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Running Out Of Time


Guest J.D.

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A few years ago I used to come to this site and just watch it, reading what I could in order to simply understand what it is that I am. Then I started using the chat, which was very helpful then. But now I'm back because I feel as though I'm running out of time. Its always saddening to me when I read about people coming out in their late 40s, because there's so much time that was lost by growing up something they weren't, be it gay or trans, or anything else for that matter... I guess.. I don't know. I feel like because I'm running out of time, I'm running out of options, and because I'm running out of options, I feel desperate, which makes me feel rotten inside, because I know there are people in far worse situations.

Long story made short: Came out around 2-3 years go, I don't really care anymore as to how long I've been out, because not much has changed. I'm lucky to have parents that accept it, somewhat. My dad is super cool about it, but my mom has a hard time with it. I have a fiance that accepts me and respects everything about being trans. My brother.. well, we never had a relationship to begin with, so I wasn't expecting anything from him. I work full time and am in paramedic school now because college was a bust and left me in a shitload of debt for something I never wanted to do (I'm a parent-pleaser :/). Life has been one hell of a roller coaster that I've put my family through (running away, suicide attempts, you know, the usual self-destructive behavior of severe-clinically depressed unknown trans kids). So now that things are actually looking up, it just feels like its time for everything to crash back down.

So.. yeah, again, trying to keep this short because I'm sure its the same nuts that everyone else has heard, I'm starting to feel like there isn't going to be time to transition into a boy into a man when I'm just a kid still trying to transition into adulthood. Can't make it in this economy, even when I had a fulltime and parttime job and didn't spend a penny on anything but bills. I still live at home because even if my fiance and I combined our income, it wouldn't amount to anything, so she's actually moving in with my family and I until we're done with our schooling. So with all that in mind, there's no money to even go back onto antidepressants, which my fiance is beyond insistent that I do, so there's no money to even try and think about getting onto testosterone, even though I've found an endocrinologist that has actually had transgender patients. And my old therapist who I hadn't seen since high school moved somewhere to who-knows-where, and he has my letter of 'proof'. I had everything in place to start physically transitioning, and now.. there's just no time. I have to work in a field (pre-hospital/firefighting care) that is dominated by men who most of the time are ignorant (in the nice way, not the idiot way), but would probably want to kill me if I started transitioning.. and.. yeah.. This is getting longer than I wanted.

You get the jist though, right? No money, no other financial support, health insurance won't cover anything, including therapy because it was a preexisting condition, and the feeling of not being able to remotely think about starting hormone therapy or having these sacks of fat hacked off from my chest is simply haunting to a person that's trying to remain mentally stable.

Any advice, other stories, feedback, anything at this point would be worth looking into because I don't know what to do anymore. I tried a while back and had everything shoved so hard in my face that it took too long to get back up on my feet, and now I'm had intercourse it seems.

Thanks for the read, i guess.

j.d.

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First, hello J.D., welcome to Laura's Playground.

I'm only 20 and started to transition in 2008. I felt like it was late at some point as well. The only thing I can tell you that might help is I have little to no money, too. I'm just in college and have no job with my parents barely covering my rent let alone food. Yet I managed to make a little bit of money on the side and start my transition. There is NO ONE transfreindly where I live except my doctor who monitors me. I have to travel a whole day trip from 5:30 am in the morning to 8PM at night to get to my endocrinologist and back home. I also have no gender therapist. There was one gender therapist in the area that I travel too to see my endocrinologist but he was a bad therapist. So I had to work around the normal system. I had my normal doctor who only just learned about me and studied trans because she met me go through the process that a gender therapist would have. I got my blood tests done free because in Canada most medical is free, though. After the blood tests my doctor later sent a request to start me on my T to my endocrinologist - which she accepted and started me.

I had a rough start, almost no money and had to work around the normal system but I made it and I'm living full time male now even if I don't pass 100% to some people yet.

As for starting at 40 - its never to late to start being yourself. However, I think the people who started older on the forum could help you better then I. One of the guys here who started older is Evan. Hes a cool guy - maybe he'll post about himself.

More people will be along to help you soon, so don't worry.

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Guest Irielle

Hi JD and welcome!

Zabrak is a wonderful person to help you with advice - he's been there.

It's never too late. Never. Never. Never.

It must seem overwhelming with everything piling on top of you. Maybe you could make a list of the things to want to accomplish. Prioritize them and then start. I believe that the simple act of writing things down on a piece of paper makes them real and concrete and therefore manageable and doable. If I just keep stuff in my head it bounces around in there and drives me crazy. Maybe it would help you, too.

If I may be so bold, #1 on the list would be to find a gender therapist. I have had one for years and he is a rock solid base of support for me. No matter how crazy I have gotten he has always been there and has always helped me stay grounded. A good gender therapist will always be on your side, helping you be who you really are.

And come here often - share your dreams and stories and experiences with us. You'll find you are not alone. Follow your heart and live your dreams. :)

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Hi J.D.,

Welcome to the forums.

