I'm not even sure I belong here..

[Guest AlexR]

Sorry, this is long and rambling, and probably more than a little self-pitying.

I’ve suddenly gone from being euphoric at “finding myself” to becoming horribly depressed and wondering if I even belong here. I’m not suicidal - at least not seriously, there’s always that little voice telling me that it would be so much easier if I just stopped existing, but it’s been my near constant companion since I was a teenager. I’ve been very close to the edge before and this is not one of those times.

Reading through articles and posts about the various facets of being transgender, everything was just making so much sense. So many things that I ignored or refused to put together were suddenly clear – but what if I’m just making it all up? What if I’m bending facts in my head to reach a result that I desire?

It seems many of the people here hated that they were the sex they were assigned into, however, when I was a kid, though I was physically a boy, I was almost certain I was actually a girl, and I HATED that. I was terrified that I would grow breasts and everyone would see. I had a line I thought was a scar below my navel near my groin. I was absolutely convinced with my child’s understanding of things that it was a sex-reassignment scar because my parents really wanted a boy (I have three sisters). I didn’t want to let the girl side of me out, I wanted to stuff her in a chest, chain it up, and throw it in a lake. I just wanted to be “normal”. Since that time I spent so much of my time and energy hiding my girlish mannerisms and attitudes and building a life for myself as a man. Does any of this sound right? It’s only recently that I suddenly want to throw all that aside and become more of a woman. Is that real, or am just grasping for something, anything, to help explain my pain? Is all of this just my current obsession that will go away in a month or two?

Things have been pretty bad for my wife lately, and she has been off and on suicidal for about two years (totally unrelated to anything of this nature). Things are SLOWLY getting better, but I am just so exhausted. Before, she was always the strong one, but now she wants me to be her knight in shining armor, and I just can’t do it anymore. Though I am usually antisocial, without her to lean on, I had no one and finally went online to find new friends… and here I am.

I guess I really do believe I am some sort of transgender, but I am so used to not truly fitting in anywhere that I find it hard to believe that maybe I’ve found who I am. On the Bem Sex-Role Inventory, I scored solidly in the feminine category (5.6 vs. 2.4 masculine). On the Cogiati test I scored a +125 (after taking about 80 points off after going through it again and trying very hard to be completely truthful - though I find it a little difficult to believe that the fact I am good at math reduces my femininity), which is Androgyne just shy of Probable Transsexual. I think I am truly more of an Androgyne as I have no problem with my genitals, but want to be able to act as myself without it being “weird”. However, I defiantly have a bad case of body dismorphia when it comes to my height, bulk, hair, etc.

Now that I’ve learned this, I am terrified. I want to talk to my wife about it, but she is so on edge that I fear this might put her back over. I am hesitant to talk to a GT behind her back, but I am afraid to talk to her. I’ve been trying subtly to turn our relationship back to the way it used to be when we were first married, but there is a definite resistance on her part, which feeds this fear.

I don’t even really know what I hope to accomplish by writing this. I just have no one to talk to about it as my wife is my usual and only confidant.

[Drea]

You ask good questions. Nobody can answer but you.

I am sure you will find some who do relate to your experience. Others who do not.

Sometimes, folks try too hard to conform to some societal expectation, to fit within a stereotype and this in itself is a source of more angst than it deserves.

In my view stereotypical interests doesn't define one's innate gender identity yet even within this community people will define themselves not by the internal but by how well their interests fit a specific gender stereotype which might be different then their birth gender. But do interests define gender? Why can't a man express some feminine traits and typically female interests? Why can't a woman express male interests? The fact is, there isn't a problem with these. Sure it is not so often the norm, sure in the extreme it can cause one to get odd looks, but lots of people are gender non-conforming (i.e. don't conform to the typical expectations of their gender).

So in the case of gender non-conformance, perhaps the way to find peace is to drop the worry about what others might thing and express oneself rather than jump to a conclusion one should be the other gender and make even more radical changes (with more radical social implications) such as "transitioning" to make one's gender conform to their interests.

Gender non-conformance and trans-gender are necessarily completely separate and often have some degree of inter-twining, yet there are subtle differences and everyone has their own path.

