I Just Wanna Be A Good Little Girl.

[Guest amie]

I’d love to have seen some of your faces when initially glancing upon this thread title and seein’ my name beneath it. LOL. Funny stuff, huh?

But this is just my point. I’m tired of bein’ as peed off as much as I am and I rilly wanna be sweeter despite the way it often reads to the contrary, I’m sure.

I never desire to be an angel, you can keep your halos. I just wanna file these goat horns of mine down to a couple of pointy stubs so as to make life a bit easier on myself and still remain honest. Heehee!

This post stems from my thoughts off and on over the course of this crazy day I’ve had today that often found me with my fist clenched that eventually led to my crying.

I’m tired of this. I wanna change this but don’t know how within the boundaries of veracity. You can’t lie to yourself anywayz.

A conversation I had with one of my girlfriends yesterday got me thinkin’ about this pretty heavy, yu know? I think about my position here, on this very forum, for example. Much to my dismay and mild shame, I’m probably thought of as The Lucifer of Laura’s Playground. Boo! This ain’t cool.

I guess I’d just like all to read and believe that this part of me you too often read is just the angry Amie, The girl that doesn’t know how to cope with or correctly channel her emotions at times. I’m thirty-seven years old. So If I had to guess, this is probably a result of having to keep my guard up and keep my true feelings bottled tight for so long.

I’m rilly an overly proud spoiled brat to a self defeating extent, I’m afraid. So as a result, I seldom to never ask for advice or help. Well, the rarity has reared its pertty head, I guess? Gimme a hand if yu will, peeps. I could rilly use it. Sometimes I think this thing is starting to consume me.

[Guest Kelly Ann]

Hi Amie...Team America what a flick...action/adventure/romance...wow you were GREAT in that...and you haven't aged a day since either! How do you do it? Was that a 'stand-in' for that one scene ? Couldn't help myself there...sorry. The Hollywood Outsider says they're casting for the lead in "Hellgirl"...oh oh there again...weeeeell I was laughing at the Lucifer of Laura's comment, you can be really funny Amie. It's good to vent occasionally...and I'm very glad you filed down your horns...could you just blunt the tips a trifle more for me? I bruise easy...My early thirties were just awful...a divorce that almost destroyed me, couldn't keep a job, dropped out of college because my attention span went to like .5 seconds, lost a couple of very good friends, no family in L.A. and it's not THE best place to live and be vulnerable and feel alone. I sometimes still wonder how I made it through that mess, this was spaced over like 5 years so it wasn't just overnight that things started to look up. Things actually didn't start to turn around for me until I stopped feeling like a victum and did what seemed impossible at the time. I took control of my life back into my hands, got organized, rebuilt a vehicle and like the Beverly Hillbillies in reverse I backed...erm I mean drove across country like my life depended on it...because it did. That was back in the mid 80's...the rest as the book says, is history...cause I'm moving forward...inch by inch, step by step, sometimes I get playful and take my chalk outside and play hop-scotch to mix it up a little. Stick around Amie...Evan is the one that's always playing The Devil's Advocate. Me??? I'm an angel...it's just that my halo wobbles a bit and is mounted on a beanie secured with a chin strap 'cause I'm a little bit of a Tomboy, sometimes. A courtsy and a MUCH better day for you Amie, Kelly Ann

[Guest Evan_J]

I’d love to have seen some of your faces when initially glancing upon this thread title and seein’ my name beneath it. LOL.

Ok, so you got me. I have to admit though, while I ENTIRELY get what you're saying, even though you've (in the past) done it through razor sharp teeth, you were always honest, and for that, I personally always was pretty much happy for what you had to say about a thing. You can't always depend on someone to tell the truth, even people who usually do.

Probably one of the few similarities between "me here" and "me in rl" is the telling it like it is part. Here (somehow) I do it and people seem to love me. In rl I do it and have the same affect as scraping a chalkboard. The best (or at least most memorable0 word that's been used to describe it is "abrasive" -and believe me that wasn't meant to be a compliment. "Domineering, cold, mean, and bullying" have also found their way on that list of better traits and ,like you, turned into a "big deal" of late as I don't want to be that but don't know what to do with it. (God I hate this part)Probably for a lot of the same reasons you mentioned, an overly proud spoiled brat to a self defeating extent, with a guard that is eternally "up". I never thought of you as Lucifer. How can I? When half the time I wonder if..... well, I think its better to just claim the space as his advocate. And yeah, it hurts, or has hurt, lately. I'm 40, so close to the same ring in the inferno. Wondering why exactly I'm like this, wondering if it really matters "why" maybe its just that you do something about it, wondering what that is and terrified to actuallly find it and use it. -But afraid not to at the same time.

I think Kelly Ann is much smarter than both you and me. I only read her post just now....stopped wrttting after that last paragraph to read it.....even Kelly knows (she's much to sweet to know a thing like that). Maybe we should take her advice.

