Someone Help Me Understand

[Guest xJennaSO]

OK. It has been a couple of months since Ive been on this site, my husband (courtney) came out to me nearly 3 months ago. I am trying to be supportive, I know that I dont always come off that way to him, but Im doing the best I can. Hes had quite a few more years to process this than I have and I know it sometimes seems like Im moving backwards in my ability to cope.

Im sure I get annoying asking so many questions and I have done some reading on the web, but I really dont get it.

This is the point that gets me and I cant seem to find a good answer to....

Why cant a person have a female attitude and approach the world as a woman without physically being a woman? I understand the desire to have acceptance from others as a woman. But with the world in which we live, unfortunately, even with hormone treatment and possibly surgery, total acceptance by all as a woman is not realistic.

In my head, I am a super-model, ninja, rock-star. But really, I know that I do not have a supermodel body, I dont have the coordination to be a ninja, and I cant really carry a tune (although I am pretty good at Guitar Hero). I guess I could go thru all kinds of plastic surgery, devote myself full-time to the study of martial arts and take some guitar or singing lessons in my spare time. But thats not the reality I was dealt. I understand that my husband doesnt identify as male, but I dont really see what good it does to spend a lifetime being peed off that you didnt get what you wanted. Im not trying to make light of the problem or conflict that my husband feels, I just dont get it. I do want to understand so that we can work thru this.

I read something on another tg website about if you were put in a sensory deprivation tank, if you couldnt feel your body and your memory of your past had been completely wiped out....how would you know what gender you were?

That site said that M2F would just know that they were female. Maybe this is just a matter of opinion or how I look at the world, but I really dont think that ANYONE would know. I understand that gender roles are so reinforced by society, but if you never had any of that socialization towards male or female and there was no physical difference, I dont understand how you could know one way or the other. I dont really know where Im going with this thought, Im sure there is something brewing there though.

I really hope that I havent offended anyone with my ignorance. I want to understand, but its so hard when my husband doesnt even really seem to understand. I know its a very sensitive issue and its hard to have a objective conversation about the topic at home when there are so many feelings and emotions tied up.

If anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it.

[Guest Sofiadragon]

The first thing that I noticed is that you mentioned that your husband is trangendered, IE that means that, that peson isn't your husband but SHE is your wife. Also I noticed you say that you want to understand but then you keep saying things that keep controdicting that, it is hard to pinpoint just one 'cause there are so many of them in your post. My wife is actining in a simular way she says that she wants to be supportive but I notice allot of the same things & her & it is starting to get annoying 'cause I don't want to lose her but I feel trapped in this male shell that I'm being forced to live in. I can go into more detail if you would like, but that is all that I have for now.

[Sally]

This is the hardest part, I think that to truly understand the feeling you have to have the feeling. Just like a man or in my case an MTF can try to understand the pain/joy of childbirth but can never really get it - I just know that it is. There is a great deal of pain but the rewards out weigh it is as far as I can comprehend.

The human brain forms as female and at some point the mother's body releases hormones according to the chromosones, more testoterone for boys and less estrogine, if that arrives too late or in too low a level of T - the brain remains female. However that Y in the XY pair causes the baby's body to form male. There is a miss fit. The structure of the female brain is different from the male and the areas of greatest use are different as well. This is pretty much 'hard wired' before birth. Gender and sex are different and in my case they are totaly different. Gender is the mind - totallly detattched from the body it would still be female. Sex is the physical part. There is a constant conflict between the gender and the sex and we need to stop it. It is like listening to a faucet drip 24 hours a day 7 days a week - call a plumber before you go insane.

We can't change the brain, but we have made huge advances in altering the body. Will we be accepted by everyone as female, probably not, but that is not the point. The point is to end the inner conflict, to shut off that leaking fauct, to finally match gender and sex. To feel trur to ourselves and not to spend our entire lives trying to be someone who we are not.

Does that help at all,

Sally

[Guest mia 1]

Jenna If I remember right. you posted as roller coaster ride lady or something to that effect, and you used the chat room to talk to another wife.

Well the ride is still going on, and it is obviously wearing on you. Well these things take so much time and I see that your husband hasn't been posting for awhile. I do remember that he was in therapy and transtining well.

I may not be using the p.c. correct pronouns but if this is what makes you comfortable,we will bend the rules.

