a little update on me

[Guest Alissia.C]

Hello everyone,

I know I have not posted much but I have been facing a roller coaster of emotions and being someone who used to block out all my emotions and/or cover them up it isn't easy. A good thing is that these emotional roller coasters are heading forward and I am feeling more like myself as I am starting to come out of the little cage inside of me and swim to the surface of myself. Anyway, I am finding that I am feeling much more like a female now with the male me slowly slipping away with it still showing up at work and especially with family. It is sad that it is showing up so predominantly with family but with having one side of my family being so very judgemental and who get enjoyment from the suffering of other people in the family because this other person's life is worse then theirs. The other side is not as bad and are closer to a normal family. With this all said, I find it hard to wrap around my head to find a way to tell them who I am when I feel it is the right time. Anyway, I am rambling so I will get to what I wanted to share.

So I had my convocation a couple days ago, WooHoo! (for those who don't know, a convocation is a university graduation). It was very nerve racking and because I was with family, the defenses were up pretty strong but parts of me started to show through when I relaxed. I had my sister there, who is the first person in my family who I told, and I did not have very good talks with her. I know she is still processing but does not really know the weight and effects of her words and even though I saw glimpses of her very supportive self I still got hit by these comments and words.

Two things she said had hit pretty hard but I did not feel like I could tell her because I didn't want to ruin the good day. She had discussed this transgender stuff with her Godmother, who I gave her permission to tell, and they had joked around that my immediate family should be on Jerry Springer as my sister was the only normal one. This hurt me a lot because it made me feel like they thought I was screwed up enough to be on that show when I am finally starting to fix myself with this. The second thing was that she said she didn't want me to dress-up as a girl on our trip at the end of the summer. Now although I understand this, as she is still processing and does not know much about transgender people, it is what she said about us stopping at hotels along the way that hurt me. She said that she didn't want me dressed up and checking into the hotels with her as she didn't want the hotel clerks to think she was with a transvestite prostitute. It just hurt that this idea and view of me had passed through her head and I feel like I will not be able to get the support that I need from her and makes me want just keep her at a distance until she comes to understand just how serious this topic is. What is worse is that she didn't think that these things would hurt me and came to wonder why I was acting like I guy if I told her that I am transgender.

She had kept saying that I should have someone in the family to talk to and have as an emotional support as she won't be here in September as she is moving away to another province. However, with this being the best words I think I will get I do not see that happening. She is very far from understanding all of this and I do hope that she will start to with the book I gave her to read. The book is "Transgender 101" and was suggested by my counselor to give to others so that they could understand this. So that day was a very hard one and I got hit strongly by depression the next day as she is my only support person in the family.

The good news is that I have my first appointment with my hormones doctor on this Monday and so I have something to look forward to! I also know that if I loose my family, which is very likely for the people on my mother's side, I will find a new one who will support me and care for me like I deserve.

Alissia

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Alissia I am very sorry to hear about your sisters general attitude towards trans issues, and sadly I encountered this same kind of mentality with my own family at first. The reason they joked about jerry springer is because for some people the TV portrayal of trans is all they know. My own family told me I'd end up looking like a cartoon character, some told me it revolted them, my uncle told my grandma that I would end up as a prostitute. It's sad but these ideas all come from the ideas they get from how we are portrayed in the media and the only thing You can really do is try to educate them what they do from there is up to them. Sharing the suggested reading material is a great idea, and you can also try to talk to them about it to try to help them understand that you are not going to en up being springer worthy.

It's great news that you are starting HRT that is a very big step, I hope you keep us updated on how all of that goes hon.

Hugs,

Sarah

[Guest Nicole Thrace]

Alissia,

Like Sarah said often peoples ideas about being Transgender come only from what they see on TV or in movies. When i came out as Trans, I had people telling me about how tough life would be ( like life for was easy back then), how I would lose my job and face ridicule and scorn every minunte of every day. I heard the whole " Jerry Springer " line also. As I moved forward in my transisition I lost friends and kept " friends" who couldn't be seen in public with me ( don't really count them as friends).

One thing I had to realize is that alot of the negitive comments I got in the beginning were said because the people around me didn't want to see me get hurt. Just look at how society treats anyone who is diffrent. The people around me didn't want to see me suffer. They just didn't understand the pain I felt inside and the risk I was willing to take to ease that pain.

Some people did say things out of pure meanness. Those people I had to say goodbye to. It hurt as they left my life. Life long friends and family had to be told that if they could not support me in my decsion then there was no longer room in my life for them. I could not have these negitive people in my life as I sought out my happiness. The people who stick with you during this change are your true familiy!!!

The people who stuck with me I love and cherish. There is bond that can never be broken between us. One thing I did was educate the people around me. I let everyone know I was willing to answer ANY questions they have ( I answered many many questions and sometimes the same one twice! ). I loaned out books and dvds. Two great dvds I found were Red without Blue and She's a Boy I Knew. I think those dvds really helped my family understand what I was going through. My dad watched them four times!

Life is not easy. Being Tran is not easy. The road to finding happiness is not easy, but the rewards are well worth the fight. Every day is not sunshine and bunnies for me, but it is a much, much better life then the one I lived as "him".

Others on this site write so much better than I do. I hope then can explain things better than I do. I am sorry that you hurt right now. You can always reach out to the people on this site. The people here are some of the most wonderful people in the world!!

Great job on starting HRT!!! !!!!

Love and Hugs,

Nicole

[Guest Strong]

Alissa.

I'm still new with this as well. I come from a very stubborn non conforming to change at any cost family.I get very upset and defensive when I have to talk to my siblings. I have a sister who tries to understand, but tends to push me to due things I'm not ready to do yet. I have 1 brother who says I'm crazy and another one who is just waiting, to fight with me, saying its a choice. and I chose to be a mother and have to remain a mother. I will confuse my children. I hold my ground. Telling him as long as my children are loved it makes no different what gender I am. I have much needed support here whether I post, or just read. Everyone here is wiling to offer guidance and support. I was so overjoyed to find a place that would accept me as a loving human being, without be judged. Remember everyone here will do there best to help you.

Love strong

[Guest Alissia.C]

Thanks Sarah for that wonderful insight. It is very sad that those things are the representation that are out their in the world for trans people but news tends to only focus on the more strange things and not on the reality and without the reality people use the strange and "out there" things as their information and resource. I know that my sister is very confused with all of this, especially since I moved really quick with it. I only discovered all of this a couple months ago and now I am moving into hormones. To anyone else this would seem fast, but also for anyone else they wouldn't do as much figuring out or self discovery as I did in that short time but with this opened up my mind was able to process better. For me I am pretty intelligent and learn very quickly so the time I had was the hardest I have ever had but it was also needed as my mind was holding this all in that it needed to move and process as fast as it did. My sister does not know me as well as she may think but that is mostly my fault as I do not let her in. My mind sees her as a woman from my mother's side and thus puts up all the defenses but I do know that she isn't that way and I just need to fix this imbalance. It just doesn't help matters much when she says the things she does and it is an internal battle to let her in as I have been so focused on defense for so long. I have a hard time trusting family at all as I have been hurt by them too much. But it is just bad luck that I am as sensitive as I am and having been born into the family I have.

Alissia