My problems with the society

[Guest Asuri]

A friendly hello to all of you,

the last few months were very frustrating and exhausting for me.

I look very androgynous (that is what I want and I like it very much). I was born female and that`s fine too.

But my actually biggest problem is the society. Nearly every where I go, they stare at me. Discuss what I am a male or female..... in the streets, in the cinema and at the gym...... everywhere. I have lost some weight, so I look more androgynous than the last past years.

Sometimes i can understand their behaviour, they discuss what they see. But this is hurtful for me. It hurts so damn much! I cry sometimes when I'm lying in my bed .

Is it really so important for the society what I am? A male or female? Everywhere they discuss about the equality of gender, about the equality of every human. So why is it so hard to tolerate, that I (and many many others) do not fit in this scheme?

Don`t get me wrong. Most of the time I enjoy my life, but it would be way better without these problems.

What about you, do you have similar problems? How do you react if someone discuss your biological sex/style/sexual orientation in public?

At the moment I`m a little depressed

Thanks for your answers

[Carolyn Marie]

Asuri, I'm sorry that you've experienced such behavior in others. I don't know if that is a common thing in German culture, because it doesn't seem to be nearly as big a problem in the U.S. With some exceptions, people seem to mind their own business, and don't publicly speculate about people they see. It would be considered extremely rude. Androgynous looking folks, or even trans folks, might get a second glance or a stare, but rarely is anything verbalized.

I don't know what to tell you, as I haven't encountered such behavior, but if it was me, and it wasn't in an environment in which I felt unsafe, I would tell the person(s) that I find it rude to talk about other people, and to please stop.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Asuri]

..... I don't know if that is a common thing in German culture, because it doesn't seem to be nearly as big a problem in the U.S. ...........

I don't know what to tell you, as I haven't encountered such behavior, but if it was me, and it wasn't in an environment in which I felt unsafe, I would tell the person(s) that I find it rude to talk about other people, and to please stop.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Thank your Carolyn Marie,

I think that it is a problem in Germany (not everywhere here). In my opinion in the last few years things have gotten much worse. I don`t know why, but actually it is very hard for me . I know other trans and androgynous people and they all say the same.

Mhhh life is soooooo complicated

[JJ]

When I started this I thought long and hard because I didn't really believe I could look like a normal male. And I already looked out of the norm because I had gained an enormous amount of weight whic had caused me to also be talked about-sometimes within hearing. When I ate out others would frown at what i was eating no matter what it was though they never asked if there was a medical reason for my situation. I hated eating in public. Hated seeing that look people gave me.

transition taught me something though. Even when I was young and fit and attractive I always cared what others thought and said about me. I don't know why except perhaps that I was wrong for myself somehow and that made me more sensitive to it, But as I transitioned and also lost weight I reached that in between stage that was neither fish nor fowl. No longer fat enough to be spectacle but getting stares because people were trying to figure out what I was. I'm sensitive unfortunately. Some have said hypersensitive so it was pretty miserable. Till one day I decided there was nothing else I could do so I made eye contact and smiled. Oddly enough most people blushed and smiled and stopped staring. And I realized that once I stepped outside the norm people were going to react that way. Part of the price I pay for being me. So I went on smiling and people often smiled back so that I no longer saw them as rude or the tormentors. Just curious people who had forgotten that I was a person too and forgotten their manners.

Can;t say it will cure things but might make them a little better where curiosity is the culprit. When it is negative then it's a different story. After 2 years I still have no idea how I'd handle that. I have had one person disapprove but she just avoids being anywhere I am in a room so it hasn't been a problem I've had to face. Yet.

But I would say that if you are happiest and need to live your life outside the norm then it is essential to find a way to be comfortable with the curiosity and reactions because they are just people being people and will be a part of your life. Is there any way you can see it in a more positive light?

Johnny

[Guest Delphinus]

Hey Asuri,

Actually... I think I must've grown up in a different part of the US than those on here who have rarely experienced what you're describing because it's happened to me a lot! Actually, even moreso for ethnicity... I'm not sure what to say about it except that I don't like it. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this so often. :-( Good luck!

- Del

[Guest endlessummer]

Hey,

I can only confirm this, androgyne people don't have it easy here. And when I was on U.S. trips, I always prepared for verbal bashing like in restaurant bathrooms or so, but then - nothing. I felt pretty good over there, northern & southern states.

Some Germans are so rude, they ask to your face, WHAT are you, they even laugh about you, or calling you names. Almost kick you out of bathrooms or locker rooms because they're sure you're of the other gender of the only two they accept. It's hard not getting frustrated, I know how it is...

Kopf hoch! :-)

[Charlize]

This is nothing personal dear, i have german ancestors and a very german surname, but Germans are not known for their human rights understanding. We of course are also guilty as are all societies but i'm not surprised it's harder there.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Kyla666]

This problem is everywhere... right now i am in my transition where i look not really male but not really female. If i dress up put of a crap load of makeup some times i pass as a women no problem but I am just not that kind of person, I am a tomboy and wear little to no makeup.

So when i am outside be it work or other i get looked at like i'm some kind of freak. Mainly it's Kids and old people.. Some times it's very rude adults.

On a daily basis at work.."WalMart" i get VERY long stares and mean times i hear...'Is that a Boy?" Just yesterday i had this family come over as the mom was yelling at her kids saying "Don't be meaning to people, Everyone is different" And one of her kids was just Looking at me with her mouth open the Whole time they where there.

Even had a time where a little kid came up to me and said "Are you a boy?" Sadly i had to say yes...the kid said "Boys don't have hair like that" and ran off . It's true i don't wish to be a boy but when everyone's first guess about my gender is "Is that a Boy" it does not help. I never get "Is that a Girl" lol

Anyways you are not alone..

[Guest Asuri]

Thank you all very much ☺. Please excuse my long absence.

You have really helped me a lot. I think that german people are very transphobic. Yes, you are right it is nothing personal, but it still hurts me!

What I noticed is, that there are mostly younger people who react evil. Not older people or kids. People in my age (20-30).

They are not curious or interestet in my life, they are quite simply aggressive.

In my head are 10038474574 arguments against a verbal attack on me. This is so strange.

90% of humanity goes without thoughts in the locker room of the gym. I`m afraid of that and not without a reason.

When I walk out the door, I see my younger neighbor. He told his friend very loud „look she looks like a boy, a booooy. But she is a girl“. Ähm I`m neither a boy nor a girl ^^. But nobody is interested in this fact.

But I would say that if you are happiest and need to live your life outside the norm then it is essential to find a way to be comfortable with the curiosity and reactions because they are just people being people and will be a part of your life. Is there any way you can see it in a more positive light?

At the moment I can`t see this in a positive light.

It starts in the morning on my way to university and it ends in the evening at the gym.The people are so narrow-minded – 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Some Germans are so rude, they ask to your face, WHAT are you, they even laugh about you, or calling you names. Almost kick you out of bathrooms or locker rooms because they're sure you're of the other gender of the only two they accept.

This is my situation ☺. Yes, just happened to me last month!

Public restrooms in malls are extremely problematic. The other „visitors“ are very rude.In denmark and generally in nordic countries the people are friendly and open minded.

Ich versuche mein Bestes ( I try my best)

[Guest Micha]

Wow. I'm floored, and my heart goes out to you. This is a very disappointing side of humanity, but it's not the whole. The only thing I can think to say is that their ignorance in intolerance are their problems, not yours. I know that doesn't help much when they're loud and obnoxious about it, but if you give them a reaction you will only promote their behavior. These are the people we are better off walking away from.

I don't know what people say about me behind my back. If they say anything at all, I'm out of earshot (or it's in Spanish. . . and I don't know much of that), so I don't have much in the way of a similar experience. I think once someone gave my some static over my nail polish. Really he only asked why I was wearing it, but the sneer and superior tone in his voice gave away his disdain. My response was simple: "because I --Censored-- like it."

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

Dr. Suess.

