Anniversary Of A Disaster -- but Tomorrow is Coming

[VickySGV]

Five years ago on October 9, 2008 I had taken what I hoped was a final dose of pills and an extra pint of Jeremiah Red Ale at BJ's Brewery Restaurant, followed by 90 oz of Olde English 800 malt liquor at home. It had to be a final dose of piils because the doctor who had been so great to prescribe them was out of the country and would not be back for three more days. My blood pressure was already at nearly 200 over 150 as I crashed on the bed at damn close to midnight. How or why I took my BP that night is a total mystery, but the machine recorded those numbers about 11 PM on that day. None of us really know HOW my blood sugar stayed below 300 or why I did not have a stroke from the blood pressure that night. In the morning though, while I was surprised to wake up, I wanted the medication, and the only way to get more was by going into the urgent care clinic at my HMO. I did not get any alcohol or medications on October 10, but I got someone to listen to me at very last and they heard a cry for help I was too miserable to know I even made.

Today was too early to celebrate a sobriety anniversary, but it was a day for me to work on some issues that have come up since that terrible day when I drank to what I hoped was my final oblivion. It seemed a good day to make a visit out to a cemetery where a number of my relatives are buried, and where I have met their ghosts many times over the years. The weather cooperated nicely too, with our first cold, heavy rainstorm of the year!! A black top, black slacks and shoes were a perfect match for the scene. I could even have worn a black wig that is pretty on me, but with the rain, my own hair was better. This was my first visit back to the cemetery since my SRS, and while I was feeling subdued and contemplative, I felt a pride in myself and a self assurance that I have not felt before.

The graves I primarily wanted to visit were actually niches in an outdoor mausoleum that for years had contained the remains of my great aunt and uncle, and my mother. This time though, one more set of remains was there too. The remains of my oldest sister who committed suicide in July 2011 are now in the niche with my mother, and her epitaph is now on the front of the niche. My mother's epitaph plaque is a light copper oxide green, and the lettering is also faded, but the plaque for my sister stood out in emerald green and bright bronze. I just stood there, first talking to my mother and my great aunt and as I have in the past felt love even if it is a puzzled and fearful one from my mother. At the very last I looked at my sister's name, shaking my head with tears breaking slightly as I did. In looking at the epitaph, I felt anger and sadness mixed, and at last I fully broke down choking and yelling softly, Why couldn't she have been honest about her mental problems, her fear and anger from it? She never knew me and what I could have been for her had she just waited even a few more days. I was a brother she had to compete with and had to better, and yet from time to time looked to for protection, a protection I gave her by risking myself in many real ways. I had to protect and endure for her sake. This was not her opinion only, it was our father's as well.

I did not feel any response from her as I did the other three, and perhaps it is too soon for that.

It was several minutes before I was able to do something that was symbolic only, I stood up straight with my shoulders back and breasts high in a very female pose, and asked all of them to look at me, this was the me who they had "code named" for so many years but I had been that person too.

As usual, I kissed my finger tips and touched it to the names on the burial niches of my mother, aunt and uncle, and then after a long minute did the same to my sisters epitaph, and walked out to the sidewalk and saw a rainbow to the east of the cemetery.

In four minutes it will be my 5th anniversary of beginning sobriety on this trip up the steps.

[Charlize]

Thank you for sharing that important experience. It brought me tears. When i go to the graveyard and visit my Mom , Dad and Son the feelings are so strong, i somehow dig so deep into myself. I feel that in your post. I'm so glad your HP kept you around and didn't let you leave us. 5 years of growth as well. You are blessed and we are to know you.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Michelle 2010]

Thank you for sharing this powerful part of your life and journey in recovery Vicky. You amply demonstrate the axiom that its not so much what happens to us in life but rather how we deal with it. You show a depth, a resilience and appreciation for your life and where you come from that is inspiring.

Hugs

Michelle