Came out, feel terrible

[Guest AlexR]

I went to my family doctor today. I've been having problems with extreme mood swings for the last couple of weeks and wanted to get his opinion as he is the prescriber of my anti-depressants. Long story short, for various reasons, he believes the problem is medication based and we are going to try some different dosages, prescriptions, though he also took a blood test. He also asked me about sources of stress in my life. I told him my usuals, but I somehow also mentioned that I was having issues relating to my gender identity. I had not intended to tell him about it. I have my first therapist appointment on Monday, and had meant for her to be the first one I told face to face (since I seem currently unable to tell my wife). He was very professional and did not seem judgmental about it, but also didn't really mention it again after I told him, All I've wanted to do since I told him is cry. Now I really wish I had just kept my mouth shut until Monday. I'm afraid that this is going to make it harder for me to open up with my therapist. I feel so stupid. Maybe this is just related to my mood swing problem as he really didn't do anything negative, but I am so embarrassed and should have waited until I was talking to someone who could take the time to talk to me about it.

[VickySGV]

Coming out is such a truly personal moment that it can nearly crush us, even when it turns out fine. I think it turned out fine, but I am certain that the doctor was NOT trained in any sort of GD work, nor was he Trans* himself. Cis people, even the ones who accept us and who are firm allies, will not ever fully understand what we have done by coming out. We have exposed our darkest and most terrible secrets of self to them, and since they cannot understand this, the ones who accept us do so with sort of a shrug. "Ok, you are Trans*, I'm fine with it, lets go grab a hamburger." All of this in response to a major emotional outflowing in our lives!! It can seriously leave us with hurt and anger, and the other person will be "hey what did I do ???" because they just don't have a clue. What you needed at that moment was a big smile and hug, and some reassurance that you were accepted and honored and now identified as your true self.

Your therapist if a Cis person, will have learned by training, to acknowledge your efffort and your courage to face your true self and welcome it. If they are Trans* themselves, then they will have experienced the same tides of involvement that you and I have experienced and will remember their own coming out. It is a special experience, and your doctor did not see it for what it was.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Huggggs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Guest AlexR]

Thanks for the hug, Vicky. I could really use one. Still been cryey since it happened (5 hours now). Most of it has been internal as I've had to be good parent this afternoon. My daughter is in bed now and I'm alone and just can't stop. I think you really nailed it on the head with the "let's go get a hamburger" thing. It was such a huge deal for me, and it probably doesn't mean hardly a thing to him. He's a nice man, and has been my doctor for about 14 years, but we don't have any type of close relationship - personal or professional. I also have a hard time trusting men in general, I don't know what I was thinking in telling him. All I can think about is how he thinks I'm some sort of freak or how sad he feels for my wife to be married to such a poor excuse of a man. I know I'm being totally unfair to him, especially since he really wasn't bad with it at all, but it is hard. That little internal voice that's been berating me my whole life is having a field day with this.

I've got a thousand things that I need to be doing right now, but I just can't get myself up and get started. Hopefully I'll have one of those mood swings soon.

Thanks for listening to me whine...

Alex

[Guest LilyRose]

Coming out is extremely hard, especially for beautiful people like us. I believe that we are dark horses in the GLBTIQ movement. I told my parents and my father was fine with it but my mother and I have been at each other's throats since. She tells me that she would rather me be gay, because gay can be "fixed" and that's her real stance on the issue. It is awful for her to think that, but that's how her religious beliefs cloud her judgement. Like today, she saw that I was wearing clear nail polish. I knew what she was thinking and I was right. She told me to stop doing what I am doing and "stay openminded to accept manhood" and everything will be fine. But it isn't fine, because she wants me to see what she does and I cannot. So I understand your pain when people can be less than accepting. So I've been in and out of tears today as well, it's horrible but we know we are on the right track.

BIG HUGS! We need to be reminded that we are here for each other and that's what matters most. It is absolutely terrible he didn't do much to help you, but I hope that we can make up for it. You are not a freak, you are finally true to yourself, and that's what matters most. Everyone here and I are rooting for you!

More hugs incoming!
Lily Rose

[Guest Astrosmurf]

Oh flip, sounds like three of us had an awful day today.

All I can think about is how he thinks I'm some sort of freak or how sad he feels for my wife to be married to such a poor excuse of a man. I know I'm being totally unfair to him, especially since he really wasn't bad with it at all, but it is hard. That little internal voice that's been berating me my whole life is having a field day with this.

Alex, I still kind of have this but I got to realise more recently where these kinds of berating thoughts come from. I used to think of them as projections - like for example, your doctor might have been thinking anything at all, but in the absence of him saying anything good or bad you've ascribed these thoughts to him like you're kind of filling in the gap. I did that so much and then I'd double beat myself up for imagining other people were thinking such negative things about me. It just made me feel even wronger than I already felt. And then I realised eventually that these kinds of berating thoughts actually DON'T belong to or originate with me. They really do belong to other people or society's transphobia, they're the poisonous 'introjects' we've been collecting and swallowing deep down inside us since day one. It's helped me to see those negative self-berating thoughts as alien to myself, toxic furballs that have collonised my mind over the years. Seeing them that way helps me get a bit of objective distance so they can't swamp me the same way they used to. Like LilyRose says we're beautiful people. If you just look at the native American transgender folk and how their society treated and honoured them you'll see it's true, you don't deserve to be berated and you've done a great thing sharing your truth with another even if it didn't go like you hoped or imagined first time round. So please don't lose heart

You are not a freak, you are finally true to yourself, and that's what matters most. Everyone here and I are rooting for you!

