So I went to see a therapist today...poor guy, I'm a basket case!

[Guest sPAZAttack]

So today I booked and received my first gender counselling session...wow is all I can say. I got there and pretty much opened up about everything. It is the first time ( sober) that I have told anyone about my inner thoughts and it was really --Censored-- scary. I did not realise all the daddy issues I may have, how my being transgendered may be a way of trying to gain acceptance from my father, as he princessed my sister. My sexual fantasies and current cross dressing behaviors may stem from this and that is something I really need to explore. Along with that all the gay stuff, who and what I'm attracted to, I tried to be really up front. I definitely told him that I was gay, but not overly sexual, that crossdressing is my main sexual thing. At the end of the session he asked if I had any questions to ask him. I asked how he would diagnose me after our talk, he said he knew I was gay when I first answered the phone ( amongst other things of course). I also asked him if I am using my transgendered feelings to deny that I am gay. He disagreed and said that from what I had said that I wanted to be a woman, which was a little comforting I suppose. Anyway, the crux of his message was that I have tried so hard to meet the impossible expectations ( straight, sporty, masculine ) of my family and in the process made myself an unhappy person. I have to disregard these expectations.

After the session, I pretty much immediately walked to my car and burst into tears. I was hyperventilating, shouting and bashing about the car. It took me a few minutes to really calm down. Anyway, I'm at home now, sitting here not really sure how I feel to be honest. My next session is in about a weeks time, I'm looking forward to it, he says I need to take the time and think about whether I want to be a girl or not. Hopefully my head will be clearer by then... I dunno feel free to comment if you like, I think I just needed to put this in writing. Thanks for listening, Dylan

[Sally]

Dear Dylan,

The most important thing that came out of your first session was a tremendous release of so many things that you have had bottled up inside of you for so long - like a boiler that has too much pressure building up inside of it some steam must be let out in order for it to continue to work properly and not just explode.

We tend to jog right past the warning signs and only seek help after the meltdown - this is a good thing, you let out some of those emotions along with the secrets.

It should get easier now that you have opened the spillways and let your emotions out.

Love ya,

Sally

[VickySGV]

You mention the word "sober" which means one whole whoppin' big lot to me, and tells me how much of a pressure release you had in this experience. I had to get sober to even start getting gender therapy, and then got it when I wasn't looking for it. You could never live up to your father's level of respect and love was dependent on his having respect for you. I know that one all too well. You are on your way to your own life now, where you can give yourself the love that you should have felt in the past. Sober, I can give myself the love I yearned for from others. We have to learn to do this, and this is where your therapist can help, teach, and coach you to do for yourself what others ideally would have done for us. This is wonderful to hear.

[Guest Mia J]

It sounds like the session gave you a chance to do a lot of releasing which will help in finding your place on the gender scale. Thanks for posting. I have found that my GT has done wonders for me.

Mia

[Guest sPAZAttack]

Thanks guys, I'm in a bit of a bad place right now. Just glad that other people feel the same after seeing a therapist. The whole releasing pressure thing is definitely right. Definitely felt different after talking to him, well after letting it all out. Mum rang and I told her pretty much everything, which was a nice change. I need to start living my life, not someone elses I think. Starting a blog to record how this all goes down... Thanks for listening, Dylan

[Guest Jaques]

i almost breathed a sigh of relief when i read that Dylan, well done, im happy for you!