You may call him your husband and that is fine. So many spouses don't understand why there "guy" is becoming a "gal'' frankly there is no choice and we are at times as confused or more confused then you are.

I'm sure you have heard the story 'This is the real me" and it is, that is undeniable.

Through therapy we begin to understand and with an intelligent mind that both you and your husband have,slowly things will begin to make sense, i strss slowly. My only suggestion is for you to go to therapy with him, and let it all out, the anger, confusion, the love and the deep bond. Once you express that together you willl begin the process of lifetime love and acceptance.....................I hope this helps in some small way. Mia.

P.S. Keep the roller coaster in mind....................Hugs and Love.

[Guest Emily1]

total acceptance by all as a woman is not realistic.

Actually, I have not even started hormones yet, and the only places that I'm taken as male are at school (sorta - some people treat me as female) and at home (but they've known me for 17 years, so thats understandable. I have even been introduced to people as Emily (more interaction than just passing by them) and they totally believe that im a girl.

I read something on another tg website about if you were put in a sensory deprivation tank, if you couldnt feel your body and your memory of your past had been completely wiped out....how would you know what gender you were?

Here's one thing which I can say: there is a genetic map of how your brain knows its body should be. In this situation, although you couldn't say whether you were a guy or a girl (you would have no understanding of those social concepts), you would know what parts you should have thanks to that map. If you want to read up on this, there was a study on phantom genetalia done: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?.../IN5S103FLF.DTL

Also, you should never feel bad asking questions, and personally, i am sort of glad that people are posting when they are ignorant, because in my beliefs, the most important thing in life is sharing of knowledge, so I enjoy explaining what I know to others!

Hope this helps,

Emily

[Guest Donna Jean]

[

Hi, Jenna...I've talked a little to Courtney in friendly PM's and find her to be extreamly nice!

Hon, I know that you're trying to be supportive and I can really feel for you...I came out to my wife, too, and it was the worst thing I ever had to do..not the coming out so much..but, hurting her. That was AWFUL!

She understands the mechanics of someone being Trans, it's just me being one that that's hard for her..

We're doing way better now...She is behind me 100% but she is like you in some respects...WHY???

Coping with this is a roller coaster ride at best for all involved...some days good and some bad...never easy...

Hon...you do not get "annoying" asking questions..believe me, we ALL have a million questions...

You, having done a lot of reading on this know that this is an accepted medical condition by the American Medical Assoc. ..like diabetes or high blood pressure and needs to be treated...

What I'm trying to say, Hon...is we can't just be happy going around with a female attitude and approach to the world in a male body...that's the grist of this condition ..our bodies don't match our brains..

Maybe the treatments (hormones, SRS, etc.) won't make someone totally accepted, maybe it will...depends on a lot of things..

In your head you are a super model, ninja, rock star...(well, you are to me ) but you don't have a condition that demands that be so..you can live ...Trans folk, unfortanatly can't control the feelings (some do for long periods of time and are suicidal or miserable) and it is imposible to control successfully...that's why it's an accepted condition by doctors..

I guess I could go thru all kinds of plastic surgery, devote myself full-time to the study of martial arts and take some guitar or singing lessons in my spare time.

See, there is something you can do....

Not to make light, Sweetie...

This is hard for everyone and sometimes there are no "pat" answers. I've seen your posts here and found you to be very loving and supportive...we all hit rocky spots and have doubts..it's natural.

We want answers where there appear to be none...we ask "why can't they just______." I'm sorry it's so hard sometimes and seems to make no sense...sometimes it doesn't....

I read something on another tg website about if you were put in a sensory deprivation tank, if you couldnt feel your body and your memory of your past had been completely wiped out....how would you know what gender you were?

That site said that M2F would just know that they were female. Maybe this is just a matter of opinion or how I look at the world, but I really dont think that ANYONE would know. I understand that gender roles are so reinforced by society, but if you never had any of that socialization towards male or female and there was no physical difference, I dont understand how you could know one way or the other. I dont really know where Im going with this thought, Im sure there is something brewing there though.

There again...would you know?

Jenna, you have not been offensive in any way...doubts are doubts...pain is pain...you are perfectly within your rights to question all this!

Unfortunatly there is no "How to " book that says"You do this" and "You do that" and all will be fine...sorry..

This hard stuff, hon...you've been very loving and I understand your feelings...My wife and I have cried tons of tears..we're doing way better and I am continuing on my journey supported by my loving wife.

