10 Months on HRT - A Retrospect

[Guest JeepGirl90]

Last Tuesday I passed my 10 month Mark on HRT. The first thing I will have to say is I was very naive going into this. I knew who I was, What I had to do, but just like a lot of other people in my situation, I thought HRT and transition was the cure-all. I thought it would magically stop my depression, my dysphoria, and everything would finally be right in my world. I was wrong. However I have found an inner peace, I never had before, I feel better than I pretty much ever did in the past. but even 10 months in, I have a lot of inner struggles I still deal with as well as a lot of external ones that seem to compound everything I'm going through. Mondays have now become a form of just pure hell for me as I have to once again put on the mask I am still far from free of. a good chunk of the time, I want to be a hermit, hiding away from everything and everyone that could hurt me. I battle dark thoughts that at times still cloud my mind.

I remember when I first started to Transition. I had this finite time line, and by that time line I would be full time by June, but no... once again, I was being naive. While I have been generally happier, I have motivation, I'm no longer that shell that blankly staring into a computer monitor night after night, day after day, Ignoring everyone around me, I am still far far far from perfect. I have along way to go in my transition, and even a lot of the times, my goals of one day having surgery seem so far out of reach, that it is crushing to me.

I separated from my wife back in November at the time, when I first started HRT. However we have stayed living together and as friends. However, with my quest for happiness, she is a large casualty. The pain and suffering I have put her though, just to transition and deal with something I never asked for, is something I don't think I could ever forgive myself for. I see that pain every time I look at her eyes, I see it. A lot of times she lashes out in pain and in anger at me, and I can't honestly say I blame her. She never asked to know Christina, and in a lot of ways she feels deceived. which is something I can't disagree with, I deceived her, I deceived everyone, even my self for 34 years. I feel like I'm a horrible person, just for the life choices I have made in life, just for getting married. All this for some affliction I was born with I never asked for. and because of social stigmata, I hid from everyone, even myself for many years, made a lot of wrong choices in my life to cover it up, even to a point I hid the truth from myself.

Another part, is society. If anyone thinks that society will be be even semi reasonable to anyone, then they are grossly mistaken. I have been out and misgendered, I have had insults shouted at me, laughed at and I have a constant paranoia out in public anymore, just waiting for that one ignorant --Censored-- that may realize I'm Trans* and could cause a dangerous even deadly situation. Trans* people deal with this on a day to day basis. Not because of who they are, but from the poor information given my media about our condition. personally, I am not a Pervert, I could and did cut it as a man for many years, and I am not mentally unstable. All I want to do is live my life and be happy, which I guess in this day and age is still something that is impossible to achieve.

Work is work, I hate my job, but everyone says that, but I truely hate me job, and it is the only place I have not transitioned. as living in Pennsylvania, there is no protections for Trans employees, they can just fire you just because ... .

Anyway I have spent a lot of time with the negatives, but I still would change the road I'm on transition is what I need to do, despite what the world says. I have a long painful road but I'm in it for the long haul now. I will not and cannot give up. I have made progress, I can finally look at myself in the morrow and sometimes not despise the person looking back, however "he" still lurks and had not vanished yet. but I'm sure that will come in time. while I have changed so much in the last 10 months , emotionally, mentally and physically, I have along way to go. I have included some pictures.

This picture was take a few months before I came out to myself, I am using it as a reference.
<img src="http://i1273.photobucket.com/albums/y407/Christina_Tali/150153_3713433525270_1890595558_n_zpsce208345.jpg" border="0">

This picture was taken 9/21/13 and the reason is nothing more to show a physical comparison on how I have changed on HRT in 10 months.
<img src="http://i1273.photobucket.com/albums/y407/Christina_Tali/1239703_247165252098156_2126306697_n_zpsa977cc9a.jpg" border="0">


Thank You for Reading.

-Christina

[Guest DianeATL]

What a change in your before and after photos! You look great.

I think many of us know that HRT is not a magic pill but at the same time, we expect too much too soon. Transitioning is not for the weak of spirit, it requires a tough skin and the ignorant can get to anyone. To me, and I am not a professional at all, it gets down to feeling good about yourself and who you are. When you can do that, you can calmly face the detractors. Going into a shell is a victory for them and I want to be the winner, not the ones who would oppress us.

I feel your pain with your wife, I am going through the same angst about causing her pain and "ruining" her life. But you didn't choose to have GID. You weren't deceiving her, you were trying your best to be the gender they assigned you. At some point, we just realize we can't make that happen anymore. So is it right for you to have to put on that man suit forever and deny your authentic self just to make her life easier? I don't think so.

