You Won't............, You Can't............., You'll Never......

[JJ]

We so fear and so often talk about those words from others. Sometimes we even let our fear of hearing them keep us from moving forward with our lives or doing something we need to do.

It occurred to me today that in my long life I have seldom heard those words said to me and didn't let them change me or my life. Except from myself.

My fear is not that someone else will feel that way. It is that somehow it will BE that way. It is my own belief in those words that give them power.

Even when they are said by someone we love they can't really define us or stop us unless we also believe them and stop ourselves.

And I believe no matter how secure we seem and how well we are handling our lives and transitions those words..those fears... have whispered in all our hearts and minds. What matters and what gives them their fearsome power is what we do about it. We can look them in the face and answer back, we can redirect them into a fear of rejection by others or we can buy into them and loathe ourselves all the more for it.

Those words will always whisper in my mind when things get hard or dark but I will answer I have........, I will........, and I am........ And go right on doing. Because I know my greatest enemy is within and I will not give him the power to darken or damage my life. It is a choice.

Johnny

[Drea]

Sticks and stones....

With good self esteem words of others like these can't hurt and always something to work for. Fact is esteem issues tend to come with the territory.

An interesting exercise is to not look at what someone says but rather why are they saying what they are. Now that is an entirely speculative exercise and there are almost always multiple possibilities. Sometimes there are things that could be learned. Sometimes there are opportunities to clarify. Sometimes there is opportunity to see beyond what generates a defensive reaction, beyond something that feels negative to some positive.

When a family member says "you won't ever..." whatever it is, say it is "be a woman" to a MTF as an example. Well why might they say that? First, maybe it comes from a place of caring, so they don't believe you can, but they care. I score that as positive. Maybe their motivation is to be vindictive and hurt you, okay that scores as negative. Maybe they intend to hurt you but it is because they are hurting because they are experiencing a loss (part of an acceptance process). The long and short of it, maybe what seems negative, has some element behind it to be hopeful.

As JJ says a good healthy self dialog is a good thing.

[JJ]

Thank you for your reply

True but my point was more about our negatives to ourselves than from others except as our self dialog affectss that and that affects our self dialoge. So many times what we hear and what we fear is coming from within far more than from without.

The negatives from others in my lifetime put together don't equal what I have said or thought deep inside about myself in a week -or less. And often my fear of someone else saying it and reaction when they do is because some part of me is saying or fearing it may be true.

And that we can control. We give words their power regardless of their intent by our own reactions and can make a real difference in their impact on our lives and relationships by how we handle them.

But the most important thing is to recognize them in ourselves and refuse to buy into or own the doubts.

I can transition-I have, I will do this and I will succeed at it and I AM a man.

No matter what anyone else says and no matter what the whispers from the dark places within. And I think we all hear those whispers sometimes even when we can see and know beyond doubt they are not true we still fear them..

johnny