A Long And Complicated Hello/request For Help

[Guest JoanDS]

Hello, everyone!

My name is Joan. I am 35 years old, and I am quite overwhelmed by everything going on in my life right now.

But before I write everyone's ear off, I want to say thank you to everyone here.

I have been lurking on this site for a day or two now, casing the joint, as it were, to make sure I was not putting my (temporarily) very fragile self on the line with a bunch of heartless, mean, or insensitive people. I have found quite the opposite! I have been moved to tears (in a good way) multiple times over what I have read here. So before I partake of your remarkable and loving hospitality, I wanted to thank Laura, all of the moderators and all of the members for taking the time and incredible psychic energy to make this such a wonderfully welcoming place. Thank you.

OK. So. Me...

At the moment I am going through a divorce from my second-wife with whom I am still friends. We had an Open Marriage, and while everyone thought it would never work because of that, it was never the problem. She was too young when I married her, plus she has a problem with my Woman and I have a problem with her drug-abuse, we lost trust and drifted apart. I am currently giving her half of my paycheck, and while I make good money, I am now stuck with a mortgage on a huge house I bought for her, and a huge heating bill for it, and a huge alimony payment and am, obviously, without her income to assist me with this 150 year old giant haunted house.. I am now without cable and home-phone, have turned my heat down to 55, and mostly live in the dark eating $3 frozen dinners. I know lots of people have it hard, and I am not complaining, as I have been Blessed with a the ability to make a good living for most of my life, I am simply trying to give some context for my situation. I am now sitting in this giant, cold, dark, spooky house I never wanted, all alone- and it sucks.

I am an only child and was very much a loner until my teens. I had no siblings or cousins my age and only had one friend from the time I was 6 until I was around 12-13. His name was Tommy and I loved him as more than a friend, but I don't think he ever knew that.

As a male, I was always been bisexual, a fact I have been much more open about than my dressing. Not like totally out, but I don't think I ever lied when asked the direct question

Approximately 3/4 of my partners have been female, and 1/4 male (and one androgyne, with whom I have a deep friendship and occasional romance, but more about that later). I don't know why or if that matters, but I feel compelled to mention it.

I was, at various times and by various people, sexually, physically, and emotionally abused and neglected. I also grew up poor, on the wrong side of tracks, raised by a single, working mother. Yet despite that, my male has grown to be a very successful career-man in a highly technical and competitive field- speaking at national conferences and such. I come up with last-minute, desperate solutions to impossible problems created by other people, and I do it day in and day-out.

I have every email have sent or received for the last 7 years at my company, because I have nothing to hide, and am willing to stand-behind or apologize for every word I have ever said there. Because I was always proud of being professional.

I now feel that everything I/he has done is fake, meaningless and soul-sickening, however, I seriously need the money and have no idea what else I could do, especially in these hard times. It also makes me tremendously sad that everything I worked so hard to do and to be feels like it has washed away in a few short weeks. I almost quit my job today, and had to hold my breath and count to almost 100 in order to hold myself together.

I began dressing at the age of 10-11 and kept it extremely secret until I was in my early 20's. To this day, there are only 4 people I have ever told, and 2 of them I consider to be big mistakes. They were mean. They were hurtful, and I still feel that pain to this day and it has made me more hidden, fearful and insecure than I was before, and those feelings were not insubstantial to begin with.

I always felt like I was a few people. One, a little boy/girl who never grew up and doesn't want to. Another a girl/woman who has grown. Another who was a very strong and witty man, my protector, the self that could handle any situation- but I lost him along the way, when I was a teenager and when I try to find him now, in times of trouble, he is gone. And finally, this shell of a man I have put on for many, many years.

In the last few weeks, my male shell has broken down, leaving me feeling extremely confused, sad, angry, overwhelmed, and also free and sometimes (occasionally) happy. I am presently quite a mess. By way of example: my boss reprimanded me today (something that has happened only 2 or 3 times in my 12-year career) and I almost quit on the spot. That was _never_ the kind of person I was. Thank God(any God) I didn't obey my instinct. I can get through it, but my heart is no longer in my job, I and now feel like a fraud there, and this makes me very sad.

My male-shell is/was a pretty nice guy. While presenting as a very masculine, sort-of bikerish guy, people who know him well eventually realize he's quite effeminate, very sensitive (t.v. commercials often make him cry) and while very tough and commanding and sometimes confrontational _at_work_ he is mostly a push-over everywhere else. Big Teddy-Bear. Loyal, good listener, yadda yadda.