Hang in there, Jenna...You are a real sweetheart and things will be better...rocky spots and doubt do happen...it just means you are human..Congratz on that!

All my love for you...

XXOO

Donna Jean

[Guest DeniseNM]

Jenna there isn't much more I can add that others haven't already said but I can offer my support. My wife is going through the same things you are going through and I, as well as all the others on here, know that it is truly hard for you our family members (especially our spouses) to go through this with us. Having doubts and questions and not fully understanding everything doesn't make you non-supportive of us it just makes you human (heck we have doubts and questions too and we are the ones who have lived with it the longest). You definately are not annoying or insulting with your questions, in fact the worries, questions and doubts show that you love Courtney very much, so please don't beat yourself up about any of them. We are all here to support not only each other but also to support and help our family members as we all go through this because you are going through this crazy ride just the same as Courtney is. I consider Courtney a friend and I would also be honored to consider you a friend also Jenna. Please know that you are special because you are a spouse who is supportive of wife as she deals with everything and as you deal with everything and you are the exception rather than the rule.

Denise

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I see there are some great responses - I originally decided not to reply - but re-reading your original post, and the fact that my wife and I are exactly where you and your husband are at. I just have to reply - late but hopefully in enough of a timely manner for you to use.

I am older and my wife and I are in second and third marriages. All our children are grown and married. I confessed my true nature to my wife three months ago after working with a therapist. Finally, let me add I am in transition, and on hormone replacement therapy, which was a unilateral decision by me, much to my wife's displeasure. The point is how we are working through all that.

First let me say I feel wretched for causing my wife all the misery she is suffering. She has been grudgingly supportive, but extrememly depressed. I transfered all my misery and depression of 50 years to her. I am working 10% on my therapy and 90% on her's to get her balanced again. It has been a terrible three months.

To set the stage so you know where we are now, she and I have finally gotten to a point where I suspect we will remain together. I strongly want the 'til death do us part to kick in. I want us to grow old and be buried next to her. I also have to be a woman in body to match my female soul and mind - no real choice with that. Actually, after a huge amount of angst and gnashing or teeth, we were able to discern her major problem with my transition is the passing in public part. She laments the loss of having access to a male body for her needs, but it is the perception of public shame she dreads most. I have now been able to understand that and we are working on ways for us to take small steps in that part of my transition. Frankly, she sees no real changes in me, yet I am starting to notice people staring at me.

So that said - wow - a long reply!

OK. It has been a couple of months since Ive been on this site, my husband (courtney) came out to me nearly 3 months ago. I am trying to be supportive, I know that I dont always come off that way to him, but Im doing the best I can. Hes had quite a few more years to process this than I have and I know it sometimes seems like Im moving backwards in my ability to cope.

Exactly - I had 50+ years, my wife has had 3 months. We see her progress and retreat. We call it two steps forward, one step bac. Some days it can be three steps back.

Im sure I get annoying asking so many questions and I have done some reading on the web, but I really dont get it.

No person is capable of understanding transsexuallity other than another transsexual. It's impossible to know how we are - how we feel - how we have had to deal with it in the past - what a huge deal it is to finally find resolution. Perhaps the key is not understanding, but a loving support. That is not an easy thing to muster up - and we need it sooooo bad during the transition part of our lives. Only talking on Laura's or similar sites, to others can we find understanding, sometimes. Therapists sometimes can get an idea, but it takes training for them to start to 'get it.' That is why we are so upset when we tell our deepest feelings to someone, only to see no understanding - or at worse, pretended understanding, later turning to rejection. My wife once told me I made her physically sick. She apologised, but the memory of that remains forever!

This is the point that gets me and I cant seem to find a good answer to....

Why cant a person have a female attitude and approach the world as a woman without physically being a woman? I understand the desire to have acceptance from others as a woman. But with the world in which we live, unfortunately, even with hormone treatment and possibly surgery, total acceptance by all as a woman is not realistic.

Not realistic? Not much is realistic to us. Well... thats not true. Losing spouse, family, friends and respect of the community is realistic. I KNOW we can have a female attitude and the approach the world as a woman - I do it all the time, and most people don't even know it. They just think I am - something - they just can't figure out what. I use it in my profession and can negotiate non-aggessively anything I want against all the macho posturing in the world, and make it think it is their idea in the first place. My profession is highly speciallized in colors and hue selections and I excel. I can sit down in a all woman lunch group and have them forget I am male after a while - and have the best time! I can be accepted for how I think - realistically I know that. BUT - here is the problem - I am not always accepting of myself.

