So Confused...

[Guest OutOfTheNight]

So... I honestly don't know how to say this but I kind of need to say something somewhere just to keep my sanity intact.

I looked in the mirror a few months ago and thought something along the lines of: "I'm not a girl." Then, "Oh." Again, "Oh..." And last, "Oh my goodness??? never mind." Then I ignored it and went to bed. I've figured out I'm bi, no more confusion, right?

Yeah. Good luck with that.

That method worked for a few more days, until I went and got it into my head that I wanted to read my diary from when I was a kid. It's really old, actually- kindergarten through grade six. I wrote EVERYTHING in there, it's actually really weird. Turns out I forgot a lot of stuff. Like, how I wanted to be a boy in the fourth and fifth grades... Like, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?? I had thought the other day was totally random. It turns out I was apparently hyper-feminine until this year as compensation for actually wanting to be male... If you don't get it, think of the stereotypical confused gay boy who gets a million girlfriends and sleeps around to delude himself into thinking he likes girls. It's a similar situation and probably just as effective.

This explains a lot, to be honest, so I shouldn't really be surprised. I still don't like it at all, though- I mean, DIDN'T I JUST STOP BEING CONFUSED? Why does this have to happen again, especially with gender confusion of all things?

It's become a mounting obsession. I look in the mirror and literally don't recognize myself, because I don't expect to see a girl anymore. I legitimately expect to see a boy.

I've gotten so dysphoric it isn't even funny, but I make jokes about it anyway (don't I always?)

You know how pre-teen girls write their name with their crush's surname over and over? I'm kind of like that now, in the way that I try signing boy's names over and over. Anything more manly than Abigail...

You know how REALLY lame pre-teen girls stuff their bras to see what they'll look like? Well, I have an equivalent for that, too- I bind my chest with Ace bandages and sliced up tights.

I can't breath and it hurts like hell. People permanently scar and disfigure themselves doing this, but... It looks right, you know? I feel less like a freak. Which definitely makes me an actual freak in everyone else's eyes, I know.

I spend too much time reading FTM websites and blogs. I think about whether I'd want surgery and hormone injections all the time, and I cried- like a God loves you girl- because I found out that if I'd said something when I was little, they could have put me on blockers and I would have had time to THINK before I grew up and... Ugh.

[Guest OutOfTheNight]

Evidently, [] gets changed to "god loves you".

Edited January 18, 2013 by ~Brenda~
Removed phrase edited out by word filter

[Guest OutOfTheNight]

Oh, and "..." turns into "oh my goodness".I shall keep that in mind when I post in the future..

Edited January 18, 2013 by jodie88
cant allow that one either, sorry please read the rules

[Carolyn Marie]

I know how difficult and frustrating it is to see a person in the mirror, and know what you want that person to look like, but wonder if you will ever see him (or in my case, her) looking back at you. You don't think you can wait another day, you don't think you can stand it.

But in fact, you can wait, and you will, because really, waiting will be worth it. You'll see that I'm right. Plus the fact is that, any younger than you are now, it would have been very difficult to find a doctor willing to prescribe T-blockers. Even at 14, there are only a couple of doctors I know of who would do it.

I tell young people all the time that the most important thing to develop right now is patience, but it is almost always an essential trait. We'll help you find the means to do that, and also help you figure out some things you can do in the meantime, until you have the resources and the ability to get what you want. All you have to do is ask.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Delphinus]

OK kiddo, first off, it is OK; at 14, you have plenty of time to figure things out AND to take action if that's what you decide is right for you. Do your parents know? If so, are they accepting? If not, do you think they would be accepting? At your age, to do anything medical (like taking estrogen blockers) would require their consent. There are a number of resources available, and something like a local chapter of PFLAG might be able to direct you/ your family to those resources (such as a gender therapist, a proper physician, etc.). These are things to think about that would require working with your family - if they would/ do support you in this.

Secondly, put down the ace bandage and tights! Absolutely, under no circumstances is it OK to hurt yourself so don't. If you're a boy, then you're a boy, and willingness to loose consciousness from oxygen-deprivation/ permanently damage your body will not make you more of one. Again, if your parents are willing to help or if you have some financial resources to do so, there are proper binders available that will cause minimal damage if purchased in the correct size; you may be able to call the company if they're US-based and tell them your situation (= your age) and ask if they would be willing to accept cash or a money-order. If you don't have the money and/ or your parents won't or can't help, you might be able to contact an LGBTQ youth organization in your area and see if someone could help you track down a used one - unfortunately, Big Brothers no longer allows kids to order from them. I cannot stress this enough: PLEASE do not hurt yourself!!

Regarding your name. Name's can be either easy to change (informally) or difficult, depending upon a number of things like how you present (that is, if you look like a feminine girl, no one will call you John and if you look like a boy, people will not want to call you Jane), and also the "climate" of where you are (conservative vs. liberal). The difficult thing is that you might not know what you want to be called, or you might want to "try on" different names to find the one that "fits." If you do this publicly, it will be very confusing for people, and they may not take you or your gender seriously (because it will appear that you're constantly changing your mind). I would encourage you to 'try out' names on different websites, do what you're doing (try signing a bunch of names to see if one clicks), and maybe talk with anyone who is supportive about it to get advice or feedback. It took me a long time to pick a name and I went through a bunch of them openly (so almost nobody believed me when I said I was legally changing it at first!). Ultimately, I went with an androgynous and ethnically-ambiguous name that I felt at home with and I have never once regretted it! (though, I'm still really conflicted as to whether or not I chose the 'right' middle names - they're very 'masculine'). I used the website: www.behindthename.com a lot when chosing my name but that's because I'm a "word-nerd!"

Lastly, I noticed a word in your post that is all too familiar to me and it really bothered me: 'freak.' When I was 14, I hated myself. I was confused and I didn't know why. I felt completely alone (they didn't have sites like this at the time), and like no one could see me. I felt like a freak, and several of my family members called me a 'freak.' But looking back, I think I want to cry more than I ever did at that time because all I see in my memory is this kid who was terrified and lonely all of the time - it's an interesting perspective because when it's you, you get angry at yourself and think 'I should know what I am and how I'm feeling' but imagine the third grader you writing about wanting to be a boy in your diary. Now imagine that kid crushing their chest with ace bandages and feeling like a freak. Would you be OK with that? Would you think it's OK for a little kid to be in that situation? Most likely, you wouldn't because it's human instinct to want to protect those who are smaller/ weaker than us (well, for most people anyway...). Guess what? That kid is still you, just like that 14 year old sobbing in the corner of their closet (I know, cliche but it literally happened - walk in closet...) is still me. It does get better but that doesn't erase our pasts or the pains we endure, the mistakes we make, or the all-consuming warmth of sudden acceptance from someone we love; these all become a part of us. Your confusion, how you feel about your gender, and the body you were born into - none of these things make you a freak. Anyone who has a problem with it is the freak, not you. When people have problems with you, be patient with them, be kind, but let it be their problem. You are exactly as you are meant to be, confusion and all, and that is OK.

Take care,

Del

[Charlize]

Hi dear, I certainly understand your frustration. Most of us have lived through it. I spent a life of 63 years trying to be the best i could as a man. i can't regret that time. I learned so much and finally found an acceptance that has helped me through my life after transition. Parts of me chafed and hurt through my life. It just wasn't right. But despite many hardships it has been good overall. I try to focus on the positive, not easy but it helps. Change comes but as a path not a destination. Try to enjoy each step. It helped me to take some of the pain and frustration.

Hugs,

Charlie