Don't Know Where To Post This And If It Is Helpful To Others,

[Guest Frank67]

Hi,

as someone of you know I am male, 41 years old and bi. To be bi was never a problem for me, I know that for 26 years now and it was not important to tell someone. But last December I told my parents after a hassle about my life. It seems that my mother ignored or didn't catch it and my father didn't said a word about. Now, 2 month later he called me today to talk about my brother and after a while he asked me: "Are you really bi" and I said yes - 3 times cuz he didn't believe me. Now he is disapointed about me being bi and said that it was a waste of time to save some money for me, cuz I never would have a wife and to be bi is the same like to be gay . I tried to ignore his words and told him that nothing changed and I am the same person than before, but all he said was not to tell my mom and relatives and he don't like to talk about it with me. That is ok, it is my life and I don't want to talk about it, too. But wearing my earring was always a sign for him that I am different like others. Eh, wearing an earring does this mean you are bi or gay, that is rubbish. Hm, over 20 years ago we had a saying about wearing an earring - "left gay, right side cool, guess on which side I have my earring - right, on the left side, cuz I thought the saying was "left cool, right side gay" He also told me that everyone of the family and relatives would know after a while I didn't hide that but no one recognized it over the last 26 years. So, why should this happen no - I don't walk like a woman or have a pink handbag. I also believe that my brother and my 2 cousins would be cool with it, but I promised not to tell anybody. I am stupid - I know, but I wanted a rest from him.

I think to come out via phone is not the best idea , but it is my father's problem and not mine. My best gf know it as long as we know each other and I told her about my father today. All she said with a smile was," He need some time to get used to it", but this is the problem. My father always makes a mountain out of a molehill. Some years I crashed my car and this was more worse for him than for me It took about 2 weeks for him to accept that my car was gone to the junkyard.

Hm, why do I wrote this, just to show the younger ones here in the forum that I can understand that it is not easy to come out, no matter how old you are and that parents could react positive or negative. My parents are old-fashioned and homophobic and my dad is 67 now, but I am glad he is still alive after that phone call.

Hugs

Frank

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Good place to post it. You are brave and capable and it shows in your posting. Like you said, it is your father's problem. He will probably come around, but it is so discouraging when you get treated like that.

We hear you!

Lizzy

[Guest Donna Jean]

Yes, Frank....

Very brave and I appreciate you saying that for others to hear....

It is hard for the younger ones, but, it's difficult at any age.....Thank you

Oh...............

I just went ahead and got both of mine pierced......let them worry about what means what!!

Thanks, Frank.....

Huggs...

Donna Jean

[Sally]

Frank,

I can understand completely, my mother is still in denial about me and if the subject comes up she tells me why I can't be a transsexual, even though most of what she says really goes to support the fact.

I had told my sister first so when mother asked me not to tell my daddy, I haven't, I can talk to my sister by long distance, she is trying to understand.

She loves me unconditionally but can't call me by my name (Sally) yet, but she has never seen me as Sally.

I read her my stories and poems over the phone as best I can, I tend to cry a lot when I read them. (nothing like when I write them )

Life goes on.

Maybe one day she will acceot me for me not for him, but if not I will survive and I will live my life as me.

You are a good person, Frank and that should be good enough for your father or anyone else.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Zabrak]

Hey, Frank...

Sorry to hear your father is taking it so hard but the car thing blew over afer he had a big fit over it right? Hopefully, he'll get over this too. I don't know him as well as you but it's good to hope. at lest.

I think it's good your girlfriend can smile at this because theres nothing wrong with you - the only person causing the problem is family members who make a big deal out of something that is personal to your life.

[Guest Frank67]

Sally, Donna Jean, Lizzy and Zabrak,

thanks for your understanding. As you and I said this is my fathers problem now and I told him yesterday. I also said it is not a disease nor is there a pill against it and this is me since I was 15. I thought I know my parents, but that my father is homophobic is new, I always thought they are open minded. OMG, I was so wrong. It seems they can accept others far easier than their own child.

