Iam Finally Here

[Guest Guest_]

Hello to everyone. My name is Amber L. I am a 55 year old male cross dresser. To quote a verse in a song it says: Heaven Holds a Place for Those Who Care. That is how I feal about Laura's Playground, and all the wonderful people here, I have already mentioned some of my past in other posts,but I feal they should be repeated so everyone gets my whole story.

I have been wanting/needing to expresss myself for so many years, and Iam Finally Here. So many fealings and emotions are finally going to be released. No more confusion, guilt or worry. What a glories Day this is.

I will start my story with a conversation my sister and I was having this past thanksgiving. We were watching a movie I cant even remember the name of it, but it ended up having several scenes with an older man who crossed dressed. Of course I was very involved watching the show when out of the blue my sister looked over at me and said I am surprised you never became a cross dresser. To say I was stuned doesnt quite get it. I asked her what she meant by this. My sister asked me if I remembered being told that there were no baby pictures of me because a house fire had destroyed them, and I said I did. She then asked me if I remeber all the pictures of the little blonde hair girl which showed her with my mother in almost every picture. I said yes I did and remember being told they were pictures of one my cousins, and I had received some of them when mom passed away. Well she said Iam glad your setting down because all of those pictures of that sweet little blonde hair girl in all thosse little dresses who you always thought was your cousin are actualy of you. I looked at her and did not say anything.

Sis continued to explain that my mother was so hoping for a little girl that she started buying all kinds of clothing and other things in anticipation of the arrival of this little girl. Well needless to say on a hot summer day in June of 1957 I came into this world. My sister explained that my mom was so upset. Sis continued to tell me that mom decided that she was going to still have a daughter. Sis explained that from the time I was born until I was just a little over three years old I was dressed as girl. My hair had reached down passed the middle of my back. Sis explained that this was about the time my father stepped in and said enough. All of a sudden the Light Bulb Came On!

After I left my sisters house things were going through my head so fast I had to stop and pull over. I sat there for quite a while thinking about the last 55 years, every emotion, and every fealing. It all started to make some sense. I Finally had a beginning point some place to look for answeres. My Story Begins!

I can remember thinking back about the first time I tried on my grandmothers underware I was about five years old. I also remeber standing and watching my older girl cousins put on their makeup. How facinated I was by it. I would stand there wishing they would make me up. One time one asked me if I wanted to tray some lipstick, but I ran off hoping they would run after me and make me up completey. One time I found an old compact that still had some makeup in it, and it also had mirror in it. I put makeup on all over my face not having any idea at all what I was doing. I never even thought anyone would notice, but my mother did, and she told my father about it.

I was taken out side and was given the whipping of my life to the tune of a hickory switch. It hurt so bad I was sore for a week. Mom and dad got into a terrrible fight over it. My dad was yelling at mon saying this was all her fault for dressing me up in girls clothes when I was first born. It continued for some time. After the fight was over my mother took her turn at me only she used words. After this she called me her sissy or sissy boy for a long time after. I never used any makeup after that and still havent to this day. Somethigs are engraved in you brain no matter how young you are. I could not figure out what I had done wrong.

After this I would only try on my mothers jewelery and only when no one was around. I Was almost caught by my older brother one time, but I mamaged to lie my way ot of it. Did not really partake in anything until later on, around the time I was 14 or 15. Out of curosity I began to try on my mothers clothes. I was home by myself then. Older brother and sister had moved on and mom and dad got divorced. I would try on anything I could find. Bra's panties, pantyhose. I was fortunate that mom had several wigs to which I tried on, but never knew why. This went on until I turned 17 and got my first girl friend who I would eventually marry.

I joined the Airforce and was stationed in Montana. Was married at 19 and had one son. My wife started working at JC Penneys and she would take the boy to the sitter as I worked nights. One day I got up early and noticed my wife had left some of her lingrie laying out. For reasons unknown then I tried it on. There was a nice lace bra with matching panties and there was also a carter belt and stocking laying there. This was the first time I can remember getting any pleasure from wearing womens clothing. The sensation was unbeleavabe. I would dress anytime I could.

