Late to the realization, getting to know myself

[Guest JayGray]

Hello everyone. I'm really not sure what to do about my new realization. Thinking about it, I more and more realize that it's always been there, but 30 seems like a rather late time in one's life for it to finally click. I now know that I want to be a woman, but I don't know how far I want to, or am willing to, make that transition. What I do know is that simply accepting my own feelings has begun making me feel better. Heck, the day after talking to my wife about it, I already felt better.

I'm not ready to tell the world. I've been barely ready to talk to some of my LGBT friends whom I knew would be understanding. Frankly, some have been too understanding, and haven't helped much in helping me understand my feelings. I suppose I'm still in that stage of looking for validation.

So where am I coming from, and what brought me here? As my 30th birthday approached, I found myself more and more depressed. I started retreating from my friends, spending time online reading or writing. I've always wrote predominantly female characters, and I've gravitated towards fiction with female protagonists. I suppose I related to them more.

One day rather recently, I stumbled upon a webcomic starring a trans-female. I ended up staying up all night reading it. Every page I flipped through, my heart ached. The next day, I was in a daze. Sure, fiction can affect you, I'm aware of that. But as I dwelled upon it more, it started to make sense. And as I entertained the notion, I started to feel better.

Now I'm left wondering how far I want to take this. If I could push a button and irrevocably change myself, I would, in a heartbeat, no questions asked. I'd be worried about surgery, due to time, money, and complications. I'm worried about whether or not I could pull it off, as I'm 6'1" and rather broadly built. I work for a very accepting company, and I know there are other trans* people there, so at least that's not a worry. I want to try out some makeup, wear a wig (I used to wear my hair long before I had to cut it for work), wax my arms and legs, and just see how I feel about myself.

So, here I am. I'm me. I'm an emotional and intellectual wreck right now, but at least I'm not depressed. I don't have much in the way of dysmorphia, except when I look at my face. I don't know where I'm going, but I am sure you all here will be of help.

Thanks for being here.

[Guest]

Hello JayGray,

Welcome to Laura's Playground! I'm very glad that you've come here, and do hope that you find this site as informative and helpful as I did. I assume that you've already been browsing the Forum, if you find you have questions, please ask!

Don't consider yourself too old (I was in my late 50's when I had that same realization) or too big (my two best friends would make you seem small by comparison). But, you do get to make the choices - whether to transition or not is a big decision, and there are other paths. You can cross that bridge when the time comes.

In the meantime, I'd suggest that you find a Gender Therapist (Laura's main page lists many) and possibly seek out a local support group as well - they're handy for finding local resources like therapists and trans-friendly businesses.

The idea of experimenting is wonderful, a good way to find your comfort zone, get an idea of what you need.

Best of luck to you!

Love, Megan

(PS - we do require that everyone read the Terms and Conditions - it's to keep us all safe, particularly the youth of the Forum - If you haven't, please read them. Thank you!)

[Cyndee]

Hi Jaygray and welcome to Laura's playground.

It's never too late to be honest with yourself, and that's great you have opened up to your wife, if you have these feelings as Megan suggests you may want to seek professional guidance, we are not therapists here, just folks that have experienced similar things. Gender dysphoria can be a serious impairment and a cause for depression or worse. This site is a great place to explore yourself. Dealing with gender issues does not mean a full social role transition for everyone, some may find comfort in a dual role for example. In the mean time post away here after 5 you may use private messaging with other members on this board.

Hugs

Cyndi -

[Guest LizMarie]

From my first session with my therapist, the most important thing she told me that day was "The first thing you have to do is stop lying to yourself." That's where I began to finally come to terms with myself. Like you, I was always drawn to female characters, wrote female centric fiction, enjoyed movies with strong female characters. I married, joined the Army, played the "dad youth sports coach" thing... all of it. And none of it ever stopped the dysphoria for me.

If you are actually trans, you are dealing with something that is a very basic part of yourself. I cannot recommend a therapist enough, and preferably one with some experience with gender identity dysphoria.