In my head, I am a super-model, ninja, rock-star. But really, I know that I do not have a supermodel body, I dont have the coordination to be a ninja, and I cant really carry a tune (although I am pretty good at Guitar Hero). I guess I could go thru all kinds of plastic surgery, devote myself full-time to the study of martial arts and take some guitar or singing lessons in my spare time. But thats not the reality I was dealt. I understand that my husband doesnt identify as male, but I dont really see what good it does to spend a lifetime being peed off that you didnt get what you wanted. Im not trying to make light of the problem or conflict that my husband feels, I just dont get it. I do want to understand so that we can work thru this.

Yes - that's hard to understand, I mean why be p-oed at what cards you were delt. And she seems angry, but ask again. She is really just incredably sad. She is p-oed that she cant get away from being sad. She is really female in soul and mind. She wants to do something about the body - she feels she has to 'pretend' always - ALWAYS - no let up - always on guard - always vigelant, and sneaky, and non-forthright, and false, and fake, and just repressed. Always-always-always- she must present as what her body advertises, maleness. It is wearing her out.

I am so much happier as Elizabeth! OMG it is so easy to be me. And I want to present myself to the world and be accepted as Elizabeth. Is that realistic? Can I ever pass and be accepted? Hopefully, maybe, probably, possibly? No way-never- partially, not everytime but often, most of the time?

I don't really care anymore. If I succeed, I succeed - if I don't - well, I haven't really failed - I succeeded when I accepted myself as I really am. Bodily transitioning is a reinforcement, but is secondary. Its a short life we have - we live it, then we die. I want to die a happy woman.

I read something on another tg website about if you were put in a sensory deprivation tank, if you couldnt feel your body and your memory of your past had been completely wiped out....how would you know what gender you were?

How do you know your husband loves you? You just do. I am spiritual and so how do I know there is a Creator of all this mess - a God? (grin) I just do. Some things are intuitive. You are a woman, you know how that is.

That site said that M2F would just know that they were female. Maybe this is just a matter of opinion or how I look at the world, but I really dont think that ANYONE would know. I understand that gender roles are so reinforced by society, but if you never had any of that socialization towards male or female and there was no physical difference, I dont understand how you could know one way or the other. I dont really know where Im going with this thought, Im sure there is something brewing there though.

I thought I was a 'person' when I was a child. I was the first born in my extended family for 24 years. I had no siblings, cousins or even neighborhood kids around. About age four I discovered there were people called boys and people called girls. I asked my mommy what was the difference (I thought here were big people and little people - me) My mom said boys grow up to be handsome, girls grow up to be pretty. Will I grow up to be like you? No, you will grow up to be like your daddy. That was terribly wrong. But all my arguements and feelings aside, my mom refused to accept I was a girl like her. So I resolved I would have to grow up as a girl in a male body. I was too young to understand gender - but I knew I thought like my mother thought, and knew what she knew, and had the same feelings she had, and was just more like her. My dad was another type being and I never thought like he thought, or knew what he knew,or felt like he felt, and I wasn't at all like him. Age four, I knew this.

I really hope that I havent offended anyone with my ignorance. I want to understand, but its so hard when my husband doesnt even really seem to understand. I know its a very sensitive issue and its hard to have a objective conversation about the topic at home when there are so many feelings and emotions tied up.

Hang in there- my wife and I worked through all that - it took me as long to 'understand' her as it took for her to 'undersand' me - if anyone can ever truly understand what goes through another's mind. At last, our love for each other finally kicked in and we just might make it - maybe, possibly, I hope so. Best hopes that you have the same results.

If anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it.

[Guest Evan_J]

Jenna, I don't think your questions/post was offensive at all. I think it was "real". Its what a wife -or anyone really who loved the tg person but wasn't it themselves- would be likely to feel most likely. My mother actually (I think if she could word it as well) would say exactly the same thing; "ok, you feel this and need me to understand you are this but why do you have to do something to yourself". And yes, there is the social exceptance part but the self at peace part is "why" most of all. Because when no one is there and I look in a mirror or urinate, or need a shower or any of the other basic things a person does in a day for me (and every dysphoric person is different) I need to see and feel "a mans body" (in Courtney's case, "a woman's body") or as incredibly close as medical science can get me to "be okay" with myself and not want to be someplace else other than in the body. Cuz think about it, where else are you if you are not "in the body"? Withdrawn completely into your mind where you can be outside of it (which will take you to the brinks of insanity eventually) or really "outside" of it and unless you know something I don't the only way a persons essence can be out of their body is to be dead.

