Musings on my first counseling session

[Guest JayGray]

Today, I turn 30. Yesterday, I had my first counseling session in well over 15 years. We spent the better part of 2 hours simply getting to know me, as apparently I have a rather complex and deep life's story. It's important for a therapist to know where you're coming from. I also didn't mind talking about me for 2 hours. We barely touched upon the transgender issue, but I have an appointment for next Friday.

My therapist didn't talk too much about herself, though I do know that she used to be married to a man but now she's seeing a woman. I don't know if that means she's bi or lesbian, or whatever she identifies as, but I do know that she's very understanding and entirely non-judgemental. We got along, however briefly, politically and religiously too, so I'm not worried we'll have any great personality clashes that could tarnish the relationship.

She was very interested in knowing that I come from a very, very, broken family. My own father was never around; I've probably seen him maybe 8 times that I can remember in my entire life, and several of those were paternity court related. My half-sister, his daughter, died only two months before I was conceived. I've always known that, but only recently did I find out that was the reason he didn't stay around; he thought my mother was trying to replace his daughter by having me, and he freaked out. I don't hold anything against him, though, as I rather like the me that I've become (and am becoming), so any changes to my upbringing might have altered that. The important part is that I'm alive and mostly healthy.

My mother married when I was 4. My stepfather was mean. My mother tells me now that her brain told her to not date him the moment she kissed him, but her own need for affection and attention made her disregard the warning. As it turns out, he was a serial rapist and generally a sociopath (I know the word isn't used anymore, but it describes him well). Apparently, my vocabulary and general mouthiness and truthiness kept him from molesting me; apparently that's why he didn't seem to like me very much. My sister and brother were born when I was 7 and 9 respectively; he did end up molesting them. He died when I was 11 years old; he was passed out drunk in his car on the side of the freeway, and another drunk driver crossed all four lanes to crash into him. My brother and sister got mostly free rides through college out of it, so there's that.

In the summer between 6th and 7th grade, my mom was arrested for using speed. I went to live with a friend for the first semester of 7th grade, but they couldn't get the license to be an official foster family so I had to be moved to a foster home just after Christmas. Great present. The first foster home I was at was terrible. Things came to a head when the family's actual daughter tried repeatedly, and successfully, to get me in trouble. I was transferred to a second foster home at the end of May, forced to finish off the last month of school in a new school (the 3rd of the year) where I ended up not making immediate friends for the first time in my life.

That summer, between 7th and 8th grade, I was left largely to my own devices. My foster father got me a YMCA membership, so I spent most of my days either swimming at the Y or playing video games at the public library. When I could get away with it, I played games in my room. A previous foster kid hid playboys in the room, which I happily discovered.

Just before the start of 8th grade, I was able to go back to live with my mom. My brother and sister didn't come back home for another 6 months. They had been sent to a different home the entire time of their stint in foster care. I was able to complete 8th grade in the same school for the whole year. I made some friends, but none super close. I stayed in contact with my best friend, whose family I stayed with during the start of 7th grade. Counselors have told me that it was likely my friend's family that kept me from turning to delinquency, as they acted like a true surrogate family.

High school ended up being rather normal. My introversion began to show through, though. I made some great friends in high school, fellow artists and writers, one of whom I'm still friends with to this day. But this was the time I got into roleplaying online. It started out innocent enough, but it ended up becoming a place for me to discover my sexuality. I didn't date in high school until my senior year, and I was far too shy to do that very well. There was one girl who I was very enamored by, but I couldn't get up the courage to take things to the next level. Looking back, now knowing that there's an inner femininity that I've been hiding, I think I wanted a girl to ask me out.

College was largely a blur. At first, I went to a junior college in a neighboring city, while most of my friends went straight to University. Apparently, I'm smart, but somewhere along the way I lost motivation, so I didn't even try to be admitted to University first. I think I wanted to save money. I could pay for myself through a Junior College, not a University, and there was no way my mom was going to be able to pay for my college. I was too scared to get loans right away. I ended up only taking a few classes that semester. I hadn't learned the trick of petitioning to join a class. I only finished one class, as it was a half-semester class. The semester was rather ruined by what happened on my birthday that year; the 9/11 attacks.

I turned 18 when the towers fell, that very day. It shook me to the core. I thought I was going to be drafted, as I had just filled out the draft paperwork in order to receive financial aid for school. I was terrified. I couldn't focus through school that semester. I had to drop the semester halfway through and move back with my mom. Once there, I jumped from job to job, never keeping one for a year. I went to school part time, slowly working towards a transfer.

