Thoughts And Feelings... Sos

[Guest MrAwesome]

I keep thinking more and more lately. I've been realizing how much of a man I really am, my mom, has always told me that I'm obviously a girl, that was her excuse all the times I asked her to refer to me as a guy, no one in society would accept it... It was like a put down every time telling me everybody knows I'm a girl and no one would think I was a guy...

But now, I'm starting to see that physically, everything from my voice, to my upper body, to my lower limbs, I don't look feminine. and my personality, I've been going as a guy on the internet since I was 12. I'm 15 now. No one has once called me gay, or said I was gender queer. (well without them being an immature kid that called everyone gay as an insult). More and more I realize I should have been a man, I put on a packer for the 1st time last night, and it felt so natural it's like it should have been there all along. I've started shaving lately, and I don't even cut myself, but I still do a really good job. and there's a few other stuff too that I don't feel like mentioning cause it's like 4am and I wanna get to bed soon.... It's just like living like this is coming so natural to me... and if feels good...

But it's just been torturing me lately... just feeling even more separated from my body... and wondering how I could have been born like this? And then to make it worse, I started my period today. I have 8-12 more months of this. T_T and the worse part is my mom don't know that I've even ever had one, and there's no way I'm telling her I have. and I can't have any specific supplies around cause if she find them it'd be suspicious. So I basically have bounty paper towels stuffed in my crotch till it stops.

It's good that I'm so much of a guy.... Just I'm feeling more miserable about being in the wrong body, It's almost unbearable for me... I NEED something, some advice, c'mon help me out guys be creative...

~ SOS, Lewis Ray

[Guest leo]

ray your right about the period thing its the worst thing even known to man!

and we dont know y we are born in the wrong body, god made a mistak or something

i still think u need to get the proper stuff for your period though, it will be hygenic and comfy etc

you pass a lot more then a lot of people so you got nothing to worry about plus your 15 you got your whole life ahead of ya

[Guest leo]

ray your right about the period thing its the worst thing even known to man!

and we dont know y we are born in the wrong body, god made a mistak or something

i still think u need to get the proper stuff for your period though, it will be hygenic and comfy etc

you pass a lot more then a lot of people so you got nothing to worry about plus your 15 you got your whole life ahead of ya

[Guest MrAwesome]

Thx Leo, C'mon guys help.

[Guest Jackson]

I didn't reply before because I really didn't have a good idea, but here goes. From what it sounds like, the biggest thing is that you have to get these feelings of disparity out. I was the same way last year.

The only two things that I can think of that might make it easier is to get a therapist that specializes in gender. Then you'll have a sounding board for all of these feelings and some good professional advice on how to make things easier until you can start the process. If this is not an option, start a journal. Get all of the feelings down on paper. You'll feel better once you get them out.

I hope this helps at least a little bit.

[Guest Zack L]

I also suggest getting real period stuff -- as much as I hate it, it makes life much easier. I actually prefer tampons because then I can pretend that I don't have it, instead of walking around with a diaper on all day. Also be thankful you got it so late -- I got mine horrifically early, when I was 12. Fail body is fail.

I like to think that who/whatever is in charge of the universe did this for a reason -- this will make me stronger, more compassionate, than most biomales could ever be, because they haven't gone through troubles such as this. This is my trail to, both literally and metaphorically, make me into a man.

I can relate to feeling such hatred for your body, your situation. I think all of us here can. My Mom is unsupportive, we just had an hour and half talk about this and I feel like crap and kinda hopeless right now. But you just gotta hang in there, keep your eyes on the goal. One way I tried to explain to my Mom that I don't care about society is by telling her that no matter what anyone else does to me, be it mental or physical abuse, transitioning would be worth it, because that pain could never reach what's coming from hiding. I've been mentally, emotionally, and physically abused before (the last not to a great extent) and she knows that -- I think maybe my telling her that will help, dunno, no sign so far. You might try telling your parents something similar if that's how you feel.

Things will never be perfect, but they CAN get better. We just have to hold to that truth.

Hope you feel a bit better now. =3

--Zack

[Guest Zabrak]

I like to think that who/whatever is in charge of the universe did this for a reason -- this will make me stronger, more compassionate, than most biomales could ever be, because they haven't gone through troubles such as this. This is my trail to, both literally and metaphorically, make me into a man.

You're a smart man, Zack, I'll have to agree with this. I think everything we have to face through our changing is a test to make us stronger. That doesn't mean if you get sad about things you fail the test, it just means you're a human being. Just remember - you can take it and move on, as hard as it may be.

[Guest MrAwesome]

I also suggest getting real period stuff -- as much as I hate it, it makes life much easier. I actually prefer tampons because then I can pretend that I don't have it, instead of walking around with a diaper on all day. Also be thankful you got it so late -- I got mine horrifically early, when I was 12. Fail body is fail.

I like to think that who/whatever is in charge of the universe did this for a reason -- this will make me stronger, more compassionate, than most biomales could ever be, because they haven't gone through troubles such as this. This is my trail to, both literally and metaphorically, make me into a man.

I can relate to feeling such hatred for your body, your situation. I think all of us here can. My Mom is unsupportive, we just had an hour and half talk about this and I feel like crap and kinda hopeless right now. But you just gotta hang in there, keep your eyes on the goal. One way I tried to explain to my Mom that I don't care about society is by telling her that no matter what anyone else does to me, be it mental or physical abuse, transitioning would be worth it, because that pain could never reach what's coming from hiding. I've been mentally, emotionally, and physically abused before (the last not to a great extent) and she knows that -- I think maybe my telling her that will help, dunno, no sign so far. You might try telling your parents something similar if that's how you feel.