@Donna Jean,

that is unfair I always wanted a second one, but now I think I keep the one I have. Another one is not a really good idea now.

@Zabrak

Ha, one big fit - countless if you mean spell/insult. I was angry, too for 2 days, longer is just a waste of time. You are right this is personal and if he won't get over it I can't change this. 2 weeks for a car, for me, well, let's see. Trust me you don't want to know my dad.

I have to say I didn't sleep well last night and right now I only can stand it with dark humor.

So, what am I?

bisexual - I know that and I am wearing an earing

androgyn - Hm, the Cogiati test told me this -20 to +30 points. My best female friend made the test yesterday and she scored a 2 near to the 1 for male. I must lie if I want to score 1 for male.

fool - my father named me that

black sheep - my mother named my that, several times

vulcan - my cousin said my ears look like Spocks' just smaller cuz they are not rounded, they are spiky (thats hard to explain). I think he is right I never saw a person with ears like mine

this all makes me a

crazy, bisexual, andro black sheep from Vulcan

The best thing what I can do right now is to laugh about the situation cuz I can't change it anymore. I wish I never told him.

[Sally]

Frank,

Never look back and wish to change something, it just makes you sad again.

Always look forward, if you have to look back, just look at the good times - you will be much happier.

Be glad that you told your dad because now you don't have to worry about him finding out!

Always be positive (do as I say not as I do)

Love ya, you crazy, bisexual, andro black sheep from Vulcan,

Sally ( a simple MTF transsexual from a galaxy far, far away)

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

Hey Frank,

I'm sorry your Dad is having trouble understanding you, but you did well to be honest. The most important thing, sometimes, is to be accepting of and proud of who you are. When you hold your chin up and say, "this is who I am, and theres nothing wrong with it," sometimes it helps people to see that you are right. Hopefully, eventually, he will come around. Either way, I am sure he loves you, and you clearly love him, so something like this shouldnt matter anyway.

I've talked to most of my family and all of my friends. The only person Ive never talked to is my dad. Im not at all sure how he would take things. Personally, I would like to be able to sit down and talk to him and not have the unspoken friction in my heart. I do not require his acceptance, or anyone else's, any more. I do want it, but I have decided that it isn't necissary. Being accepted or rejected does nto change the essential facts. It will not make a thing not be so.

But its hard. We always fear losing loved ones, and rightly so. The people we love and who love us in return are very important. But where there is love, there also is strength and healing.

Just be who you are, live your life, and be proud of yourself. Other people will evolve or they won't, and aside from these simple things, there isn't much you can do to change their minds about anything.

[Guest Kelly Ann]

weeeell...Live Long and Prosper Frank V_ (crummy attempt at the Vulcan Hi Sign) walks away feeling artistically challenged....

[Guest Frank67]

So, it is Saturday and after a night of tears I made 2 decision now.

1. I am what I am and there is now way to change that.

I can not describe the things that my father (no dad or daddy anymore) named last Monday. I just don't know the words for in English, only one and that was pervert. Hm, since yesterday they are talking to me again, but I can see they feel very uncomfortable.

He told that mother, but I had to promise not to tell everyone *grrr*, so I thought the heck with it and told two friends I am bi 2 days ago. They didn't believe me and one of them used to say he knows when someone is gay. I said," You know me for 23 years now and I think you need much more practice".

Yesterday my male cousin has paid my a visit and after a while I told him, too. He is kewl with it and he knows about my problems with my parents. To write that all down would fill a book. I am closer to my cousins than to the rest of my family. If I need someone to talk I can count one them. I know he asked my parents some time ago why they treat my this way all the time and all he got was - it doesn't concern you.

I think I will never tell my aunt (she and my mother are twins - uhhhh) and uncle, but I also think that my uncle would have no problem with it.

I tried the last 20 years to be the person my parents wanted me to be, but now it is enough. I can't do this any longer and I can't maintain them any longer. I must be a complete flaw and I don't know why. I think my father wanted a clone and not a person with a own mind. Everything what I do or say is wrong or against him.

