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39 and a new life awaits. MTF


Guest Notsureyet

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Guest Notsureyet

I have read much, and watched many videos,documentaries ect... on feeling and being transgender and the MTF process. I am 39 years old. Since I was 11 or 12, I have felt feminine. I have fought all my life. Since I was 15 or so to try to be a "man". Fight I did. I got picked on cause I was thin and non-confrontational. I was kind of poor at times in my childhood. My father committed suicide when I was 7. I got picked on in school because of that also. Until around 15 when I punched a kid so hard he had a softball sized lump all around his eye. After that only the very biggest guys would mess with me at all. I went metal at that time so I listened to Metallica ect.. black n blue all over. lol

My first girlfriend and I never kissed. Her name was Danica. I just couldn't figure it out i guess. We were in 6th grade I think. Just as a side note here, Danica is gay as far as I know and I wish she were here. So I could give her a hug. My first experience of sex was oral and masterbation with another boy of the same age.We were around 13, and did it for around 2 years on and off. Never got caught. Things just changed I got some different friends, and we rarely ever saw each other again.

At 15 and 1/2 or closer to 16 I found a girl who I loved Karen we spent time in the library after school hugging kissing flirting. She broke my heart. A girl found me when I was 17 and she was good at turning me on so we dated, she got my virginity, and so I just forgot about all the stuff in my youth ,the mags with transsexual girls, putting on female clothes, and loving it. Putting phallic objects into my anus, covering myself in shaving cream when no one was around.Shaving myself all over.I did that until I was 14,then it was just my penis area until like 17. Then I stuffed it all in a deep dark closet, so I thought. The thoughts came back .I hid everything very well. I could never fully tell anyone.

Fast forward through college,mechanics trade school. Fast forward through my marriage at 32 that ended when I was 35. Fast forward through my moms cancer,and all the other things life through at you. Hiding through all of it.I am 39 .40 in November, Scorpio yep that's me. I have since told my friend Nina my friend Rik and his friend Mark, and 2 mental health specialists that I think I am transgender. This part is an add on ,my Mom just called while I was typing this and I told her just now. I am going to set up an appointment and find out.

I am done with the fighting. I want to be happy ,we all deserve it. And for years I thought I was just a screwed up angry guy, who is a negative black hole that light flees from, for fear of being devoured. I scarred myself up on the chest and upper arm area also. Because I thought if I could not have a body that any woman would want then it would stop these feelings I have. It hasn't.

I am a semi-smart human who loves purple and pink. loves shoes and bags and anything shiny. Animal print anything, as long as Its not real fur, I hate any type of cruelty against any animal or living thing. I even put spiders outdoors as opposed to squishing them. I don't have the right. I build my own computers and can fix and diagnose any problem with any electric device or machine.I love fashion and I love to cry sometimes it feels good to know i still can.

I have started walking and acting more fem at work, as in like the last 3 days. I am a kitchen manager for a Hilton garden hotel, lots of responsibility pressure ect. In the 6.5 years I have worked there, I have been employee of the month 4 times. and there have been 2 employees of the year since it opened in 2005, and i was the second one ever to get the award. I am one of about 7 others who have who have been there since the almost beginning. I think people are starting to notice a little bit now. And they are whispering ect. I fear for loosing my job despite all the good things right above. Some of the "kitchen" guys " will be fairly disgusted I think if their manager wants to be a girl. Most of them know me fairly well.For pure fear for their life I don't think they would say a word to my face. I am not a huge guy but I'm just shy of 6'1" and weighed,185-190 most my life I hit 201 lbs one time. I am eating much better and weigh 170 right now. I have done some martial arts training in 3 different styles, so i can still defend myself fairly well. Anyway work is gonna be the hardest, but i have been a counselor for the developmentally disabled and the mentally handicapped. So I can do other things. But I live almost paycheck to paycheck I do have insurance . I cant afford to loose my job.

This is the tip of a VERY large ice berg, that's about to defy the laws of physics and do a 180 so the biggest part is showing, and the tip is in the water.I have many other things to share, such as the fact that my uncle, my mothers brother. Went to jail when I was like 21 or so { I was long gone from my home town by this time} for molesting his new wife's children ages 7-9. He spent 8 or more years in prison for it. Nothing clicked until October of 2012 though, driving down to my grandfathers funeral. My Mom told me my uncle had been sexually molested, as a child, I don't know how old he was. But it was by a male friend of his own brother. He used to babysit for me sometimes

Everything at that moment clicked like it had never before, I have been doing what I could since then to come out, but the dam is bursting right now. I invite everyone here to give me advice on how to ride the crest of the title wave, called my new life, lol i don't have a real name picked yet or anything.... Get your swimming floaties and, "Buckle up, it's gonna be a bumpy ride". Be well, and do to and treat others as you would want them to do for and treat you. XXXXOOOO :)

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Guest Sarah Faith

Welcome to Laura's Playground! :)

Thanks for sharing your story, I think its a rough journey for all of us to go from burying it, to sharing it with our loved ones.

Seeing a Gender Therapist is a great step to take, they can help you sort through your feelings and help you decide on what path is best for you.

I hope we can be of some help to you along the way, there are lots of great people here. :)

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  • Admin

Welcome to the Playground, hon, and thank you for this very detailed portrait of your life. You story resonates with me, and I'm certain other members will see bits of themselves in it, too.

I hope that your mother reacts well to the news, but you should be prepared in the event she does not. Whichever way it goes, please be patient, as this is a huge shock to most people and it takes time to come to terms with it.

I strongly suggest you find yourself a gender therapist to help you through this journey. They usually have experience and training that can make it easier for you as you progress, and can help you understand yourself, as well as prepare you for what lies ahead, including the workplace transition process. I also recommend going slow with the workplace stuff, until you develop a timeline and a plan. You need to talk to your HR when the time is right, and let them assist you with it. Going it alone is a very risky proposition. We have a lot of guidance in the Coming Out subforum, and I suggest reading through some of the topics.

You';re welcome to post in any forum, and ask any questions, but I do ask all our new members to please read the site Terms and Conditions, as they help us keep the site safe and friendly for all.

When you decide on a name, even a temporary one, please let us know. We can always change it again later. It would help not having to just call you "hon." :)

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

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Guest miss kindheart

Hi Notsureyet,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules. :)
We all look forward to seeing you.
:wub: vanna

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Guest Guest_

Welcome to Laura's Notsureyet, This is such a wonderful place, Everyone here cares and understands. We will always be here to help you on your journey. Love Amber L,

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