(long winded, sorry)Just wanted to let everyone know I am still alive and kicking

[Guest BeccaC]

I know its been a long long time since I posted last, and just wanted to let people here know that I am doing pretty good actually, even with all things considered. Many here helped me so much since I joined LP last year, I don't know where I would be right now had I not found this place... Strike that, I do know. I would have kept struggling with my problem last year without any idea how to get help, right up to the point the anxiety from my GID starved me to death. I can't thank the people here enough for the advice I have received, or people just listening (err ok reading) and being understanding. This site and some of the people here started a chain of events for me that I credit with saving my life, and for that I am eternally grateful. I'll try to keep this fairly short (not likely... sorry again)

When I joined early last year I was an emotional wreck and my life was quickly starting to unravel.. I was still wanting to hide this, or cope with it to keep from hurting my wife, kids.. Keep my job... No matter what it took I wanted to stick my trans back in the barrel I had kept it and forget about it.. I was willing to do this even if it killed me. As everyone knows at that one point, the barrel will not close no matter how hard you try. After trying for around 9 months and almost 100lbs lost, I finally came to the conclusion that for me to keep being able to move forward I would have to face this or die..

An amazing individual here that lives nearby reached out and helped to set me up with my first gender therapist, my first support group, etc.. That started this entire ball rolling, and while I would love to say its been all roses and butterflies, its been enlightening...depressing....exciting...frustrating...painful....This ride has had it all... At the end of last year when I was so close to just lying down and dying. Even with attending support groups, therapy... I was ready to die... Then this same person reached out, yet again... She invited me to this amazing church.. I was hesitant to say the least, even when she said they were accepting of transpeople.. At that point I was seriously thinking if the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally can't accepting me... No one will... I was ready to just die... She kept on and eventually got me to come along... That first 5 minutes there, was the turning point...

That was where I was at almost exactly a year ago... I hated myself... Everything about myself.. I wish I could tell everyone my life was perfect now, its not by the way, but I am in such a better place.. I'm going to try to break it down in four areas to keep my brain from muddling it too terribly much..

The church, is totally amazing... The people there were so accepting of myself, it started helping me totally accept myself.. While everyone was accepting, it was obvious that they weren't super knowledgeable about us transfolk... Over the past year, I have joined the choir.... Even been given a special invite to join the smaller group that sings.. Just recently I was asked that if they were able to start a music program for the youth, if I would be interesting in working with the kids... I have realized that although they accepted us, that being true to ourselves and letting them see that, we have been completely embraced (beats the heck out of just being accepted) there... Pretty freaking cool if you ask me.

My social life has been dramatically enhanced by friends that I have made recently.. When I first came out last year it seems that the first type of people I though I was making friends with were from the dark side of the whole trans spectrum.. Without giving details, I had gotten to the point I was ready to run away screaming from any of the trans people here in my area... I think a lot of that was my own self loathing drove the more sane people away... The finally accepting myself started drawing different types of people into my life.. As I became more confident in who I was, people genuinely were drawn to me.. Not because I was trans, or even (gasp) passable.. I have really close friends now from all ends of the spectrum... Straight, gay, lesbian, bi, and yes even trans still lol.. These are the type of people that enjoy being around me, simply to just be around me... Not what I could do for them (the darker side I mentioned earlier)... I have made some incredible lifelong friends... Simply for finally getting honest with myself.. Again pretty freaking cool..

For the past three weeks now, everyone at my job knows about my trans status... Now remember I am a mechanic... I work in a predominately male redneck ultra conservative republican facility.. Has everyone been great?? No, but only one person said anything directly to me negative... My friends that I have there, are still my friends... We even joke about this, in a good natured way. I have found that humor, even if I crack jokes at my own expense, helps ease peoples minds... They are seeing that even with this new found revelation I am still the same person.. Just one that is growing breasts now lol.. Just the other day some jobs were brought to my attention, even with them knowing my trans status, and I was told that I would be a good fit for the job... For my knowledge is the only basis they are going on... It's would be a great step up for me, and would get me off the floor and out of the grease and grime.. So with any luck I might be entering the corporate sector, as an openly transitioning individual... I know someone will probably want to smack me for this, but I can't help it.... It's pretty freaking cool!!

Wish I could say I was 4 for 4, but I can't... My marriage is done.... I've known it for awhile now... I wish I could say I didn't do anything wrong, but I did.. Also wish I could say she didn't do anything wrong... Anger and resentment got the best of both of us... Things were said and done by both of us that I don't think could ever be repaired... Honestly I don't think I want to try... I just want to be civil and let her get on with her life, even if I'm not a part of it.. She deserves that much at least.. I only want a relationship with my girls, I only want the best for them.. Always have and always will.