[Guest Martin]

For me, it was more important to have a chance to be seen as myself/my true gender, even though I knew I might never blend in and might be hurt or viewed as a freak, than to be accepted as a member of a gender that I'm not. Before, when I was seen as a girl, I could never trust that anyone really cared about me because they didn't know who I was in the first place. Every compliment I recieved was invalidated because I knew there was a chance they could turn on me if they ever found out that I was a guy. Now that I can be myself, I don't have that problem. But it goes beyond that.

When my body was female, I had to constantly dissociate from it to be able to deal with it. I know no adequate words to discribe the disgust that washed over me whenever I stopped dissociating. I felt no real connection with my body, so I wound up up hurting it. I felt no connection to my social role and so had problems interacting with people. I could still enjoy some things in life, but very few things seemed real to me. The mental gymnastics took their toll, and I was very depressed. This changed when I transitioned. My body first felt like mine and then felt like myself. That encouraged me to look after it. My relationships improved after I could start acting like myself.

Maybe in a society that was fully accepting of guys with different bodies (that is, developed breasts, no penis, etc.), I could have avoided physical transitioning because I could have been myself. Maybe. I doubt it, though, because the hormones themselves had a huge impact on my mental health. For the first time, my thoughts and emotions made sense to me. That allowed me to deal with them more effectively.

But why are gender and sex so important? Why do they have to be congruent? That's a very good question. I guess people need to be recognized as themselves to be sane. If you had a dog and everyone always said she was a cat, how would you feel? If they bought you lasers and scratching posts, what would you say? If they argued with you and said your dog could not possibly be a dog - despite all evidence to the contrary - how long would it take before you doubted your sanity? If they mocked you for going on walks with her, how long would you keep it up? And how would you relieve the pressure when the dog started to get ansy without exercise, became malnurished from being fed the wrong food? How long would it take before these problems spilled over into other areas of your life, before you became unsure of yourself and wouldn't want to say anything because you would never know if society would recognize it as true? I'm guessing it would have a pretty severe impact. And that's a pet. Something completely external from you.

Trans people have to continously lie to the world before they transition. They have to mark the the wrong box on every form, sign a wrong name on every check, playact the wrong gender every minute of their lives. They have two choices when they do this. They can either do this consciously, leading to resentment of the world around them. Or they can start lying to themselves, leading to depression and self-hatered. That's no way to live. For some, social transitioning is enough. The lying stops, the pressure eases up, and they begin to live. However, social transitioning without physical transitioning is difficutl to do and doesn't do anything for physical dysphoria. That's why medical treatment can be so important.

Does that make sense - or even answer your question? If not, let me know and I'll try to clarify.

[Guest Leah1026]

Im sure I get annoying asking so many questions and I have done some reading on the web, but I really dont get it.

This is the point that gets me and I cant seem to find a good answer to....

Why cant a person have a female attitude and approach the world as a woman without physically being a woman?

Transsexuality 101

What is a transsexual?

For simplicity, a transsexual is a person whose inner sense of gender identity and brain patterns are completely the opposite of what physical form they are born into. This is a recognized medical condition which is completely unrelated to sexuality or sexual preference at all, but unfortunately society sees only brazen gay and bisexual people out there using gender bending to express their sexuality and assumes this is what transsexuals are too. A real transsexual has no more in common with a drag queen, gay or bisexual person than they do with a chimpanzee! They have a deep basic incongruity between their inner identity and their physical form which can only best be expressed as something which is within their very soul. Transsexuality occurs in equal numbers across born male and born female people. Estimates are that approximately 1 in 30,000 people are born with the condition. (Newer studies put the numbers at 1:500 http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/...ml#anchor635615 )

How does this happen?

