Not sure which road to take *triggers*

[Guest SamIThinkIAm]

Hey guys,

I figured this is the place to come and I apologize if this gets anyone triggered or upset.

With that in mind guys, you've been warned, so here we go.

I just dunno what to do man.

I just dunno where to go.

I had to stop binding (cysts all over my chest) and some schtuff has come to light.

I feel like I need to transition....but at the same time it feels like I'm busting out of one box to go into another one.

Which to be honest, it's a lot cheaper and less wear and tear and hassle on my existing body to leave it the way it is if I'm still gonna end up feeling scorned and an outsider freak on the other side anyway.

Fact 1: Transition has some spooky concerns for my health.

I don't see myself being able to afford top surgery and getting the plumbing pulled out before/soon after starting T, so I've got boobs and a vulva that are being poisoned by levels of T that my body isn't designed to run on. I'm not down for cancer or other risks. I've got a family history heart disease (like the spooky drop dead at 40 kind)...T makes this worse.

Fact 2: I don't want to get that 'transguy' look.

As I've looked more and more a lot of transguys get this 'look' to them. That scraggly beard, pot belly balding look.

Not down man, not down. I like my hair, and if the only way I can be the guy inside of this body is to be him after twenty years of marriage in his 40's....screw that.

Fact 3: T will not fix me.

Guys, lets be real for a minute here, ok? This dude here is five feet tall with a disability and I've not got the motivation or the physical ability to be a gym rat. A lean, tanned, tall, strong adonis ain't gonna come pouring out of this body no matter how many needles I jab myself with.

And for real, I don't wanna be Danny DeVito.

T will not make me what I am inside....maybe some sort of version of it, but it still isn't going to fix that the guy inside will NOT match the dude in the mirror.

Fact 4: Transguy culture and expectations

I hate this and honestly, its even more off-putting than chick culture sometimes.

I didn't fight one box to put myself in another. I find that transpeople as a whole end up acting out and rigidly upholding so many stupid stupid stereotypical gender roles. I don't need my gender questioned just because I don't do the 'transguy' thing wherein I rock a buzzcut and you won't catch me dead wearing nail polish and they all get that 'bro culture' gotta work out look at me I'm hella ripped thing going on, some out of insecurity.

Look, I'm either a really butch chick or a really girly dude.

I don't need people challenging my trans status just because I don't do the typical 'transguy gotta be a stereotypical guy to be accepted by the cis guys' thing.

I still like musicals, nail polish and scarves---heck I *want* the muscled body precisely so I can feel comfortable painting my nails and whatever in a pair of cargo shorts and a t-shirt...can't get me to do that in a dress or in a feminine body.

Fact 5: I'm not looking for an in to the cis/non-queer community

I don't *want* to ever pass so much that I'm not seen as trans or queer in some aspect. That's my community. I'm not trying to join the cis/non-queer crowd. If I transition 100% I lose my membership card to the one place I feel safe, accepted and welcome and understood. People that I can talk with. True, I don't identify with the word 'lesbian'....but straight guy is even worse.

Fact 6: I'm hella genderqueer----like I saw the binary borderline, broke it and kept on running.

I'm not 'a man' and I never want to be 'a man'----I want a more male body and I don't like being referred to with female pronouns. I'm male, yeah, but not a man. A dude, a guy yeah, a man...never. What exactly that difference is *shrugs* who knows.

If I had to pick one box over the other yeah I'd pick man, but I'm trying to get out of boxes.

Fact 7: I hate surgery and I want a healthy body.

I've had way too much surgery. I'm full of scars as it is and parts of my body that are numb.

I don't want no sensation in my chest, or a vagina that's always dry, sore and infected.

Especially when hey, they can't make me into the guy I am inside on the outside.

So why spend all that cash and suffering and risks...

Especially when my dysphoria centers around not looking like I do inside and being disabled, but they can't fix that with the methods they have now....so I'd still be dysphoric.

At this point I'm debating taking T for a little while, getting a little more masculine in my face and deepen my voice.

After that, I want to stop.

I don't want to risk cancer, I don't want to lose my hair or get fatter. I don't want the heart disease risk.

As for building muscle, I've got some really good genetics so thats not a factor for me.

Man, this turned into a whole lot of bleh and rambling thoughts.

My apologies if I set anyone off and seemed like a jerk.

[VickySGV]

Each and every one of us is different, and ideally we should be able to proudly show our differences to an accepting world. No one person is the "poster child" for a category included in the whole realm of the gender variant people. You need to answer the calls in your own life. Be aware though that changes do happen throughout our lives and our ideal of today is our low place at another time.

[JJ]

Hi Sam

Almost everything you have been saying and feeling is very familiar to me. A place I have been. On much of it the answers lie withing you. And are choices only you can make.