2. If they need me they can count on me, but I don't want to see them that often anymore. I think every 2 or 3 weeks is enough for the moment and if there is a chance for a talk I will try to explain that to them. The problem here is we live not far away, by car 5 minutes, but the good thing is I replaced all locks and they don't have a key anymore. They will get one after some time has gone by, but not for the moment.

Sorry for the rant and if there is a lot of jumping around, sorry for that, again. To write with tears in your eyes is very hard, especially, when the language is not your native one.

@Sally

I try to, you simple MTF transsexual from a galaxy far, far away and a lot of hugs

@Isobelle Fox

You tell me what I told others, but I never thought that a coming out could cause these problems and I am only bi (hope this is not misunderstood). I am 41 and but only now I can understand the younger ones here that they are afraid to tell someone.

@Kelly Ann

Ishk-veng ni... koomihn. He is so... human

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Frank

Sorry to hear you father is still so hostile. Being Bi in this world of today is nothing out of the ordinary, but he does not understand that. I am 61 and I thought I was a cross dresser, but I found out rather late that I am transsexual. I didn't make that choice - it just happened. Same for you.

But my point is I never understood sexual orientation before. I always thought I was heterosexual, but now that I am transitioning? My thoughts turn to men in ways I never had before. I suspect it is my change of self image as much as the hormones. I am probably bisexual now, my therapist is helping me understand. But I just don't care what I am, I just want to be happy.

My father would have NEVER accepted me as a transsexual, much less as bisexual. He is deceased. He had so much baggage with his homophobia, which was terriblly out of control, I now suspect he had his own gender identity problems.

So we never know why others refuse to accept us. We really only know ourseves, sometimes imperfectly.

I wish you better luck and understanding in the future.

Lizzy

[Guest shyheather]

Yes, Frank....

Very brave and I appreciate you saying that for others to hear....

It is hard for the younger ones, but, it's difficult at any age.....Thank you

Oh...............

I just went ahead and got both of mine pierced......let them worry about what means what!!

Thanks, Frank.....

Huggs...

Donna Jean

You go girl pierced both of mine years ago makes people wonder their problem and easier to to be me when i have time

off topic but oh well

and the young ones do need to hear this it's not easy

[Guest mia 1]

It is so hard for parents to accept the facts of their children's sexual orientation, if it does not conform to the "norm" society sets.

However I have found out that after a period of "rational thought' Moms and Dads almost always come back to their children with the unconditional love they were programmed with by nature.

So after the initial anger and denial things in the family usually return to a stasis situation. Their might be a few scabs that have to heal over an extended time but soon "Father" will become daddy again.

Wait and see. I believe I'm right.....Mia.

[Guest Frank67]

I know I didn't post the last time (also not in the introduction forums, sorry, I will change that) cuz I had a lot to do, but I wanna give u a little update.

I think after 7 weeks and a visit today, my parents can look me in the eyes again and they are acting normal (what u can call normal in our family ) and I must say mia was right with that.

It is so hard for parents to accept the facts of their children's sexual orientation, if it does not conform to the "norm" society sets.

However I have found out that after a period of "rational thought' Moms and Dads almost always come back to their children with the unconditional love they were programmed with by nature.

So after the initial anger and denial things in the family usually return to a stasis situation. Their might be a few scabs that have to heal over an extended time but soon "Father" will become daddy again.

Wait and see. I believe I'm right.....Mia.

My brother told me they had a long conversation about my letter and they still can not understand it, but they are trying to accept it. This is more than I can desire. I wrote more in the letter, not only being bi (sounds funny for Germans), but I think the rest will never change, but it is a good start. 2 weeks for a car, 7 weeks for me - not too bad

What have I learned from it - you have to be patient with your parents and friends, especially for the parents it is not easy. Please, don't rush your parents to accept changes very quickly, it can take a lot of time.

Hugs

Frank