Finally, before you write yourself off because of your height, please take a look at this web page of famous tall women. When I'm downtown (I live in Houston, Texas) I see lots of tall women. Being in the 5'8-6'2 range isn't really "tall" anymore. Above that is a little tall but if you present yourself with confidence, people are going to accept that. Your height is the least of your issues.

Far more important is to figure out who you really are and how you are going to deal with your GID. That may include transitioning. It may not. And that decision will be entirely yours to make. But don't make that decision yet. Find a therapist and begin to figure out who you are. Once you get that under control, your path forward will become a lot clearer.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Gray girl,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.
We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.
We all look forward to seeing you.
vanna

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi JayGray,

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Don't be concerned about Coming-Out late, even though I knew I was transgender at about age 10, I didn't finally Come-Out until my 50;s.

Only you can decide how far you want to take this.

I am also 6' tall and have no problems.

I would strongly urge you to see a Gender Therapist to help you with your decisions.

I found myself more and more depressed. I started retreating from my friends, spending time online reading or writing.

Gender Dysphoria can result in Social Isolation and Depression if not carefully monitored.

I also agree that finding a Local TG Support Group would also be helpful.

TG Groups are a great place to meet new friends and also ask questions about wigs, makeup etc.

Transgender people go through a wide range of Transition stages.

Some are happy as TV's, CD's, others remain PreOP, and some go completely with SRS.

Only you can decide what makes YOU happy.

Gender is determined by what is between you ears and not what is between your legs.

I wish you all the Happiness that I have found and hope that you can find the level that makes YOU Most Happy.

Hugs,

Carla

[Guest JayGray]

Thanks everyone. I have read the TaCs, read them right when I signed up out of courtesy. I've been poking around, and dropping a post here and there when I thought I had something to offer.

A quick little update. I work for a BIG company. They give us an "Employee Assistance Program", and through it I was able to find a therapist who says she deals with gender and sexuality issues as well as a host of more "standard" things (she specifically says she's well versed in dealing with lesbian, bisexual, and transexual issues; I find it interesting she didn't say gay issues). Work gives me 5 free sessions, and then my copay after is only $15, so I'm really excited that I won't have to pay out my nose for therapy. That takes a load off of my shoulders. I'm going to see her on Tuesday for my first session, which she warns me is a lot of paperwork.

I went out and had my eyebrows threaded. I've done it before (once because I told my wife it didn't hurt that bad, so she sat me down in the chair; it didn't hurt that bad, but I still have testosterone strengthening my skin I suppose). I picked up some women's body wash, shampoo, and conditioner, and I like how that's making me feel. I'm stepping up on my diet; knowing that I'm rather high waisted, I'd like to lean up so I have the slightest bit of pinch in my waist. I have been walking with a little bit of a sway in my hips, and that's been feeling both mentally and physically comfortable. I'm also planning on either going to a salon or ordering a wax warmer for myself to do my arms and legs (and shoulders ... ugh).

Other than working on my eyebrows, and finding a gender neutral hairstyle that I can clean up for work (we have a fairly strict employee appearance policy) but play with out of work, I'm really interested in finding ways to care for my face. I'm really interested in those "pore refining creams" that I've heard about so much.

As for more revelations about myself, I've been looking in the way back machine of my memories and have been noticing some signs. I had more close female friends than close male friends (I had more male friends, but less that I'd call close). I played with barbies and my little ponies for a bit until my stepfather shamed that out of me. Since puberty, I've been more interested in lesbians than straight couples, though I won't delve into that as this site is PG. I've set off many people's "gaydar". I was always very emotional and was very open with them until I started repressing it. People have assumed I was female online rather frequently. I've never liked the look of my face, both in the mirror or in pictures, and I hate the sound of my own voice; I suppose those are small bits of dysphoria. I'm a fastidious groomer, I hate body hair, and I've been "manscaping" for years. I have to make myself take showers, but I'm not sure if that's because I'm lazy or if it's because I don't want to be naked with myself. Oh, and before working for the company I work for now, I had grown my hair out two feet and I really liked it.

