Yin and yang. Positive and negative.

[Guest (Lightsider)]

I have been contemplating this post for several days. I wondered how it would come across. The purpose of this post is to get you, the reader to think and ponder your own lives. Often times we as trans are really hard on ourselves to the point it is crippling. We find ourselves in a hole trying to dig out.

So I decided to make my own yin and yang list. Negatives listed on the left and positives on the right and solutions to the negatives if possible. Some are minor and some are major and some are false perceptions.

Too fat! OMG 370 lbs! ---------- Took the bull by the horns and got Gastric Bypass and now have control over my health.

I will never have happiness! ------------------ Spent many hours in counseling and took to heart the feed back given to me by my counselor.

Isolated, unable to go out, unable to walk to car with out getting winded ---------- Lost weight and took control over my appearance.

Feet are too big! -------------------- But I am short and that is a nice trade off.

Big forehead!------------------------- I have a nice petite nose to balance out my Klingon forehead and I wear bangs.

I hate my hair! Too frizzy and it is thin. --------- I have hair so I am grateful for that.

I don't have a boyfriend! ---------------- So I am looking for one and hoping that positive changes in my life will attract the right kind of person in my life.

Most of my family does not accept me! --------- The reality is my sister does as does my nephew and cousins. Why waste time on those who treat you badly? The ones who love you are worth the energy.

I am too shy! --------------- So I step outside my box and go to places where people congregate.

I will never have SRS! ---------------------- I could either accept this as a fact or find a way to achieve this. I chose to find a way to over come this hurdle.

==============================================================================================

I have come to believe through my personal experience that I can over come nearly any hurdle in my way if not all hurdles. It seems like a lot of this stems from the fact that I finally made peace with the past and found who I really am. It is kind of hard to make changes when you really don't know who you are or you are still struggling with the pain from the past. Fear is another thing that held me back. Fear of living. i finally came to a point where I realized, we only live once and I might as well live it up!

Is my life perfect? No. But it sure is better than it used to be. When encountered with something I don't like, I either accept it as it is...or I set out to change it. Plan B is my friend.

This of course is my view point. Feel free to post your yin yang list or not. Sometimes this is too personal to lay out in front of others and that is completly understandable.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Good Post Nicole! And congrats on losing the weight! I know how hard that is as I was at 350 my self a few years ago, and I've lost around 150 pounds over the couple of years. That is by no means a small accomplishment!

Taking control of my life has been one of the hardest, and scariest thing I've done in my life but so far it feels worth it. If I had to make a list like this even just a month ago the only positives I would have had would have been the weight loss, and the fact that I don't look that awfully masculine anyways.

From my experiences and those I have been reading here on this forum, fear seems to be our greatest enemy, and above anything else I have accomplished any other positive/negatives I could list I will list this one.

I am afraid of possibilities outside of my control. --------- I found the courage to face my fears and deal with whatever may come.

My life is still a train wreck, but I'm happy that I am finally starting to clean up the mess and actually rebuild my self. I can live with the emotional bumps and bruises I will suffer along the way, as long as I don't allow fear to control my every action.

[Guest (Lightsider)]

That is awesome SarahB. In some ways I cheated by getting surgery to lose all that weight but, hey...I will take what I can get. I am still getting used to being thin. It is odd. And good job on that attitude change of yours about possibilities outside fo your control.

[Drea]

Nice post.

I have attempted, using several theams, to highlight the power of responsability. Some equate responsability with fault, error and blame. I equate responsability with empowerment.

A number of your items touch on things where you could have viewed yourself as a victim of circumstances and wallowed in self pity. Instead, as referenced you took the bull by the horns and made something of it. You couldn't change what you couldn't but took responsability to changing what you could change. Well done.

Too often within the community the idea of victimization gets promoted. That we are victims of the non-acceptance of others. That we can have no effect. It is not our fault. As I see it, in this effort to excuse ourselves of blame and fault we also make ourselves powerless. We can't control others, but our actions do influence others. I feel taking responsability for our actions and the degree to which those actions do have influnce we can empower ourselves to overcome many of these self imposed obsticals.

[KathrynJulia]

Great way to excentuate the positive Nicole. You are definitely learning the wonder of doing it your way. You may not realize it Nicole, but you are a very powerful and positive role model on these forums. It's like complaining of too large a feet to a man with no legs. Or walking through a cemetary complaining about getting old.

