Hi Everyone

[Guest Little Sara]

My name is Sara, and I'm 26 years old, at least that's what my birth records and stuff will say. I have two personalities, one a child and one adult. The child one is the core persona, the adult one is a coping mechanism. So I should say I'm really 8, just not legally (since I'm not underaged legally).

I'm the first of four children in my family, and now live with the two youngest. They've had no real trouble accepting me, though they probably don't care about the details of my transition. My mother's been pretty accepting. My father is so-so, we stopped talking (I live with my mother).

I learned transition was possible at 22 and a half. I made moves towards it a year later, and started hormones shortly before turning 24. I went full-time at the same time as I started hormones (well, even a bit before), which attracted a bit of attention. I learned of intersex conditions around the same time I started taking hormones. One condition I highly suspect is Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome. I didn't have the most obvious marker (gynecomastia), I no doubt had the second marker (infertility), but it never warranted a doctor to look for anything. Ah, doctors...I could write a book on their god-syndrome-like ways of telling me something is impossible, when its clearly possible. I never tried to conceive or required any such-related services, so my infertility was a moot point.

As a child I wasn't particularly feminine or masculine, though my mannerism was feminine (body language), this wasn't something I even knew about. I played with boys, well, sometimes I did, when they didn't want to beat me up, or play stupid games. I didn't make any friends, but made many bullies over the years. Over time, my whole extended family came to expect me to come out as gay to them. Transitioning was a shock to many (not all) of them though, and I cut off half my extended family (my father's side), I barely see or hear from them anymore. I didn't know about my body language really. It's people who would tell me after-the-fact that made me aware of it.

Puberty came pretty late, and, besides acne (which is now gone)...left very little. I'm short, skinny, a small skeletal build, a slight drop in voice (my voice is at worst confusing, and that's if the person doesn't see me face to face), slight facial hair very late, no armpit, chest, back hair. I was very lucky for that, even if I didn't know it actually would play in my favor until I was around 24. My first endocrinology lab revealed normal levels testosterone for an adult male (and normal pituiary levels). But my physiology revealed very sub-par puberty results with much of my body being stuck in Tanner IV (around 13 years old male puberty-wise). This is why I think AIS grade 1 seems likely (normal male genitals at birth, delayed and evidently much more 'absent' puberty).

It wasn't investigated because AIS is relatively unknown (as are most intersex conditions), lazyness on the part of doctors (oh you didn't develop C cups without HRT, you can't have an intersex condition, hence I'm not going to waste 5 minutes reading about it), not being seen by any family doctor between 9 and 22 (no annuals either), because I was thought of as 'healthy' by my mom, and a shortage of family docs. Now I'm not sure its even possible to investigate it. I'd love to know if it was possible and how. AISSG is relatively unhelpful to male-assigned people (no support group), regardless of what they identify and live as.

Hmm, why I got two personalities. The coping one developed at around 8-9 years old, well probably earlier, but I can't really say. It took over about when I reached 11 years old. And had full control until around 22-23. As a result, the core persona has remained a child. It was a reaction against the constant bullying and harassment I got in school and at home (in the neighborhood, since my parents were fairly tolerant).

I cross-dressed all of two times, at 16. My mother had left some extra clothes in my closet, since it was underused by me. There was two swimsuits, a couple dresses, coats, her wedding dress, and other stuff. I tried on a swimsuit, and a satin dress. I didn't like it, and stopped wearing them. I had figured it before too: clothes won't help me be a girl in public, be able to live as one. Having no sisters, the temptation also wasn't there and the jealousy and envy controllable. It also helped that my style didn't mix well with most people's, finding clothes I liked would have been too bothersome (I prefer a cute style a la Lolita Fashion - the Japanese street fashion, my mother had none resembling this).

I was also essentially asexual, I didn't know who I would love, but had no desire to have sex. Having no access to likes and dislikes (core persona's domain) I didn't know who to look for love. HRT gave me a slight libido, and since my core persona is now back and there to stay (won't be repressed like she was before), I know my likes and dislikes.

I hope this isn't a too long intro.

Little Sara (incidentally, my younger persona's name for herself)

[MaryEllen]

Hello Sara,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Come on in and get comfortable and thank you for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen

[Guest Felicia Anne]

hello sarah! welcome to the forums!

would you like some milk and cookies? i made them myself... well, the cookies part. i am not a cow.

(feeling slightly silly and embarassed...)