I'm glad to learn that transgender is a spectrum, not an either/or. I'm hoping that therapy helps, and I don't really know when I'm going to be able to tell my mother. I'm reminded of a conversation I had with her after a family reunion. My very conservative aunt was being very rude. As an adult at the time, I finally decided to say something to her (the difference between conservatives and liberals is that liberals don't campaign against the things that they do themselves, in response to her tirade against a politician who came out of the closet). On the drive home, my mom asked me if I was gay. I didn't know how to answer her, which was odd, but I said "no"; I'm not very attracted to men (I think it would be different if I was physically female). Then she said "If you're not, then why do you care about gay rights so much?" I replied with "I'm not a woman, but I care about women's rights." She was silenced. A week later, she became an ally. So I'm not entirely worried about what she'll think, other than that she has her own battles with depression and I don't want her to "blame" herself for not having a good father figure around or something. Telling someone that you've been being someone you're not could be a bit of a shock.

I've told a handful of friends (8 of them) and now the anonymous world of the internet, but I'm nervous about telling anyone else. One of my friends is a transman, so he's been a lot of help; the other friends I've told include my wife, who is bi, a gay male friend who does drag shows (which he was firm to tell me is different from trans*), a lesbian female friend, a pair of lesbian/bi female married friends, and my straight male best friend. Their support has been very helpful. My only "complaint" is that some of it has been outright and unconditional support, rather than questions to help me understand myself more (which, I'm sure, is the WEIRDEST thing to complain about). Getting the occasional, albeit teasing, "you are a girl" from my wife actually makes me feel good. My best friend's questions, as someone who isn't LBGT, did help me; he said "everyone wonders what the other side is like", and I asked him if he'd ever consider changing permanently (he said "no", and that the question made him understand me a little more).

I'm finding myself rambling. Thanks for the support everyone.

[Guest DianeATL]

JayGray

Welcome to the site girl, you are not late, I am late 50's and just figuring it out. Don't feel like you have to do everything at once, take your time to really get in touch with yourself, it's not a race and you have plenty of time. It is great that you have support for a therapist, that will help a lot.

It's funny how we put everybody into neat boxes. It really clicked for me when I figured out that Gender identity and Sexual preference are independent variables. Sounds like you are starting to understand that difference too.

Don't hesitate to ask questions, share your emotions or feelings on this site. I guarantee someone has been there and done that and can help you get through it.

Welcome, you learn the secret trans handshake a little later. ;-)

Diane

[Charlize]

Welcome dear. late you have to be kidding. I am not alone here in the over 60 crowd of transition. My GT said there is a whole category for us "older" girls. I guess many like me change when they feel its their last chance to be themselves. Glad you found us. Laura's sure has helped me and hopefully it will help you.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Bulldog1948]

Hi Jay, We are a melting pot of people. All ages, genders, colors, religions and etc. You just never know until you start talking to folks on here. Some mighty interesting people.

[Guest JayGray]

Thanks again everyone. I have an appointment coming up on Tuesday. I'm real excited to be able to answer some questions about myself. I know it's not a race, but I suppose I'm in that stage where I really want to know where I'm going.

[Guest Opal]

Hi Jay,

Welcome to Laura's! Nice that you found the site, and want to wish you well on your journey. It can get very rocky at times, and it can be very emotionally trying. Hang in there, and you will find what is right for you. Getting a good therapist is a very important step in the process.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest]

Welcome to LP JayGray.

Thank you for your introduction.

You are never too old to come out, as long as you are still above grade.

Welcome to an exciting journey which you began with the first step.