Today now, I can simply just be myself... I don't need to always wear heels,skirts, dresses, full makeup, I've even said goodbye to the wig... Heck, half the time I don't do more than just put on some shorts a tee and my flip flops, something to cover up my tall forehead and I can just be myself... No more trying to deceive people... Not trying to prove I am a guy... I'm just Rebecca... right now that's plenty enough for me.... Over all, pretty dang cool..

Much love everyone,

Rebecca Jane C####

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome back, Rebecca, and thank you for the update and (mostly) good news. Yes, marriages do fail, and I am sorry for the that. But honestly, marriages not involving transition fail too. Sometimes it just doesn't work. I think you have a good attitude about it.

The rest sounds pretty darn good. You should be proud of yourself for picking yourself up off the floor and doing what you need to do to make things better. It says a lot about your character. Good for you, hon.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Opal]

Hi Rebecca,

Welcome back to Laura's, and sounds like you have been busy, busy! Your choir sounds like a lot of fun, and hope it continues that way. Was in a choir myself for a few years, and enjoyed my time there.

Hope you can continue to find time to check in here. I would bet that not only did you receive help here, but you also gave of yourself and helped others as well.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest BeccaC]

Thanks to you both. Life has been busy lately. Between work, my time helping two friends at their bar (I do light electrical and maint.. for them), church, and trying to keep my home afloat (sailboat for those that don't remember lol) my life has been pretty slam packed.

Carolyn I wish I could say I was able to pick myself up by myself, I had a lot of helping hands lifting my big behind in the whole process. Overall though its been a pretty good year.. Hoping I keep this momentum I have built up.

Opal I hope I have helped, and in posting this I hope that I can give others hope that things might possibly get better.. It worked for me, but I think once we quit the struggle and somehow fully accept and embrace ourselves.. The rest will eventually start falling into place... I could say that maybe I just got lucky... Except I'm the type person that if I didn't have bad luck I wouldn't have any at all..

My goal is to live as honest a life and be as true to myself as I possibly can... Once I truly became good with myself the rest started falling in place.. I just don't have time anymore for all the self loathing...

Oh as a reread my post I unintentionally think I was misleading, when I said people were attracted to me, not because I was trans or passable... While I hate that term, I don't think I will ever be "passable" to society as a whole.. I'm a 6ft tall super broad shouldered transwoman... I don't care to be passable, I only want to be myself... If people have an issue with that, its THEIR issue... It will only be my issue if I let it.. I don't have time for that silly drama anymore

Oh since I tossed that out saying goodbye to the wig... I still have a small clip in piece, just for my mega forehead. This was for a dinner party I had been invited to. Hope ya get a giggle out of the Amazon chick

[Guest Tamar]

Well done Becca.

[Guest]

Who's the babe??? Oh it's Becca! Oops, just playing. Giggle. I'm glad you are doing great, really liked your update. I'm the same size girl, we have it all over scrawny women. LOL! Don't stay away so long, but don't miss any fun in your life either. Hug. JodyAnn

[Charlize]

Hi Becca. I'm glad you posted. I actually got to say hi to you in real time on skype and loved the visit. I'm glad you are getting your feet under you. It isn't easy for any of us but the rewards are great as well. Your posts show a great deal of acceptance. Finding some who really accept us as in your church makes accepting ourselves so much easier. If i ever get to FLA. i hope to meet you as well as other friends down there.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest]

Thanx for the update Girl.

It has been a while and it sounds as if you've indeed been busy.

I can see the chick in the picture but I can't find the Amazon.

Did it fly away?giggle

I'm happy to hear that your Journey is getting brighter, Rebecca.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Welcome back Becca and thanks for the update.

I am also 6' and Broad shoulder and don't feel that I am completely passable either, yet people in NY still love me.

What I lack in "Passability, I make up with my great personality and smile.

When I Came-Out and Transitioned Full-Time, I was disowned by my entire family. I was THEIR lose, because I couldn't be Happier today.

I have made many more True Friends that do accept me and like you, they are Straight, Gay, Lesbian and Trans.

I am extremely Happy with your Wonderful Progress on your Journey.

I wish you continued Success and Happiness in everything you do.

I am kind of jealous about you discarding your wig, I am 59 and have little natural hair on my head and must wear a wig.

I also like your photo, You are a Beautiful Woman.

Hugs,

Carla

[Michelle 2010]

Glad to hear life is turning out ok

I just posted elsewhere what I thought the formula for sanity and balance might be and it looks pretty much like the path you have acted upon.... It is indeed up to us to take action, not wait for life to be handed to us, no? Its so important to realize that when doors close, others open if we only remember to look for them, as painful as that might be. I too lost a LTR this year and am going through doors this summer I never imagined! We must always be aware of the possibilities

Love

Michelle