Come over here and sit down by me and let me tell you a bit about transitioning later in life, I'm 57 and if you hadn't guessed that already, bless you.

I didn't start my transition until this past year, here dear, have some hot cocoa and some cookies, I'll try to keep this short. I have had all of the depression and feelings of hopelessness that go along with being trans and for what ever reason, courage or cowardice, I have never seriously considered suicide. That is the only real difference between my story and yours. I am in a situation of being in financial hold because of a divorce, there's another difference - my wife was not so understanding. You can manage to find a gender therapist and go just once a month would be helpful.

Waiting to transition seems like forever, but if it is just until you finish school, that can't be that long - you can make it and when you start to think about the wasted time - it is only wasted if you don't allow yourself to enjoy parts of it - your loving and caring fiancé for one thing. I built up some memories of good times that I wouldn't trade for the world, I have a lot of those nightmarish times that I would give anything to forget - so I choose not to remember them!

When you finish reading this, read the signature and try to live by it, it will help.

Love ya,

Sally

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Guest Jackson
I have to work in a field (pre-hospital/firefighting care) that is dominated by men who most of the time are ignorant (in the nice way, not the idiot way), but would probably want to kill me if I started transitioning.. and..

Let me think on all this for the day today. I'll come up with something.

But regarding the above, it's amazing sometimes how you think people will react to news like this and how they actually do. My soon-to-be ex Bill works with a guy who is really really redneck (in the negative way). Oddly enough, he's the guy that is the most interested and has asked Bill the most questions about my transition.

One of my best friends (66 years old and a retired, big city cop) has been like a second father to me. I live in a small (really small) conservative rural town and I've not had one problem yet.

Depending on how long ago it's been, I might consider trying to find the old therapist. And I had a hard time finding a physician who was knowledgeable about prescribing hormones and what kind of monitoring was required. The physician I see has been kind enough to share the whole prescribing protocol with me so my primary care physician can learn how to do it.

But we can figure something out. It might just take a few days and a bit of creative thinking.

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Guest Elizabeth K

J.D.

Welcome - though you are really an old hand here - glad you are in forum! I sneak into chat once in a while - different things happen there! But in forum it seems you are more likely to be able to vent and have some good responses - ones you can read over-and-over again. Iridelle, Sally...

J. D. I am age 61 and MTF - on HRT - and probably the oldest transitioning one here, who still actively posts. Never too late - never... several are just a bit younger - and they will agree it's never to late. I am actually looking forward to it! Regrets? Sure - but that way lies madness! GRIN

And Zabark - right on the nose. You cannot IMAGINE how hard a life he has had - he is very modest - and kinda smart. And he is one of the best success stories around! And Jackson! Wow - your FTM support group has arrived. We all STILL have a LONG WAY to go...

Hang in there dear - post some more.

Lizzy

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Thanks for the welcomes.

Zabrak: That's incredible that you have the tenacity to travel such distances, and that canada covers blood tests. In America, I had my initial blood test done during a physical, not specifically for hrt, just that I'd never had my blood drawn or tested. Luckily, my insurance at the time covered the $2,000 it cost to have a basic blood test done under something called 'preventative care'. I don't know what sort of tests they run on your blood for hrt, but holy nuts, I cannot afford another $2000, not including the money it would cost to see a specialist that is only in the area once a month. Its cool to hear that you've got a good therapist though, but to me, therapy is only good if you put something into it, and I fail pretty hardcore when it comes to that. Congrats on being T and beating the system though! :D That's super amazing!

Irielle: I'm actually a big fan of the list thing too! :D Probably one of the few things retained from therapy years ago. For this situation, it doesn't seem helpful. I have to finish the paramedic program. I also have to transition. One costs money, one makes money, and I have to be 'adult' and realistic. Part of me hopes that I fail out of the program, that way I can go transition, but then its money wasted, because the programs are NOT cheap -.- As for therapists.. I'm still iffy on the whole thing. I've had like.. 4 different ones and was forced into intensive out-patient therapy which sucked so much, and the last thing I want to do is update some new therapist on the past 12 years in a span of 2-3 sessions, which in my head, will always amount to $$$. And I already know I sound like a negative nate, but I tried the system and it failed.

Sally: Your story is inspiring, though still saddens me to hear that it took so long. Congrats on being able to begin transitioning though! I was so close to the finish line, had my diagnosis, had my 2 doctor's letters, been living fulltime as a male, had an old social worker also do a letter of recommendation, everything was in place, but the endo was a complete old-timing tool. Ever since then, everything fell apart. I don't see any of the doctors because of insurance, and my therapist moved to another state or something, and I've been forced because of constantly changing jobs to revert to living as a lesbian, which, no offense to real lesbians, makes my skin crawl worse than being a girl, because now I'm "that lesbian". The point of that rambling is that I keep putting it off because of one reason or another, be it work, money, school, family issues that always pop up at the worst of times. The quote, is a nice one. I'll have to try and keep it in mind when things seem so had intercourse up.

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