So... I've had this friend for a long time. One of my oldest friends and occasional lover. (A bio-female, who identifies as androgynous) and one of the 4 people on Earth who knows that I dress, had been encouraging my dressing. Buying me adorable outfits and pajamas and socks and all sorts of make-up, etc.

At this point, I thought I was simply a very effeminate, occasional crossdresser. I had hidden away Joan for many years, and denied her existence, often even to myself, even though I knew she had been with me since I was at least 10, and maybe longer. I felt that she had been nothing but a problem, even though dressing as her, and fully being her brought me temporary moments of Joy, overall it caused me much pain and shame. Even though I had a very open mind about gender, sexual-orientation, and lifestyle choices, I felt deeply ashamed of my female self, even though I knew her to be a kind, sweet and loving soul.

One night, a few weeks ago, my friend had bought me a lovely outfit for my birthday, and and called me up (ze is currently a few thousand miles away, caring for zer family.) so I could open it up with zer 'there'. It was a lovely, lovely little set of matching PJs, socks, panties, etc. I was overjoyed, and felt a real sense of joy in my Woman's heart. I dressed up and continued to talk to my friend. Ze eventually asked if ze could talk to Joan. I very, very rarely ever use my female voice, and had only done it for zer once before. (My friend is very turned on by MTF _crossdressers_ and had said repeatedly that I made an extremely convincing woman, despite my facial/body hair and my very masculine body, ze said that my entire attitude, and my entire energy and my entire body-language became completely, convincingly female and ze thought it was very sexy, ze also liked the way I could dance and do a striptease). So I let myself BE Joan, and I spoke to zer with my female voice...

The conversation went on for hours and hours. Joan had Never spoken for so long, especially not to someone else!

By the end of the conversation, my dear friend had become completely freaked out.

She said, "Joan. You're not a crossdresser. You're a woman. You are not a man in a dress, and I cannot believe I didn't realize that until now."

I sobbed and sobbed, because I knew ze was right. And I desperately didn't want zer to be.

My friend was trying to be supportive, but ze was hurt and angry. Ze thought I had been hiding this from zer- thought I didn't trust zer. Ze was also mortified, because ze realized this made zer not attracted to me anymore, and ze felt horrible about it. Ze doesn't like _women_ ze likes men who dress like them from time to time. But ze felt like it shouldn't matter, but it did.

Anyway-

Despite the huge blow of my friend's reaction, I felt happy and free. I danced around my Scooby-Doo house, tried on all of my outfits, sang and danced and slept a great night's sleep in my pretty pink PJs.

Since that night- I am kind of in Hell.

Looking in the mirror sucks.

I was a handsome, if overweight, man. Not everyone's cup o' tea, but I never had any problems finding company either.

Now I am an Ugly woman.

Putting on my man clothes every day sucks.

Going to my man-job every day sucks.

Trying to hold myself together in my male dominated (95% male) high-stress, competitive, fighter-jock culture 60hr/week job SUCKS.

My beautiful Swiss watch that I saved so long for, that represented my hard work, and my profession (Engineer) suddenly feels like a ball and chain. That Sucks.

I suddenly feel like the job I have worked so hard and long for is meaningless. Sucks.

I feel like the sweet guy I was and that my friends knew is dead. And none of us even got to say goodbye. I feel bad that the poor SOB was probably some kind of lie. Su-u-u-ucks.

I wish I was crazy. I feel like crazy would be easier than this. I could just get taken away. But I'm like horribly, terrifyingly AWARE of all of this. That sucks too. Bigtime.

I am NOT suicidal. But I never, ever, ever even _thought_ about it before. Now the word has crossed my mind more times in a few weeks than it ever did in the last 35 years. I KNOW this is temporary, and I am and am and always will be a SURVIVOR, but I seriously hate my life right now and I have no idea what the heck to do about it.

This feels worse than abuse. This feels worse than my all my grandparents dying. Friends dying. This feels worse than being dumped 1000 times. And it just won't stop.

I'm depressed.

I'm managing. But I 'm so scared. I have no idea what to do.

I get up every morning and strap on my nasty clothes and go to my nasty job and associate with a bunch of nasty people who would ostracize me instantly and ruthlessly rip me up if they smelled a hint of weakness. People who respect me right now, but I know it's real thin ice.

