Wow!

[Guest ren.ge]

It's been 3 weeks since I realized this. Realized that the sulking I was prone to regarding things I wanted but could not have, may be connected to this breakthrough.

Warning, I may ramble a bit.

I was an efeminate boy, teen, adolencent, young adult. I got hit on by guys so much I figured I'd try being gay, but even though I kept thinking I would meet someone I liked it didn't happen. "I guess I wrong. And so were the people who made me feel alienated from everything by assuming I was something when I didn't know what I was."

I turned monogomous relationships with females into models where I searved my other person, and always, always created a monster in the process. I guess I figured that if I could keep them happy my stuff would be alright.

I spent many years trying to kill the pain as a garbage head, overdosing on morphine when I was 16, board and drunk into my early 20's. I tried straight edge, any extreme behaviour was fine with me, and I finally fell into weight lifting when I broke up with a girl in NYC and needed someplace to take a shower.

When I finally cleaned up for good 18 years ago, body building was one of the first things I put in place to support my sobriety. And I studied it endlessly in order to get my endorphine fix and spend my limitless energy. I spent alot of time alone then, not wanting to repeat the cycles I created, and not being clear about an alternative. I used Buddhist practice to change some things about my life. I figured I could change something inside and things that hadn't worked in the past would, or something like that.

I put on over 40 ponds in 17 years of "clean" lifting, deepened my voice, started to like being a boy. The last relationship I was in was dieing and I didn't know how to fix it. When the emptyness came back after the first LOVE section I turned to alcohol. I had no coping skills left, and even less hope. I did managed to get sober, all the while lifting weights, and with alot of study decided to introduce TRT through testosterone injections.

My partner went out of town for the summer and warned that there needed to be some changes. I could feel the Test in my system, and I started to fantasize about a couple trangender M to F's that I had known when working as a bouncer some years before. I didn't know what this was or where it came from. I used the internet and found "Ask a Transgender." on youtube, and everything started to change.

I went out to transgender nights at clubs. I have always loved to dance and started to have fun. I met a pretty T-Girl and we would chat and dance. I started thinking, "Maybe I'm going to become gay now.", but I spent a night out in west Hollywood and nothing had changed there. By the time I went to San diego Pride last week I had started to get some kind of idea about myself. And I got to dance the entire parade route with the transgender community there.

Maybe, when I was trying to find my place in all this, transgender was not really an option. There were drag shows in one of the gay clubs I went to, but I didn't know what to make of them.

So here goes, I identify - Queer, Fem Male to Masculine Male Transgender and I am attracted to Male to Female, pre-op transgenders. I was able to try the attraction part of this equasion and, by all reports, was quite good at it, and I really, really liked it.

I think I like everything about it!

Anyway, I just wanted to say all this out loud (out loud?) someplace where it can be understood.

Thanx for being there.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Nam Myo Ho Ren Ge Kyo
<<< hug >>>
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vanna

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Ren.ge,

You have gone through a lot in your past.

Too many people are worried about LABELS and what other people think.

Think about your OWN HAPPINESS.

There are NO rules in LOVE, If you are attracted to MtF PreOp's enjoy yourself.

Please practice Safe Sex though.

Hugs,

Carla

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Miss Kindheart,

You brought back memories when I was in college in the 1970's.

I became interested in a Buddhist Group and I remember chanting "Nam Myo Ho Ren Ge Kyo"

A blast from the past.

Hugs,

Carla

[Guest miss kindheart]

Miss Kindheart,

You brought back memories when I was in college in the 1970's.

I became interested in a Buddhist Group and I remember chanting "Nam Myo Ho Ren Ge Kyo"

A blast from the past.

Hugs,

Carla

Hi Carla yeah i was gonked on the head with a scrool at a gogekai ceromony long ago

Practised for awhile , lots of good people do

<<< hug >>>

vanna

[Charlize]

I remember that as well. i sat zen in the late 60's and 70's while at university. Welcome to Laura's Ren.ge, We are here to help each other and keep a safe location to share our paths with each other. Thank you for your post.

We do ask that you read the terms and conditions found at the bottom of any page.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest ren.ge]

Thanx everyone. I had to get that part out. I was at a T-Girl night on Tuesday, and when I told someone I had come out 3 weeks ago, she asked, "To your parents?", I said, "No. To myself."

I know I will try to carry those relationship patterns with me, but with clear Buddhist practice and good intent I have already been able to check myself with my first intimate connection without anybody feeling hurt.

I could type all day, but I think I will spend the next couple days reading, especially the rules. I have been journaling so that I can embrace all this even as it seems a little over whelming at times.

I have been so disconnected from my emotions for so long. But I was playing accoustic guitar and singing Jonny Cash - Dirt the other night and started crying. It felt good.

It's good to be here, and thanx again.

[Guest ~Emmie~]

Johnny Cash is just good soul music. "Ain't No Grave" is one of my absolute favorite songs. There is very little, outside of blues music, that holds up to it. I've tried the extreme, hurting or working out to fit into the system of denial. Feels great, until you realize it isn't work, and what you've wanted all along is just to to be what you've thought you'd denied all along.

Glad to see you here.

-Em

[Guest DianeATL]

Welcome to Laura's Playground, I think you will find people here who listen and don't judge.

We all have different paths that we have taken to get here and unique paths going forward. I know I can relate to much of your history with parallels to mine. The searching to figure out what label fits me, the trying to fit into normal sterotypes, the isolation in to training (fortunately I never went the drug route).

When nothing fits and you don't know how to even express what you want, it is easy to withdraw. I know I have done that becoming more and more isolated because I wanted to fit in but couldn't. I hope that you will find that sharing and learning here will help you understand your unique self better and become more comfortable and open with being you. I am on a baby step plan to do it but each step makes me smile a little more each day.

Welcome and Big Hugs

Diane