Finding myself in AA

[Charlize]

My experience in AA as myself started before i knew i was transgendered or in fact before i had head that term. I had dressed through out my childhood. As my drinking progressed so did my need to express myself. When i was given the gift of sobriety i decided that my dressing was a character defect and should be eliminated somehow. i told my first sponsor and he almost ignored the issue as it was beyond his understanding or perhaps his acceptance level. I quit dressing or any other expression of myself for several years. I just couldn't bear to cross dress alone , in the closet any more. While on a trip for a conference i thought to myself "maybe i can go to a women's meeting" So the first meeting i went to

dressed was a women's meeting in a college town in NH. I must admit to being scared to death. At the time i think i had about 3 years. Church basement as usual, about 12 other women in attendance.

I took my place on a couch in a circle. Unfortunately there were no back rows. There was a reading then a time for meditation. The reading was about honesty. The dissuasion went around the room and when it came to me i was honest. Tearfully honest. The dissuasion went on with the other women sharing their own issues and

problems. Afterwards i was embraced and told i was always welcome!!!!

I've managed to get back to that meeting several times now. They love

my visits and i love them. When i went to a large mixed straight

meeting in the same town the women from that group surrounded me. I

have been to mixed , straight and GLBT meetings and have been out in

all of them and have never had a problem. Instead i have had a chance to interact with others from all walks of life without being judged. The

third tradition is my shield and i will raise it if i have to. No one

should be condemned to death by alcohol. We take AA to prisons and

every where else. Any member who gives you a hard time is certainly not

working the program as it is designed to be worked. I have found that there are always people at meetings who understand that. Fortunately the haters don't have to die from alcohol either and some of them may actually grow in the rooms as well.

AA has given me such gifts. First there was sobriety and then piece by piece my life came back. I found the support and honesty that i needed in the rooms and that has been even further helped along at Laura's.

I can now honestly say i'm a grateful transgendered alcoholic.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Michelle 2010]

Ya know Charlie, there was a guy in a meeting for several years who used to say that if a person worked the program the way it was designed, that person could become the person that god meant him to be.... For him, that meant he no longer danced drunk on bars and tables, it meant he was now dancing his way across the Caribbean and Atlantic on cruise ships in a paid position. Little did he know what it would mean for me, lol!

I had to be sober for a few years to get to where I could trust god with the outcomes of me getting real about myself. A lifetime of fear and disapproval within a marriage did not simply vanish when I got sober. But the groundwork was laid and, ultimately I chose to practice these principles in all my affairs. Like you, the shame and fear has been replaced with a happiness that I became my true self, rather than slowly passing my life as closeted and afraid. This Saturday I will again go with friends to a meeting, lunch, and a little shopping or museum trekking, being authentically myself. It is wonderful on so many levels. Friends know who I am, I am out and about, and most of my fears have never come to pass.... Today I consider myself a non-op MTF transexual. When the closet door opened, so did a lot of feelings and identifications as female.

It has been quite a trip and one I could not have accomplished without the way of life I learned in AA. I learned in AA how to live an honorable life, to reduce fear and resentment, and to not believe everything that I think, lol!

Nice of you to post the topic Charlie!

Michelle

[Guest erinanita]

I went back to AA last week, the first since my transition. I felt like I was in a fog. I joined the second group that I went to. I needed to get a sponsor and to feel I belonged somewhere. I feel so much like a new member, when I signed the member list I wouldn't put my birthday on it. I told them I needed to figure out what I should change, if anything. A friend on another forum reminded me that it really was not important how much I had changed my body physically. My brain hasn't changed and that the only reason I should change my birthday was if I'd found myself in an addiction situation.

I know I need a sponsor but in spite of the fact that I've spent more time throughout my life with the girls than I ever did with the guys, it seems strange to be seeking out a female sponsor.

It is really good to be back and paying close attention to being a better me.

Erin

[Charlize]

I'm so glad you went back to meetings Erin. Going to meetings is so important. As they say "no one ever goes out from going to too many meetings. I understand your problem about wondering about if you have the right sponsor. i have a man as a sponsor now and he has been wonderful throughout my coming out and transition. It would be lovely to have a trans sponsor but i haven't found anybody yet. The closest i come is the trans meeting here on Sunday evening at 9:00 and a separate on line meeting that lead to several skype meetings that i love. Hope to see more of you in the forums. This is also a good place to share while it is not strictly part of the program the principals are known and followed by many here.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest erinanita]

Well I've been in the the program since 1979 and changed my date a few times after drug uses. I've had some ups and downs as well as periods of nonattendance but this is a whole new thing. When I started into transition I was looking for a sponsor and the males that I came out to just told me I should talk to someone else. My older brother, who is also in the program disowned me.

I'm realizing that I really need to accept myself and find a huge amount of confidence. To do that I need to just let go and let God. First Things First.

Hugs,

Erin

[Charlize]

It is brave to go back and start over again but sobriety is such a gift if we work for it.

Hugs,

Charlie