I come home now and have to change out of those horrible clothes and into something girly Right Away. But then I sit here all fat and bearded and stop _feeling_ girly after a while. So I ask myself, well, do you want to put your man-clothes on? Heck No!! I scream and clutch my betty-boop sweatshirt (did I mention it's COLD in here?)

I don't know what the heck just happened to me.

I don't know who I am anymore.

I don't know how to cope with work anymore.

I don't how to relate to my Friends anymore.

I keep answering my phone in my female voice!

I don't think that's OK for me right now!

I don't know how to tell my therapist about this (have skipped therapy for a month now- I was going for divorce issues.)

I'm not exactly in crisis. I can _manage_. I have been through plenty of Hell in my life. I know it pretty well, and I know I can survive it, but...

What AM I???

What the heck just HAPPENED TO ME?

What can I do about it?

????

Thanks.

*sheepish grin*

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Joan Joan Joan

Hey - help is here, baby, help is here!

3:50 AM for me and I just found your post? OMG I have to get back to bed before the alarm clock goes off at 6:00 AM = RATS short reply when I want say so much - well, I guess the calvary wll be here soon when they start waking up. We moderators sorta get up in the middle of the night and get some of the postings read and okayd....

Yikes, you are hurting so bad!

I am 61- MTF - on HRT - working through a VERY rough time with my third wife who tonight just told me she is looking for someone else (I think it was to hurt me) - I JUST came out at work today - that was positive (whewwwwwwww) and I am a design professional - I lost my second wife when I confessed I had been cross dressing from age 8 - like you, I never knew for sure I was transsexual - I am and always will be female in mind and soul - I am working on this body (hee hee) and it is starting to come around - yeaaaaa

So that said - I am rather typical her for the MTF crew - except I am a bit older than most.

You will find that you have probably come home!

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

Stop lurking now! HAAAAAA

This IS a great site. You will fit right in. Wait until cookies and coco start coming your way.

I have one last thing (the floor is freezing! I am here in my nightgown, no slippers!)

You wrote - 'Now I am an Ugly woman.' BUZZZZT WRONG!!!

You are a child of God and a Beauuuuutiful woman - yeaaaaaaa.

So lets help each other - I am as likely to cry on your shoulder as you are to cry on mine. Being transsexual is HARD! We muddle through somehow - nope, I am not suicidal either - I thought - watch that... it can sneak up on you. YOU MUST POST or go on chat if that darkness gets too overpowering PROMISE? PROMISE? PROMISE?

Loves ya my beautiful Joan ---- welcome to Laura's!!!!!!!

[Guest Kelly Ann]

Hi Joan and welcome to Laura's Playground What are you...erm for a starter, how about amongst friends? THAT'S a step in the right direction with your best foot forward too. That's a very detailed intro and well...most of of us have had variations on the theme so realize you are not alone by any means...in fact there's LOTS of highly intelligent, caring people about. Just like YOU. It sounds like you are coming to grips with a lot and it's a little over-whelming when it all rushes in...you are using the right techniques though...take it in small steps and it's a lot easier even when you feel surrounded by adversity. We're here for you lady. Your new friend, Kelly Ann

[Guest Ashlee]

Hey Joan,

The BEST thing you did was to come here and introduce yourself. That alone probably felt good - didn't it. I know it did for me when I came here. Kinda like saying to the world, "This is me, this is how I am, and you know what, thats OK with me!"

I would suggest talking this over with your therapist, if they are not an expert on the subject, ask for a referal to one who does specialize.

You are amongst friends here. We are all here for you and will help you in any way we can.

Peace,

Ashlee

[Guest Donna Jean]

Oh.Joan!

My, you don't sound very happy for such a nice person!

Hon, I'm SO glad that you have found us and since you lurked around, you already know a little about us and now we know about you, too...

So, let me start off with a {{{HUGGG}}} before I hand you the hot coco......so we don't spill it!

And here's some cookies, too...you can wear your PJ's ..that makes it cozy..

We'll sit by the fire here and get all warm ...

Dear..your story is heartbreaking...some of us here share some of many parts of what you have told us..some a few..some a lot..

We have so many caring and loveing folks here that you will feel really welcomed and cared about!

