Where do i fit in with all this?

[Flint]

I feel a bit like a minority within a minority. I wouldn't mind. But it's frustrating when I'm already physically limited in the amount of people i can possibly meet.

I'm a bit of a loner, and i don't mind it to some extent. But something i really miss, something i can't help yearning for is for a group of friends.

Not only am i physically limited due to some disability i'm just socially limited generally.

There is a culture that seems to come attached to you if you're considered part of the LGBT community. A culture I don't feel any fondness of. People say "Open your mind, be more accepting of yourself" no one stops to think that maybe I'm finally accepting myself and finding that the person i am just doesn't fit in with this culture. Yea i'm a man who happens to be a trans man. thats about all there is to it. I'm not really a part of the culture, but people try to tempt me into it, people don't or can't accept that I won't be part of it. See i talk to other transmen because transmen go through things that only men like us can go through as much as i loathe to admit that. I have a lot of criticisms of the culture I must admit.

I'm tired of the assumed status that I'd be a feminist with a left wing mindset. I reject both. I'm anti-feminist. I'm Pro Man & Woman. I'm not here for a debate about this stuff, I've debated these things online so many times I've heard it one too many times. I'm posting this to see if there is anyone else even if you don't agree with everything I've said here, that feels what I have felt, this isolating feeling where you're in between different cultures, where you don't really know how and where to define yourself. People can be all wishy washy with "Just be you, do you have to define yourself?" but you're just being wishy washy and denying a fundamental part of being human, the need to define oneself. The need to have a place to fit in. I'm struggling with this. I'm struggling integrating my beliefs, my views, my sense of myself as a man with the trans stuff. I'm not denying that I'm trans to myself. But I find it hard to place the fact I'm trans in with how i feel about so many issues. does anyone at all get what I'm saying here?

[Guest ChefErik93]

ok, so first off i am a baby to this world so my words may not contain the wisdom or good advice you desire. second, i will be honest in saying that I will be sorting out my feelings in relation to what you are saying as i respond to this post.

ok so here we go, labels are needed in today's society. not for yourself the majority of the time, but for other people. people mandate that in order to understand you there has to be a tangible definition of exactly who you are. but who in this world truly fits into a label in it's finest meaning? no one. we are all different. we are all special...as every mother has told their child. we all need to make ourselves happy yet we all want so desperately to fit in and be understood.

so now that i have gotten the cliche statements out of the way i will continue. i understand what you mean about the wishy washy approach many people take. Be yourself. Make yourself happy. Yet they feel this need to pin some sort of defining factor to you and cannot understand when one thing is out of the norm. when one thing just doesn't fit into the perfect mold of that identifier. so am i supposed to be myself? or am i supposed to make you happy with the label you have assigned to me?

it is confusing, no doubt. I am just now trying to come to terms with my trans nature and i have NO clue where i fit in on this spectrum of gender. quite lost actually. anyways, because of this i have been doing a lot of research on the internet, with people, and with my therapist. I have found out a lot of different things about this culture you speak of. Everyone's transition is different and everyone's journey ends in a different place. One thing i found out is that there are often times not a lot of fully transitioned people in support groups. This is due to the fact that once they transition they lose sight of their trans side. they fit in with the "correct" gender and it is almost painful to go back and rehash these trans feelings once every aspect of their life is now centered around the gender they have become.

also, your transition and your life is just that...yours. You do not have to do anything to fit into any culture or any aspect of a label. You do not have to take any step you don't want to. and the steps you do take can be done in your own way and on your own time. the trans spectrum is huge and encompasses so many different types of people. FTM, MTF, gender queer, androgynous, with surgery, without surgery, top surgery, bottom surgery, hormones, no hormones, some hormones, hair cuts, socially acceptable clothes, girl clothes today, boy clothes tomorrow. Each day can be different.

I cannot tel if i fully understand what you are trying to say here but i think i get the gist of it. I understand where you are coming from and I share some of the same views. I hope this helped...

[Charlize]

Matthias, I think i understand your dilemma. In my life outside of Laura's i have little or no contact with the trans community. It isn't that i deny being trans myself. I'm not trying to fade into the background but many of the issues and ways they come up in real life conversations don't make me want to expose myself. I am part of the community and am not hiding at all but i really don't feel it is a membership that fully involves me. My biggest desire in transition was to become myself and finally live a life of peace and honesty. it was not to join a club of some kind.

Laura's is different. Here we are helping each other on a path to understanding of self, as we can, along with expressing the joy of being ourselves. No one here criticizes me for being uncertain or having doubts when they come. No one forces or belittles me for handling my body as i feel right. I often feel the status bar in the trans community. It shouldn't bother me but it does. Maybe that is because of meeting so many folks on different paths here. All such lovely folks, trying to make their way.

