Freaked out missed first appointment. Rescheduled but feel very silly.

[Guest ImJay]

I was on a waiting list for a month and I screw it up. I know what happened, I tried putting it all behind me again, for the sake of my wife and son. I told myself I didn't need it, I'll be OK.

My wife asked, "aren't you supposed to have your first visit today?" And I made out like I could handle it on my own, she just accepted, but I know she knew I was scared. God she is so much braver than me.

So I rescheduled, my therapist is on holiday now (of course!) In San Fransisco and won't be back until mid Feb. SO I have to stay motivated, not try to retreat again, and writing about myself here helps.

I tried being the tough man again, thing is it never lasts for long now days, a few days at most, where I feel like an actor copying the latest guy I admire on television (Sherlock Holmes, the US one 'elementary'... I know).

Its what I describe as 'the fear', my umbrella term for all the things I'm scared of losing or destroying, I need to stay positive and motivated to get to that first appointment.

/end rant

[Guest]

Hi Hon,

Yes, it's "The Fear", and it's "The Indecision" as well. They're wrapped up on each other, and the result is paralysis! It's happened to us all, I'm sure...

Now, I do hope that you can make it next time. Because, therapy will do a lot to ease that fear, allow you to see clearly enough that you can make decisions and move on - to whatever you need to do.

Best of luck to you!

Love, Megan

[Charlize]

Fear was my biggest enemy. It kept me from being honest about the things in my life that would make me happy. 63 years and somehow at 64 i gave it up and came out got my ears pierced saw a GT, went full time, and have a few months of HRT under my skirt. It comes back sometimes but i try to say BOO and scare it away. It is not an easy thing. I am in no way saying it is but it can be done. Sounds like you have good support. Let us know how it goes.

Hugs

Charlie

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Remember therapy is just that. It doesnt make you something your not already. All it does is identify so you can work on it.

[KathrynJulia]

Many of us Jay have lived in denial for decades living in a sea of fear and cowardist. Eventually we become overcome and jump into life. So you are in good company here. All of us eventually reach the cliffs edge and make the difficult decision to make the difficult, but necessary change in our lives.

You're ready to meet with your therapist. And you will be scared walking in the door for the first time. But after you have met for more than a couple times, it becomes something that you begin to look forward to. Believe me, that is the truth. So give it a shot. Good luck. Kathryn

[Carolyn Marie]

Everyone's advice is spot on, Jay. The first step is the hardest, and I know that first hand too. Leaving a message on my G.T.'s voice mail, asking for a call back, was the first time I had every breathed out loud the word transsexual, and it scared me to death.

Please don't beat yourself up, hon. We've been there.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie