Will I EVER figure out if I am a transsexual or not?

[Guest Ultimus]

It's really eating at my soul trying to figure out if I am a transsexual or not. It's on my mind at some level for at least 40 hours a week. I've already been in therapy for 3 years to no avail (7 different therapists!) I've been on hormones now for 15 days and it's still unclear. Like I don't know if my heart what is right. I made a pros and cons.


Reasons I may be transgender:

-Literally my earliest memory is wearing my sister's clothes and loving it. I have been crossdressing ever since then.

-I started daydreaming about being a girl at age 5. It subsided for a little while, but then since the age of 13, I have sexually fantasized about being a girl every single day, multiple times a day for the past 8 years.

-Without going into details, but my first sexual experience was while wearing girl's clothes.

-female hormones make me feel excited.

-Imagining myself as a woman gives me the greatest pleasure that I've ever experienced in life.

-When I walk by female clothes in stores, I really long to be wearing them

-It gets to me not having a female body, clothes, or external appearance.

-I am engulfed by transgender culture. I subscribe to transgender blogs, I watch transgender video journals on youtube, I read transgender news websites, I'm member of transgender forums online. I am really fascinated by it.

-My whole sexual orientation seems defined by these crossgender feelings. I can only achieve arousel by imagining myself as the woman in the sexual role


Reasons I may not be transgender:

-I like being the alpha male

-When I talk to other transsexuals, I can't relate to their narratives.

-The things we want in fantasy might not necessarily be what we want in real life.

-Fantasizing about being a girl is more fun than the reality of it

-I could never love another man

-I can't imagine myself being a lesbian, it doesn't click with me at all. I feel like a straight guy.

-My girlfriend made me feel positive about being a guy

-When I was with my girlfriend, I never thought, "man, I really wish I could be a woman in a lesbian relationship with her"

-I have zero female likes, interests, or hobbies.

-I don't know the first thing about being a woman.

-I don't identify with females or have female friends or want any female friends

-All of my role models and heroes are men.

-I am very masculine

-I would not want to alter my voice if I transitioned. My voice is part of my identity.

-I would say that I am attracted to women, but I've never really envisioned myself as a lesbian. I have never been attracted to lesbian pornography.

- I have a rebound effect - When I'm done fantasizing, the feelings subside temporarily.


Other factors:

-I am romantically, emotionally, and somewhat physically attracted to women, but I don't really get too sexually attracted to them. If I do, it's very weak compared to my crossgender sexual attraction. My so called "crossgender sexual attraction" involves me fantasizing about being a woman and sometimes having sex with men (because it makes me feel more like a female).

-I could never relate to the other guys in the locker room who would boast about "banging girls." I don't get normal sexual feelings towards girls. I've never thought, "Man, I would love to have sexual intercourse with this girl."

I don't think I'm ever gonna figure it out.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Ultimus, I wish that I had some kind of insight that would help you figure things out, but you spell out your conflicts nicely. These are the types of things you should see a Gender Therapist for in order to try to work through your feelings because only you can really know what you really want.

I strongly suggest you find and talk to a Therapist that specializes in gender issues! But barring that I suppose you have to ask your self if you did transition would you really be happy? Or would you regret the choice for the rest of your life? Are the reasons that you feel your not transsexual more important to you then the reasons you are?

I suppose the big question would be imagine you were in Female mode forever, could you live with that?

Like I said though you really should find a good gender therapist to work with, especially since your already on HRT.

[Drea]

FIrst let me complement you for the honest appraisal. It can be hard for some to admit on an open forum the things that they feel might set them apart or be viewed negativly.

Are you seeking to figure out if you are transsexual as the title suggests or transgendered as the body of the post suggests?

More importantly, are you just worried about a label or is it about what you should or should not do?

There is enough to say, as far as transgender in the umbrella sense of the term, it would apply

As far as being transsexual or fitting in one category or another, there is nothing that says, for example, if one is transsexual one must "transition" for whatever that term has come to mean. There are transsexuals who don't and will never "transition" and find that is best for them.

So the question is, irrespective of labels, what is it you are wanting or thinking you should be doing? And if the answer is "transition" can you say what you think that means to you? And why is it you are thinking it would be good for you?

I would say seek out a therapist normally, but you are saying you been down that route. I can understand you experience some conflicting emotions.

There are many potential actions that one can take. Some have more chances of losses than others. In general my view is that one needs to be very seriosly afflicted before benefits of the most serious life changes is likely to outweigh the losses, but it all comes down to specifics.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Ultimus,

Sexuality, gender, and gender expression are not necessarily one and the same. First let me take some time to say hello and welcome you to Laura's Playground hon.

Hon, I strongly advise that you reconsider your use of hormones without the consult of a doctor. The years of therapy that you have been engaged in tells me that there are many other issues at hand that need to be addressed.

Being transgendered does not mean that one is transsesexual. Sexual fetishes does not mean one is even transgendered.

It is my advice that you discuss with your therapist your sexuality and your gender identity.

Hopefully, you will find yourself.

Love.

Brenda

[KathrynJulia]

Ultimus

I'm going to go out on a limb here and state just my opinion. I don't believe you are transexual in the literal sense of what being transsexual is. You state that female hormones make you feel excited. Most people suffering from Gender Dysphoria experience a huge calming effect from taking the correct hormones. Ann Vitale writes that a feminized brain feels dysphoria from testosterone. And feels a calming because estrogen fits the receptors in the brain. The opposite is true of someone FTM whose has a masculinized brain, estrogen doesn't fit and the brain is starved for testosterone. When you start HRT on the correct hormone dose, it just feels right.

"Imagining myself as a woman gives me the greatest pleasure that I've ever experienced in life". Ultimus, Living as a woman should just feel right in your mind. The way I now speak and sound female rather than male feels right, the gestures, feeling feminine because I am wearing pretty clothes and wearing nice makeup i just right for me. I don't feel sexually stimulated by it. I don't feel excited. Rather, I just enjoy expressing my feminine side because that is who I am. I just feel contentment that I am living in a manner consistent with how I believe myself to be inside.

Dysphoria feels lvery similar to anxiety and that is how I explain to people who ask me how it feels. Looking at my male bits causes me to feel anxious. Looking and wearing male clothing makes me feel anxiety all day long until I arrive home and can shed the male clothes and wear more feminine clothing. My closet is fast becoming all feminine clothing now because most of my old male stuff has gone to Good Will. And the sooner it's all gone the better. I'm a woman inside and that makes me want to match the outside with my inside. It's that anxiety or dysphoria that drives people over the edge into doing something to hurt themselves.

Ultimus, Gender Dysphoria and being transsexual isn't about sexual orientation. Some Transsexuals remain heterosexual and prefer woman only, even after they transition. Some prefer their own sex before transitioning and that orientation remains after they transition. And many are bisexual or bi curious before transitioning and just remain that way after transitioning. Sexual orientation is way down the line in importance to someone who is dealing with dysphoria and is transsexual. The dysphoria itself takes front and center of your attention and you really are left feeling unfullfilled, empty, and the anxiety or dysphoria literally is painful. People describe it as so compelling that they must transition or die. They are suffering that bad

Dysphoria can come in waves, getting stronger and stronger over long or short periods of time to where it takes over your psyche. It possesses you. That's why people can know they are in the wrong body and live that way for years and years. But dysphoria over times gathers strength and eventually you reach a point where you are forced to face it. It's different for everybody. There is no one right or wrong way of coping with dysphoria. We and by we I mean all transsexual people survive by going one day at a time carrying hope in our hearts that someday, our day will come and we can change what needs to be changed so that we can be happy living as who we truely are. Good luck Ultimus. Kathryn

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Incredibly well put Kathryn, you just accurately captured my experiences with gender dysphoria perfectly.

[Charlize]

Hi dear, let me add this to the above wisdom. I dressed and moved through the world as a woman for months. Then i came out to some. Then i opened up to my family and started living full time. Only a few months later did i start HRT. I knew by then that it was right for me. I had been seeing a GT throughout and she helped me to understand my feelings. Oddly the sexual turn ons seemingly vanished as my fantasies became true. I found that correct and a further affirmation.

This was part of my recent path. Yours might be completely different and there is no shame in any direction you may explore or live. This is not a race or a set course of action or even a direction. We all share a lot but are each unique in our paths. I must say that i found my path much better when i stopped trying to control things and let an inner higher power guide me.

Even pausing is part of the journey as is uncertainty.

Please fell free to post and use these forums to find your path.

We do ask that you read the terms and conditions if not mentioned to you before.

Welcome and hope to see you around.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Cloudygirl27]

Dysphoria can come in waves, getting stronger and stronger over long or short periods of time to where it takes over your psyche. It possesses you. That's why people can know they are in the wrong body and live that way for years and years. But dysphoria over times gathers strength and eventually you reach a point where you are forced to face it. It's different for everybody. There is no one right or wrong way of coping with dysphoria. We and by we I mean all transsexual people survive by going one day at a time carrying hope in our hearts that someday, our day will come and we can change what needs to be changed so that we can be happy living as who we truely are.

Kathryn, this really got me to remembering how it was when I bottled up my feelings. I would go months just holding back and I would just crash. I would rinse & repeat and each time, I crashed so much harder than the previous. Seeing a therapist and finally got on the right path has done wonders for me. I still remember the time that I just broke down crying at this dental clinic I used to work at, in sterilization where I was all alone all day with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. It was then I had decided to do something about my gender issues.

[Guest Arbon]

You have to ask can you be happy living life as a man? Considering you said you like being the alpha male I would guess the answer is yes? But if the answer is no?

then there is your answer.

Or maybe a middle path is best - be the women when you need to and keep your male life intact, which, probably the best. You do what is right for you. Transitioning is a huge undertaking though and you better be sure of yourself - and it does not sound like you are at all. And the hormones thats a different reaction then most and I would think.

[Guest Jaques]

Sometimes its just not that cut and dried and the longer we are in confusion, the more confused we can get. I feel stepping back from therapy, from all the things around that confuse you for as long as it takes, can be a good move - which is what i did. Its like being quiet, lookin inside of yourself, not questioning or pushing one way or another, just" allowing" whats there to become clearer, getting on with every day things. I moved away from all the stuff that confused me, im not suggesting if you have a girlfriend you do the same, but i felt i had to let mine go because i needed to work things out without anyone elses influence. That is when i realised i wasnt gay. It took a while and felt very lonely at times but im glad i did it because i found myself and a lot more and i became happy again - i wish you all the best in your discovery.

[Guest Claire-G]

wow Kathryn that is very well said

[Guest KimberlyF]

A few questions to help me get a clearer picture if I may. You can answer whatever you feel comfortable with.

Why have you been with 7 therapists in 3 years?

Who gave you the HRT?

What were your hopes and what did you think would get answered starting HRT?

[Guest Ultimus]

Well guys, thanks for all of the feedback, but I just can't do this. After 15 days of HRT, I think I've been weeded out, once again. It's just that the evidence for me being "just" being a guy who fantasizes about being a woman outweighs the evidence of me being a transsexual.

1.) I don't nonsexually fantasize about being a woman (i.e. I don't go about my daily life wishing I could do mundane activities as a woman) This is a huge red flag that I'm probably not a transsexual.

2.) I want to be a dad. Not a mom, and not just a parent, but a dad.

3.) While the fantasy of being a woman is blissful, the reality of it is a hassle from my experience (i.e. shaving legs, getting dressed up, talking in a female voice are all more bothersome than fun)

4.) I enjoy being perceived and interacted with as a man (i.e. being "one of the guys" and using typical bro talk, like "hey what's up man?")

5.) When I was with my girlfriend, hugging, kissing, making out, etc. it made me feel silly having these "stupid" fantasies to begin with, because it felt so awesome being a guy being intimate with a girl.

6.) All of my role models, heroes, and people I want to be like one day are men.

7.) I'd rather be an old man than an old woman.

[KathrynJulia]

Hello Ultimus

I'm glad that you have figured this out for yourself. There is no shame in being what you truely are. Many here, enjoy being a woman part time, cross dressing when the mood strikes them, but not wishing to permanently transition into living as a full time woman. Many of the feeling that you have self identified as having are compatible with cross dressing on a part time basis. Have you considered exploring this avenue? Kathryn

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Ultimus,

The most important thing to understand is that who you are is very important and you do not need to worry about if you're a transsexual or not. Indeed, there are "transgender" sites that are really "transsexual" sites and only support transsexuals. But Laura's Playground is very serious about supporting all who are transgendered.

I, myself do not identify as transsexual because of many reasons (although I have gone through very intense periods of my life when I strongly felt that I am transsexual). However, shaving my legs, arms, etc., I consider absolutely necessary for my happiness. Have I undergone HRT? Yes, but later realized that it was not for me. Undergoing GRS? I don't think so because I am happy with who I am now. Smooth skin, dresses, smelling good is really what works for me.

What works for you is all that is so important and all that we seek.

It's OK to be a Dad, I'm a Dad myself

Love.

Brenda