Not exactly new, but it's been awhile.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Hey all, it's been a few years since I've posted here, and even when I did I didn't exactly spend very much time posting here..

I had just finally come out of the closet to my family and seen a therapist, and she had said that I would need to lose weight to begin hormones. I was 350 pounds at the time, and things have been really up and down naturally, butOVer the last 3 and a half years I have lost enough weight (over 150 pounds) to actually begin transitioning. It hasnt been easy, but I've managed unfortunately I've been more or less a complete shut-in for years. I'm finally getting out of my shell though due to the weight loss, and of course the need to have a future beyond hiding from reality.

So I am beginning my transition, but I have also re-applied to college after dropping out years ago meaning I'll be transitioning while I'm going to school. I've been socially isolated for a very long time, I'd say since high school but It was actually during high school that I just completely began to shutdown emotionally. Couldn't even focus on college and dropped out after only a year, so all of these things are extremely frightening to me, but I'm tired of living with no future so I'll endure what I have to in order to complete this change.

What brings me back here? Maybe to vent things nobody I know around where I live really understands, or cares to listen to, or maybe just for advise as I attempt to transition and reintroduce my self life in general.

I am happy to have finally lost the weight, and excited to finally have the chance to transition.. But at the same time I am absolutely terrified about leaving the prison I've more or less built for my self since I left school, this time though I feel I have a real chance of overcomming my demons and rebuilding my life.

So with that I'm back (even though I wasnt here long enough to leave an impression), and hello to everyone.

[Charlize]

Welcome back Sarah.

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties but glad you are moving forward. We all tend to isolate in worlds we create. It is so much easier than getting out into the world where we get pushed and bumped sometimes. I'm pleased that you have returned because as you read the post here and see how others are dealing with similar issues it eases the difficulties and gets us into a better position to follow our paths. There are many here who struggle with weight. The point is you are not alone! Please post and read the posts of others. Remember we do have terms and conditions. They are at the bottom of any page. Hope to read more!

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest]

Hi Sarah,

Welcome back! And congratulations on the weight loss - that's an immense project that took courage and dedication. I hope you can apply that strength now to the next phases of life too!

I hope to see you around!

Love, Megan

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Thanks

The weight loss was tough getting started on, especially because I became overweight due to the fact that any time anything emotionally bad would happen I'd bury my feelings in food. I've more or less lived my life the last 10 years to do everything possible to really just avoid feeling anything. I didn't do it with drugs, but food, video games, literature, and isolation.

I'm just in a situation right now where I'm getting things together to start actually transitioning, which means getting back into reallife as I said. Unfortunately it feels like all the pain I've numbed my self to over the years is just flooding back and overwhelming me at times. Even with the hope and knowledge that relief is now within reach, it all still hurts and at times feels like it would all just be so much easier to give up. Which I conciously know would just make things worse.

[Guest]

Hi Sarah,

It's understandable that you're feeling those painful things that you've walled away. They probably won't go away by themselves. I do hope that you and your therapist are working through it.

I know I walled off a part of myself for 30-odd years. It's terribly regrettable now, and I don't wish that for anyone else! It's so much better to come to grips with those demons and eventually move past them. It's really possible, though it may seem overwhelming at the time.

And that's why we're here - for helping you along the way. So, please stick around, we'll hold your hand and give you encouragement - it's doable, with a little help from your friends!

Love, Megan

[Guest otter-girl]

Hi. Just wanted to say how impressed I am with your achievement in turning your life around. Congratulations and keep going!

Rachel

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement everyone.

[Guest]

Welcome home Sarah. I'm looking forward to hearing more of your journey. Hug. JodyAnn

[Charlize]

It is amazing how many ways we have of avoiding movement on our journey. Some of us cut, some drink or drug, some eat and unfortunately some just give up. It is hard but as i moved forward it got easier. It was the first few steps that were the hardest. The rooms of a 12st group, Laura's, and then my GT eased my journey and made me reconsider my life. You can do it! The wonderful thing is that you are reaching out now. All the help i got was from others. I couldn't do it alone. Please keep us posted we care!

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Yeah, being a shut-in for so long was just about trying to avoid having to face reality, and submerging my self in distraction so I never had to feel anything about anything. It worked for a long time, but after awhile anxiety about my future and life just overwhelmed me until I had to come out of the closet and start dealing with it.

I didn't really stick around at that time here because I'm just not so good at sharing my feelings. I just have so much kept back like a river behind a dam, that I don't want to burst and put my problems on others. I will be sticking around though since I really have no choice now but to face my own feelings.

Thanks again for the warm re-welcoming.

[Charlize]

Thanks for sharing it helps. I just want you to know that you shouldn't worry about letting it out. I and many of us have big broad shoulders (which we would like to shrink). I hope we can help you to be yourself.

Hugs,

Charlie

[KathrynJulia]

Hello Sarah:

Welcome back. We are a community here that you can lean on for support and encouragement. You are a brave young woman for facing your difficulties. The picture I get in my mind reading your posts is of someone showing strength and great courage in orer to build yourself a life where you can be happy and successful.

So please hang around this time. We want to get to know you better. And we have members who need encouragement from someone such as yourself. What you have experienced and now overcoming the problems you have had will show other people that they can have hope by learning about you and from you. So Sarah, welcome to the Playground. I hope to see much more of you in the coming months. Kathryn

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Sarah,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome back to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Rain]

You sound a lot like me, in a lot of ways. The I know the whole becoming numb thing all to well, that is how I have been living my life, not in reality. I took up my time with anything I could not have to face anything, I still do not know how to handle life's curveb.alls , but that is why I am getting help. Reading your story gives me great hope for my future as well. I am at a point where my problems came bursting out all at once ready or not. That damn in my head is no more, I feel like my head is filling up with stuff, and if I do not talk about it, I would probably go crazy. I am happy to hear you are getting to put your life in the direction you need to , to have a life. You should be very proud, you were able to realize what was holding you back. Look how far you have come :-), keep it up.

with love,

Rain

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Thank you Rain I noticed that as well from one of your recent threads. Getting out of isolation has been tough and it still really scares me but I'm just forcing my self through it because I know what I need to do with my life. I love my family but I can't just keep living life emotionally numb to the world. I wrote a letter for my Father recently in the hopes of making him understand this a bit better. The rest of my family here ended up reading it before I sent it out, and it actually made some of them become fully supportive.

You just gotta not give up when things get tough, and keep fighting!