It was then that I met my future wife. She went to University with one of my highschool friends, and when I was getting a Dungeons and Dragons game together, she ended up joining. I was infatuated with her the moment I saw her. She was short, almost a foot shorter than me, with short boyish hair and an adorable face. I now know that I was attracted to her androgyny. She was heavily into crossdressing at the time. When I first met her, she went on and on about her long distance boyfriend, which I took as a signal to mean to not flirt, a signal which I took. Two months later, her boyfriend broke up with her and I apparently swooped in rather quickly. I had only meant to start getting to know her more when I asked her to teach me a video game that she really enjoyed. She ended up forcing me to ask her out on that first "date" (which I didn't know was a date, but she did, at the time). There was a fun moment when I was leaving her house at midnight, but it turned out I had left my car's lights on. Unintentionally, I pulled off the cliche "oh no, we're out of gas, we better find somewhere to stay for the night". Nothing happened that night, other than some kissing, but things went well from there.

I moved out of my mom's shortly after, found a place back where I had originally moved out to so I could finish up my 2 year degree (which was now on track to take 4 years). Again, I bounced between a couple of jobs before getting settled where I am now. My then girlfriend moved in with me soon after. A year into my new job, I got hurt on the job and went on worker's comp. That put the breaks on school too, as it was way too difficult (and too easy of an excuse) for me to take the city bus in my wheelchair and cart myself around school. My then girlfriend started working full time at her college job, and used it as an excuse to effectively drop out. While I'd like her to finish school, she has a good career path ahead of her now at our place of employment.

It took two years to get the workers comp thing finished. I ended up having to have surgery to correct the problem, and it only took care of the worst of it. Luckily, work transferred me to another location where I wouldn't have to stand, and things have been smooth sailing every since; I've now been there for 3 and a half years, and I just got full time.

But everything wasn't looking up. I've been bouncing back and forth between feeling good and feeling depressed. I worry that it's bipolar or manic/depressive or something along those lines. A few months ago, it got really bad. Work has been taking a lot out of me; it's dealing with people all day. I'd find myself retreating to my room right when I got home. I started internet role playing again. My wife wasn't bothered too much by that (I think she appreciates that it's an outlet for my libedo since hers is much smaller than mine), but eventually it started to get to her. I was ignoring her and my friends. I didn't want to see people. She asked me to give it up for a week. And that's when it happened.

My depression got worse. I couldn't role play online, so I turned to reading. I was gravitating towards comics and stories starring female characters. Those stories were gravitating towards lesbian characters, both of the clean and erotic varieties. Then I stumbled upon a comic starring a transgender female in her first year of presenting as female at a new school in her senior year. I read through over five years of updates that night. I didn't sleep. The next night, I slept fitfully. The third night, I didn't sleep at all again. As if a light were turned on, I started to realize things about myself. It was as if spotlights were shone on different aspects of my life. I played with My Little Ponies and Barbies when I was 7; I still watch My Little Pony cartoons to this day. I skipped. I had more close female friends than I did male friends. I was very close with my mother. I didn't want to ask girls out; I wanted them to ask me out. I was a nitpicker about my appearance. I grew my hair long (until work made me chop it off). Most of the main characters in the fiction I write have been women. Most of the characters I've role played have been women.

So I asked myself; do I want to be a woman? The very moment I asked that of myself, it was as if a weight had been taken from my shoulders. I then poked around online, reading about other people's experiences. I was worried because I'm not terribly dysphoric; sure, I don't like seeing myself in photographs and I hate the sound of my own voice, and I pluck my eyebrows and I'm trying desperately to lose my belly ... I guess I have a little bit of dysphoria. I don't mind the genitals that I have, though, but the more I wonder about what it would be like to be a woman, the more odd they do seem.

So, that's my counseling session in a nutshell, reordered so it's chronological and it flows better. I'm very excited to have my next session next week. I'm eager to answer her questions and find ways to explore my femininity. I have no idea where or how far I'm going to take this, but having read some experiences here, I now know that being trans* is part of a big spectrum. I don't have to fit into a predefined mold, I just have to find out how to be myself.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi JayGray,

I am glad you had a good session with your therapist.

Love

Brenda

[Charlize]

Thank you for your post. Yours is quite a story. I'm glad you were able to open up with your therapist and us as well. Opening up to others helped me to find my path and hopefully it will for you. There is never a rush but we sometimes feel there is. Take your time and keep being honest with your therapist. Best of luck and try to get some sleep.

Hugs,

Charlie