[Guest Sarinah]

I’m rilly an overly proud spoiled brat to a self defeating extent, I’m afraid. So as a result, I seldom to never ask for advice or help. Well, the rarity has reared its pertty head, I guess? Gimme a hand if yu will, peeps. I could rilly use it. Sometimes I think this thing is starting to consume me.

The only advice I can give you is to realize that everyone has problems and that not everyone can cope with them the way we want them to, and some people cant cope with them at all. When someone says or does something I dont like or understand, the first thing I do is stop and think about where they are coming from, even if I dont know them, just by what they say and how they say it you can know how they feel. With that in mind I respond with what I believe will help them the most; not help me the most, or make me look/feel better about myself.

[Guest mia 1]

Listen mon Amie nearly every time you start a post you start out angrily, then you start to back pedal and say well things aren't that bad, and then you go back to the angry part,and then refute that again. So I see you as a basically stable person that's been pushed around like all of us at one time or another.

You vent, you cry, you get angry, you apologize, that is what I used to do when I was in my thirties, like Kelly Ann, pattern here, at home at work and at recreation time.

Don't worry, keep venting, we can listen and give advice, and then read and watch you lighten up as you almost always do.

You are still young and still growing in your 30's so give your self a pat on the back and a hug from all of us..................Mia.

P.S. I noticed you weren't using any of the foul word acronyms like you usually do. Keep taht up to and make us happy.....................

[Sally]

Amie,

I am glad to see that you are trying to get a reign on the anger, it is good for motivation sometimes bbut mostly just self defeating. we have anough obsticles and barriers in front of us without reinforcing them. Now you are well aware of my PollyAnna attitude and playing the 'glad game', but it wasn't always so. somewhere in my mid to late 20s and into my early 30s I was the 'Angry Young Man' from the Billy Joel song, "With my heart on my sleeve and my fist in the air". I was trying so hard to deny who I was that I was trying to find someone to marry, if not on the first date at least by the second. I was in a dead end job at a record store and as a jazz and classical musician was being bombarded by rap - not a lot of good rap but a lot of rap. I was on edge 24/7. I had proposed to one girl who turned me down by saying, "I just couldn't imagine living with you." That tipped the old anger meter and I put my fist halfway through a sheet rock wall in the back room of the store, luckily I missed the stud by about half an inch. It was at that moment, with my hand throbing that I finally realized that being angry wasn't helping matters very much. I made the concerted effort to look for the bright side no matter how hard it was to find!

People around me couldn't figure out what was going on my outburst of Irish temper were getting shorter and farther in between. It was the turning point for me one day when my branch manager, in a last ditch effort to save his job as the company was being sold for the fifth time, fired me - two days after giving me the highest rating he had ever given a manager on his evaluation. I didn't even stay mad all of the way out of the building. I knew that as long as I was getting a paycheck I would never leave, trapped there forever. The paycheck was gone and I was free. I went home, typed up my resume and made an audition tape for cruise lines and began my unemployment, one local application and one mailed audition tape each week. I got to see the Mediterranen, the Carribbean and the Bahamas while getting paid. That is a bright side.

I have followed this pattern and I never stay angry and I never hold a grudge, they only hurt you. Let go of your anger and if you really are angry, do something physical that you can use the anger for extra strength in a constructive maner - punching that wall didn't do any good by itself, but I used it to build on.

I hope that makes sense.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

HARD LOVE

When someone starts out like that - watch out!!!

Amie - I really do read your posts and like what you have to say - anger or whatever included. We always need a few angry young women to keep us straight just like we have that very dry witted and 'anger-just-barely-there' wonder Evan to keep the lid on our flights of fantasy - and to keep us honest with our outrageous claims and imagined statistics. And speaking of Evan - not to get into personalities too much - but he does everything with HUMOR. OMG how I love that guy!

You can be like that, I think - not his way, but in your own way.

Amie - I read ypur posts but I never reply. I am incaplable of replying because I am not a personality that can deal with confrontration. There are others here that are confrontational, and I certainly can't mention names, but I DO banter lightly with them because I sense a vulnerability in their postings, and that touches my heart.

Amie - I am 23 years your senior. Like Sally and others who post here I have gone from ANGRY young man to a more sensitive person, one I like to consider as a compassionate woman. But it took a lot of self examination and attitude review. I see your posting here - and for the first time a vulnerability. GOOD JOB AMIE.

Amie - my goodness - you are just like me, just younger. OMG - sweetheart, your plea on how to be a better person? Oh my goodness - wow - it hits me in my heart. We need to talk.

And I am not exactly a PollyAnna, nor am I as ditzy as I sometimes seem. But I try to be the best parts of those qualities - those are really good qualities for what I want to be. But I want a blend of the best my new womanhood has to offer, and a bit of the good from what I learned about males. I want to be a happy person, and balanced. I want people to like me again like they did when I was a child. Nobody liked me much when I was playacting as a male. SAD-SAD-SAD

Hummmm. that wasn't exactly TOUGH LOVE.