[Sally]

Hey Little Sara,

You have come to the right place.

I'm going to do something that at first wil seem strange and a bit childish, but stay with me.

Have a seat by the fire, I've saved you a very comfy over stuffed easy chair, have a cup of cocoa and some fresh baked cookies. Oh, I see that Felicia Anne has already brought you some cookies. That seems silly doesn't it - there aren't any cookies coming out of your computer.

The food and fire are virtual, the love, warmth and caring are real.

You see, not crazy just friendly.

Feel free to ask questions, explore all of the forums and offer opinions, you are part of the family now so make yourself at home.

It won't be long before others find you and want to welcome yo as well.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest jaime_lynn]

Welcome Little Sara,

I am new here myself, but have found a great deal of information and such warm friendly people.

Hugs,

Jaime Lynn

[Guest Zabrak]

Its good to see a nice long introduction! I enjoy reading peoples posts about their lifes - although I don't always have a long answer for them. So I just wanted to say welcome to Laura's Playground. You'll find lots of accepting and supportive people here if you need any help.

[Guest Irielle]

Hi Little Sara - Thank you for your nice introduction. You will meet many wonderful people here and gets lots of cookies too!

Irielle

[Guest Faerie Princess]

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Please feel free to ask questions. We can always try to give an answer.

Faerie Princess

[Guest Little Sara]

Hey Little Sara,

You have come to the right place.

I'm going to do something that at first wil seem strange and a bit childish, but stay with me.

Have a seat by the fire, I've saved you a very comfy over stuffed easy chair, have a cup of cocoa and some fresh baked cookies. Oh, I see that Felicia Anne has already brought you some cookies. That seems silly doesn't it - there aren't any cookies coming out of your computer.

The food and fire are virtual, the love, warmth and caring are real.

You see, not crazy just friendly.

Feel free to ask questions, explore all of the forums and offer opinions, you are part of the family now so make yourself at home.

It won't be long before others find you and want to welcome yo as well.

Love ya,

Sally

Thanks for the welcome everyone.

And I don't find it childish at all Sally. Thank you for the cocoa and cookies, my favorites.

*sits in the chair and wraps her blanket around herself*

*slowly sips her cocoa while nibbling on her cookies*

I haven't had a fireplace in a long time. It always feels nice.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Well, Good morning, Little Sara!

I just got here .....so ....

My name's Donna Jean and I'd also like to welcome you to The Playground. Aren't there some really wonderful people here in the forums. If you've been to other sites you might be supprised just how friendly and safe it is here! Hon, lots of good folks work real hard to make it this way!

I'm sure that you'll get your share of compassion, love, understanding and don't forget...fun!

Now let's throw a log on that fire this morning and freshen up that coco, ok?.....good.

It's so nice to have you here.....

XXOO

Donna Jean

[Guest Magan]

Hiyas Little Sara

Welcome to the forums!

[Guest Emily.SoCal]

My name is Sara, and I'm 26 years old, at least that's what my birth records and stuff will say. I have two personalities, one a child and one adult. The child one is the core persona, the adult one is a coping mechanism. So I should say I'm really 8, just not legally (since I'm not underaged legally).

I'm the first of four children in my family, and now live with the two youngest. They've had no real trouble accepting me, though they probably don't care about the details of my transition. My mother's been pretty accepting. My father is so-so, we stopped talking (I live with my mother).

I learned transition was possible at 22 and a half. I made moves towards it a year later, and started hormones shortly before turning 24. I went full-time at the same time as I started hormones (well, even a bit before), which attracted a bit of attention. I learned of intersex conditions around the same time I started taking hormones. One condition I highly suspect is Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome. I didn't have the most obvious marker (gynecomastia), I no doubt had the second marker (infertility), but it never warranted a doctor to look for anything. Ah, doctors...I could write a book on their god-syndrome-like ways of telling me something is impossible, when its clearly possible. I never tried to conceive or required any such-related services, so my infertility was a moot point.

As a child I wasn't particularly feminine or masculine, though my mannerism was feminine (body language), this wasn't something I even knew about. I played with boys, well, sometimes I did, when they didn't want to beat me up, or play stupid games. I didn't make any friends, but made many bullies over the years. Over time, my whole extended family came to expect me to come out as gay to them. Transitioning was a shock to many (not all) of them though, and I cut off half my extended family (my father's side), I barely see or hear from them anymore. I didn't know about my body language really. It's people who would tell me after-the-fact that made me aware of it.