I wish you peace and success on your journey.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest JayGray]

I had my first counseling session last week; I posted about it down in the therapy board. We spent the first session largely getting to know me, going over my life story and all my trials and tribulations (father was never around, step-father was a child molester who luckily didn't lay a hand on me, lived in foster care for a year ...). We barely touched on the gender ID thing, but we're getting there. My therapist is a late-life out lesbian (she was married to a man before), and she has had trans patients before, so she seems great for me (we also agree politically and religiously, which really helps).

Thanks for the great greetings.

[Guest Raven Moon]

Welcome JayGray! I'm new here myself. You are going to discover what I did; many here share much in common with you!

I wish I was 30! I'll be 56 in November. But this is something I wanted to do since my preteens.

6ft is tall, but I had a girlfriend once that was six feet tall. I'm only 5'5". I had two others 5'10" and met a barmaid recently that was 6'4"! So it's not as common but there are tall women in the world. My two trans women friends are about that tall too.

I had to chuckle when you said you are getting your brows threaded! I'm about to do the same thing.

I haven't told as many people yet. Good for you! It might be the hardest part. I always knew, but I kept it to myself. That makes you feel terribly isolated.

[Guest JayGray]

Not to make anyone feel old, but I'm really glad to learn that I'm not "too old" to discover new things about myself. I have another counseling session on Friday, but I know these things take time.

Thanks for the kind words Raven Moon; for a second your name made me think you were a friend of mine from High School; wouldn't that have been a shock!

The eyebrow threading was rather quick. They didn't do it as thin as I would have wanted. I'm going to try to build up the courage to flat out say "like a woman's" next time.

[Guest Jaques]

Hi Jay, Im another who decided to transition in my late 50's - theres a lot of us around, lol! You say you felt better after you told your wife - how did she feel about it?

Many of us transmen have the same problems - we tend to me shorter than most bio men, we often have small hands and feet etc. You want what we have - we want what you have - sometimes these things actually make me laugh. Welcome to the site - and I wish you well on your journey of discovery.

[Guest Raven Moon]

Jaques, as a small cis male, I can relate! I used to have to shop in the boys department for suits and stuff! But we do exist. It never stopped me from dating 6 ft tall women either. lol

Until recently I could not find men's jeans short enough. I found a pair once I loved… 28 waist and 36 length! Seriously? Who's that skinny and tall?! I always had to roll them up. Or buy women's jeans.

[Guest Raven Moon]

Not to make anyone feel old, but I'm really glad to learn that I'm not "too old" to discover new things about myself. I have another counseling session on Friday, but I know these things take time.

Thanks for the kind words Raven Moon; for a second your name made me think you were a friend of mine from High School; wouldn't that have been a shock!

The eyebrow threading was rather quick. They didn't do it as thin as I would have wanted. I'm going to try to build up the courage to flat out say "like a woman's" next time.

Unless you grew up in Orange, NJ, probably not! And of course it's not my birth name.

The eyebrow comment made me LOL. I found a place close to me that does threading, and thought to my self I have to tell them, "arch them as high as possible, and like a woman's brows" I have very thick eyebrows, so they have lots to work with!

[Guest Jaques]

How about getting rid of thick eyebrows altogether and having them tatood on? Or just shave them and I think you can get some stencils to make them the size and shape you want - my missus sits on me and attacks my eyebrows with tweezers - lol!

RAVEN, I know a bio guy whos 5'2" and takes only boys sizes in shoes - and look at prince - hes that tiny and wears gert big high heels (no wonder hes got hip problems with years of dancing around on those! - I went to see him on his last tour here in the 02 arena in London - he was absolutely amazing - and hes a real cool guy - and we stayed on the Sunborn Yacht in one of the London dockyards, I got it half price so we had a suite - fabulous weekend, we even went to the Bloody Tower and my missus got propositioned by a Beefeater, ha ha!

[Guest Raven Moon]

How about getting rid of thick eyebrows altogether and having them tatood on? Or just shave them and I think you can get some stencils to make them the size and shape you want - my missus sits on me and attacks my eyebrows with tweezers - lol!