Things will never be perfect, but they CAN get better. We just have to hold to that truth.

Hope you feel a bit better now. =3

--Zack

Well I didn't start it late, I've had them since I was 13... Dec.16 06... and thx

[Guest Zack L]

Ahh, I misunderstood, your phrasing made me think that you'd only just gotten it. Glad I could help. ^^

And Zabrak -- exactly. A favorite song lyric of mine goes "Failures are fliers who touch down, only they know what it's like to leave the ground." I think that's pretty accurate. =3

[Guest leo]

you think 15 is late i started at 16!

[Guest Microt]

Man, I'm sorry, I'd imagine a lot of us have been through a lot of the same sort of thing. My parents are the last in the world to support me, half of me is grimly accepted the chance they'll toss me from the house when I do eventually come out to them. Over all I'm one of the most bitter people you'll meet about having the wrong gender. But man, that Zack guy's a genius, the best thing you can really do is stick it out and talk to people who will really hear and listen to you. I've never had any sort of support system before aside from my younger sis and I'd already connected the dots for a good deal of years. If it helps, I'm working on some sort of story in my spare time or whenever I get too frustrated that has a lot to do with those feelings and stick it in there. Yea, heck I know sounds gay, but sometimes that or drawing, running, watching a game or some other outlet can really help out, man. Just anything to get the stress out somewhere.

Agh. Also similarly I'd suggest sneaking out with some bucks at Walgreens or some similar place...geez, as awful as that can be. Gosh, sorry dude, I'm sure a lot of us relate to that one; just remember there'll be a day you won't have to go through these every month anymore and from everything I've seen here you'll always have the support here.

Hey, if you ever want to talk or hang out or something, I'm around a lot of the time on MSN; though I don't know how much that helps your situation, I'm sorry for that much. But hey, I know a friendly banter or someone willing to listen can be worth it a lot of the times, right?

[Guest MrAwesome]

Man, I'm sorry, I'd imagine a lot of us have been through a lot of the same sort of thing. My parents are the last in the world to support me, half of me is grimly accepted the chance they'll toss me from the house when I do eventually come out to them. Over all I'm one of the most bitter people you'll meet about having the wrong gender. But man, that Zack guy's a genius, the best thing you can really do is stick it out and talk to people who will really hear and listen to you. I've never had any sort of support system before aside from my younger sis and I'd already connected the dots for a good deal of years. If it helps, I'm working on some sort of story in my spare time or whenever I get too frustrated that has a lot to do with those feelings and stick it in there. Yea, heck I know sounds gay, but sometimes that or drawing, running, watching a game or some other outlet can really help out, man. Just anything to get the stress out somewhere.

Agh. Also similarly I'd suggest sneaking out with some bucks at Walgreens or some similar place...geez, as awful as that can be. Gosh, sorry dude, I'm sure a lot of us relate to that one; just remember there'll be a day you won't have to go through these every month anymore and from everything I've seen here you'll always have the support here.

Hey, if you ever want to talk or hang out or something, I'm around a lot of the time on MSN; though I don't know how much that helps your situation, I'm sorry for that much. But hey, I know a friendly banter or someone willing to listen can be worth it a lot of the times, right?

how do I contact you on MSN???

[Guest Jackson]

Yeah. How do we? I've got info for you, Microt.

[Guest Evan_J]

The experience of dysphoria, as well as its severity is different for everyone. And, if the choice to prefer the toweling over the "correct items" is because of the way those items cause you feel in terms of gender then I can undestand how you feel. I'm not saying that anyone else is "wrong" for saying buy such and such, but I am saying that I understand you. For me it was just that severe and it stayed that severe and it was why I opted to have those organs removed before anything else surgically on my body. I am sorry you are suffering this. I spent .......I can't even remember how many years trying to understand how somebody else could be just as transgendered as me and manage and cope with that whole process so much better and I never understood it. I know, you thought at some point because of my age (40) that I "figured it out" /"came to understand"? ...nope. You still do better than me cuz I still can't even bring myself to write out the word There was no more horrible, horrifying, sickening, humiliating, demeaning, and insulting to me process than that. Like I said, I do feel sorry for you.

Definately get a gender therapist. And however much you can stand to journal in a notebook do that too. (I never kept up with journals but they did make me feel good a little for the page or two I wrote lol)

Other than that just know there's individuals who have had your thoughts before. I don't have MSN or I'd offer it. But if messaging helps then message.

[Guest MrAwesome]

The experience of dysphoria, as well as its severity is different for everyone. And, if the choice to prefer the toweling over the "correct items" is because of the way those items cause you feel in terms of gender then I can undestand how you feel. I'm not saying that anyone else is "wrong" for saying buy such and such, but I am saying that I understand you. For me it was just that severe and it stayed that severe and it was why I opted to have those organs removed before anything else surgically on my body. I am sorry you are suffering this. I spent .......I can't even remember how many years trying to understand how somebody else could be just as transgendered as me and manage and cope with that whole process so much better and I never understood it. I know, you thought at some point because of my age (40) that I "figured it out" /"came to understand"? ...nope. You still do better than me cuz I still can't even bring myself to write out the word There was no more horrible, horrifying, sickening, humiliating, demeaning, and insulting to me process than that. Like I said, I do feel sorry for you.

Definately get a gender therapist. And however much you can stand to journal in a notebook do that too. (I never kept up with journals but they did make me feel good a little for the page or two I wrote lol)

Other than that just know there's individuals who have had your thoughts before. I don't have MSN or I'd offer it. But if messaging helps then message.

I feel the exact same way, but I know that everyone here understands, they've been through it. So it's not as big a deal here...