[Guest DianeATL]

So sorry that you are upset, I know just how emotional it is to come out to anyone, and the first time is the worst. Vicky is probably right, the doctor is not trained, may have never had that happen before and was caught off guard not really sure how to react. He did remain professional and did not try to respond inappropriately either.

It's probably good that you got it out once before your appointment. You broke the ice, now the second time will be easier, not easy but easier. It will always be tough until you become comfortable with it yourself. Working with your therapist is great and hopefully will get you to a point where you can honestly say, yea, I am trans, so what. When you can think it and say it like yea I am a red head, that's the way I was born, then you will become more comfortable coming out. That may take years and there is no timetable but the key is that you are accepting and comfortable with yourself.

Don't beat yourself up, you are doing the right thing working with a therapist and it will get better, promise.

Hugs,

Diane

[Guest AlexR]

I am so lucky to have come here and met you wonderful ladies! I am feeling a lot better today.. as long as I don't think too hard about it. I don't know where I would be without ya'lls encouragement. Also, thank you Lily for patiently listening to me go on and on about it last night. It really is nice to know that there are people out there who doesn't judge me negatively for what is going on inside (I'm unfortunately not one of those people, yet!) Crying again (it seems like all I ever do anymore), but it is because I have met such beautiful people.

Love,

Alex

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Alex,

Don't be upset about opening up to your doctor.

He is a professional and is only concerned about your health.

Advice before seeing your Therapist.

Get a good night sleep.

Write down any questions that you have so that you do not forget to ask your Therapist.

Be open and honest with your Therapist to get the maximum help.

Do not be embarrassed about any questions or feelings you have. They are Professional.

Here is a link that may also help you.

Therapy: Your First Visit http://www.thetransitionalmale.com/Therapy.html

I would also ask your GT if they can recommend any TG Support Groups or LGBT Centers.

These Groups can be very helpful, especially between GT visits.

I wish you Success and Happiness on your Journey.

Remember, take baby steps, set small goals that you can easily accomplish rather than large goals that are difficulty to accomplish.

Enjoy every day to the fullest.

Hugs,
Carla

[Guest AlexR]

Thanks for the link! There is some good advise there and in your post. Unfortunately I am not seeing a GT, just a local psychologist. She does have a good reputation, but I am nervous on how she will react to me. There are no Gender Therapists within 100 miles of my location (at least listed). I could possibly do one with Skype, but I would not be able to do it secretly. Part of what I'm hoping to get from therapy is to figure out how to talk to my wife about all of this. She knows I am going to go see someone about my depression, just not all the details. Once everything is out in the open, I can start seeing a gender therapist if I need to. I'm still not sure where I ultimately hope to go with this. I don't know if I want to go full time. All I really want is to be myself, and be happy with that. I want to be able to clap my hands in delight. I want to be able to admire a pretty outfit, or some kickin' boots (Seriously... I LOVE BOOTS). I want to be able to dress in something that makes me feel cute. I want to not worry about how I walk or what I talk about or pretend to care about some guy's sports/hunting/sexual conquest stories. I want to be able to do all that and not worry about what people think or worry about my job, safety, or how people will treat my daughter if they knew the real me. I really do want HRT, but maybe not yet. Apparently I don't produce a lot of testosterone anyway, though part of me screams that every extra second I let it poison my system is producing more and more irreparable damage.

Sorry, kinda went overboard, there. I just feel like I'm about to burst. I also feel embarrassed because I feel like my problems are ultimately trivial compared to others. I feel like I'm being incredibly selfish and trying to burden everyone else with my problems. (even writing that sentence made me feel the same way... I'm a mess). I'm just all over the place. I am positive that I know what I want and 10 minutes later I am certain that it was the stupidest idea I've ever had. I really hope that I'm able to get a hold of myself soon.

Wow, this post has gotten incredibly chaotic. I kept getting interrupted and I think I was in 3 different moods for different parts of it...Not looking for free therapy, just venting a little bit. I really am seeing someone on Monday.

Thanx,

Alex

[Guest sally-jane]

hi alex i know how scared you can be telling your doctor as i did it a few weeks back and i was already out to my family so hun heres a big hug from me, we are all here for you

[Guest LizMarie]

Your doctor sounds like he handled it professionally and discretely. Relax! Your first real discussion of the issue will be with your gender therapist. Have faith in yourself and your therapist and make the honest effort to open up. You may be surprised at how easy it is once you get started.

[Guest Rebecca A]

Wow Vicky and AlexR what you said about others not understanding just made sense to me really spoke to me. I kind of had the same feeling everyone I came out to was like, 'yeah, no big deal.' And part of me was waiting for a big reaction and when I wasn't getting it, I was like what's going on, how come no one realizes this is a HUGE deal. Though AlexR for your situation I think the doctor was fine and as you even said he didn't do anything negative. My PCP was actually one of the last people I told, and when he said how long have you known this, and I said I've been struggling with it for 6 years, he said, 'why didn't you ever tell me?' So you never know what reaction you're going to get and well, when we get very little reaction it does have some feedback on us as we are upset that it seems like the other person doesn't understand how big of a moment it is.