Your thoughts on a book?

[Guest WFane]

I recently finished "So You Want to be a T-Girl" by an anonymous person on the internet. The book goes theough the hardships of transitioning as an older ftm.

I can't say too much as I haven't been there yet... but the book seems very pesemistic, and it almost scared me out of pursuing the path to gender identification. It seems paranoid, dispite what appears to be a lot of up beat and successful girls here...

Surely some of you have read it and are well into your gender rolls. What are your thoughts? Should I panic as much I feel I should after reading this?

[Guest MsPerseveres]

Transitioning is the hardest thing that I've ever done. There is so much garbage attached to traditional gender roles that, even in VERY open and accepting Canada, it's a huge challenge - I would never wish this on anyone, not my worst enemy.

That said, there is a LOT of wonder and beauty and excitement, in finally being true to ME, for the first time ever. I am the better version of me, by orders of magnitude - and no matter the pain, and stress, and work, and issues, I'm no longer just waiting to die, I'm actively living.

I think that this dichotomy might be part of why some of us take so long to come out to ourselves, and so long to come out to the rest of the world, because we know how much we stand to lose. And when I came out, it was because I couldn't stand to spend the rest of my life dying, I wanted to be able to just BE...

Despite it all, it was the right decision for me...

Should you panic? No. Should you think that it will be a cakewalk, a bed of roses, an easy road? No. Will you lose a lot? Probably, and you're likely to lose things/people that you thought you'd keep... and gain in areas where you would never have expected there to be anything to win. Should you transition? Only you can decide that, but you shouldn't take counsel only of your fears, nor should you look only through the rose coloured glasses...

Tami

[Guest LizMarie]

I read "So You Want to be a T-Girl" quite some time ago. My take on it was that she was trying to throw cold water on the "doves and roses" view that transition often seems portrayed as. Don't get me wrong, as Tami notes, transition is hard but as Tami also notes, for those of us who decide we need to transition, transition can also be vastly rewarding. But only if you really need it, only if you really work at it, only if you are prepared for the ups and downs, and what becoming a woman really really means.

You, as a male, experience certain privileges and levels of respect that women must often earn. You're going to lose all that. You are going to be thrown, headfirst, into women's culture, much of it constantly warped by marketing of "beauty culture" over reality. You're going to have to learn to swim and navigate these things after being thrown right into the deep end of the pool, unlike cisgender girls who grow into these things through childhood and puberty.

I do think that "So You Want to be a T-Girl" is overly pessimistic but for a reason. Too often transition is romanticized. I'm not saying don't transition. I am saying transition if you must, for the right reasons, and be prepared for it to be one of the most difficult things you've ever done. And it won't be over the day your name and gender change is legally final. It won't be over the day your SRS (if you choose that) is complete. You will be transitioning in one sense or another for the rest of your life, learning to be what cisgender women always have known.

[Guest MsPerseveres]

OMG, yes! Sorry for missing that point, but LizMarie is totally right - for trans women, transitioning is NEVER over, as there is always something that will out us, simply because we have never experienced it before, while cis women learn it as they grow up, and have the right instincts for what is expected. The number of times it happens in a day will decrease... but I expect to still be outed by a piece of knowledge that I don't have, even when I'm 85...

Tami

[Guest Kaylee234]

I hadn't read this before, and I only just finished the first part. But my initial impression is that, even though it is quite pessimistic, it is pretty spot-on. Her description of a "typical TS's" life could have been my biography. I absolutely recall the moment my bell went off, and as one of my close friends told me: "Ever since that day, it's like you've been sprinting towards your goal"

When I started transitioning, I was prepared to lose everything. I was scared out of my mind, but I knew it was something I had to do. Or die. That's the one real choice I've made in this process. Luckily, I haven't had to lose everything. I'm not sure what I did to deserve how lucky I've been when others here have actually lost so much. I can't attribute it to being half Irish, maybe I hoarded a ton of Karma in a past life.

But really, nothing in that article is a surprise, is it? Not to me. If a slightly pessimistic, but painfully honest, article about the very real dangers, obstacles, statistics, etc that we as transsexuals face scares you enough to even remotely consider not transitioning... then maybe you should stop for a moment and think about why you're considering transitioning in the first place.

~ Kay

[Guest Leah1026]

I recently finished "So You Want to be a T-Girl" by an anonymous person on the internet. The book goes theough the hardships of transitioning as an older ftm.

I can't say too much as I haven't been there yet... but the book seems very pesemistic, and it almost scared me out of pursuing the path to gender identification. It seems paranoid, dispite what appears to be a lot of up beat and successful girls here...

Surely some of you have read it and are well into your gender rolls. What are your thoughts? Should I panic as much I feel I should after reading this?

I wish someone would get rid of that damn thing. It's been floating around the internet for more than a decade and was probably written 20 years ago. As such it is woefully out of date and negative in the extreme. I suggest you pay it no heed. Listen to your peers, not some sad sack from the past.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

I read that book recently my self and walked away scratching my head a bit because it was totally out of touch with many of my own experiences.. I felt the writer was very very bitter towards transitioning in general, and Im not sure how relevant it is for many younger transitioners these days. I think Leah is right here, listen to peers who can hear what you have to say and offer support based on that as opposed to the broad generalized terms of that book.

Hugs,

Sarah

[Guest WFane]

The message i got from it was
Dont transition unleas your bell goes off.
Dress like a woman, not a drag queen
Be a woman, not a transsexual.
You will probably end up in x rated situations for compensation.
You are a liar, and you're not fooling anyone.
You will never pass.
Activists are idiots.
Men are gay for you.
And
A bunch of broad generalizations under the blanket term "transgender" which I found pretty offensive...

