What am I.. lost or found

[Guest Brea]

Born a male,

14yrs of age I started crossdressing mostly as sexual stimulation

"I got lost in the feelings"

I've always been a really kind person, sympathetic and loving to everyone who has ever let me in,

but forced to hold a lot of things in because its not male nature to want to be so open with my emotions,

I've always been hard on myself also, guilty for being unable to help/save others, worried.

always drew pictures of a girl with wings, "I should note that I have always had an angel complex about girls,"

18-21yrs

Started self medication for many reasons with female hormones, and at this point I would have to say

that I created a second persona, I put everything I loved about and in a girl and created I almost want to say a split personality

"played many games online as that girl" so basically I could be myself openly.

21-24 I bounced off and on hormones a lot, a line was becoming more developed between male and female as far as my wants and needs.

my mind and body was changed a lot also.

24-32 this day

half accepted but now lost in my female persona, just online to cding, I have a pride in how my body has changed now because of the hormones,

but not for the maleness side of me. I was torn for a long time because I know I could never pass as a female, unless I was super rich but that will never happen,

so I have to accept and enjoy what I can, no one knows about me, in my real life, its easy to get by as a guy, no one really focuses on the background noise,

"my sexuality now is all female, girls still turn me physically more than guys, but I would like to make love like a real woman with a man and when I'm really turned on

I get lost in a sexually arroused very *friendly* person bimbo kind of way"

there is a lot more to it but, I feel like I've been trapt in a body that is not mine and a life that has been cruel to me. The only thing that gets me threw is denial.

but not one for talking about myself so I'm sorry if it is a little messy..

in any case, what am I from your point of views?

and I'm sorry if this is found in anyway to be inappropriate.

[Carolyn Marie]

First let me welcome you to the Playground, Brea. I'm glad that you found us, and I think we can be of service. Rest assured that there is nothing inappropriate about your post.

I can't tell you too much, because I just don't know enough about you yet, despite your excellent introduction. I see no reason to think that you are anything other than transsexual, based only on what you've said here. You didn't mention about ever having seen a gender therapist about your feelings. If not, I certainly encourage you to do so, for your peace of mind, as well as confirmation of being gender dysphoric, and having someone help you along the path that you seem to want to travel.

You also didn't mention if your HRT is being monitored at all by a doctor. If not, I urge you to get blood tests done if that is within your means, because self medicating, especially for a long period, is extremely hazardous to your health. If you are being monitored, then that's a relief, and a good thing.

I hope you continue posting, and I encourage you to ask all the questions that come to you. I do ask all our new members to please read the site Terms and Conditions, as they help us keep the site safe.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Amber Lynn]

Hello Brea,

Welcome to Laura's, I think you'll find a lot of support and information here that will help you through your confusion.

Many of us know how it is to be unsure of just what we are. Finding out who you are is a journey and takes time, but the best place to start is to find a Gender Therapist, as they are invaluable tools in helping us navigate through our own heads to eventually find the answer. Also, like Carolyn Marie said, please have blood tests done if you haven't already, that is very important.

I can tell you that I have had very similar feelings to some of yours. I started crossdressing at a similar age, and had a very similar personality type. My current (somewhat blurry) sexual orientation seems to be very close to yours as well, in terms of still finding girls attractive but desiring intimacy as a woman with a man. So you are not alone in your feelings! I believe that as you get closer to discovering, accepting, and finally embracing your true identity, your sexual orientation will begin to defog.

It does indeed sound like you have a distinct discomfort being male, and this is probably a good indicator of who you might be, but ultimately only you will be able to discover exactly where you fall. In the meantime, please feel free to browse other posts here and ask any questions you may have. Laura's is filled with many welcoming and supportive people that will do all they can to help.

Hugs,

Gina

[Guest Brea]

~hugs~ ^-^ Thank you for the reply,

Sadly I've tried very hard to keep it a secret, I would be cast aside or I would be looked down on. "It's not just a fear, I know my family well" ~side note: small city~

I've never spoken to a gender therapist, "I've mentioned it once when I was going to start therapy, I only went once and they put me on medication for my depression"

made me lightheaded, so I gave up on the medication and the therapy,", I've dealt with depression and anxiety all my life, honestly it is a part of me, the only cure really I see everyone doing is denial or acceptance of the pain around them,

my female side is more cheerful and hyper, more of the mood/split persona.