Puberty came pretty late, and, besides acne (which is now gone)...left very little. I'm short, skinny, a small skeletal build, a slight drop in voice (my voice is at worst confusing, and that's if the person doesn't see me face to face), slight facial hair very late, no armpit, chest, back hair. I was very lucky for that, even if I didn't know it actually would play in my favor until I was around 24. My first endocrinology lab revealed normal levels testosterone for an adult male (and normal pituiary levels). But my physiology revealed very sub-par puberty results with much of my body being stuck in Tanner IV (around 13 years old male puberty-wise). This is why I think AIS grade 1 seems likely (normal male genitals at birth, delayed and evidently much more 'absent' puberty).

It wasn't investigated because AIS is relatively unknown (as are most intersex conditions), lazyness on the part of doctors (oh you didn't develop C cups without HRT, you can't have an intersex condition, hence I'm not going to waste 5 minutes reading about it), not being seen by any family doctor between 9 and 22 (no annuals either), because I was thought of as 'healthy' by my mom, and a shortage of family docs. Now I'm not sure its even possible to investigate it. I'd love to know if it was possible and how. AISSG is relatively unhelpful to male-assigned people (no support group), regardless of what they identify and live as.

Hmm, why I got two personalities. The coping one developed at around 8-9 years old, well probably earlier, but I can't really say. It took over about when I reached 11 years old. And had full control until around 22-23. As a result, the core persona has remained a child. It was a reaction against the constant bullying and harassment I got in school and at home (in the neighborhood, since my parents were fairly tolerant).

I cross-dressed all of two times, at 16. My mother had left some extra clothes in my closet, since it was underused by me. There was two swimsuits, a couple dresses, coats, her wedding dress, and other stuff. I tried on a swimsuit, and a satin dress. I didn't like it, and stopped wearing them. I had figured it before too: clothes won't help me be a girl in public, be able to live as one. Having no sisters, the temptation also wasn't there and the jealousy and envy controllable. It also helped that my style didn't mix well with most people's, finding clothes I liked would have been too bothersome (I prefer a cute style a la Lolita Fashion - the Japanese street fashion, my mother had none resembling this).

I was also essentially asexual, I didn't know who I would love, but had no desire to have sex. Having no access to likes and dislikes (core persona's domain) I didn't know who to look for love. HRT gave me a slight libido, and since my core persona is now back and there to stay (won't be repressed like she was before), I know my likes and dislikes.

I hope this isn't a too long intro.

Little Sara (incidentally, my younger persona's name for herself)

Sara,

I'm so happy you found these forums. You've definitely come to the right place. The guys and girls here are of such rich diversity and have been completely accepting in my experience. You know why? We all share things in common -- beyond gender dysphoria, or what have you. I'll give you an example. I don't admit this a lot and I struggle with it every day and always have, but I grew up an effeminate boy in an oppressive environment (bullied by peers and adults alike like you wouldn't believe... or maybe you would) and really stopped aging in a lot of ways during my youth. I often feel like a child, a teen and a little bit of an adult trapped in an adults body. And while each isn't its own personality, my personality is unstable and shifts suddenly from mode to mode. And I really feel like I have no idea what I'm doing being an adult and I barely get by. But I do get by. At 31 I even feel like I'm thriving a little.

I tell you this because I want you to know that you're not alone.

Welcome to the Playground.

Take care,

Emily

[Guest Little Sara]

I'm not surprised that any trans who had a not-so-easy childhood would feel not quite like an adult. I'm surprised many don't talk about it at all. I suppose the framework to 'bring it up' is rather awkward. I was pretty happy to find out about my own dual-persona, so I had to tell people (I've told many individually outside here).

[Guest Irielle]

My name is Sara, and I'm 26 years old, at least that's what my birth records and stuff will say. I have two personalities, one a child and one adult. The child one is the core persona, the adult one is a coping mechanism. So I should say I'm really 8, just not legally (since I'm not underaged legally).

Sara, I have been thinking about your post so came back to it again. I suspect most of us have a child and an adult within us. I know I do. I have two children, one male and one female, and then my adult who is the person I generally present to the world and is male and takes care of my children. I find that we all get along wonderfully and my boy and girl and adult share everything. My body might be a boy's but my gender is neither male nor female but both at the same time, more female actually than male. It makes life interesting to say the least. .