There are many things known today through years of research, though no one single absolute cause has been quantified as of yet. It is almost universally believed that during the formation of the fetus in utero, a hormonal imbalance affects the development of the body sex characteristics in a way that is misaligned with the core gender brain wiring. The brain "gender identity" is determined very early on in the fetal growth process, though the messages of an incorrect hormone balance sent to the developing fetus’ body, redirects the "intended" natural development to the wrong physical gender. Once born, while growing up the body’s own hormone generators then further the physical discrepancy - especially once puberty arrives. Unique chormosonal or genetic influences are also possible contributing factors that are being researched as additional contributing components to the phenomenon. It is very important to understand that no two things in nature are alike - there is no black and white bipolar scheme in life, and random types of birth development happen in all species, including transsexuality. Much more common birth development variations include Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome , Klinefelter Syndrome , being Intersexed , or Gender Mosaic.

Transsexuality is not hereditary, and a person cannot not just "become" transsexual one day. As an extremely complex birth condition the situation is simply a variable in nature and there is nothing and no one to blame. It can actually be a very enlightening, even religious experience about the nature of the universe and humanity far beyond simple primative bi-polar sociological models. Most transsexuals are acutely aware of something feeling incorrect from a very early age but lack the ability to approach the issue. Transsexuality is not contagious, a "demon" or a cult into which someone can be enticed into - one cannot "catch" it, or turn into it...one is simply born transsexual. It occurs across all races, socioeconomic classes, religions, and childhood family upbringings, and has been documented throughout history for thousands of years...many cultures even have revered or worshipped them for having extraordinary vision and wisdom. Transsexuals are actually very good, intelligent, family loving people who are valuable, creative and productive members of society when given the opportunity to flourish without oppression.

How could someone want "that" surgery?

The person with transsexuality eventually must learn to accept their situation if they are to survive happily in self congruity, and not be rendered incapacitated by depression and other co-morbid mental health problems out of frustration and despair. They often have worked very hard at being everything they could for everyone else but no matter how hard they try, they always come up feeling empty and unfulfilled because they are still not whole. These feelings magnify over time until eventually the individual is overwhelmed in dysphoria. They may have tried to live in a role and style that is incongruous for a long, long time until it finally becomes unbearable… this can become a critical life threatening time for the transsexual. To simply try to even live in some sort of duality or "alternative lifestyle" without true physical and social alignment is to just continue the intolerable hypocrisy of a masquerade in a different form, still being something they are not. The ultimate goal is to be truthful and completely real unto themselves as their true gender identity dictates. The only real option left then becomes the social process of transitioning to their correct gender and also the medical process of hormone therapy and surgery. Physical pain and expenses become completely insignificant in comparison to the prospects of having to endure living life in a false way any longer.

The Life Experience of a Transsexual.

A person with transsexuality will almost always go through many devastating and long stages of fear, guilt, anger, shame, self loathing and emotional distress throughout their life as a result of the incongruity. They know that they will also likely face fear, hatred, prejudice, violence and rejection – sometimes even from those they may love or respect most. No one wants or chooses to have this happen to them, so as a result transsexuals typically live seriously disrupted lives tangled in deep inner emotional conflict. They must go through a very long difficult process of getting beyond their internalized conflicts and societal pressures by learning to finally accept that this is just who they are, and these are the cards they have been dealt in life. It is then that they realize they must play it out to the best of their ability to achieve congruity, for their own health and well being.

Often those with transsexuality will attempt almost anything in the world to avoid facing their fears and unavoidable situation, including super-human macho activities or careers, marriage, family, extreme creative endeavors or even turn to religion, drugs or alcohol to escape. Sooner or later though, if they have survived this far they will find that these things did not work and they must face yet another even greater battle with their transsexual "demon". The fear of facing the issue can instill an emotional paralysis that can be difficult if not impossible to shake. It is then that they must seek professional assistance to gain some kind of movement in their situation. There is an immense amount of deep inner personal work ahead for someone who reaches this point, many unfortunately, never make it. If they do, they come to realize that the "demon" was an internally fabricated myth woven out of fear of change, emotion, insecurity and social pressure - It was never even really there at all. As US President F.D.Roosevelt. put it - "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts"

The Final Freedom.

Once the transsexual person has overcome their fears, guilt and shame and accepted themselves and learned to feel self worth, happiness and inner pride, with proper guidance they will move forward through transition and on to establish new lives in the properly aligned role. The period of time can be short sometimes for very young transsexuals who can't find coping skills in life or are less affected by social "role" pressures to conform to - or it can take years, even decades to unfold. The path can be a treacherous, painful, expensive, lonely and emotional one but it can be done successfully with the highly rewarding end result of rising above the flames of their torment and dysphoria like a Phoenix from the ashes.

