Another Girl Problem

[Guest leo]

i know i said i wouldnt date untill i transition

but the more i say that the more i fall for girls

well the night i had a fight with my parents about me being trans i walked out my house and a friend who used to be a teacher at my school (still is i just finished school now) let me crash at hers for the night

we had been catching up a few days before and iv always fancied her when i knew her as a teacher anyway, but i do even more now,

anyway she asked if i wanted to out out for drinks i said yes, she knows im trans and the difficulties iv been having etc

i was shocked she let me sleep at her house but i didnt have anywhere else to go,we aregoing cinema this sunday but im not sure whether to say anything

she has just come out of a bad relationship and shes also like 26 and im 18, i wona tell her how i feel but dont wona ruin our relationship

help or advice anyone?

and any simular stories would be cool to listen to

[Sally]

Leo,

This has the potential to turn out very badly for you.

It is not the age difference that poses this problem, it is more a matter of timing.

The timing on her part is bad, just coming out of a bad relationship she is feeling very alone and vunerable. She saw you in need and offered to help, her feelings right now are unknown to you but remember that she is very lonely and unsure. The first relationship right after a break up seldom survives.

The timing on your part could not be worse, you are angry with your parents and feeling all alone in the world so someone offers you their friendship and a place to sleep and you assume a much deeper interest in you. She might have offered you her friendship just out of a kind heart and generous spirit.

It is way to soon to assume that she is anything more than a friend, don't do anything that would effect that status. Any romantic talk right now just might frighten her because of the previous relationship. If she continues to show this much interest in you for a sustained period (definately more than just one weekend) then evaluate how you feel and talk to her then. If you jump into too quickly you could lose a good friend - if you wait you can talk and if she doesn't have the same feelings you might still be able to keep her as a friend.

I know that isn't what you wanted to hear, but it is what you think or you wouldn't have asked.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Evan_J]

playa playa lol

No, I'm not makin light of your problem, I'm just sayin....

Anyhow, truthfully, what I think is take it slow and when you're sure you can bring it up (ie you've gotten enought signals) do. You're 18, that means you can start acting like a big boy and bring up the things you want to talk about in words. Your goal is protecting the friendship, say that. Let her tell you if she can explore the other aspects without that being in jeopardy. Yes, there's a chance she might think she can do both and in the end, after the fact, the "something else" mess up the friendship but you took the time to try to sidestep one if you can. Besides, there's no guarantee you'll stay friends if you don't pursue the other aspect either; sometimes the unsatisfied tension can come between two "friends" too. Nothing ventured nothing gained. My friend in rl is still very good friends with an ex teacher from college that they were intimate with. There's nothing that says you can't be.

It is true she's just coming out of a relationship, and as Sally said, rarely is what you do right then going to evolve into "the long term relationship" -know that going in. Are you hoping to fall in love and live happily ever after? Not a lot of indicators this'll be the one. Or is it that you just want the two of you to stay friends but be able to interact with one another on a physical level while you're each going through some things? (ie comfort through sex but basically still friends) That one can work, but requires a lot of honesty and maturity on both parts. (You have to be able to let her go on a sexual level and deal when she says "this isn't a good idea anymore")

As far as "are you misreading her"? Like I said, wait to see what the signals look like. Personally, almost all of the times I've thought there was "something there" there was. Of course you'll have one or two instances where you can be rushing to your decision but really 99 times out of a 100 I found out I was seein what I was seein. And I'm hopin thats true for most peeps. Um (chuckles) you kinda sound like you have a fair amount of success in the lady department. So I'ma go with the notion that your instincts are pretty good as a young hunter lol. Just take your time. Be subtle. Move on her subtly. Feel her out. Does she move when you're overly close? If you were going to reach around her for an item that would cause you to be overly close or if you moved through a doorway close to her and touched the small of her back (like a man may do to say "excuse me") what does she do?

[Guest Elizabeth K]

With the grain - against the grain - dunno

My advice is to play it cool and just be the good friends you might turn out to be. If something serious happens and you went too fast, it will blow up in your face. At age 18 there is a real newness to relationships. At age 26, she's been in relationships and knows whats what. She will probably think you are more mature than you really are - so fool her and be as cool as she expects you to be. If something is there between you - wait it out - it will come.

Just an opinion

Elizabeth

[Guest bronx]

Leo-

I don't think now is the time for you to be thinking about a relationship, I think you have some work to do that involves taking care of Leo. I think this woman just wants to help you out and be there for you, And like Sally said she just got out of something and she's probably lonely so if so, then your helping her as well. Take this from a guy that's been with his fair share of females when I tell you not every girl that's kind to you is a potential girlfriend. It's nice to have a friend every now and then it lasts longer.

Good Luck, and take care of Leo.

[Guest Zabrak]

OK - I'm not trying to sound cold here but both of you are going through some tough times. I think you could both use eachother for comfort. Dating is somewhere YOU DONT WANNA GO YET. Don't move to quickly. Dating can add more stress to a already stressed Leo. Please take care of yourself and enjoy your friend before you make it anything else.