That's what we do here..the stronger help the weeker and later the other way around...we all need a shoulder to cry on sometimes and someone to lend an ear and you'll find that here..A hand to hold sometimes...sometimes some fun..sometimes a tear..but, always love...

Honey..You've met Elizabeth and Kelly Ann and Ahslee....they'll be others around soon to say hello as the sun comes up...you'll see..

Get comfey, Hon...

XXOO

Donna Jean

[Guest JoanDS]

Thank you all so much!

I have to run to my hateful job now, but I will check back ASAP.

Thanks again!

Joan

[Guest Ashlee]

Thank you all so much!

I have to run to my hateful job now, but I will check back ASAP.

Thanks again!

Joan

See, I told you, your day is all ready a little brighter just by coming here!

Have a great day!

Ashlee

[Guest Zabrak]

Welcome to Laura's playground, Joan.

[Guest Kelly Ann]

Hi Joan...how'd it go today? It was loooong and the anoyed people lined up to throw testicles at my bullseye, in an attempt to send me into that cold, cold water below the platform. LOL..brrrrrrttt...didn't WORK. NYAH Nyah NyAH NYaH<giggle>sticks thumbs in ears and waves fingers while wiggling ears and arching eyebrows up and down...wrinkling her nose...suddenly the tounge comes out and yep...its a...BBbbRRRRRrtt (((raspberries)))...they didn't have a chance. The humanity this woman knows no mercy. DANG IT!!! I've pulled the seam out of another one of my favorite spandex tee shirts. I MUST be gaining weight..or ugh muscle. I am going to tone down the daily Victory Dance until such time as I don't render my garments in disarray. I hope this finds you in a little better spirits Joan...I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best...your strong and self reliant to be sure, you CAN do it girl...grab that brass ring Kelly Ann

[Guest JoanDS]

Thank you all SO MUCH for all of your love and support!

Elizabeth, Kelly Ann, Ashlee, Donna Jean, and Zabrack, thank you all so much for the hugs, the coco and the kind welcome.

And yes, Elizabeth, I PROMISE I'll post if gets too dark. Thank you. And I'm sorry about what your wife said That must be hard. {{HUG}}

My first-wife was a supreme emotional manipulator. She was also super-crazy-smart. (And also a little plain-old crazy due to severe childhood abuse) and she started to figure out my dressing stuff. Well over the course of a year, she steadily worked me over until I told her everything. Then she basically was like "Ah-ha. I knew you were a pervert! Jut like my father! All men are perverts!" And when I came home from work a few days later she was um... let us say orally engaged with a gentleman on our couch. In retrospect it was a great thing for me, because I would have let her continue to emotionally abuse me for a long time if she hadn't pulled that level of stunt. My second wife was also freaked out by my inner girl. I've had the wife-rejection twice, and I know it well, and it hurts really bad, here's another {{{HUG}}}!!!

Work stank, but not as bad as yesterday. It was crazy busy. My boss half-apologized for ripping into me yesterday for something that was completely not even related to me (a half-an-apology is all I can ever hope for from this guy). But I got a lot done, and I got some support from a work-friend of mine about my boss issues, so I guess I can't complain too much

I stopped at the w@l-m@rt on the way home and got myself a cute $10 top to cheer myself up- I needed retail therapy but am on quite a budget, I shouldn't have even spent the $10, but to heck with it, I needed a treat of some sort. Things have been so dark and cold and lonely.

My major concern right now is figuring out what just happened to me. Why did my entire attitude and emotions shift so FAST? Is this "normal"? Is there a name for this kind of cyclonic coming-out/awakening explosion? It has put one part of me at peace, but the rest of me is seriously eating dust. I have gone from hiding from myself and confused to suddenly being stuck in girl-mode almost full-time and already thinking about transitioning... Is that OK?? And what do I do with this man and all of his good qualities and his humidor full of cigars? I want one pretty bad, but suddenly feel too girly to smoke one... I'm confused.

Thanks again everyone! I'll be pecking my way through this forum to try to get to know people better.

[Guest Jackson]

Welcome, Joan. Glad that you found everyone here and decided to take the plunge and join.

If you ever need anything, that's what we're all here for.

You take care, now, you hear?

