Great Day! Horrible Night. Rollercoaster ride continues

[Guest DianeATL]

I was so looking forward to today. A TG friend was going to give me tips and help with my make up and then we were going shopping for some casual every day clothes for me. It would be my first trip out in broad daylight, I had confined my previous outings to the safety of the darkness.

The make up session went great and then the shopping was fabulous. Another TG joined us and we went to a Thrift store and she helped me pick out things that she thought would fit and look good on me. My arms were overloaded with great stuff. Then I went to the dressing room and started trying things on. I was shocked when she had picked size 8-10 jeans for me and they fit perfectly. That made a girl feel good. Everything was fitting so well and a couple of times I had to do a double take in the mirror, there was a pretty girl looking back at me. I stood and stared for a few minutes to soak it up..

I left the store with a big bag of new casual clothes for under $50. I was so happy. The girls invited me to go to a dinner group that they were going to but unfortunately while I was having fun, some hot potatoes were being passed to me at work so I had to decline to take care some urgent business. Piling on to my disappointment, because of where I live and it being daylight, I would need to change back into that guy before I left.

When I went to the bathroom to wash up, I paused again to view that girl looking back at me. I ran downstairs and got her to take some photos of me before I changed. (which I will post once I get them)

I went back upstairs and when I removed my hair, I almost lost it. I was so crushed, disappointed, hurt, resentful, PO'd, beaten, .. . .I can't find enough words to describe the free fall of emotion. I knew if I paused for even a minute I would be in there sitting and crying for some time so I hurried about my business of putting on my every day mask and left as soon as I could pack up my stuff. There was no shame or feelings like that, it was pure heartache that I had to wash myself down that sink and leave her there.

The good news, another baby step in my journey and now I have a wardrobe to go anywhere comfortably. The bad news is the rollercoaster goes down too, at a terrifying rate of speed. I am coping with all of the love and support that those of you at this site give me daily. The journey may be slow but it continues.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

I'm sorry to hear that such a great day was followed by such an emotionally down moment. But the further a long in your transition you go you should have less times like this where you have to go back to the male mode. The best thing I can suggest right now is cherish the positive memories you gained from the day and move past the bad.

Hugs,

Sarah

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Diane,

Sorry to hear that you had such a rollercoaster day.

Things will get better.

Enjoy the good days one day at a time, and try and forget the sad ones.

Hugs,

Carla

[Guest Mia J]

It gets better as you go. Take the joyous times and hold them close and don't let the rest ruin what you have.

Mia

[Guest raynedrops224]

You were definitely right when you said you saw a pretty girl looking back at you! You are absolutely gorgeous, and I can't wait for the day you make a post about not having to put that silly mask back on. I wish you all the best in your transition, and hope that your journey only gets easier down the road.

<3 Nicole

[Guest Kaylee234]

It wasn't too long ago that I also felt incapable of going out as myself. There were many nights I'd get home from work, take off the boy suit, get into me clothes and try some new makeup shade combinations when I'd get a call from a friend asking if I wanted to go out. Oh, the dilemma of deciding whether to stay home as me or put all that effort back into getting into the boy suit again!

These days, there is no boy suit. It was a gradual change, and it took months, but now there is just me. And when I get that call there is no dilemma.

We all go through this process, I think. The day will come for you, too. If you want it.

~ Kay

[Guest Kontessa]

Diane,

I think we have all been on the that rollercoaster ride - the wonderful highs and the trerrible lows. Remember that after every low there is a new high to enjoy. As the ride winds down - as in life - it gets better and easier to handle.

Hope eye doctor's appointment went well today.

GOOD LUCK and many hugs and best wishes to you, and your loved one!

Kontessa

[Guest]

A hugg and a shoulder for you Girl.

The day will come when you can be yourself full time.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest ~Emmie~]

I'm not there yet, either. Presenting as male 85% of the time. There are still days when I feel like screaming at the girls in the malls and on the streets- WHY CAN'T I JUST BE YOU?! DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD YOU HAVE IT TO JUST BE YOURSELF?

It's gonna come.

-Em

[Guest DianeATL]

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. Just a hug knowing someone understands and cares means so much. The LP community is the best!

[KathrynJulia]

Oh Diane:

You are playing many folks swan song. Yes, I too sang that old song once upon a time. Now it's full time 24/7. It won't be long now as you are feeling it to and the day is coming when you change those boy clothes for the last time. Mine are all gratefully donated to Good Will. I drove away, and screamed yes, yes, yes. Your time is coming.

Kathryn

[Guest DianeATL]

The coaster is chugging back up and I think I found a coping mechanism to curb the free falls. Last night after a great night I was determined to ease down without popping the balloon. So I changed my routine. Instead of standing in front of a mirror in full girl mode and removing my hair, I removed all of my girl stuff away from a mirror so that by the time I went to remove my make up, there was a boy with make up standing there and it was much easier. It was the sudden dramatic change of pulling off the hair in the mirror that sent the shockwaves through me. I don't want to witness the transformation back.

[VickySGV]

That is a great ploy for the "decompression" as I always called it, in fact, just take off the makeup in the shower without even looking at yourself in the mirror works too!!

[Guest DianeATL]

Thanks Vicky - even better idea. I also like the decompression term, kind of like coming up too fast from a deep dive. I need to avoid the bends. ;-)