Hmm, why I got two personalities. The coping one developed at around 8-9 years old, well probably earlier, but I can't really say. It took over about when I reached 11 years old. And had full control until around 22-23. As a result, the core persona has remained a child. It was a reaction against the constant bullying and harassment I got in school and at home (in the neighborhood, since my parents were fairly tolerant).

I could be wrong about this but I think it's probably pretty common to develop some sort of coping mechanism at a young age. Especially for us with gender issues. It's a way of protecting ourselves but in no way do I think it's limited to just people with these issues. One thing I think is sad is that many people assume that this coping mechanism personality is who they really are, that this image they present to the world is their true self. They just lose their child inside and lose their real self and identity. I got teased a lot when I was young and called a girl and was told I have a girly body (which I do, as a matter of fact but now I'm glad lol ). I also got called 'Queerbait" constantly. I know I got protective of myself from things like that. I'm glad you kept yours alive and in touch.

I was also essentially asexual, I didn't know who I would love, but had no desire to have sex. Having no access to likes and dislikes (core persona's domain) I didn't know who to look for love. HRT gave me a slight libido, and since my core persona is now back and there to stay (won't be repressed like she was before), I know my likes and dislikes.

I'm really glad your core persona is back and if your experience is anything like mine it will be wonderful to get back in touch with your true self. I'm really glad your girl is back! Keep her close!

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Lil'Sara

I don't know how I missed you when you first posted. Sorry

I am Elizabeth and MTF myself - in transition - on HRT - and older, much older than you... but

Your story hits a note I hear clear as a bell. It seems many people first post and it just flows out - the responses are GREAT back to you BUT don't address a lot of what you say. People don't mean to be that way, they are just 'one topic at a time' types here at Laura's - and I think you see that after you have been here a while.

ME? Yikes - I write on and on and on... My replies seem to really get involved because so much hits home with me.... I was fascinated with the intersex possibilities, and always have wanted to know if I also had those tendancies because I matured so late. I essentially have no body hair and my breasts are not exactly what most men carry. But I turned out to NOT be sterile as I have three children. But two years ago my testosterone was so low that the endocrinologist put me on the patch (was that ever a mistake - made me crazy - but I wasn't aware I was transsexual then - but I got off of it IMMEDIATELY).

I suppose if I had AIS I wouldn't have been able to have children, and I am reacting well to my HRT - wow.

But I DID crossdress starting from about age 8. I had two sisters and grew up in a female dominated household. My dressing was to affirm my femaleness, not my feminine side. I didn't even know CD was supposedly an erotic stimulus and never knew about the M thing until I was 22. DUH - and I was a virgin my wedding night age 24. But my frame is different from yours as I grew up extremely skinny and tall - 140 and 6'3 in high school. I was 182 pounds at age 33, when my height weight ratio should have indicated a middle at 198. It really helped with my female presentation when I cross dressed.

Gay? No but people knew I was somehow 'different." Masculine or femine? Sorta in between - then I finally learned how to play-act male, and 'dumbed down' to be accepted (HOW 'bout those STEELERS last night, huh? Beat the crawdaddy outa them Cards!) Sooooo I thought I was a cross dresser - but the definition was way off... then I went into therapy.

I am a woman. I have always been female, am now, will always be.

I had two personalities, not a split personality says my therapist, more of a duel personality. On was what I called the "I" person, the other the "you" person. All my decisions were a discussion - 'I think you aught too..." and an answering. "You need to do what I would do..." It drove me NUTZ sometimes. I thought one might be my masculine side, and one was my feminine side. WRONG. I never have really had a masculine side, both were me... but like you said, one was rather simple but intuitive, the other overly complex and intellectural. OMG what a problem. My therapist says these were just manifestations caused by my need to live a dual life.

Now I have let the old me pretty much fade away. I am pretty well integrated with both the I and the you. So there is hope. What I really was surprised to find out, my name is Elizabeth now if you haven't figured it out, Elizabeth (Me) is really a strong woman. I am so glad because I thought the female me was going to be the weak one and the male me was going to be the strong one. Actually it turned out there never WAS a male me. That is so comforting. I can integrate with no hesitation. I have integrated - I am Elizabeth - end of discussion.

I hope that helped somehow... I doubt you really have two personalities, more like two sides to the same personality - one is the chilhood girl that was so beat up by society, and the other is the 'new you' who is building on top of that girl and becoming a woman.

