Hello

[Guest Zayden]

Why I'm here. (sorry, this is going way into detail)

My chosen name is Matthew, but I prefer Matt. This is the name I have used since I was 14 or 15 among online friends and when I started coming out to people it is the name I have kept. I have not started requesting that people call me by that name and still go by "Kat" among friends and family.

I hear a lot of people say that from a child they felt that they were different. They didn't lie within the "normal" gender spectrum. There was definitely a few things I remember as a child that made me rethink my gender identity now. Sure, I played with dolls, and lego, and trucks, and just about anything. My parents did not force me to conform to either gender perfectly. I, in fact, am probably one of the luckiest people because of my parents being so open!

I was never a "girly" girl. Sure, I was in Girl Guides. I dressed up sometimes. But I almost always wore either gender neutral clothing or men's clothing. I wore men's deodorant because I liked the scent more than women's. I used men's body wash and shampoo. I had a hard time being friends with women (and to this day only have one close friend who is female). I also had very short hair for the majority of my adolescent years, favouring men's hair styles over women's. Society wise, I had more typical male characteristics than female ones.

When I was 13 or 14 I was first discovering sexuality and it was at that time that I came out as being bisexual. Probably not the smartest move in a school that was very anti-GLBTQ, but I think in a way it made me stronger. I wish I had stood my ground a bit more, but it was all new to me. When I was in Grade 11 I started the GSA at my high school. Thanks to a local pride group, we were able to also attend the provincial conference that year. Unfortunately, due to a heavy Christian influence in the school, once I had left the GSA was pretty much... crushed.

I remember distinctly somewhere during grades 9-11 meeting someone who was MtF and we shared a lot of the same experiences and something sort of clicked in me, suddenly things made sense. However, being trans in the community that I grew up in would have been... well, I couldn't be openly trans. I did do some cross-dressing at times for different pride events, though. I have a few corsets that I had made myself and I would bind my chest with those.

I do not like being biologically female, and it has nothing to do with my menstrual cycle which is what my grandmother would always say! I used to say I wished I was a man frequently, which I guess should have been a heads-up to me that I wasn't 100% fitting the female spectrum. I would prefer to have male genitalia and when I see men without shirts on... well, I'm a bit jealous that I don't have that flat chest. I have always tried to love my body and I think that has been a huge part of why I have never really looked at altering it or at transitioning. Recently, I came to accept my body and that is when I realized that my body isn't the one that I would ideally have. Initially, I identified as androgynous but after spending some time thinking about things I have realized that the term FtM fits me better.

I'm coming on being 20 years old in the next few weeks. Now would be the best time for me to start HRT but I have decided to opt out of that for the moment. I am considering top surgery at this point but it is too early for me to decide. I want to make sure that I am making the right decision for myself with everything. I have no menstrual cycle so that isn't an issue but I do intend on having surgery so that I permanently cannot have children.

I have been diagnosed as mentally ill (not sharing my diagnosis due to privacy) but I am hoping that transitioning will eventually help things get a bit better too. I have a therapy regime I have to follow, too. I just have to keep myself safe and keep moving forward so that hopefully in a few months with the changes things will get better!

I still have to come out to my parents, who will be totally cool with it, as well as my friends. So for now I am still, appearance wise, female. I do have a packer that is home made and I am trying to get a proper binder. Kind of nice side note, when I finished my packer and started wearing it... it was like my entire life finally clicked into place and that's when I really realized that was the right thing for me.

Cheers.

Matt

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Hi Matt, Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are more sure then you initially stated, but there is nothing wrong with wanting to be absolutely sure. It also sounds like you are in a good situation with your parents, though I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with school you're definitely not alone in that, school was awful for me for similar reasons. You've come to a good place to meet others who relate though, and there is a lot of good information to be found from our great members here.

We do ask that all new members check out the terms and conditions at least once and they can be found on the lower right hand corner of this page. Looking forward to hearing more from ya!

Hugs,

Sarah

[Guest Zayden]

Hi Matt, Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are more sure then you initially stated, but there is nothing wrong with wanting to be absolutely sure. It also sounds like you are in a good situation with your parents, though I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with school you're definitely not alone in that, school was awful for me for similar reasons. You've come to a good place to meet others who relate though, and there is a lot of good information to be found from our great members here.

We do ask that all new members check out the terms and conditions at least once and they can be found on the lower right hand corner of this page. Looking forward to hearing more from ya!

Hugs,

Sarah

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for the reminder about the T&C, I wasn't sure where to find them!

As I was writing I was kind of connecting the dots on how I felt too, in a way I realized exactly how much this does fit me. To be honest I have just started to come out to myself as FtM although the idea and possibility of it have been in my head for a while.

My partner is MtF so while she knows quite a bit about that side of things, her knowledge is a lot less about FtM, which is why I was hoping to find some support and knowledge here.

Thanks again!

Matt

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Matt,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.
We have FTM meetings -Mon & Fri 8pm est, and you are welcome to attend.
We all look forward to seeing you.
vanna