[Sally]

My major concern right now is figuring out what just happened to me. Why did my entire attitude and emotions shift so FAST? Is this "normal"? Is there a name for this kind of cyclonic coming-out/awakening explosion? It has put one part of me at peace, but the rest of me is seriously eating dust. I have gone from hiding from myself and confused to suddenly being stuck in girl-mode almost full-time and already thinking about transitioning... Is that OK?? And what do I do with this man and all of his good qualities and his humidor full of cigars? I want one pretty bad, but suddenly feel too girly to smoke one... I'm confused.[/i]

Thanks again everyone! I'll be pecking my way through this forum to try to get to know people better.

Hi Joan,

I just got back home this evening and found your posts, welcome and let me answer that last question for you.

It seems normal to me!

I struggled for years as you did being a nice guy for everybody else (even have one of those anchors of a wristwatch from my days on ship board - I played trumpet on cruise ships). I finally came to the realization that nothing would ever change my need to transition so I started research less than a year ago and finally went to a gender therapist and drug my feet trying to bring my wife along. When she left It served as the catalyst an there is no stopping my transition, once the ink is on the final papers - I'm donning a very nice pair of lady's running shoes and I'm off.

That phone call freed you - and there is no putting Joan back in the closet any more than Sally can go back in.

If you want to smoke a cigar, you can I know a lot of girls that do!

Love ya, so go ahead and feel free to love yourself, that's a great start,

Sally

[Guest Emily.SoCal]

Joan,

I am overwhelmed. Not so much by the thoroughness of your post, but by all the similarities that you and I share and that I think you find'll many, many other women on this site share. At 31 I am all too familiar with the crumbling of the male shell during these later stages of young adulthood. And that turning point with a close friend that sets you free and sends you to hell at the same time, I feel your pain there too. And recent separation? Check, experiencing that too. It seems like a lot of girls here are; I've seen a lot in the introductions forum lately anyway. Like you I'm all alone in a big empty place (apartment in my place) that I don't want but am kind of stuck with because of the arrangement with my ex. We weren't married, but.. it's complicated. Suffice to say we're still intertwined on a friends and business level and it's weird.

As far as what to do goes, you've already done one thing -- seek out help amongst caring and non-judgmental people. Finding a similar group in real life is another thing to do. And finally, and perhaps most importantly, consider talking to a gender therapist. In lieu of that, consider telling your existing therapist. If they're a good therapist they'll either have a background with transgendered clients or they'll be able to recommend someone who is. If they don't accept you for who you are, then that's there problem. Because you are who are you and you should never be afraid or ashamed of who you are. I know, that's easier said than done, but I'm sending all my positivity your way in hopes that it at least gives you the confidence to talk to your therapist. Because you deserve that confidence about your femaleness. And you will have it!

Above all just know that you're with friends now. See you around the forums!

-Emily

[Guest JoanDS]

Thank you, Jackson. You take care too

Sally, thank you so much for your reply. I think you're right. In the last year I have lost my wife, my pets, the responsibility of a rental property (which housed a number of my friends) and a lot of other things which I felt responsible for. I think I've been bursting at the seams for a while now and that phone-call was the last straw. While I still have things (my family and my job) that I feel are kind of in-the-way, so many other things that were holding me back slipped away all at once and then that phone call was the catalyst... Thank you.

Emily, thank you. It's soo good to know these experiences are shared by others. I have found a gender-therapist nearby and I am going to call for an appointment on Monday. Good luck with your living situation. Being someplace you don't like sucks. (I've been using that word a lot lately.)

Thanks again, everyone for the warm welcome! You all have helped me feel much better! I guess my intro is pretty complete!

[Guest Kelly Ann]

Hi Joan<giggle> we are all most certainly works in progress. You are working through a lot that has been imposed upon you all your life...thats why it sometimes seems to sort of take the wind out of your sails...wheeeew why didn't I do this or that when I was younger? Because it wasn't the time for you is the answer. What the HECK am I doing NOW!??!?!?!? Being true to yourself? Perhaps? It takes a lot to reach that realization and it sure isn't easy...nor is the trail leading there for the lump sum total of anyone with our particular proclivities...it's not bad or good...it's just simply how we are. I am so glad you have come back here...see...you've made a whole new world of friends that will miss you and worry if you don't return occasionally at least...hopefully more often though. There's people you can help with your knowledge too by posting to others threads and that's a small way to help yourself...could be it helps someone else more than you might even imagine. I look forward and you should too GF...keep smiling

[Guest Frank67]

Welcome Joan,

this is a really long and informative intro. As you can see here are so many wonderful people who are supportive and willing to help and it is good to know that you found a gender therapist.

