How to deal with feeling hopeless?

[Guest _kerplunk]

I realized I was ftm 2 years ago and still have only come out to friends, I am 15. I for some reason thought the longer I wait the better but now I realize that isn't true. Everything is just getting harder. I started wearing guys clothes, binding, cut my hair and I thought all that would make me happy and it kind of has but not completely. I want to start T so bad but I am not out to my parents so I can't. I have social anxiety so its hard for me to talk to people and I am afraid of crying infront of people. And me and my parents dont get along very well. I just feel like I will never be happy. Right now I am not even living my life I am just wasting away wishing I could be someone else. The internet used to be my escape but now even when I log online I see happy cis guys or transguys starting T or whatever and it makes me feel even more sad. I dont even want to exist anymore because I will never get anywhere, what should I do? I cant tell my mom this and I have literally 0 friends (home schooled) so I have no one to talk to.

[Guest LuceKeagan]

I'm sorry you feel hopeless. The way I dealt with it was to distract myself as much as I could by drawing, writing or playing video games. Later on I turned to doing Tai Chi which helped me a lot. I was also homeschooled after grade (primary) school so I know it can be rough not having many (or any) friends outside of family. Online friends can be great people to talk to, this forum and the chat room are great places when you need someone who will listen to you. Hang in there man, hang on until you can move out and away from your family if you have to. There is a beginning in sight, it seems like forever away but you -will- get there.

[JJ]

You are in a tough place. And while it feels like you will never get any place the truth is that your life hasn't even started yet. Our society has forgotten that childhood and the teen years as well are preparation for adulthood and not an end in themselves.

The day will come when you can make your decisions and be free to have the life you dream and need. I think because of the huge scientific breakthroughs you will see and have possibilities as far as having a fully male body I can only yearn for but will never know.

Being 15 is hard. For most people it is not the best but the hardest time of life-but for us this is doubly true because we see and feel changes that are wrong for us but we are powerless to intervene. Powerless often to make our lives what we need them to be. Driven by nature to begin to exert ourselves in the world and thwarted by our situation so that we cannot really do what nature drives us to do. But you CAN get through it. You can find positive ways to cope and make plans for what you will do when it is possible to be yourself.

You mention not being able to tell your family-and only you can judge how safe and appropriate that is-but many fear a rejection that doesn't always happen. Not saying you should tell but not to automatically rule it out. If she would be willing to read or at least consider the scientific studies and proof that this is not a mental illness but a physical condition arising from pre-natal brain development it may be that you could get help now. Even the AMA as well as the APA has come out saying that it is a physical condition and treatment is a "medical necessity". However you will find very few Drs are willing to directly intervene and prescribe hormones before 18 even if your mother was supportive. But seeing a gender therapist and being able to openly live your life can still make an enormous difference.

Life won't always be awkward. It won't always be hard. I never knew how much difference it would make. I found peace and comfort after a much, much longer wait than you can even imagine. And it was worth it. You have much to look forward to. You just have to hang on and get there. Binding and cutting hair and all that are just expressions of being yourself-they are not answers. That's why they can only do so much. It's living life as you are that is the key. However you are.

Being underage you may have to wait for that. But it will make all the difference when it can happen.

Johnny

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi,

The socialization dynamic is complicated by being home schooled. Are there other avenues where you could male friends? Having a good close friend would be very good for you I think.

I am sure you will find that you are progressing much more than you realize. Have you always been home schooled? Or is this a recent thing? Do your parents explain why they have decided to home school you?

You are going to fine. Life is always in a state of constant change.

You are changing all of the time.

Love.

Brenda

[Guest _kerplunk]

I only started home school 2 years ago due to bullying and severe anxiety.