The Monday blues are just temporary. A friend of mine celebrated her last day at work as a man last week. Her Monday tomorrow will be her first day full time being herself. She is so excited and her smile just shows her relief and joy at putting that behind her. As someone who is a ways away from that day, I look at her progress as a goal for me, something to focus on rather than my current pain. We are moving down that path and we will get there, stay focused on the goal not the bumps in the road today.

You are perfect and have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. You have a lot to give others and hiding that denies them the opportunity to accept your gifts. Love yourself and others will too.

Hugs

Diane

[Cyndee]

Thanks Christina for sharing with us a very candid post. None of this is easy, you have the determination to pull through, you've taken a long view, that's what it takes to be successful with what I consider one of the most difficult and complex things anyone could ever do in our time. Your pictures look great, quite a change (for the better IMHO).

Best

Cynthia -

[Carolyn Marie]

For some it is an easy road. For others, not so smooth, and for a few, it is a crushing burden. I give you props for facing all the negatives and not giving up, and not giving in to despair. You're right, you didn't ask for this. I disagree about deceiving your wife, though. You did your very best to fit in and be the person everyone wanted you to be, and you lost that battle, only to find your true self. You gave being him the best years of your life, and now its time to be the person that can make you happy in your own skin for the first time. It isn't your spouses fault, but neither is it yours.

I hope the road gets better from here on out, Christina. You deserve happiness, and peace of mind. I wish you both.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest JeepGirl90]

Thank you everyone,

This has been difficult, and last week I lost a good friend to suicide (she was also trans), so that hit a major chord with me. as first, being a very sad time for me, it also was an eye opening experience for me, I don't want to feel like that again, nor do I want anyone else to feel like that, so that is one of the reasons I have started to drive my transition harder than before.

-Christina

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Christina,

Thanks for your Post.

Your statement " I thought HRT and transition was the cure-all. I thought it would magically stop my depression, my dysphoria"

In my case, it was.

I suffered Major Depression for over 40 years needlessly because no one would listen to me.

When I finally Came-Out and Transitioned Full-Time, I finally found inner peace with myself and all my Depression disappeared.

As for dysphoria, before Coming-Out I hated looking at myself in the mirror because I hated my reflection and I also wanted to "Physically" castrate myself because I hated my male genitals.

Today, I am still PreOP, and could not be Happier except for SRS and I no longer even feel my genitals.

As for Society not accepting you, I had the opposite.

Please read my Introduction, and carefully read the are in RED.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=56381&hl

I can understand your wife's pain.

When I Came-Out and Transitioned Full-Time, my entire family disowned me. It was their lose.

Today, I have so many more True Friends who DO accept me.

"When one door closes, another door opens".

I had to decide, What is more important, My Happiness or pleasing others.

I had to choose My Happiness.

I wish you continued Success and Happiness in your Journey and all the happiness that I have found since Coming-Out and Transitioning.

Hugs,
Carla

[Guest Raven Moon]

Thanks for sharing Christina.

I came here just now because I was feeling down, and I get a hopeless feeling, and I haven't even started HRT yet! Your comment: "I have along way to go in my transition, and even a lot of the times, my goals of one day having surgery seem so far out of reach, that it is crushing to me." stuck that chord of why I'm feeling down at the moment.

But as aways, there are so many positive members here! I always leave feeling better.

Hey, I see two bass players! I'm a bassist too! I also play lead guitar in a band (was previous the bass player), but have been mostly a bassist since I was 13 or so.

[Guest LizMarie]

I'm seeing very positive changes in you, Christina. Nothing comes easily or is simple. I wish you all the best in your transition!

[Guest sienna]

You look great and have a made a lot of progress! The pictures are night and day. He is nowhere to be found now

Sienna

[Guest Raven Moon]

Wow! That's amazing.

[Guest Jenn348]

For me, HRT and part time didn't really help. If anything, it got worse as I started running into family trouble. Lucky for me it was extended family trouble; my wife stuck by my side and my children are understanding. However, it is still troublesome to have parents and all other extended family so negative.

But, going 100% full time finally made a difference. The depression is lifting and I can function in society like I never could with the facade up between me and others.

I know everybody's mileage varies, but when you go FT you might have some of the darkness lift. Not sure if it will be the same for you, but I figured I'd share...maybe put some light in your tunnel