How do I know for sure that mtf is for me?

[Guest Lauren31]

I have been struggling for far to long and am having issues in deciding if a transition is really what I want, over the past seven years I have cross dressed, seen counselors, explored on every site what it would be to be female. What I have concluded is that I am so envious of the female body. I am so fascinated to think what it would be like with no penis and a more feminine figure...honestly if I was single it would be easy, I would transition. However my love for my daughter and wife is equally as strong. And my wife has made it clear that she will leave if I become a girl. Any other similar stories? How did u decide? Thank up

[Guest Jennifer T]

I have no advice for you. I am in the same place. I know with all that is in me that I can and will risk all to transition, except my wife. My salvation is to be in a female body. But my wife is my love.

[Guest Mia J]

I have felt I was really female from a very young age but trying to survive growing up in the 50s and 60s forced me to suppress doing anything or telling anyone. I have struggled with a lot of your issues wondering if it was all just some sick fantasy or if it was real. I finally realized it was real when I just could not go on pretending. One of the biggest factors for me was going to gender therapists who worked with me to not only figure out where I am on the gender scale but how far I needed to go to be able to function and be happy.

What I would recommend is that you start or continue with a good gender therapist who can help you figure out just where you are and what steps you need to do. I know this is a hard path to take with a family but many here have done so. You also may be able to find a way to reach that does not require full transformation.

Mia

[Drea]

I don't know if there is a way to know or not. At least not without experiencing all the losses first though some have taken it slowly and figured things out one step at a time.

There is a blance and people find many ways to deal with their own feelings and needs. Often one can fine ways to deal with and alleviate the stresses and find things short of "transition"

To put the discussion into the framework of "transition or not" doesn't do justice to that balance.

Folks who are "transitioning" or "transitioned" will almost inevitably say it is worth the loss. Sometimes they will give lip service to individual needs but in the end come around to saying it is worth it. So that being the case just transition and live "the sexy life"!

Seriously though, if one has committed, what else could one say? One pretty much has to make it worth it or at least convince themselves it is.

For me, I am not transitioning, I don't need to justify losses or not. Sounds to me like you care about your family, that they mean much to you as it should be. Rather than dwelling on transition or not, maybe it is finding the balance. There are plenty of folks that do, and would speak of it if anyone were willing to listen and not dismiss them as not serious enough.

[Guest SusanB]

In the end it is a personal choice, no one can answer it for you

Talk to your GT and your wife some more, might even want to take your wife to the GT with you

[Guest LizMarie]

Whatever you choose has to work for you, first of all. If you choose a path that leads to you committing suicide was that path worth following? That seems like a very bad choice to me.

So while we all want to make others happy, whatever you choose has to be something with which you can personally live. Maybe for you cross dressing and doing facial electrolysis while presenting female part-time will be enough. Only you can make that sort of decision.

But I come back to the key point - if you make a choice that will leave you miserable or even dead, is that really fair to anyone, including your loved ones? Don't let yourself be coerced into a choice with which you cannot live. On the other hand, if your choice works for you, no matter what that choice is, then go with it! For example, I know one trans woman who presents male at work and that's it. She's done this for about 9 years now. No hormones. She's done electrolysis. Even in guy mode she looks very effeminate due to eye brows, the electrolysis, earrings, and long hair. And this works for her. She says she will never have SRS and does not plan to ever do hormones.

I know another woman (not nearly as well) who is more well known who has done something similar. She works from home so she is in guy mode about 1-2 days per month. Again, she's done electrolysis, had her eyebrows done, even had a little cosmetic surgery. No hormones, no major surgeries, and this works for her.

I know trans folk who just cross dress and that is sufficient for them. I'm even aware of one person who doesn't present female at all, yet finds an outlet via extensively authoring female centric fiction.

Transitioning to live in the other gender role is just one solution to gender dysphoria. Often, it is the right solution for many of us. But there are also alternatives to consider if you want to consider them.

In the end though, you have to live with whatever choice you make. And a miserable husband, living his entire life as a fake man, can be a worse experience for your spouse and children than you just being honest with them. Do not be coerced into presenting male because someone else wants it. You have to want that too for it to work.

You see, there's really no easy answer.

[Guest Melissa~]

Only you can know of course. The usual recommendation is to visit a therapist regardless. I have contemplated something else. The cogiati may be useful for the questions it poses if not the score it produces. There are repeated questions of various angles of the same thing, as in: can you live with yourself, now? can you live with yourself post op? can you live with yourself with disastrous or other sub-optimal results (they happen)? people will be hostile-ready for it? ready for success?

The costs of transition are high, and I'm not talking about money, but that matters too. All good things require plenty of work is about the only consolation prize.

[KathrynJulia]

Hello Lauren:

I spent 20 long years staying home because of how crazy my wife was and my children were more important to me than the dysphoric pain I endured.

it was brutal enduring it. My children are now grown adults and my divorce from my crazy wife will be final in the next few weeks. I've been seeing a gender therapists and on hormone therapy for over a year now.

I've known without any doubt since I was a young child that I was transsexual. Growing up in the 60's and 70's, society forced me deep into a closet along with a lot of help from my parents. I've lived in the closet for decades. Now there is no one in my life more important than my transitioning. You may need to hold off transitioning for awhile. Seek out a good Gender Therapist and discuss your feelings with them. If you arrive at a point where you know you are transsexual, then difficult decision will have to be made on your part. There are alternatives that can help get you through for a while.

It also may become necessary for you to invite your spouse in your therapy at some future point. Good luck on making this difficult decision. There are many different ways people deal with dysphoria. People have written about their methods here on Laura's. Look back through the archives and find out the different methods creative people have used. Kathryn