New, possible FTM? Hi everyone.

[Guest Gabriel Harrison]

Hello, everyone.

This is my first post here, and I can't shake the feeling like I'm at an AA meeting, as though I have an illness or something. I don't really believe that I do, but there is some little nagging feeling in my mind that screams "You Are Not Right."

I'm a 31-year-old biological female. I am struggling with a feeling that I am not female or male, but maybe something in between. Maybe both. Maybe neither. This has come to a head over the past couple of weeks, and I began reading here and there online to find what kind of support I could. Maybe someone out there has felt like I do.

I will try to give a bit of background, and any feedback is most welcome.

I was never a girly child. I liked playing in the dirt, and enjoyed Tonka toys as much as Barbies. I couldn't stand dresses. I always wanted to hang out with the boys in the neighborhood, but I was a chubby, shy girl, and I wound up naturally being included with the girls, where I felt I didn't quite fit.

Fast forward to high school, and I dressed rather masculinely. I had short hair and joked with a good friend about being lesbian lovers. We kept up the charade(nothing ever came of it) just to make the religious kids around us uncomfortable.

I would occasionally joke with friends, saying "when I get my penis..!" then things would be better. I don't know why anymore; likely just because then I could pee standing up. As a funny to giggle at, I got drunk and TRIED to pee standing up once...it didn't work out that well.

I maintained straight relationships with men throughout my late teens and throughout my 20s. Although I found them attractive, I also couldn't help but feel that some of that was admiration and envy. I wanted to have a smooth chest and male genitalia. I never really gave it serious thought until a couple of weeks ago.

Over the years I have always played video games, and in them I always loved playing male characters. I could be what I wanted to be there. I was reluctant to tell people I was really female, but it came down to it on occasion if they wanted to voice chat.

I enjoy writing, and the stories I write often have almost exclusively male characters. I enjoy putting myself in their bodies, imagining what might be if I owned that body.

It is a confusing thing, and I believe I do want to go to counseling. I want to understand what I'm feeling, be assured it's normal, accept myself. If having another body is what I need to feel fulfilled, I want it. I am not sure where to start, though. That's why I'm here. If anyone has any insight, please, I'd love to hear it. Does this story sound familiar to you in any way?

Thanks for your time, and best regards.

Gabe

[Cyndee]

Welcome Gabe to Laura's and thanks for sharing

This is a great site to explore yourself, I hope you enjoy your time here

It can all start with a visit to a therapist, and opening up. Very benefitial to sit across from someone that gets it.

Hugs

Cynthia -

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Welcome to Laura's Playground Gabe! You'll find alot of good info here, and supportive people as well..

Therapy is a great first step to take in figuring things out for your self and I hope you can find the path that fits your needs, and thanks for sharing your story.

Sarah

[Guest Gabriel Harrison]

Thanks for the quick replies, Cynthia & Sarah! I will keep reading around, and I'm glad for the warm welcome.

A fellow RPer, Sarah! I can't help but wonder if we've met. I play around on Moon Guard in WoW from time to time:)

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Thanks for the quick replies, Cynthia & Sarah! I will keep reading around, and I'm glad for the warm welcome.

A fellow RPer, Sarah! I can't help but wonder if we've met. I play around on Moon Guard in WoW from time to time:)

I play Horde on Khaz Modan, and Alliance on Hellscream but mostly Horde. I haven't been super active lately though sadly too busy with other stuff. When I play MMO's its lately it's Star Wars The Old Republic!

And your welcome!

[Guest DanD]

hello! welcome to the forums. forums arent a bad way to find some info and support. of course the internet has oodles of info about everything you could ever want to know...or at least a good amount anyway.

age 31 sounds about right too..if someone's been floating on thru with the current, around age 30 or so they stop to evaluate whats going on with their life.

(I am FTM trans..sort of mid-op, depending on how you look at it.)

If youve been doing a good job of hiding all sort of feelings deep down, for some reason they eventually seep up to the surface..

