Questioning my Drinking

[Guest ~Emmie~]

Let me preface by saying; I am not an alcoholic. However, I have great propensity to be one. Much of my father's immediate family were die-hard boozers, including his father, his brothers, and his mother- although one of my uncles managed to recover- and my father, through I suspect great perseverance and despite working a job that had the potential to be pretty hellish some days (former state-trooper, 25-years and retired) manged to keep clear of any alcoholic beverages of any kind.

I got a pretty stern upbringing surrounding drugs and alcohol, which was demolished my first and second years of college. I've grown well out of binge drinking, and now only socially drink at parties, 1-3 drinks typically; yet I still find myself, every couple of months (more recently since I've come out as trans) buying a six-pack and killing it within a couple hours. Tonight, I went and bought a sixer of Brooklyn's Brown Ale, and am slowly but surely drinking with a kind of measured ferocity. I'm 5'5, 168 lbs, and it pretty much only takes me 1-2 beers to get a nice buzz. And it's been my observation that, when a few drinks in, I continue to drink past a reasonable stopping point (typically, 8-10 drinks if I'm really in a lousy mood, and want to escape my brain). So, here's my question:

I know it's partially my dysphoria, and partially my love for good beer- likely, a great part of it is my dysphoria, because alcohol and pot take my mind off not only my bursts of stress from my OCD and GID, but also my inability to find constant work at the moment- but, in your opinion, how much is too much?

-Em

P.S: I'm aware that a question like this gives me a "red-flag" for alcohol abuse on a forum like this. I'm just stressing, and using the occasional binging to help. I really think my goals at weight loss help curb my drinking; but tonight, was just a night I needed a few bottles.

[VickySGV]

For me and a few others here at the Playground, the answer is "one beer is too much" and "a THOUSAND beers are never enough."

The question is though, are you managing the drinking, or is the drinking managing you? Its a yes to second part of the question that says your drinking is out of your control and is taking over your life, and your ability to manage that life by yourself grows less and less. I am an alcoholic because I have acknowledged to myself and at least one other person that I am powerless over my ablility to control alcohol, it is interfering deeply with my life, I need the help of something greater than myself to regain control. (Step 1 of Alcoholics Anonymous) You have not clearly done that, so I accept your statement that you are not an alcoholic, because I have, and you have not, taken the first step to recovery from alcohol addiction. To me, it is the choice of the person for whom alcohol is or is becoming a serious problem over whether they are an alcoholic, or just an alcohol abuser/addict.

The way you are talking here is that you are realizing the hold the alcohol is gaining in your life. If you can quit using the alcohol by yourself and go on to counseling for your GD, then you are fine. Can you just put it down and use the more effective methods of dealing with the GD? I would say, give it a try, but if you can't, then I think you know the answer and are ready to get some help.

On Sunday nights at 9PM Eastern Time we have an AA/NA Chat over in the Substance Abuse AA/NA Chat Room over in, of course Laura's Chat and we take people wherever they are in both addiction (from non addict to Recovering Addict) and TG and just talk about what is going on where alcohol and other drugs have intersected with our Gender Dysphoria wherever we are there. One of our regulars is a close neighbor of yours based on your state flag.

This is a link to my introduction to the Alcohol Forums here two years ago http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=33881 which gives you an idea of the part alcohol has played in my life, and the wonderful chance that confronting my alcoholism gave me. I have lost nothing by declaring myself to be an Alcoholic, and in recovery have gained a life I could only despair of dreaming for 5 years ago.

[Guest ~Emmie~]

I think I'm curbing the spending- 10$ every few weeks doesn't seem like quite so much- but, I'm aware I have to be careful, that after I start working full-time again, not to spend more than I need to on the drink. I think its my romanticism with it; I love the taste of good beer, both English/Irish imports and stateside microbrews, but when I'm really drinking, I relish the control I feel, ingesting that which lessens my heartbreak at not being the girl I feel I am,

I adore the feeling of losing control, of not having to worry 24/7 about what I'm not doing correctly- and just feeling, for an evening, that I could achieve everything I wish. I think I sometimes I might come off as a self-confident, angry trans-chick on the forums, but really, I'm just terrified of not passing, and horribly insecure about myself as a pre-HRT trans-person. I am so afraid that HRT will do nothing for me. And the bottle helps it.

Because, as long as I wake up the next morning sober, this could all be some horrible dream. I'm not trans; I'm not a girl, inside; and nothing will ever change.

Yeah. Right. I think I might dip into the support group. Thank you, Vicky- I see you as one of the best possible role-models on the forums. Maybe you're right. I'll try it, at least. Someday.

-Em

[VickySGV]

We will look forward to having you with us.

I went from the then very good tasting beers and ales you mention over to a total rot gut malt liquor with the worst taste, but boy did it kick your rear end with ethanol. Even every now and then I wish I could have the tastes of the art beers, but quickly call for help if they start seeming too good to pass up. I know what I personally have now though and would not trade it for the flavor sensations.

[Michelle 2010]

One of the simplest descriptions of a problem drinker or alcoholic was stated by John Larequette, an actor on Night Court, many years ago while on a late night talk show.. He simply said that most people don't spend alot of time thinking about their drinking habits. If you think you may have a problem, you probably do.... I thought about my drinking patterns for many years, trying to "manage" my consumption.

The primary book of AA, which can probably be read on line, or is available at any AA meeting free or at minimal charge, states that in the life of every alcoholic there probably was a time when he could have stopped on his own. Unfortunately, for the true alcoholic, by the time he realizes he is in trouble its too late to stop through will power alone. There exists a period where we go from being a heavy drinker to an alcoholic, and once there, need strength that must be obtained from an outside source.

For me, when I stopped drinking when I was still only a heavy drinker, a problem would occur. I found that I could manage my emotions better with a couple drinks. I was more relaxed, friendlier and rarely edgy or testy with people when slightly medicated. I never knew how to get rid of the restless feelings I had when sober. So I always went back to drinking. I then got to the place where i couldn't stop even if i wanted to.

Today I have learned how to live a happier life when sober because of AA. I don't need to be irritable or discontent because I can't drink anymore

Best wishes and hope to see you in chat.

Hugs

Michelle

[Charlize]

Emmie, You have made a big step just thinking you might have a problem. For me and many i know things just got worse until there was no way i could get control. It came little by little step by step and then i was powerless. You may be before that point of no return but confronting it now may save you from a lifetime of hell and possible death. In the rooms of AA there are pamphlets that describe drinking and speak to the topic if whether you do or do not have a problem with alcohol. You might do well to hit a meeting in real time and i also hope you will stop by here on Sunday.

Hugs,

Charlie