That's the right way, don't be afraid to go there they are here to help you.

Frank

[Guest Lost]

Hi joan,

I'm new too and wish to send my good luck

Much Hugs and try to relax

be cool

-snow

[Guest Meredith]

Joan,

I've been there. I'm still there, there are a lot of good people here. Relax and enjoy the group.

[Guest Evan_J]

Joan,

Your intro covered so much and truely was heard. The first thing I would say is definately take the advice to get a gender specialist for counseling. The other is to know that all of the stages of coming to accept the self are typically the most "dramatic" in terms of emotions we experience. I have to admit, when I first started reading about your friends "encouragement" I thought it was that they "hoped" you'd decide/conclude that you were in fact mtf for their own selfish ends(ie they wanted to date a mtf) however, the way it in fact played out would say much the contrary so so much for me being chronically cynical. What was true of that situation was that it kind of "compounded" an acceptance stage though. Not only did/do you have to figure out whats going on with yourself alone but its also brought the "outer world" perceptions and acceptances crashing in kind of soon A stituation that (if I can spectulate) fed into you discovering that nesxt level of self acceptance -the physical self as the opposite sex- somewhat early too in context. Its a stage we all reach though if/when we start talking -and especially when we start acting- on transitioning; the questions of "will anyone love/ be attracted to me as that opposite sex" and "however average I am physically is it better that what I might be". However much a person feels "of course I'd rather be the opposite sex bodily theres a point, I think, when the uncontrollability of those changes really clicks in the mind; I can't promise anybody, not even myself what my face will look like after T. After I'd been on Testerone a few months I actually made a post once on another site I belong to called "Are you ready to lose the face?" it was about exactly what you were describing, that while it might not have been in this years blockbuster film the physicality I was born with -especially dealing with the face in this case- had an "assured and proven marketability" and the experience I was having that day was the realization or reaching the point of being "fine" with whatever it would turn into or how it would become different after testosterone. In a way it was "being ok" if I no longer owned something that in truth I still had a slight amount of vanity connected to. It sounds like you are having some of that now.. In which case it kind of sounds like at least your emotions if not your counscious mind has made or is considering "acting" on how you feel.

Thats an awful lot of stuff to try to work through with no help. We're all here for you, and we'll support you in whatever ways we're able that this medium can supoort but in no way does it take the place of face to face professional gender counseling.

I didn't mean to be so longwinded. Consider it making up for lateness. I hope things are better in any area since your last post.

Evan

[Guest JoanDS]

Evan,

Thank you sooo much for your awesome reply!

Yes, things came in pretty fast and really shook me up for a little while.

I am feeling much more peaceful now. And right. I actually haven't felt so secure and happy in a long time, even though things are really crazy. I feel amazingly sure of this direction, and it is causing so many good things to fall into place in my head. So even though I'm still broke and cold, I'm much more OK with it than I was.

Another strange thing happened too... My JOB became just a job.

When I was trying so desperately to be a "Good Man" my job was supreme in my life. My emotions and self-esteem rose and fell with it. I felt it was my identity, because I didn't really have a fully developed male identity, I clung to the societal construct that I was my profession. It was miserable. Suddenly, this is no longer the case. I still go in and do a good job, but I no longer feel like my soul is being eternally judged based on my performance. It has been a huge load off. Just an interesting side-effect.

I will hopefully be getting my therapy appointment set up this week.

My friend I wrote about has been super-supportive for the last week or so, and I successfully came out to another old friend of mine who has been awesome, so I do have some support IRL as well as here.

Thanks again!

[Guest Kelly Ann]

I am so glad you've come back to let us know how it is going for you Joan. Don't let Evan 'buffalo' you he's hardly cynical...a tiger cub in a 'T' coating, erm maybe...if I could I'd roll 'em on his back and rub his belly...jeeze he'd scratch me ...He's one genuinely great guy all around with a major load of excellent advice because he's 'there'...pssst...he's got a terrific sense of humor too. Anyhow...Glad your job isn't your Driving Force anymore...keep it important but don't allow work to rule your life putting you into a corner from where there's no escape. That IS liberating in itself...there is all the OT in the world where I am, and more than I'd ever want to work again, done THAT...LOL...but at the level I am 40 hrs is quite enough thank-you very much...I may be slightly ditzy and even a little more than goofy occasionally...but I don't want to be totally crazy GF you ARE amongst friends that really care, Kelly Ann

[Guest Jackson]

Whoo hoo!

