Being myself... at least virtually

[Guest dani83]

Hello everybody!

I has a few days ago that I came back to this forum after a long time off. I decided to change my login name for several reasons, especially because this is to me the beginning of a new phase, where I'm starting to finally be able to be myself, at least virtually. Back then when I created my first login (which was nibel by the way), I was so covered in fear that I took care in almost every word that I said to prevent me from being exposed, which resulted in an artificial version of myself, more distant than I really am.

Now it's a bit different... it's not like I don't have the fear to be exposed, because I'm not full time yet, but still I'm "appropriating" of some virtual spaces to be able to be myself, at least part time. So, the decision to create another account instead of reusing the old one seemed logical... I was not really being myself, and now I want to be... better... I need to be.

So, with that in mind, I think I should make a new, proper, introduction.

My name is Daniela, I'm 30 years old and I live in Brazil. I'm a MTF transgender, still undergoing the transition process. I have recently made a huge deal of a progress, but I'm still far from being able to go full time. I'm under HRT for 9 months and did a hair surgery recently. I'm also married with a fantastic woman who decided to support me besides all.

I'm out to most of my family, most of her family and to a few of our closest friends. I'm also partially out in the work space. I work for a major IT company which supposedly supports diversity, so I went all open with HR, but unfortunately their instruction was, basically, "if you want to keep your job, stay quiet as long as you can".

That shows how it doesn't really matter the company's perspective when you live in an homophobic country. Someone said to me recently in these forums that it should be hard to transition in a place so ambiguous as Brazil, and that person couldn't be more right. Usually foreigners think that Brazil is pretty open to everything, the the real life is quite the opposite. We kind of do have a popular acceptance of, let's say, sexual extravagant behaviors... promiscuity mostly. But when you talk about gender identity or even homosexuality is a complete different story.

A few weeks ago I was at a couple of friends' house and somehow we've hit the diversity subject. Actually it was my wife that brought it up, so we could "test" them if it's safe to tell or not. Basically the outcome of the conversation was - prostitutes are ok, homosexuality and transsexualism are a big no-no. And it was my friends wife who in the end was defending prostitution... I suppose talking about women empowerment with her should be fun! Nevertheless we've dropped the ball and marked both as "no-go", just 2 more to the long line of nonacceptance.

So, that's Brazil, the real deal. And considering me and my wife will be regarded as lesbians after I transition, probably we won't have a very happy life here even after everything is finished. We are both planning to immigrate to the USA, probably a place like San Francisco, because of the quantity (and quality) of IT companies there, so it will be easier for me to get a job.

Anyway, back to the transition, I'm cursed with a strong build, thick beard and male pattern baldness since I was 16 years old. So even after making all this fuzz, HRT, laser and now hair transplant, I'm a bit far to be able to be passable, so I'm not seeing the chance to go full time anytime soon. Now there isn't much of a beard left and the hair transplant should show its effects in 4 to 6 months, so that's the minimal time window for a full time. Probably more because I still have to solve my job problem.

Well, that's where I'm standing now... I'm not sure if there is something else I should mention, but I'm open to anybody who wants to hear more bits about my story. It was reading others stories that got me the strength to go so far, so I fell like giving back a little too.

Kisses

Dani

[Guest LizMarie]

Welcome back, Dani! I believe that Mary Ellen can either delete or merge your old account so you might wish to PM her to figure out what to do there. We try not to have multiple accounts for one person.

As far as male pattern baldness, there are always wigs. Several of us are in that boat and wigs are our only choices in those cases.

I wish you luck with your transition. Hopefully your company decides to just accept you as you rather than risk losing you.

[Charlize]

Dani, I'm glad you decided to come back. I think you will find Laura's is a safe place to find support and information. I was scared when i first arrived here but have found only wonderful folks finding their way through an interesting but difficult life.

It sounds that you have a good plan and are well on your way towards living as you wish. I tell folks when they ask about my wife and my relationship that we are old dear friends and let them figure things out from there.