I was about 30, but i knew what i was and what i wanted for a long time, just had kind of "lost my religion" so to speak.. what seems impossible is a hard thing to keep a clear sight on, especially when there's no support in that direction.

what we want and what we hope for, and what we do about it, alot of people wonder about that at some time or other. hard to know or think when there's too much clutter noise going on around us and inside our heads about it all.

i dont have to tell you some people will be okay with it, and some people wont, and its hard. but part of the hard part is just thinking clearly for yourself, and knowing what you want. Then you figure and earn all about it, what is possible, or not..and how to get what you want and need. its almost like any other thing people want or need, but its sure a hard thing..

I dont know what triggered you to have this come to the forefront a few weeks ago...i wont ask, but sometimes its a birthday, or a death, or some other thing, sort of wakes you up and you say.. I'm really not happy pretending like i have been.

nobody can know you as well as you do, so its something for you to ponder; and thats where a good gender therapist comes in..to help you figure things out.

i'd offer you any support or advice (if you ask). People here are all sorts, and different, but they all seem to mean well, and offer their best they can. so feel free to write whats on your mind if you want. They might see things the same way or not at all, but thats just the way it is, doesnt mean they cant feel empathy, or they dont want to understand.. Sometimes, an MTF can understand about some things better than any other, and offer something great, even though there's FTMs here too, or vice versa. you just never know. never assume someone cant or wont understand, sometimes people can surprise you.

Thats something I learned a while back.

[Guest sophia.gentry58]

Hello Gabriel and welcome to Laura's Playground! You will truly find that LP is a place you can call home. We are all family here, from those of us not really sure where we fit in just yet, those who are in the midst of transitioning, post-op, or those who are significant others of those making the transition journey. There is a ton of wisdom here, you only need to glean. You will also find a site here that list various gender therapists so you can look at each profile and decide which therapist you would like to talk to. Again, welcome Gabriel, welcome home!

Sophia

[Guest Jaques]

Hey there Gabriel, good to have you on board............

[JJ]

Hi Gabe

Sometimes it can take awhile to really discover what we have pushed back or not understood for a long time. You've made a great start here where people can understand and are accepting of how you are feeling. While it is rare it is also normal in the sense that it is the result of a physical condition-a mismatch between the gender related areas of the brain and genitalia that occurs before birth it is now believed.

Gender is a wide spectrum too with people being anywhere along it from all male to all female or mixtures. A gender therapist-and since many traditional non gender therapists are unfortunately still treating this as a mental illness because they have not been educated in the gender field or kept up with new developments-is your best bet for guidance in figuring it all out. They can save you years of doubt and misery. There is a list of therapists here on site and many LGBT centers will have a list of gender therapists as well. If there are none in your area there are also some who work online via Skype and other methods. they are usually very reasonable too.

I identified as a woman with a man's brain all my adult life till I finally discovered what that really meant. But inside I always only identified with male things and people, And have transitioned but coming to know who I am and what I needed to do was a slow process. Like peeling back a layer only to find another below. At first that was hard but in time it got easier and I found more and more peace. Sounds like you have already made some important steps-and being willing to examine what you feel and explore your inner feelings is perhaps the most important.

Glad to have you here

Johnny

[mara13]

Greetings and salutations Gabe! I to am a little of both, though I am bio male, I realized long ago that I am both a man AND a woman. It is a good feeling for me because I have a sense of spiritual balance that helps me to empathise with all my friends. Embrace your individuality, run with it, and just enjoy life to it's fullest.

[Guest Gabriel Harrison]

You guys are amazing. I already feel a bit less stressed hearing that there are others who have felt similar - even though who knows how much I'll have to go through yet.

[Charlize]

Hello dear and welcome. As you have found you are not alone. We are here for each other. Peeing standing up is good but perhaps over valued so don't worry about that too much. More important is how we feel about ourselves and the relationship between our bodies and our feelings. I found a lot of help here and it was at least part of the reason i finally got to a Gender Therapist (GT) to find out more about my self and a path to follow. I live as a woman now but have so far been able to maintain a long term relationship with my wife. We are now perceived as lesbian but that is ok too and she has accepted that. Buy the way at 31 you are a lot younger than the 63 i was when i started to transition. I say this to say there isn't a great rush.

Hope to see you around the rooms. Please take a moment to read the terms and conditions at the bottom of any page and enjoy Laura's.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Gabe,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.
We have FTM meetings -Mon & Fri 8pm est, and you are welcome to attend.
We all look forward to seeing you.
vanna