RAVEN, I know a bio guy whos 5'2" and takes only boys sizes in shoes - and look at prince - hes that tiny and wears gert big high heels (no wonder hes got hip problems with years of dancing around on those! - I went to see him on his last tour here in the 02 arena in London - he was absolutely amazing - and hes a real cool guy - and we stayed on the Sunborn Yacht in one of the London dockyards, I got it half price so we had a suite - fabulous weekend, we even went to the Bloody Tower and my missus got propositioned by a Beefeater, ha ha!

I thought about shaving them off. But I think I like real brows better than the drawn on kind! There's a salon that does threading not far from me, so I'm going to venture there after the weekend. I thought of tweezing them myself, but I think I'll pass!

I have a gig with the classic rock cover band I play in, and I want to wait until after that! Those guys aren't very enlightened. (makes me wonder how they will take the news when I spring it on them… Or I can just wait until I gradually start to look different… lol Boobs? What boobs? lol )

I once had Prince squeeze right past me in a very crowded club in NYC back in the 80s (The Ritz, now known as Webster Hall.. we were there to see the LA punk band X), and he actually touched me! That's how close we were. I like to joke that I was able to look at the top of his head, but I don't think that was true since he had heels on. lol We weren't much different in build or height.

[Guest Raven Moon]

I'd also like to add that at this stage, I'd look ridiculous with no eyebrows… not that that's stopped me looking different in the past! I'm in no way passible yet, and that would probably include with makeup. But I'm going to give that a try soon. I used to be very good at it.

Or I just don't like how I look anymore… and that's possible too.

[Guest JayGray]

Hi Jay, Im another who decided to transition in my late 50's - theres a lot of us around, lol! You say you felt better after you told your wife - how did she feel about it?

My wife was very understanding. I joked with her that she was "too" understanding. In the first few days of my realization, I needed questions to help me shape things out. When I told my best friend of 23 years, he was full of "are you sure" questions. He told me that "everyone thinks about that", and I asked him in return "if you could change, and never go back, would you consider it"; he answered "no", and I said "my answer would be yes".

I told a trans*male friend of mine, and he was very supportive. I told a lesbian friend of mine, and she was very supportive (she was kind of my therapist before I found a therapist). I actually told most of my LGBT friends, looking for their advice and their support.

My wife's bi. My wife's a cross dresser; she was more of a tomboy growing up, and has only recently took to wearing skirts (thank the 100+ degree summer). She was instantly supportive, though she's hiding her own uncertainties pretty well. All I've managed to get out of her is she said if I got top surgery, but not bottom surgery, she'd find that weird. She also fears I'll look like my mother (our baby pictures are identical), and she doesn't like the sound of that.

[Guest ~Emmie~]

It's fantastic to have access to so many people, across so many age-groups, on the forums here. And as for thinking you're too old to start being who you are- I turn 28 this February, and tentatively hope to be on HRT before that. I understand the sense of urgency- as well as the fear that you're too far past puberty to be pretty. I've seen amazing-looking trans-girls in their 30s, 40s, 50s. It's all in how you present what you've got.

I read your other post, and some parts of your childhood resonated really well. I was always into reading fictional narratives with females growing up. Cam Jansen, Mathilda (from the famazing Roald Dahl) Sabrial, and Pippi Longstocking and Ronia, the Robber's Daughter (written by the incomparable Astrid Lindgren) were some of my favs. I'm convinced that some transgirls, without any other social outlet, turn to their imaginations in order to express their femininity. How else can I explain how I dreamt at least each week of being a girl since the age of ten? If you can't act it out in your life, it finds other outlets.

I'm a long-time fan of Megatokyo and XKCD, and need more to read when I'm up and can't sleep at the wee hours. What is this transgender webcomic you speak of? I'd dig reading it.

Welcome to the forums!

-Em

[Guest JayGray]

The transgender webcomic in question is called "Rain LBGT".

And thanks for your input. I'm worried less about transitioning "late", and I'm just going to start looking into building up a savings for cosmetic surgery if it ever comes to that.