Oddly the outside world is sometimes less judgmental and inflexible. If i out myself or if someone i have know for years has a comment it is usually more supportive than critical. Otherwise i just disappear into society and enjoy my life as myself. That gets easier every day.

Hugs,

Charlie

[JJ]

As transmen we are different. And I di understand about the LGBT community. It is nice now and then to associate with people who have faced some of the same societal pressures and all but in many ways I am fundamentally different and if I am militant about anything at this point I am a militant individualist. It is human nature to want to define yourself but it is also human nature to attack those who are different and to eat anything available. We can and do move past parts of human nature. That is a big part of what civilization and maturing is about I think.

I don't see being yourself as wishy washy at all. Just the opposite in fact. Being who you are and true to it while balancing your needs and obligations to society can be one of the hardest things there is to learn in my opinion. It takes courage to identify and embrace out of the norm-though what the norm is depends on the group of course.

I may adjust my behavior within a group in order to respect the rights of that group and not hurt others but I will not change who I am as a man or my intrinsic values for anyone. Period. I am who I am and I m proud of it at last. If I'm not then I'll change it. Nor do I care much if people don't respond well or like me anymore. Which oddly enough has resulted in people liking me and accepting me beyond anything I have ever known or imagined.

For us particularly I think that self acceptance and embracing who we are rather than attempting to define ourselves and meet the norms and expectations of others is vital to our happiness. Our socialization is different. Our brain connections are different and our view of life is affected by that. I can't be judged by or conform to a world that is fundamentally not equipped to understand me. Other trans people will be as individual as anyone else and I can't expect them to all like me or me them or to have that many shared values necessarily. Issues sometimes but issues and values are not the same thing.

As trans people we do have to figure out who we are and work out a new identity that fits us in many cases but trying to conform to the needs and standards of others will just make me miserable and miserable people are not likable anyway. So I will say "Be yourself and true to yourself". It is the only way in my observation. And you will find people will be drawn to you who share your real values and the relationships are then more meaningful when you do relate

I am me first-my core set of values and talents and beliefs, a man second and a trans person only after that. I define my values but cannot-will not define myself because definitions by their nature limit and I hate limitations. Besides definitions just never fit. I'm me. Take it or leave it. And I like it. I may participate in different communities but they are just that-a place I participate and not something that can define me.

There is only one you. Celebrate it.

Johnny

[Flint]

I don't see being yourself as wishy washy at all. Just the opposite in fact. Being who you are and true to it while balancing your needs and obligations to society can be one of the hardest things there is to learn in my opinion. It takes courage to identify and embrace out of the norm-though what the norm is depends on the group of course.

Johnny

As transmen we are different. And I di understand about the LGBT community. It is nice now and then to associate with people who have faced some of the same societal pressures and all but in many ways I am fundamentally different and if I am militant about anything at this point I am a militant individualist. It is human nature to want to define yourself but it is also human nature to attack those who are different and to eat anything available. We can and do move past parts of human nature. That is a big part of what civilization and maturing is about I think.

I don't see being yourself as wishy washy at all. Just the opposite in fact. Being who you are and true to it while balancing your needs and obligations to society can be one of the hardest things there is to learn in my opinion. It takes courage to identify and embrace out of the norm-though what the norm is depends on the group of course.

I may adjust my behavior within a group in order to respect the rights of that group and not hurt others but I will not change who I am as a man or my intrinsic values for anyone. Period. I am who I am and I m proud of it at last. If I'm not then I'll change it. Nor do I care much if people don't respond well or like me anymore. Which oddly enough has resulted in people liking me and accepting me beyond anything I have ever known or imagined.

For us particularly I think that self acceptance and embracing who we are rather than attempting to define ourselves and meet the norms and expectations of others is vital to our happiness. Our socialization is different. Our brain connections are different and our view of life is affected by that. I can't be judged by or conform to a world that is fundamentally not equipped to understand me. Other trans people will be as individual as anyone else and I can't expect them to all like me or me them or to have that many shared values necessarily. Issues sometimes but issues and values are not the same thing.

As trans people we do have to figure out who we are and work out a new identity that fits us in many cases but trying to conform to the needs and standards of others will just make me miserable and miserable people are not likable anyway. So I will say "Be yourself and true to yourself". It is the only way in my observation. And you will find people will be drawn to you who share your real values and the relationships are then more meaningful when you do relate

I am me first-my core set of values and talents and beliefs, a man second and a trans person only after that. I define my values but cannot-will not define myself because definitions by their nature limit and I hate limitations. Besides definitions just never fit. I'm me. Take it or leave it. And I like it. I may participate in different communities but they are just that-a place I participate and not something that can define me.

There is only one you. Celebrate it.

Johnny

I wasn't meaning it was wishy washy to be yourself. More the idea that you can just go ahead and be yourself without any sort of defining of oneself.