1. Since I have Lupus as well as being a DES baby with more than 40 times greater cancer risk than the normal population I was concerned. Then there is the fact that on my father's side of the family sudden death from heart failure has meant that no one for generations back has made it even within 10 years of my age. My bio father died at 48 of sudden heart failure, For myself I decided it was worth the risk and my last checkup was the best-and only completely normal -one of my life. My body was meant for T and functions better on it. To be fair there is a lot of evidence I was born dual sexed and had revision as an infant before they knew to do genetic tests but I have heard other trans men who felt better. Stress also takes a huge toll on the heart as well as general health and living in the wrong gender for who we are is to me about as stressful as you can get.

2. This worried me as well as my thinking why bother to transition when I would end up a broken old man rather than a broken old woman. Something made me realize that didn't have to be. I didn't have to look like any of the pot bellied old men I saw or continue to be crippled perhaps. T makes rebuilding muscles far easier and adds strength. Truthfully I didn't believe balding was an issue since no one in my family has ever been bald. I do have hair loss-not bald but receding more than I ever thought. One day when stressing about it I realized I'd rather be bald as an egg man than a beautiful woman. now I look and shrug. But no pot belly. I'm fit and get hit on by women half my age frequently. Most people think I am my daughter's husband when we are together and I am 30 years older than she is. Usual thing people say is they think I am 20 years younger than I am at most. Maybe I have a transguy look but if so it's working for me.

3, True T won;t fix you completely but for me at least I can live my life as a man and look in the mirror and see someone who feels like me (with clothes on at least) and I even sound right to me. I feel connected to my body for the first time since I was 11 years old. I was on the outside a beautiful woman when I was young but for me it was like making a portrait or doll as an artistic expression and not me. Compliments always made me proud of the result but deeply uncomfortable with the reality that it wasn't somehow me. And if the current research is right-which I suspect it is-and we have basic hormone imbalances because our brains are configured for hormones they do not get in sufficient quantities till we go one hormones-then T will make you feel right in a way that is almost indescribable for the first time. I though the reports of that feeling were a sort of placebo effect and was stunned at how pervasive the feeling actually is. It also caused my lifelong depression to eventually disappear. Now I still have down days sometimes like everyone else but they don't last for months or years anymore-just hours or days. I had been diagnosed as having a condition where my brain chemistry didn't go back to normal or reset when upset or stressed. Was on antidepressants over 30 years and now I don't need them in spite of non trans things in my life being the most challenging and stressful I have ever faced. T won't make you who you wish you were but it can make you feel a whole lot better about who you are. It also changed my outlook in ways I never expected and for the first time I like how exercise feels-it is physically really different-but those things are mostly gradual and actually liberating. The libido thing I won't go into but that is a big effect too for some. Was for me.

4.. You get to pick who you are and where you fit in.I have said here many times that I did not do this to leave one prison for another. I make some concessions but more to age than gender. I did find how I like to express myself in some clothes and such did change some as I transitioned. I always liked jewelry and long hair but knew they would interfere with the transition my family needed to make in how they saw me so I did cut my hair-a way I like it though and no buzz for me. And found I actually like some stainless guy rings and jewelry. In time I realized I didn't miss what I thought I was giving up. But I wear what I want and when I want. It's who I am. Actually prefer a sort of rock look but have worn the same kinds of jeans and tees most of the time when at home all my life. The more I transition the more free I feel. I also exercised but because I like the strength and to help fill in the loose skin from an extreme weight loss. Not to be buff or macho. There is no way to prove you are a man by putting on an act. I am who and what I am and that is that. Also seems to work because I am never misgendered. I'm a man. A man with an unusual situation and history I disclose when necessary but that is all. I'm not out to prove it-it is just me. My SIL kept saying "A real man....." when he got here. I finally turned to him and said "I never heard a real man use that phrase and anyone who had to prove it isn't nor do I want to be the kind of redneck jerk you keep talking about.". Shut him up too. You can still be you. Have to be in fact to be happy.

5 and 6. These are completely in your control. Your presentation is up to you. There are plenty of ways to express yourself without fitting into any box. Be who you are. My only advise is to remain open to it as you transition if you do. Sometimes how we want to express ourselves does change but you will still be fundamentally you. As long as you give yourself permission to be, And I hate labels for us. They just dont fit or apply. In what sense as a pre-op do I apply what terms? Only I can define me and I deny labels for the most part. I'm just too complex for that

7. Ditto. Your choice. I am pre-op and hope for chest next year-bottom isn't an option but I still consider myself transitioned. How far you go and what suits you best is your choice. Just do what you need to feel and live like yourself. No one else can or should say what that is.

I would walk through hell or starve to pay for it if necessary because T has made my life more than I ever dreamed it could be. But that is me and my story. Each of us is unique. The physical changes are not up to you but how far you go and how you express them is if you decide on T. I hope you find the answers that best fit you

Johnny

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Sam,

I have tried to reply to your post a couple of times, but I have been thwarted by technical issues.

What I have been trying to say is that any and all decisions about yourself and your life are entirely yours to make.

Never feel pressured to do anything that you don't feel is right for you.

No explanation is required.

Be proud and comfortable with who you are and what works for you.

Respectfully,

Brenda