I told my therapist my first session I was a girl who had to grow up in a male body. She said no - I am a woman, and I have a male body now, but that is optional.

WOW- SARA - welcome to LAURA"S Yeaaaaaaaaa

Lizzy

[Guest Little Sara]

I suppose if I had AIS I wouldn't have been able to have children, and I am reacting well to my HRT - wow.

Infertility is not guaranteed with AIS, but with tall and lower testosterone production, XXY syndrome seems a strong possibility. Many are fertile as well.

I'm still below my healthy weight. I'm at 110 lbs, for 5'6". In 10th grade is about when I reached 5'0" and 90 lbs. I was always small for my age.

Gay? No but people knew I was somehow 'different." Masculine or femine? Sorta in between - then I finally learned how to play-act male, and 'dumbed down' to be accepted (HOW 'bout those STEELERS last night, huh? Beat the crawdaddy outa them Cards!) Sooooo I thought I was a cross dresser - but the definition was way off... then I went into therapy.

I was never able to play-act male. I didn't know what it involved, and what few little things I knew masculinity involved were not my cup of tea. I was a hardcore videogame player and that made me seem a bit more masculine to some though. I used them to avoid thinking.

I hope that helped somehow... I doubt you really have two personalities, more like two sides to the same personality - one is the chilhood girl that was so beat up by society, and the other is the 'new you' who is building on top of that girl and becoming a woman.

They are different enough that they are not merged. They really are distinct. I have a high level of co-consciousness, which is a term meaning alters share vision and can share thoughts and communicate. Some might say its not split personalities, but you don't need to black out and have memory losses for it to be, either. My state of mind would not qualify for a DSM diagnosis (requires those black-outs and memory losses), but I don't want it treated either, so that's fine.

Little Sara really has rather childish and extremely feminine tastes. Lolita fashion, especially sweet lolita is something she likes.

This is an example:

http://s12.photobucket.com/albums/a213/Sar...nt=Photo056.jpg

[Guest Little Sara]

One thing I think is sad is that many people assume that this coping mechanism personality is who they really are, that this image they present to the world is their true self. They just lose their child inside and lose their real self and identity. I got teased a lot when I was young and called a girl and was told I have a girly body (which I do, as a matter of fact but now I'm glad lol ). I also got called 'Queerbait" constantly. I know I got protective of myself from things like that. I'm glad you kept yours alive and in touch.

I did assume it was "who I really was", but it didn't make sense. It only made sense when she re-emerged. She did "show" through me. My coping persona was emotionless, but still had the body language of the original persona (unbeknowst to her), and at some point, I forced my adult persona to grow her hair out (while presenting as male).

Which gave something like this as a result:

(2005)

http://s12.photobucket.com/albums/a213/Sar...nt=IMG_0738.jpg

(2006, shortly after going full-time and HRT)

http://s12.photobucket.com/albums/a213/Sar...nt=100_0079.jpg

I always loved long hair, my adult persona had no likes and dislikes. I managed to make her grow it very long, and defend it vehemently against would-be cutters who wanted to "make a man out of me", by threatening anyone who would ever touch my hair with scissors without consent, with death (it was that important to me, though I doubt I would have killed anyone).

My body was (and still is) pretty feminine looking, but more teenage-ish than adult. Probably part of why I'm still seen as a teenage girl nowadays (not that I mind lol).

[Guest Amanda L Richards]

Hi Little Sara,

Welcome to the forum. Never worry about talking too much. This was a fine intro, and you were just letting your heart talk for you.

Talking around here is encouraged with love and kindness. The time people start worrying is when someone isn't talking. then there is something bothering you. Everyone knows that if you keep things bottled up inside they will eventually hurt you. So I would say it is far better to have someone say shut up already, then to let it build up inside, although I have never seen anyone say shut up already here

Let your heart talk all it wants and eventually it will start to sing, Trust me it will happen.

Elizabeth! never worry that you are saying too much, at least I know that when you talk, I am "riveted" with interest in what you have to say

Oh! and Little Sara, that is another thing. I have found that the moderators here, especially Donna Jean, Elizabeth, Mia, Sally and anyone else that I missed, (I am sorry) are very wise and really do help when you go to them, many a times I have felt off balance and they have helped put me back on track.

So just take it easy and let yourself relax and move to your hearts desire here, we are here to share our hurts and happiness with you when you would like.

Talk to you soon,

Luv

Amanda LR