I would ask you to review the terms and conditions found at the bottom of any page. It helps us to keep this the safe and welcoming place that it is.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest]

Welcome back to LP Daniela.

Thank you for your introduction.

It's great to hear that you have the support of your SO.

I wish you both peace and success on your Journey.

Huggs,

Joann

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome back, Daniela. I remember you quite well; it hasn't been all that long. It sounds like you've made some excellent progress, and I congratulate you for that. You still have some challenges, for sure, but I think you're a strong woman and can handle them. I agree with the strange dichotomy in Brazil - high fashion TS models are popular, but violence against transfolk is pervasive. it is a difficult place to transition, for sure.

I look forward to more update and posts from you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest miss kindheart]

Welcome back Dani

I hope you enjoy your stay

Let us know if their is anything we can do to help you

vanna

[Guest dani83]

Welcome back, Dani! I believe that Mary Ellen can either delete or merge your old account so you might wish to PM her to figure out what to do there. We try not to have multiple accounts for one person.

As far as male pattern baldness, there are always wigs. Several of us are in that boat and wigs are our only choices in those cases.

I wish you luck with your transition. Hopefully your company decides to just accept you as you rather than risk losing you.

I already asked for the deletion of my old account... It's not like I'm hiding anything, that's why I'm open about my old account... it's just that it doesn't quite fit with who I really am.

I gave a lot of thought about wearing wigs, but still decided for the hair transplant because the costs of high quality wigs were too high to justify. I had the surgery done for the price of 4-5 wigs using local currency... in USD the cost of my surgery would be about $6500, including expenses with hotel and transportation ... I'm not sure about the longevity of a wig, but I thought the surgery was worth the cost-benefit.

Dani, I'm glad you decided to come back. I think you will find Laura's is a safe place to find support and information. I was scared when i first arrived here but have found only wonderful folks finding their way through an interesting but difficult life.

It sounds that you have a good plan and are well on your way towards living as you wish. I tell folks when they ask about my wife and my relationship that we are old dear friends and let them figure things out from there.

I would ask you to review the terms and conditions found at the bottom of any page. It helps us to keep this the safe and welcoming place that it is.

Hugs,

Charlie

I frequent LP for a long time... usually not continuously, but as far I can remember my first visit was in the early 2000's... Since them I have gotten into a lot of phases of denial, purging, accepting and finally, actually transitioning. It was always a place where I could be a bit more free... so I always have thought of LP as a safe heaven and even though I have some phases of absence I will keep coming back, that's for sure.

Welcome back, Daniela. I remember you quite well; it hasn't been all that long. It sounds like you've made some excellent progress, and I congratulate you for that. You still have some challenges, for sure, but I think you're a strong woman and can handle them. I agree with the strange dichotomy in Brazil - high fashion TS models are popular, but violence against transfolk is pervasive. it is a difficult place to transition, for sure.

I look forward to more update and posts from you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

I guess I'm passing through a phase right now that I could call "denial of the challenge"... like, I know there's a big challenge ahead and I'm trying everything to avoid it, but in the end I guess I'll just have to face it. In the end, that's how things were done in places that today are more trans friendly, right? Somebody had to make a stand. So, while I would be veeeeery happy if I manage to move away from here before transitioning, I already getting prepared for the worst case scenario where I will have to face the prejudice of this society.

Whatever way it goes you can be sure I'll keep you updated.

Also thanks Joann and vanna for the warm welcome back.

kisses

Dani

[gennee]

Hi Daniela and welcome back to Laura's. Thank you for sharing about Brazil's real position

toward himosexuality and transsexualism.

[Guest Opal]

Hello Dani, and welcome back to Laura's! I have just recently returned myself, sometimes things just work out that way. Anyway, sounds like you are making really good progress against some formidable challenges.

Was able to visit San Francisco this past summer. There is certainly a lot to see!

Huggs,

Opal