My ED Has Taken Over My Life

[Guest Amelia]

Hey all. It's been forever since I've posted on these forums, and it's because I've really lost confidence in myself. Change happened, sure. I've transitioned well. I'm full-time, on my 9th month of hormones, and have my name/gender marker change in court this Tuesday.

But my eating disorder has absorbed everything in my life. The past 9 months has seen my spiritual and psychological focus shift from gender dysphoria to my eating disorder. Now that I've grown more complacent about my gender transformation (everyone sees/hears/perceives me as a girl), I've focused on what I focused my misery on before all this: my weight. My shape. How fat I am.

I've come from anorexia from age 12-13 to weightlifting and healthy eating at 14 to binge-eating from 14.5 to now. The purging began about a year ago, around the time the hormones came in. I just hate myself for my appearance. Sometimes I enjoy what I see, but then focus on something else. I always hate everything: my skin, acne scars, face shape, and last but not least, my body-shape. My stomach. My muscularity under my fat.

I think I'm at 143 or so- at a healthy weight and where I should be, according to the eating disorder residential facility I ran away from around 6 days ago (amazingly I've lost weight past the bingeing). I was put in there by my parents with my full consent for only a week. The staff expected everyone to stay for 60 days, but they didn't expect my parents to be forced to pay out of pocket for each day- $1000 per. Insurance sucks. But it was an extremely controlled setting. Standing for 30 seconds constituted as exercise, and would be chastised. Every meal was regulated and there was only possibility for success.

Sadly I was too socially anxious living with pretty, skinny girls, no matter how sick they were. I felt inadequate as a girl and extremely fat and gross in comparison. My social space went from zero to a thousand, considering I rarely left the house or came down the stairs. It was too much, so I did the ballsiest thing of my life and ran out of the facility, pushing a staff member away from the door. They caught me and expected me to go to a suicide ward. Instead, I called my dad and BSed about being driven to the hospital. My dad immediately gave in like always and drove me home.

I thought there could be a difference, but I immediately binged and purged intensely the 3 days I was out. Then I became suicidal and hashed out a plan. I was out of options, and a councilor found out. I was just released from the psychiatric facility and 51/50 this evening. Immediately I binged and purged. And I know I will continue to. I'm scared about where my life can go from here. I don't want to give up my ED. I want to lose weight. I want to be beautiful. But that intense desire turns into self-destructive bingeing.

These forums are dead, so I don't expect a response. It's nice to put it out there though. To reach out in a mundane way online. I've exhausted nearly every resource out there- weekly ED therapist and dietician meetings, hotlines, and now a failed residential hospitalization. I'm forcing myself to go back to public school as that will change everything- I crave social interaction. But my ED is so painfully destructive. And I don't know what to do.

[Charlize]

Oh my dear. i feel for you. I'm so glad that i never suffered from that one problem. I have to stand on the scale every day but as a vegetarian i've never had a problem with binging. I can eat as many vegetables as i can stand and never gain weight. I rest at a healthy weight for me and while i also have body issues they haven't been a problem. My problem was alcohol and i fought with that for years until a little over 6 years ago i got into a 12 step program. That saved my life. It made my transition possible, saving me and my family.

I can only hope that you are given a way to a healthy life as well. It really is up to us as individuals. All the programs in the world don't help until we open to them. When we open miracles occur, our lives can be beyond our wildest dreams.

I was often worried about how i looked until a beautiful young woman told me to make sure i didn't fall into the trap that so many fall into. We never feel we are pretty enough. Oddly the rest of the world thinks we are beautiful. It is up to us and at the same time we can't do it alone.

You have reached out. Keep on doing that and you will find the help you need. I'm here for you as are others here. Please let us know how things are going. Your struggle can help others who also suffer as their struggle can help you.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest April Kristie]

We all face that image that we build up in our heads of what we would like to look like versus what we actually look like. It is no secret that many females hae body image issues, genetic ones and those of us entering their world. Don't be dissapointed by what you consider imperfection if we all did that no one would leave their houses. It does get better with time,you need the support of loving indivuals, I suggest you surround yourself with supportive people. The boot camp approach isn't always the answer, that has to come from within. And with the help of others like yourself you can hopefully lift yourself up and get past these thoughts that have you programmed into a repetitive action. Be introspective, know why you do what you do and try to change it, can't do it alone? There are professionals in the real world with more answers than I can suggest here. Best of luck to you, you are in my thoughts, may the universe love and protect you from you. Remember you are one of a kind and very beautiful, so love yourself!

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Amelia,

I believe that I provided this information to you in a previous post.

I am re-posting this in case you somehow misplaced it.

We are all concern about our body image.

I also told you how I lost 90lbs in 3 months by becoming anorexic.

I can speak from personal experience, this was not the proper way to loose weight.

These 2 links list some very helpful information for you about your ED.

PLEASE give some careful thought to these links.

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/information-referral-helpline (Voice Number & Chat Line) (Other GOOD information on the left of the page)

http://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/recovery/support-groups/california-ca (California ED Support Groups, the Majority are free)

I wish you Success and Happiness on controlling your ED and also on your Journey.

Hugs,

Carla

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Amelia,

ED is common in the LGBT Population.

I have provided a link to a Good PDF on ED in the LGBT Population. http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/sites/default/files/ResourceHandouts/LGBTQ.pdf

I hope this is of some help top you.

I wish you Success and Happiness in dealing with your ED and also your Journey.

Hugs,

Carla

[Guest Zayden]

Amelia -

I hope that things are a bit better for you. I just wanted to share my own experience. I was once anorexic, and I recovered. Now I binge eat but I am working to control that too.

But I also have watched my best friend go from a happy teen to a young adult who is obsessed with exercise and eating healthy and she finds it to be a compulsion. I fear for her, as I do for you. I've seen both sides of the coin with ED.

Matt