As for my experience, I wasn't particularly concerned about my interests being masculine or feminine. My big issue was my body so regardless of interests, social role, that was an issue which did require some significant changes to address. I find I am unusual compared to most who identify as transgender so certainly don't take my example as a definitive case.

I mention all the above to give what I hope is a broader perspective on things. Good luck and I do recommend exploring issues with a therapist.

[Guest]

Hi Alex,

I can't add much beyond what Drea said.

But I will tell you that your story has an interesting parallel to mine: It was after being forced into the role of caregiver for a suicidal wife for several years that I finally gave in too. For me, there was a happy ending: My wife was improving but had developed a dependency on me that wasn't helping either of us. My transition actually forced her to be personally stronger and less reliant.

But, I do so understand your fears - that your gender expression may just make her more unstable. This is all the more reason to seek therapy, to understand your needs well. If at some point, you feel it necessary to open up to her, you may want to talk to her therapist as well.

Best of luck to you!

Love, Megan

[Charlize]

Alex dear you are not alone. Doubts and a desire to be normal certainly plagued me for years as did the fear of upsetting my wife. I fought my feelings for years never being able to follow the path that i feared was mine. "Man up" was drilled into me by both my family and then myself. I didn't want to be as you said 'weird". We are all different and there is no time frame. Please do not feel pressure to change anything but also please read and post here. Laura's helped me find my path and it may help you. Did the doubts disappear? Not completely but i am feeling a peace i hadn't felt for years. Gender therapy also helped me but even there don't feel any pressure. Try to relax and find yourself with as little stress as possible.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest AlexR]

Thank you so much. Just letting me vent and showing me I’m not so alone is so helpful!

The last 30 hours have been quite a rollercoaster ride. It started badly Monday night. While having a discussion with my wife, I mentioned that I’m not the most “manly man”. She became very angry with me and asked me if I was trying to tell her that I was gay. I denied that and she told me to stop insulting myself then. I was pretty upset about it.

Early this morning we have a huge blow-out argument (unrelated) – we used to never fight, and that is saying a lot as we’ve been married 16 years. I go to work very spent, upset, and questioning my life. Then I get the weirdest compliment/insult.

I see a co-worker who now works on a different shift than I do that I haven’t seen in a few weeks. He had not seen me since I shaved off my beard. He is looking at me very strangely, then says “oh, dude! I didn’t recognize you. I was trying to figure out who the new ugly chick was..”

Okay.. Totally should not have made me feel better to be called ugly, but it did ‘cause he thought a was a woman from far away. We all wear identical uniforms at work, so manner of dress had nothing to do with it.

Feeling better, my wife and I exchange texts and meet right after work before picking up our daughter. We talk A LOT, about what’s been going wrong with our relationship and how far things have changed from when we started. She admits (for the first time in a couple of years) that she used to be the “husband", while I had been the "wife" of our relationship and that we had somehow lost this. I tell her that this is where I had been trying to go the night before with the “manly man” comment. I love her very much, but I was tired of being ashamed for not being masculine and just wanted to be me again – at least at home. I tell her that we worked so much better when she would tell me what she needed and would let me take care of her when she got home from a hard day at work. Maybe a little sexist, (genderist?), but it makes me so happy to make her time at home as relaxing and enjoyable as possible.

I am absolutely dancing with joy. I do a flurry of housework - depression had led to things deteriorating pretty badly around here, and though she had been trying to get me to be more of a man, she still left most of the traditionally “female” chores to me. I haven’t come totally out with her, and I don’t think she fully realizes how girly I could be, but this is the first time we’ve made positive progress in this area IN YEARS.

The rest of the evening was fantastic – it was just like old times. I so hope we are able to keep it up.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Alex,

It is ok to be unsure

I believe that most are , even if they won't admit it

I try and think of gender as a spectrum, you have Adam on one end and Eve the other

everyone since then is some where in between and no two are in the same place

just try and be happy being who you are

it is OK to move about, but try not be jealous of where others are, cause you don't know how their life really is

we all endulge in self pitty from time to time but you cannot wollow in for too long lest it destroy you

As for the title you used on this topic , i don't have the answer , only you can answer that

But please know that i accept you here, and am pleased to call you friend

with love from

vanna