I am glad to hear it. I was telling a friend over the weekend that I was really worried about you. I understand the living in an old house and keeping the heat down and such.

I've always kept the thought that so many people define themselves by their jobs that I've always tried not to do that, but it is difficult at times.

[Guest JoanDS]

Thank you, Kelly Ann and Jackson!

BTW, I LOVE both of your avatars! I drew one for myself that I need to get scanned.

(And Evan, yours is super... Um... I'll leave it at super. Well done.)

Everyone here has made me feel so loved and welcome. Y'all really helped me through the last week.

I can't even express how much hope your posts gave me when things seemed especially dark.

While I still have so many challenges to face, I know that I can not just survive them, but learn to thrive too.

My big annual bonus is coming in just 3 more weeks. (My pay mostly comes from bonuses, my weekly pay is small, but my annual take is comfortable, but it means you really have to budget well, which the divorce destroyed.) I can then pay off the rest of my alimony, pay off the bills that have piled up and replace the TV, computer and couch that the ex took. That will all go a long way towards improving my day-to-day comfort level(couch) and peace of mind(bills). Also, I should be able to turn the heat back up!!!! With what is left I will be paying off the last of my student-loans (that only took 12 years )

My divorce should be final 2-3 weeks after that, and that will just be a big emotional load-off. I wish the girl well, I truly hope she succeeds in life, but I desperately need her neediness out of my life. I have been way more than fair in our settlement (she got everything she asked for, and a rental property that pays for itself) and if she falls down due to her pill problem, I cannot own that.

So- I guess what I'm getting at is: I'm 35, I'll soon be completely debt-free, wife-free, rental-property-free and generally free. My future life as a girl gets to begin from a pretty good place, if I just look at it right. While my old life has essentially been destroyed, I get to build a new one from the ashes.

Thanks again, everyone, for all of the love.

I love you guys.

{{{*_HUGS_*}}}

-Joan

---<--<@

[Sally]

My divorce should be final 2-3 weeks after that, and that will just be a big emotional load-off. I wish the girl well, I truly hope she succeeds in life, but I desperately need her neediness out of my life. I have been way more than fair in our settlement (she got everything she asked for, and a rental property that pays for itself) and if she falls down due to her pill problem, I cannot own that.

I love you guys.

{{{*_HUGS_*}}}

-Joan

---<--<@

I am just about at the same stage and looking forward to the ink drying so I can know what is mine and isn't - then it's off to the doctor's for the hormones!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Ashlee]

I am feeling much more peaceful now. And right. I actually haven't felt so secure and happy in a long time, even though things are really crazy. I feel amazingly sure of this direction, and it is causing so many good things to fall into place in my head. So even though I'm still broke and cold, I'm much more OK with it than I was.

Another strange thing happened too... My JOB became just a job.

When I was trying so desperately to be a "Good Man" my job was supreme in my life. My emotions and self-esteem rose and fell with it. I felt it was my identity, because I didn't really have a fully developed male identity, I clung to the societal construct that I was my profession. It was miserable. Suddenly, this is no longer the case. I still go in and do a good job, but I no longer feel like my soul is being eternally judged based on my performance. It has been a huge load off. Just an interesting side-effect.

I will hopefully be getting my therapy appointment set up this week.

My friend I wrote about has been super-supportive for the last week or so, and I successfully came out to another old friend of mine who has been awesome, so I do have some support IRL as well as here.

Thanks again!

Joan,

I'm so glad your feeling better about yourself. It sounds like some things are starting to fall into place for you and things are a little brighter in your world!

What you mention about your job reminded me of something. I had a job in sales that I worked on commision, that sucked and when I would call on people I made sure I had everything in order to make a sale. Lots of pressure there when its "if they don't buy, I don't eat" Later on, I got another job in sales that was not on commission - it was a straight salary. My stress level went way down, and my sales were incredible. I no longer had that stress of "getting the sale" and could concentrate on the needs of the customers instead. I hope you continue doing your job, as the market today is really hard to find new work.

And get that appointment set up! Take that step, just DO it! We will be here to back you up 110%

Super cool about your friend, and too about your other old friend. Your friends are precious, hold them tight.

{hugs back at ya}

Ashlee