[Guest leo]

wow mixed responces!

ill try reply to all the responces on the whole,

a little bit of what everyone has said is true, ye evan it would seem a lot of girls are into me but rarely goes further then that, i always screw it up some how and then it never goes anyway, i think i rush things to much

i know im young but doesnt mean i dont want to be loved, iv been so lonely in all aspects of life and its great to find a friend who isnt in the flesh not just on the internet

i know what you mean about why she helped me out, for the most part she let me stay else i would of slept on the streets and in that case shes almost forced to help me out, and i shouldnt confuse that with anything.

but on my part i have fancied her in the past while i was at school, and when we got back in contact it brought it all back. but i no that friendship is more important and ill try not to mess that up

on the final note but a teenager sucks, sometimes i find it hard to regconise the difference between someone i want sexually and someone i want to seriously love, big boy downstairs is always on the go and on the look out, so i gotta work out who i want sexually and who i want on more of a deeper level

[Guest leo]

iv seen enough signs now

shes gone the opposite way now, not talking to me online, and when i offer to see her shes like nahhhhh

also shes "married" to someone on facebook all of a sudden

but yeh whatever this always happens to me

to be fair i am kind of a loser, so im not suprised girls don't really want much to do with me

[Guest bronx]

Leo-

Don't ever think of yourself as a loser, cause your not. She's just not the one for you. You're young and trust me there will be girls in your life, lots of them. I can tell you that when I was around 18 or so I felt the same way. i couldn't get a girl to save my life. Then all of a sudden things changed, I don't know if i changed or what. I was a skinny little something. 5foot 2inches and I weighed 104lbs. And to top it off I was a little strange in their eyes. As time went on I started to care less about a girl and I got more caought up in myself that's when they started to have intrest in me. Have fun Leo and like I said take care of Leo and the rest will take care of it self.

[Sally]

Leo,

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but I have found in life that even the worst things seem to happen for a reason and sometime when you look back, most are for the better.

You are not a loser, you are a very strong and determined young man. Bronx is right when you are looking for a girl they know it and run for cover. When you aren't lookingthey will come and talk, then one will discover how great you really are and things will seem so much brighter.

When I was trying so hard to conform to my 'guy role' in society whenever I was looking for someone, i never found anybody - when I got interested in something else I would find somebody and then all of the girls would start to notice me. Even clerks at the grocery stores who hadn't even known that I was alive, just a handful of cash, would start to chat and sometimes actually flirt.

Desperation is not the correct cologne to wear. You are still very young and there will be so many others.

Remember what we said about passing - attitude, if you believe that you are a man, so will everyone else - so if you believe that you are a loser - well you just don't want to project that image do you?

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest leo]

life is really hard atm

i have to keep switching between roles which really dont help

i know im a guy but i think a lot fo people dont see me like that,

makes me want to go uni even more so i can start a fresh as Leo and only Leo

i hope i find someone in the future i know i will

its just no more then ever i need someone, iv never felt this lonely before

[Guest bronx]

Leo-

I know how you feel, I've been there and at times it can get really hard. You kinda remind me of myself when I was young and trying to figure life out. I don't think we ever truelly figure life out I think we learn to move around a little easier at times but life is challenging and always will be.

One thing I have learned after 37yrs is that I must take care of me. I must be good to Angel, I must love Angel, and I must be comfortable with just being with Angel. Because if i don't how do I expect anyone to Love Angel, and be there for Angel. That's why I keep telling you in your posts to take care of you, Leo.

I also know at times we tend to say that we need people, as far as in relationships, but the truth is you want someone to share your life with. It's a big diffrence between want and need. I say this becaouse too often people get this confused and end up in unhealthy relatinships, or they settle because they think that they need someone. I wish someone had told me this when I was younger, it would have saved a lot of drama in my life.

As for living a double life, well I can only tell you to be you as much as you can. Just stay true to Leo. I know that you live with your parents and it sucks, but trust me keep posting how you feel and what your going through and I will help you as much as I can. I feel as though your the little brother I never had.

One love,

Angel

[Guest leo]

thanks bronx,

deep down i know your right to be honest

but im glad i know everyone here at laura's is here for me and that means more to me then anything

[Guest Evan_J]

He's right Leo, you do have to be able to be alone with you. For yourself. For the wellbeing of your life. Shoot, even to satisfy the gender therapist. (Yeah, they'll ask you about that when you start talking if you sound like "I can't be by myself, I need to be with someone in a relationship to be whole") Besides, as your brother told you, if you "need" someone to be there its a longrunning drama of nutcase scenarios and nutcase women. Skip it. Much easier to learn you and how to be ok with you. PLUS, once you don't need em anymore they all want you

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Nawwwww

Leo

Thinking you are a loser, that's for losers!

Baby - you are a winner and a keeper - and you gonna get there, baby - you are on your waaaaaay

We loves you!

[Guest leo]

im happy that im friends with her though

better that then nothing