No my HRT is not monitored and I've accepted the risks a long time ago, I know its not smart or safe to do so like I have but I regret nothing and I'm not suicidal" sorry I know the suicidal part is a little off the point but I don't want anyone to have to worry", I'm down to a very small dose and I take them about maybe once a week right now. herbal ones.

should also note I wouldn't make a cute girl ^-^ "</3" too many genetic flaws, apart from the obvious. I know not many have their ideal body/look, but if I had the money I would so try "but for sure even then I would have to be brave and need moral support for sure~

thank you for the pov on being a TS,

I've always connected with girls very well, I have a great sympathy and empathy "it feels selfish to say empathy but it's the best word" for others, I think of it as kind of motherly some times, I just want to comfort and hold everyone tight when they are hurting.

maybe if I'm brave I could find a nice gender therapist online that I could just type to about everything "ok not so brave -.- ~hides~" could save up for that.

~Would anyone have any recommendations for a good gender therapist like that?

Thanks for your time.

[Charlize]

I don't know where you are dear but while a skype meeting with a GT can help person to person is always the best. Most areas have support groups and that can often open the doors to a better self understanding and a more developed idea of not being alone in the struggle to find yourself. I hope as Carolyn mentioned that you have some medical over site on your HRT. Hormones can be dangerous if not monitored. Your local MD can help there. It took me time to get honest there but it was the best thing in the long run.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Brea,

I must agree with the previous posts, even though you are willing to take risks, self-medication can be fatal.

I would highly recommend that you have your levels checked as soon as possible.

Also, I must agree that a Gender Therapist in person is better than on Skype.

TG Support groups would also be beneficial to you. Many of these groups span the range of TV, CD, TS, PreOp, Postop, MtF, FtM.

You will meet other people who have the same feeling you do and realize you are not alone or different.

While Coming-Out, you are going through various periods of uncertainty of what you are,

In terms of your :sexuality" the only way you will determine it is by experiencing it.

Your post is not "inappropriate". Many people have had the same feeling that you have.

Again, a Good Gender Therapist can help you find some of your answers.

Also, don't be so hard on yourself by saying that you will never pass. We are our own worst critic.

I used to always say that "I don't pass", yet no one has ever commented poorly about my looks.

I found if you treat people with respect, you will get respect in return.

Finally, don't be concerned about Labels and what other think, instead concentrate on being happy with whatever you feel you are.

Hugs,

Carla

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Brea,

I am providing 2 links that may help you discover yourself.

http://www.wikihow.com/Know-if-You-Are-Transsexual

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Yourself

As for your comment, I could never pass as a female, unless I was super rich but that will never happen, please view this link.

http://www.wikihow.com/Come-to-Terms-with-Feeling-Ugly

I hope these links help your "Self-Esteem & Confidence" in yourself.

As always, We are all here to support you. If we can help you don't be afraid to ask.

Hugs,

Carla

[Guest Brea]

Thank you for the links ^-^ The second one made me snicker right away personality wise its like a switch, my true female side is very fun friendly and kind, lots of energy, positive and supportive of others,

but thats until I see myself then its like ~hide under the covers and dwell on the list of things I hate about myself~

in the saddest times wishing and hoping for some kind of magic to solve the problem, zap zap ^-^ better, jk I know it will never be like that but I can day dream.

I've been trying to accept things more, my mind has been racing and I've lost some sleep, but it comes down to I'm stuck in a rut right now and I'm too scared to make a leap

without something to fall back on, if that makes sense.

there is a small vain side that I don't like but I don't want to be just passing, I want to be purrrrfect its a bit on the darker side I know but I want to do the best I can deep down

~ I've started a blog to try and get it all out of my system, I thought it would be a good step for myself and my family" I could share with them someday"

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Brea,

You do not have to thank me for the links.

All of us here Support, Care and Love you and want you happy.

My happiness comes from knowing that the links were helpful to you.

Here are 2 more links for you:

How to develop Self Esteem http://www.wikihow.com/Develop-Self-Esteem

How to build Self-Confidence http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Self-Confidence

How to feel beautiful http://www.wikihow.com/Feel-Beautiful

Again I hope they are of some help to you.

Hugs,

Carla

[Guest Brea]

I love these very much they are adorable,

I'm trying hard really I am to make the right steps and be brave

I might be holding myself back since I can focus on the negative more

but I may be protecting myself also

lots of ebil people and hypocrites

I don't want to but I care too much how others see me,

I'm going to try to read them all everyday

and try to be braver,

~hugs~

I have to thank you ^-^ because I am thankful.

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Brea,

You do not have to thank me. All of us here work together to provide Support, Care and Love for you hoping to make your Journey Easier.

I am providing a link to MY Introduction. http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=56381&hl=

Hopefully, after reading my Introduction, you will feel better about your own problem.

I have also provided some additional links for you to read

How to be happy with who you are. http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Happy-with-Who-You-Are

How to cope with Gender Dysphoria http://www.wikihow.com/Cope-With-Gender-Dysphoria

How to Transition MTF http://www.wikihow.com/Transition-for-MTF

Things Will get better. Also, as WeightWatchers says "Believe, It Works"

Hugs,

Carla