AMIE! SHAPE UP DEAR! [Expletive deleted]

A joke sweetheart, a joke. PM me.

Lizzy

[Guest Kelly Ann]

WOW...and I was soooo sleepy when I posted that. Amie please feel absolutely free to PM me anytime.I do wander around a bit and am in and out of my modest little nest here...if you do and I'm not here I'll be to you shorthly after I'm in...if your out...heck I'll figure out some times. Er you are sort of out of the girl stage though I'd hazard...please consider yourself a young woman and always bring a sense of humor if only below the surface...I can handle steam...I'll just slice some cucumbers for my eyes. You really do have a lot of friends and people that care about you. I've found numerous of you thoughts very refreshing...being transgendered really doesn't mean you have to be on the cover of Vouge...heck most women couldn't cut that. Psssst...Evan might JUST be able to make GQ though...he's a good guy. Take care Amie...and be true to your teeth and they won't be false to you, Kelly Ann (that last bit was pure Soupy Sales)

[Guest amie]

Wow, crying while smiling n’ laughing simultaneously is a rare but wonderfully warm feeling. You guyz rilly got me good on this one this way. I’m very thankful.

It’s quite the pleasant reminder to read there’s a lotta rilly good stuff to be found in a lotta rilly good people here.

You guy’s have made me feel as though I can rightfully tack this to my short but treasured list of homes away from home and care not, or at least tolerate, my tendency to brandish my pitchfork on occasion. Heehee!

Lotz n’ lotsa hugz n’ kisses!

[Sally]

Sweet Amie,

I am so glad that we have brought you that wonderful feeling of happy tears. And so happy that you are beginning to truly feel at home here, we are all family and love each other for who we realy are. It's a great place to come and relax, but with the freezing cold temperatures everywhere it is getting a little crowded around the fire place, so just let me take that pitchfork and store it over here near the door. You can still reach it if you feel the need but it is a bit pointy and the maternal instincts in me would require me to say something that I never intended to say, "Amie, stop waving that thing around, you could put somebody's eye out!" I am also trying to avoid the "your face will freeze like that" one as well.

Love ya, so good to see ya here all smiley and warm by the fire,

Sally

[Guest Donna Jean]

***Donna Jean runs in ..gives Amie a big HUGG.........runs back out...****

****Peeks around corner waiting.....******

[Guest amie]

***Donna Jean runs in ..gives Amie a big HUGG.........runs back out...****

****Peeks around corner waiting.....******

Your funny, DJ.

[Guest Kelly Ann]

er...Sally that was my Red Ryder BB gun that'll put my eye out...heck I never even needed that to inflict damage...my thumb and finger (your choice) has worked amazingly well several times...Hmmmm if I do them both at once would I look like a racoon??? Nevermind....Amie you have to be careful when I start smiling and giggling...it IS contagious. Later on I'm going to try and talk them into dancing the Shimmy Shimmy CoCo Bah...you are making me smile lady OOPS...gotta run...my baby sis is looking for a new (used) car... OOO's & XX's. Kelly Ann

[Guest Emily1]

but with the freezing cold temperatures everywhere it is getting a little crowded around the fire place

You cold people are crazy. I LOVE the temperature now. If it weren't for the wind, I would ride my bike to school at 7:30 AM in short sleeves (I wear a coat over the short sleeves just for that). Actually, today coming home from school it was warm enough (maybe 20 degrees (or Pi/9........Any math geeks out there?)) that I rode my bike home in short sleeves!

er...Sally that was my Red Ryder BB gun that'll put my eye out

WOW, I actually get that lols (my parents would have us watch that every winter break!)

-Emily

[Guest Kelly Ann]

NOW I KNOW WHERE I"VE SEEN EMILY!!!!!!! When they show the POlaR Bear club on clips on T.V...Emily...it's YOU isn't it sweetie. I could NOT so much as even put my little toe into water up there...outside...I can't begin to imagine being in Lake Erie frolicking about. It WAS you wasn't it? Liking my Southern warmth...who'm I kidding? It was less than 30 this morning. I don't enjoy cold anymore, Kelly Ann

[Sally]

Personally I don't get cold very easily, but I know how some people are. There are photographs somewhere of my male persona (Ick) on the deck of a cruise ship in short sleeves photographing Ice Bergs, everyone else in the image are wearing Parkas.

I just sccomodate those others, I have to get into really much better shape, no one lies to see a fat woman in a sundress in January!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Emily1]

NOW I KNOW WHERE I"VE SEEN EMILY!!!!!!! When they show the POlaR Bear club on clips on T.V...Emily...it's YOU isn't it sweetie. I could NOT so much as even put my little toe into water up there...outside...I can't begin to imagine being in Lake Erie frolicking about. It WAS you wasn't it? Liking my Southern warmth...who'm I kidding? It was less than 30 this morning. I don't enjoy cold anymore, Kelly Ann

dang it, you caught me! lols