I'm tired.

[Guest Flistan]

Sorry, couldn't think of a more appropriate or clever title. I suppose it's because, well, I'm tired.

I try to keep calm and optimistic, but with my mental instabilities sometimes fake smiles aren't so easy to put on. They over exaggerate everything in life, so I'm not sure if I really deserve attention like I never get, or maybe I push it away, idk. I'm not really sure how to ask for help, nor what I expect to receive from spouting what's on my mind. The only thing I really want is relief, but apparently the universe doesn't have that in store.

I was born and raised a super-innocent, faithful Christian girl. That was easy to let go of when I converted into this... whatever I believe in now- this universal soul thing. It's hard to explain. I converted because things simply didn't make sense to me even though they used to.

Now, I'm having trouble let go of another belief I have- karma, you reap what you sow. I try to live by good morals, do well unto others when given worse from others, but it's not like I expect the universe to reward me. I'm happy to do it. It's simply my nature, but I'd just like some slack.

Maybe I did something in a former life, or maybe someone up there just really hates me. Testing makes you stronger, but I'm pretty worn out.

I've been cheated out of a lot of things in life. I feel like I'm a good person, but my soul is prone to envy. It's not so easy to cope when literally all of the trans* people you know started transitioning at the same time regardless of age except yourself. I just brooded in group therapy being tortured by the good news, being mentally forced to stay until they could actually understand my point of view. For the longest time, I didn't even think I was physically capable of transitioning because of poor genetics, yet they didn't really think how bad that felt. I felt a terrible lack of empathy. I've had nightmares and gained weight ever since then. My breathing problems at night are becoming worse because my breast size has become so high it suffocates me when I sleep and hurts my back.

At least I have a supportive, yet small family. It's still hard though, being stuck at home 24/7, no car or license(yet), no job(yet), no money, out of school on medical withdrawal contemplating my terrible self-esteem and self-image. I can't even afford a bra to keep myself from looking vulgar in public. (Right now I'm a DDDD/G wearing DD bras with only a 38 chest, formerly 36.) I am a little overweight to the eye, but I have extremely good curves and child-bearing hips, thin waist to boot, pretty eyes, heart-shaped face, everything.
If I even got the money to start T, I wouldn't be able to pull it off. I would look and feel like an absolute joke, but waiting for surgery is just terrible. But still I would try. Unfortunately, because you know, families need to eat, we've cancelled my first two, or shall I say only two, endo appointments.

I'm ready to beg for money. Plead for it. My nightmares and panic attacks and depression are worsening, and I fear for my health. I have resources, meds, and all that, but people don't seem to realize that I'm not just "fine" with my body like I used to be. I used to be able to shrug it off and just hope for the future to change me, but it's driving me crazy now, and so is everything else in life. If I were simply male, just right now, I would be 500% happier, more active, less lethargic, and ready to do anything and everything. Instead, I'm lonely, drained, melting, and tired.

It's hard not to be profane on here in this state sometimes.

I guess I just wanted the attention I never really got, but I'm afraid it can't be satisfied.

I used to be happy dressing up in secret, being called my chosen name and everything. Now it makes me feel worse. I feel fake, questioning, I look like a joke, I act feminine yet I wish to be seen as sexually vers or dom. I suppose I ask too much. I've already changed my name 5 times to no avail.

I don't really have hopes in my future anymore. Hope is what karma gave me, but I don't believe in it anymore. If my father could get away with the mental abuse he's given my family, and so many good people don't get what they deserve, then I don't believe in universal justice.

I wanted to be a novelist and a concept artist, get married and maybe have a kid. But look at me, stuck at home, out of school, half crazy and incompetent, and 21 I may add, so doubly an adult by now. I have no freedom and no one sees me the way I want them to, so I feel like I'm not taken seriously, which I know isn't true.

Honestly, if I could just have some energy and maybe be back to a DD size, I could be happier. Just to get this weight off of my chest, no pun intended. Getting rid of the nightmares would help too. Just a little bit of relief could get me through the day, to wait enough and stick it out.

I just need some compassion, some hugs and hot chocolate. Unfortunately, I can't get that from my family, because they try so hard and it would only break their heart if they knew how bad I felt. All two of them. Plus they have problems too.

I wanted to be a knight in shining armor, but now I'm just a weeping peasant.

So yeah, there's my story.

And throughout typing and revising this thing, I've been crying and cradling my boobs so they don't hurt my back in this stupid chair.

Yayyyyy life is so fantastic.

I think I'll go recite all the 4-letter words I know and cry myself to sleep.

Because I'm a strong man.
Eyup.

[Guest angels wings]

Hello matey (((((((((((((( hugs)))))))))))) if I could make you a hot chocolate and some cookies I would be right there .

At the moment things seem l,e there is no way out and at times in my life I felt the same . I know my partner felt the same for over 40 years . There is hope there is happiness out there sometimes we just need to wait a little . Waiting does not mean it won't happen . You know who you are . Have you seen a dr about your depression? Are you able to study from home or online ? Do you see a therapist?

This journey is challenging don't let the negative over load you . There are positives in your life .

Here in Australia I know there dr who preform surgery for women who have large breast and their health is been affected . Do they do the same in your country?

Hang in there matey you will get where you need to be try and be patient Erik hold unto your dreams take little steps you will make it

Angel ((((((((((hugs)))))))) filled with strength and hope

[Guest Flistan]

I do see a therapist and when I get a chance see the doctor. I do have meds, but I may be changing them soon. Blahhh. Don't really have the money to study away from school right now. I'd have to physically go back to get the loans I think anyways... Not sure if people offer online what I need- mostly artsy stuff. x.x
We do have breast reduction, but you still have to pay thousands of dollars to do it. Also, I currently don't have health insurance which means I still have a family practitioner bill for $240... *sigh* I miss the simple things in life, you know, like having health insurance. 3:
I hate America. I hope to get out of dodge asap. We definitely have our ups, but we have quite a bit of downs.
Thanks for the reply. :3 I appreciate your concern.
*hugsback*

[Guest angels wings]

Thinkin of you matey ((((((((((((hugs)))))))

Angel