To just feel "normal" is something almost everyone takes for granted in life - For the person afflicted with transsexuality, it is the Holy Grail.

Once an individual passes through the processes involved, wholeness of being is achieved and the person can transcend their past medical condition and live a balanced, normal life.

Source: http://dazzled.com/igirl/ts101.htm (link no longer active)

Hope that helped.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Transsexuality 101

What is a transsexual? Et al

Leah

Uhhhhh.... I stealing this article from you - is it copyrighted or do you have any edits in it? I want to store it in my BLOG, and incorprate it in a speech I am preparing for the possible presentation to my church. It just about mimics what I have already prepared, but has some great statistics. It will be fairly well edited as I want to make it first person and from the view of a transsexual, and I will credit the source. I am shameless in my theft, but I am also determined to get this type of information out!

Liz

[Guest Donna Jean]

Leah, Thank you for that..That was one of the best that I've ever seen! Really appreciate you putting that up..I'll bet that there's a lot of cutting and pasting going on... (Guilty here!)

Thanks again

XXOO

Donna Jean

[Guest cerise]

Thanks Jenna for posting this as it is what I joined this forum for , which is to work through my role male or female and in essence we are a matrix of both .

[Guest Kelly Ann]

Thank-you Jenna for starting such a thoughtful thread. A big hug to you and Leah as well (what a teriffic article), Kelly Ann

[Guest thisismylife]

Thank you leah (and liz for showing me) for the great article.

[Guest Sergei]

Fantastic article, thanks for posting it Leah. xx

[Guest mia 1]

Thanks Leah yu are remarkable. Well stated and from some one with youthful exuberance.

Jenna hope you arefeeling better about your situation, it is so very hard , butthese transitins can't be helped.

Sometimes I think the spouse' biggest fear is being left behind. That won't happen.............Hugs to youu both. Mia.

[Guest michelle.butterfly]

Hi Jenna, I see you already have a lot of answers here but I just wanted to say first off that you are wonderful for trying to learn to cope with this and I know it's hard, my wife and I are going through similar pain. I hope you begin to find relief soon. Unfortunately I don't really have advice, just a perspective.

I have tried very hard to explain to people the feelings but it's pretty much impossible. It's something that someone who does not have transgendered feelings can only accept, not understand, per se. I feel like things are in the wrong spot; I feel like my chemistry is wrong. I want desperately for it to be fixed. There is no "why". It simply is.

Finally, you mention being accepted by all as a woman, and I would just say that, at least in my case, I find that secondary to the need to feel that I am female. Even if I don't manage to achieve a 100% "pass" rate, and even though I likely will spend lots of time in a community that knows my past, I am doing this for myself, not them. To meet that need to feel female, above all else. For my body to finally match my brain.

Much love and gratitude for you Jenna, I am wishing the best for you and Courtney.

With love,

Michelle

[Guest cerise]

The beginning days of finally deciding to transition were not only thick with relief but a settling in period and with different degrees of girlyness for lack of a better word . I was going through a new growing up stage {adolescence} similar to a girl growing up trying out different makeup , hair, clothing, behaviors, etc . I was also somewhat obsessive at the start constantly shopping trying to find my style. That was 2 years ago and since then I have settled into what I feel is comfortable or works for me .Now I live as much as I can as myself when at home and present male when necessary . 2009 brought me to the point of accepting that this was not going to go away and nor did I want it to .

All I am saying is this is a settling in period not only for you but for Courtney .

When I told the people that I was a female spirit / brained I said that the only difference that it will make to them is that they know that about me that and explain some of my actions and attire .

Coming into the light is just that , a time to grow .

What is the most important is that you both love and care for each other .

[Guest Leah1026]

Leah

Uhhhhh.... I'm stealing this article from you - is it copyrighted or do you have any edits in it?

The author is unknown. The website, as I noted, is no longer active. Thankfully I saved it when I did. I am guilty of spreading it everywhere. The only part that's mine are the final words "Hope that helped". I really probably should have put the document in it's own quote box. Oh well.

Glad you all like it.

[Guest doodle]

try reading True Selves. by Mildred Brown and Julia Serano's Whipping Girl. To me Serano's book is the best description of be trans. You can get them at amazon. Web sites are probably not the best source of info

doodle