How to start a transition?

[Guest xJasonx]

Hey everyone,

So I'm pretty new here, I basically made an account to just ask this question but who knows where the site takes me. Sorry if it's really long.

Well, I basically have the same childhood story as any guy here, I'm 16 now and will be a senior in high school next year. Thing is, when i moved in grade 5 I started to not be accepted much in middle school for how i dressed, I still had long hair since my mom wouldn't let me cut it, but it was just you know, middle part, not much effort into it. So as i got into grade 7 I started changing to be accepted, shopping in the girls section trying to get a more feminine style, started wearing make up and got side bangs and stuff so now that I'm here in the present I just look like any other girl. Recently I decided that doing a full transition with hormones and everything would be the only way I'd be happy in life, and I'd wanna get started before university, maybe start a semester late so I could pass once I got there and basically get my life started for real.

So, the thing is for me... I look like a girl, maybe don't act like one, but nobody suspects anything. My parents are NOT understanding and I wouldn't want to tell them yet about it for a while, because unless I had the diagnosis and everything they would just try to make me want to be a girl. I'm going to start a job hopefully soonish so i can afford a psychologist near me and start going there. But my question is, how do I make the transition as unnoticed as possible? I hate sticking out in a crowd or having people stare at me, it's a bad trait but i do care what people think and I just want to be normal, I don't want to be looked at weird, which I guess is inevitable if I'm going to do this, but from where I am now.... Like I don't think i can cut all my hair off and just start shopping in the guys section. How can I go unnoticed as possible? Only my best friend knows as of last weekend, so I'm pretty much totally closeted. How do I even begin to do this??

Thanks in advance for any advice

[Drea]

A few thoughts...

Often coming out is considered a first step. Many folks do in fact come out as a first step. After all it doesn't cost money and all one has to do is find the courage. SInce you are 16, some may very well suggest you tell your parents so you can get to a therapist and get on hormones.

BUT, before coming out to people, particularly your family/parents please consider...

- Coming out can not be taken back.

- There is no guarantees as to how they will react

- Coming out piecemeal is risky if you are considering telling just one or two people. Since you don't know how they will react and you now have given a juicy piece of gossip, there is a fair chance it will spread in ways never intended.

- Acceptance when coming out can be enhanced by having a diagnosis so it isn't just you saying so. A therapist also can provide guidance on how to come out. This means see a therapist first, but this is a problem if you are only 16. It is therefore a catch 22.

- How well you are accepted when coming out can also be greatly influenced by the way you come out, your understanding of yourself, your own self confidence and how you present the issue. Spending time to prepare can have great payoffs so be careful not to let some short term pressure or impulse to blurt it out to cause you to make the leap to coming out unprepared.

In my view, the best first step is to get to a therapist. At 16 years old, this is hard without coming out, but perhaps, if you are depressed, you can get to see one based upon the depression or whatever symptoms the gender issues cause without expressing what you think is causing it and reserving that to discuss in therapy.

If you can't get to a therapist. It is always possible to make some changes in presentation more to your liking, work on voice if needed (yes FTM can improve voice even without hormones).

[Guest washougal]

Hi,

Evenone's situation is different and unique, but for me the first step in transitioning was to wear the clothes that i wanted to. I have worn male clothes for a long time, but basically just wore baggy t shirts and boys jeans all the time. when it came time for graduation from high school etc my folks really wanted me to wear femanine clothes for events where i needed to wear somethign nicer than blue jeans. Needless to say i held fast on my no skirts, no dresses, no see through clothes and no skin at the waist or below the collarbone rules, but i ended up with womens pants and blouses that i had to wear for all the various functions i had to do to. My folks also made me take these clothes to college and i actually wore them the first week or so until i realized that the prof really didn't care what you wore as long as you didn't have on anythign offensive or really skimpy. Their respect came with how you acted and how much effort you put into their class. After that i went to target and k mart and got myself some cheap mens khaki pants and button down shirts and tried to find some of my nicer looking and better fitting t-shirts to wear.

My next step was to cut my hair shorter, not a buzz cut just a regular medium length guys cut. Mind you i did this when i wouldn't be heading home for five months so it would have time to grow out at least a little before they saw me. Like you i had always had long hair as a kid, but always chose to basically ignore it other than ripping a comb through it every day (or two ro three to be totally honest).

I guess i should also mention that i never wore makeup, jewelry etc. but not doing those things anymore or changing how much makeup etc might be another place to start.

Now that i am living at home again my transition has sort of stalled for now, but i am more comfortable in my body than i was previously because of the small changes i have made to how i present myself.

If you are worreid about people reacting to you changing then i would suggest starting with small steps like i did. Maybe reduce the makeup and wear your hair natural again. One thing i have done to deal with long hair is to put it in a pny tail and then hide the pony tail up under a baseball hat (this would probably only work for someone with straight hair though as even with straight hair you have to learn how to flip the hir up properly so that it doesn't make the hat bulg weirdlt or stick out the sides. You could also start wearing more androgenous clothing. If you aren't comfortable shopping in the mens section yet try looking in the women's section for solid colored t-shirts with regular sleeves (not the weird half sleeves that many womens shirts have that dont cover your shoulders. Get some jeans (or whatever pants you prefer) that are fairly plain (no acid wash, designs sewn on etc) and that have a wider leg as tight pants and skinny legged pants are viewed as femanine wether they are worn by a man or a woman. These things wouldn't make you stick out and would be one way to ease into a new style of dress that would make you pass more easily if you decide to medically transition or do a full social transition without any hormones/surgery.

Also remember that if you choose to socially transition to a presenting fully as male than no one will think you look wierd because the majority of people will just think you are a guy, so your clothes, mannerisms etc wont stand out at all.

hopefully some others can give you some advice on other aspects of transition.

-washougal