We eventualy moved back home where I got a job and worked during the day. I fell out of the desires to dress for a couple of years. I ended up joing the Air Forcce reserves which would take me away from home for a couple of days a month. This was such a wonderful time in life. The erge to start dressing again came back, and this was also when I started buying my own clothes. I was very cautious and scared also. I guess that just added to the excitement. My courage was getting stronger. I can remember going into my first lingrie store to buy my first bra and panties. The fealings going threw me unbelieveable. I was falling in love with womens fashions. I would shop and try on every chance I got. This went on for several years. Of course there were the times of gult and I would end purging all my clothes just to start all over again. Then around 1995 all hell broke loose. Not only had I been buying my own clothes I would take some of my mother inlaws lingrie and bring it home wear it a while take it back and replace it with something different. My mother inlaw had some very sexy lingrie that I could not resist. One day while I was getting ready to go to the base I was standing inside my house with only a bra and panties on and did not realize my mother inlaw had stopped by, and she saw me through the window. I saw her come up to the door and stock knocking. i quickly took off what I had on and answered the door. She came in and informed me of what she had seen. My heart sank. She demanded to know what the hell I was doing. Well I couldnt very well lie my way out of it because what I had on belonged to her. I tried to explain to her that I did not know why I wanted to wear womens clothing, but she would have nothing to do with it. She asked me how I had gotten her bra and panties and I told her. She demanded that if I had anything that belonged to her she wanted it back right then and there. I had quite a few things which I returned. From there she just gave me one of the coldest looks I had ever received from anyone and said I was sickest person she had ever met. At this point I figured life was over. I went ahead and went to the base for the weekend dreading my return.

I returned on sunday evening to an empty house and a note on the table with a phone number on it on how to contact my wife. I called and she informed me she had a long talk with her mom and she could not understand how I could do something like that. I tried to explain to her that I didnt either but to no avail. My wife of 19 years told me I was sick and left me. Six months later I was divorced. Thankfully my son was away at college and to this day he does not know. Loosing someone you loved for over 19 years is something I would not wish on any one.

After all this trama I decided that I would no longer dress in womens clothing. I met another wonderful women. We began dating fell in love and have been married for the last fourteen years. I never told her about my past thinking that the erge to dress was gone. Well guess what came back into my life a little over three years ago, and did it ever come back with a passion. Its just like everyone says. Its with you for life. I know I will never tell my wife that I Cross Dress due the simple fact that once you have been through what Ive been through you dont want to go throught it again. Plus the fact that my wife works with a feminine type of guy and she really doesnt care for him which put me on the defensive. I will deal with this the best I can because I know I am not going to change.

So after having my conversation with my sister last thanksgiving I decided to look for answers to all my questions. I started looking on the internet and this is how I came across Laura's Playground. For so many years not knowing and thinking there was something wrong with me. The way I was treated, all my fealings and emotions have been set on the right track. I started reading the forums and as I have said what a relief and such a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Just to know I am not alone. That there are so many wonderful people out there like me who are willing to be there when you need them. I can not say enough. I know I will never be able to tell my wife as I do not want to change whats in my heart. But I know in my heart that if and when that day comes there is a place I can go and people who care about me, and that will help me no matter. In closing once again Heaven Hold a Place for Those who Care!

God Bless each and Everyone, and Thank You for Being Here

Love Amber L.

[Guest Penelope]

Hello Amber,

You are definitely not alone and the desire never goes away, I'm afraid. You might also find after a time that that you have more than just a wish to cross dress. From my experience, your wife will be more upset if she finds out about your dressing without you telling her than if you tell her yourself. Of course, that is no guarantee that she will like or even tolerate it; but the lie can be seen as worse than the thing being lied about.

The good people here will be more than willing to share their experiences. There is also an awful lot of information hidden away in numerous discussion threads.

I expect the moderators will find you soon and give you a more official welcome.

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Penny

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Amber,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Guest_]

Penny: You have read my mind. I have been thinking more and more about all the information I've read. I to think that I,am beginning to think I may be more than just a cross dresser. Where I'am at with all of this, I dont think I know for sure. I'll have to keep reading the forums to try and find answers to my new questions. I am new to all the terminology. All I had ever heard about was cross dressing before I found Laura's Playground, and again I cant say enough about this wonderful site. If anyone has any suggestions please reply to this topic. Love Amber L.