Tonight I'm enjoying just listening to the New York Philharmonic orchestra. From someone who can't play a note on a single instrument, but we can enjoy listening to some very talented people play. Kathryn

[Guest (Lightsider)]

Great way to excentuate the positive Nicole. You are definitely learning the wonder of doing it your way. You may not realize it Nicole, but you are a very powerful and positive role model on these forums. It's like complaining of too large a feet to a man with no legs. Or walking through a cemetary complaining about getting old.

Tonight I'm enjoying just listening to the New York Philharmonic orchestra. From someone who can't play a note on a single instrument, but we can enjoy listening to some very talented people play. Kathryn

I am very humbled by your remarks. I don't believe I am a role model, I just present what is real in my eyes. Thank you for your kind words.

[Guest Jaques]

I have been going on about my receding, thining hair for months - then the neighbours car pulled up, i hadnt seen them for ages, the woman of the house got out, she had no hair - she had breast cancer since August and receiving kemo - my problem immediately faded into the background, i felt ashamed and remembered all the positives............

[Guest (Lightsider)]

I have been going on about my receding, thining hair for months - then the neighbours car pulled up, i hadnt seen them for ages, the woman of the house got out, she had no hair - she had breast cancer since August and receiving kemo - my problem immediately faded into the background, i felt ashamed and remembered all the positives............

It's like complaining of too large a feet to a man with no legs. Or walking through a cemetary complaining about getting old.

This is the heart of what I am getting at. There are many who have it worse than we do. Often times I see some one who is afflicted with some thing horrible, like the girl with progeria, and yet that little soul is the happiest person alive. Talk about robbed, she may not live past 13 years old. Or the person who was in a terrible accident that claimed their family and left them alive, and yet they go on to be happy and at peace and rebuild. How do they do it when faced with some thing so hard and unimaginable?

Some might say it is because that person has this deep seated belief in god and religion yet, many do not share those religious beliefs and they some how are able to see the world in a different light.

I believe it is the strength of the human spirit that emerges through CHOICE. We always have a choice. ALWAYS. Even if a person is thrown into a prison they have a choice. Take for instance Stephen Hawking. He could have accepted his mental prison as is and slipped into the depths of depression and spent the rest of his life that way. But he did not, he turned it around and became one of the greatest minds the world has ever seen.

That is what I have learned by being trans, attitude. And you know what? I am glad I was born this way because it has given me a unique opportunity to learn things I may not have otherwise had the chance to if I was born Cis male or female. I spend much of my life lamenting "Oh why was I not born a girl!" WHY WHY? I would get jealous of other girls because I did not have their body. What a waste of time that was...because I could have spent that time living my life. I have often heard other trans express jealousy about another trans getting SRS, well, do something about it! Make plans to get there...but the first thing that needs to change to reach those lofty goals is a change of attitude.

Any way, that is my viewpoint on things. And yes...I am serious, I am glad I was born this way.

[JJ]

Thanks Nicole. We sometimes say it differently but I think we have discovered and believe many of the same things.

For me the two important words are focus and attitude. Attitude is life. Whether your life is good or bad and you are the hero or villain of your life is completely free of external situations and events. Those things can cause transient though powerful reactions but cannot break or defeat you unless you let them. Attitude will. Make you or break you. And best and worst of all about that is that it is entirely YOUR choice. No one can save you but you -there will be no white knight riding up to slay your dragons and deliver happiness as a prize. But you can do it yourself. You really can. It is a choice. And a habit you can break when it is bad into something better. Too many times we wrap our anger and bitterness or sorrow around us like a cloak and retreat from the world instead of stepping out to the light that really is there for everyone. So simple and so hard.

And changing focus is part of changing attitude. Look at what you can change. At what is right and what you have rather than focusing on what is wrong and hurts and you can't change. How we were born and the past can't be changed. How we go from here and the lessons we have learned can. And again how we look at our world and what we chose to focus on is entirely up to us. As simple and difficult as attitude to which it is twin.

We won't always be up. Human life isn't like that. No matter attitude life won't always be good and we will get down but it is attitude which will determine if we drown or dance because of or in spite of it. Some days are bad and that's okay but I don't and won't ever again let my life be howling in misery in the dark because I know if I keep at it I can dance in the light instead. And I will .

You can too. You really can. It's up to you.

Johnny

[elliemckay]

Wise words from a wise lady.