*HUGGLES*

[Guest Oxygenic]

When I started this I thought long and hard because I didn't really believe I could look like a normal male. And I already looked out of the norm because I had gained an enormous amount of weight whic had caused me to also be talked about-sometimes within hearing. When I ate out others would frown at what i was eating no matter what it was though they never asked if there was a medical reason for my situation. I hated eating in public. Hated seeing that look people gave me.

transition taught me something though. Even when I was young and fit and attractive I always cared what others thought and said about me. I don't know why except perhaps that I was wrong for myself somehow and that made me more sensitive to it, But as I transitioned and also lost weight I reached that in between stage that was neither fish nor fowl. No longer fat enough to be spectacle but getting stares because people were trying to figure out what I was. I'm sensitive unfortunately. Some have said hypersensitive so it was pretty miserable. Till one day I decided there was nothing else I could do so I made eye contact and smiled. Oddly enough most people blushed and smiled and stopped staring. And I realized that once I stepped outside the norm people were going to react that way. Part of the price I pay for being me. So I went on smiling and people often smiled back so that I no longer saw them as rude or the tormentors. Just curious people who had forgotten that I was a person too and forgotten their manners.

Can;t say it will cure things but might make them a little better where curiosity is the culprit. When it is negative then it's a different story. After 2 years I still have no idea how I'd handle that. I have had one person disapprove but she just avoids being anywhere I am in a room so it hasn't been a problem I've had to face. Yet.

But I would say that if you are happiest and need to live your life outside the norm then it is essential to find a way to be comfortable with the curiosity and reactions because they are just people being people and will be a part of your life. Is there any way you can see it in a more positive light?

Johnny

Reading this struck a huge chord with me... I don't identify as androgyne, and I am a trans guy, but I know that I come off as androgynous. Being only 5'3", with a bland, gender-neutral face, and slightly deep (female) voice I understand that I'm not easily readable. I understand why people stare, or why they might laugh, or get a kick out of my appearance. I tend to refrain from saying anything, or bothering to look at their face because of shame. I know I most likely come off as a butch lesbian, so I like to let it slide.. but it does get to me. Being called ma'am, or hearing somebody make a joke, or say something offensive regarding my appearance.. it gets to me. I can stay awake thinking about it, it gets to me that bad.

I am a teenager, so obviously my self-confidence is going to default as low. But this makes it even tougher. Even back before I started coming more to terms with my gender and could pass as a cis female, I still felt self conscious. But now it's gratifying. But at the same time, I am okay. I'm glad I'm not lying about myself in public anymore. I am me, and this is who I am. People don't like it? Oh well, they're gonna have to suck it up. I am male. I'm just a very femme looking guy. That's okay.

I've talked with cis guys who have even mentioned having their gender mistaken. After learning that, I've learned to become not so offended. People are just curious. Sure, it still hurts to be rejected and to be mistaken, but it's curiosity. I know I stem out from the norm. I'm probably one of the only transguys in all of my city. It's only reasonable that it would happen.

I'm sure that once I start hormones and luckily grow a little bit, I'll pass much more. I actually went out today for the first time with my folks in awhile, and nobody gave me dirty looks or said anything (or that I noticed anyway). That was great! I felt so much more comfortable, it made me happy that maybe I actually passed. But if not, then not. I am still me, and there's no changing that.

It's still terrible how people like to poke fun at trans* people (and everyone who falls under the spectrum), but you just have to remind yourself that it's curiosity. It's something that stems out of norm for most cultures. If it makes you happy, then that's perfectly ok. Live for you, and not everyone else. Life only happens once so I believe in living it the way that you want to live it.

[Guest Asuri]

Hey,

at first I want to thank all of you for your great answers.

The answers have enriched my life in more ways than I can express.

Oxygenic

It's still terrible how people like to poke fun at trans* people (and everyone who falls under the spectrum), but you just have to remind yourself that it's curiosity. It's something that stems out of norm for most cultures. If it makes you happy, then that's perfectly ok. Live for you, and not everyone else. Life only happens once so I believe in living it the way that you want to live it.

Sure, I live my life, but it would be more awesome without this bad experiences. But I know that I could be happy to live in a country like germany. In other countries, trans* people are persecuted and have to have fear for their life.

Wow. I'm floored, and my heart goes out to you. This is a very disappointing side of humanity, but it's not the whole.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

Dr. Suess.

Luckily there are very nice and friendly human beings, too. I like I the underlined sentence very much, it is just so true

And thank you for the hugs

Lauras Playground is a wonderful place!