Issues with Family

[Guest deadking]

I recently had a bit of an argument with my mom asking her to tell the rest of my family about being trans, which I guess they apparently all already did - which lead to her going on about how they're all fully supportive of me and have 'always known' that I was trans and have no problem with it - but she / they still refuse(s) to call me male pronouns?

I don't get it, it's already been a few months since I came out to her, and I know that if this were such a sudden unknown thing would take more time, but she uses the 'you're not a boy until you start the whole hormone replacement thing' excuse, but then pulls stuff like 'we're all supportive and accepting of it and have known for a long time'

I've linked her to Laura's Playground so she can looks at the parent section and offered to send her resources, but still pulls this sort of thing and says 'i'm so done with you' afterwards,

eughfd I don't know what to do, other than search for some gender therapists so we can go together, anyone have any advice otherwise?

- Ty

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Well, my family didn't start calling me she, or even Sarah untill I actually started presenting as such. Just because they aren't using the proper pronouns yet does not mean they aren't supportive, this is still very hard on our loved ones even if they are completely supportive. It just takes a little patience.

Hugs,

Sarah

[Guest angels wings]

It takes quite a while for parents and loved ones to use the right pronouns . This does not mean they don't care or don't accept you they just need time to adapt and to break the habit of addressing you how they have all your life . This is a major change and patience and time will slowly work it's magic .try and be patient know in your heart they are doing their best the rest will flow with time .

Angel

[JJ]

My daughter and I went through the same thing with pronouns. I needed the affirmation from her and pushed her on it. But she needed the time to adjust and found it hard and painful. Also embarassing in public. On that one I finally asked what was more important-my feelings or what some random stranger thought when she used what seemed like a wrong pronoun?

In retrospect I think I let my need push me to fail to consider her feelings and in the long run it tool her longer to accept and start using proper pronouns than it would have had I not made an issue of it. We have had a lifetime to know and come to terms with this and when we do we want everyone else to get it and come to terms too even though they have not had the time to do so. It takes months and years for those who love us best to really come to terms. It isn't as simple or easy as wanting to be supportive and accepting and then being able to do it. But when they do accept and support in time they do come around. They deal with their loss and grief and pain and accept us.

The main thing is to keep communication open and maintain respect and love. This is your problem and when you discuss it with them you need to reflect that. To say things in terms of "It makes me feel bad when I hear female pronouns used" or "It hurts me to hear the female pronouns" rather than "You hurt me when you use female pronouns" or "Why can't you respect me enough to use the right pronouns?" etc. There is a world of difference in the reaction you will get when you take ownership of the problem rather than making them the villain and attacking them. There are times and situations-like when discussing a problem like this-where it is actually much better to start off with I sentences rather than You sentences. When you say you are hurt and need help with it you have a good chance of eliciting help in some way. When you tell someone they hurt you you usually get defensiveness.

In time it will work out and they will come around.

Johnny

[Guest Strong]

Don't know if this helps or not. I'm still very early in the transition. when asked what to call me just asked to be called by name leaving pronouns out as much as possible or to use very general terms like with my mother, " This is my child". I try to be open minded as much as possible. I hope this might help a little

[Guest barton]

These things can be pretty slow. I came out to my family about a year and a half ago and they were all supportive. But back then, pretty much no one used the right name or pronouns. They've only recently started using my name consistently. There are still slip ups here and there, and a lot of the little ones still refer to me by an old nickname that is as feminine as can be. And only about half of them use the correct pronouns half the time. Really, my sisters are the only ones who are pretty consistent with those.

It's annoying as can be, but I try not to hold it against them. They're trying and it is slowly getting better. All I can do is gently prod them in the right direction and let them get there on their own time.

Your family could very well be supportive of you, but they may just need time to accept and wrap their head around the concept. Once they've gotten there, they can start working on the vocab.