That said, the positives I got out of the book were the thoughts of just being a woman, rather than a transsexual. Granted I know it'll be a hard road, I'm pretty sure there's more to life than worrying about my gender presentation.

I plan on presenting female and not having much other thought put into it. I get ma'amed regularly in men's clothes, and i get sired. Being sired doesnt bug me because I know what i look like. I'd rather be ma'amed, but thats life isnt it?

So yeah, i think the book might be a little out of touch for younger transsexuals, but at least the messages are there... they're just hidden behind a lot if repetative drilling. I just don't like the whole "You're not a TRUE TRANSSEXUAL unless bla bla bla" bull. Just be a decent person of the sex you present as. Don't stand to pee in the ladies room, and dont be a [Removed]. Basic rules of life apply here, its just a matter of figuring out how with a different roll i guess...

Edited July 18, 2013 by Sarah Faith
Removed "self censored" word as per the T&C Rule #20.

[Guest Deenah]

never read it. The way i see things is this. If i read someones experience going threw transition and there are negative points in it, then i may feel like this is going to be a complete hell for me and wish not too. Not what i want to happen, i hate reading negative anything.

This persons story and experiences are going to be way different then what mine are going to be, and reading things like this may have some sort of impact on how my brain perceives my transition. Thus i don't want any negative thoughts running in my head from someones else's experience being transgender. I like that my mind is fresh and in this new learning stage wide open to soak up all these new experiences on my terms.

It's not that i don't like reading other peoples stories, i just want my brain to take in all this new knowledge with my experiences weather they are good or bad, but without any outside interruptions . . .wow that was deep lmao

have a great day

Deenah Rae

[Guest LizMarie]

I read that book recently my self and walked away scratching my head a bit because it was totally out of touch with many of my own experiences.. I felt the writer was very very bitter towards transitioning in general, and Im not sure how relevant it is for many younger transitioners these days. I think Leah is right here, listen to peers who can hear what you have to say and offer support based on that as opposed to the broad generalized terms of that book.

Hugs,

Sarah

Oh, I absolutely agree, Sarah and Leah. It is out of date and it is excessively pessimistic but as I said, I think the author was (at that particular point in time) trying to de-romanticize transition. Transitioning will help us be comfortable with ourselves. It's not going to get us a job, pay the bills, bring us an amazing soulmate, etc.

I also think that with the progress made since this was written, things are not nearly so dire as then. I just do think that it's important to keep our feet on the ground about what transition is and is not. For those of us who need it, it will save our lives, but having saved them, it won't rebuild them. That's something that we have to do ourselves. And you are a beautiful example of that, Sarah. Transitioning seems to have allowed you to blossom and really focus on your life, but you did that, not the transition by itself, if you know what I mean.

*hugs*

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Oh, I absolutely agree, Sarah and Leah. It is out of date and it is excessively pessimistic but as I said, I think the author was (at that particular point in time) trying to de-romanticize transition. Transitioning will help us be comfortable with ourselves. It's not going to get us a job, pay the bills, bring us an amazing soulmate, etc.

I also think that with the progress made since this was written, things are not nearly so dire as then. I just do think that it's important to keep our feet on the ground about what transition is and is not. For those of us who need it, it will save our lives, but having saved them, it won't rebuild them. That's something that we have to do ourselves. And you are a beautiful example of that, Sarah. Transitioning seems to have allowed you to blossom and really focus on your life, but you did that, not the transition by itself, if you know what I mean.

*hugs*

Aw thanks.

I agree with that, transitioning isn't the cure all and it definitely isn't something someone should just rush into. Someone should always keep an open mind and listen to their heart and their instincts in regards to if its right for them as they transition. I just also don't think its quite as grim as that person described!

Sarah

[Guest Mia J]

I have to say I have not even heard of this book and would not read it anyway.

The title really puts me off. "So You Want to be a T-Girl" Excuse me but when was this ever a choice and who would actually want to do this if you were able not to?

Mia

[Guest ~Emmie~]

I've read it; and as Liz said, it's depressingly pessimistic, but in the way as to discourage people who'd just think it'd be "cool or different" to try being a girl for a while. I did take some of it away, in that I waited over half a year to go back to therapy, because I really wanted to analyze my reasons for transitioning- which are, essentially, I feel like a girl more and more each day- which is both awesome, and scary as anything. And that I have a chance of losing people I love. It's depressing, but it's a splash of cold water for those individuals who want to rush into things without thinking it all through.

Surely some of you have read it and are well into your gender rolls.

However, there are some days I don't feel like I fit my gender roll. Maybe a sushi roll, or a jelly roll.

[Guest MaybeLeslie]

I loved and hated this book. As a realist I love that it show what really happens. I know I've been in a bit of denial myself cause I'm freaking out. This book gave me personally a needed wake up. Has it stopped me? Well how does one stop a tornado? Did it scare the crap out of me? Absolutely.

I don't agree with everything though. Kinda ticked me off the bashing on lesbians and activists. For one I am a lesbian, can't help that but to catalog us as all butch is crap. I don't care if another lesbian is butch that's fine by me be yourself. I am not tho. I could rant all day about that. For two I agree to disagree with the activists thing. I think they are important for us transitioning , we do need people standing up to make a difference, when hate crimes go unpunished against us something is wrong and as former military, it's no secret there are multiple angles taken to win a battle. You can't win solely in silence. If that was the case everyone in the military would be S.E.A.L.S., we wouldn't need front line soldiers. On the flip side I can agree some maybe doing more harm than good. I do agree people shouldn't be all oh I'm trans I should be allowed to play sports as a woman, trans be the man or woman your meant to be a play your sports. Just my 2cents.

All in all yes depressing but an eye opener to the world I just now realize I was born into.

Much <3,

Leslie