Why Am I This Way?

[Guest Jordan13]

Yes, I'm transsexual, but why? I'm not attracted to men, but women. I'm also very shy and an untouchable. When I say 'untouchable' I mean that no-one finds me attractive, therefore do not have relationships. I did get lucky once though and had a relationship from the age of 26 that lasted for 3½ years. That woman's heart belonged elsewhere, but she gave in to my advances because she was lonely. I am now 55.

Being an untouchable is a very bitter pill to swallow. It's an ailment, the same as being a diabetic or an asthmatic. It's very unpleasant and degrading being starved of sex and affection.

I was in a long term relationship that lasted about 18 months from the age of about 9 or 10, which makes me pretty unique. Although me and that girlfriend never had sex, I felt the same affection for her as I would feel for a woman in adulthood. It started when me and that lovely girl made eye-to-eye contact in the school playground and I felt a sense of love. It must have been the same for her, as she was soon asking to go out with me. Being very shy, I kept turning her down. She must have seen right through me and persevered. I happily gave in to her after a few asks. So here was a relationship that began through a reversal of roles; her doing the pursuing and me playing 'hard to get,' despite the fact that I wanted her desperately. Had it been down to me, it would never have happened and I would have suffered enormously from a crush that wouldn't go away.

My pre-pubescent relationship eventually fizzled out and I was alone but always had a crush on someone. I had several crushes during my teen years but did not have the confidence or the ability to take it any further. One of those was a very serious crush from the age of 15 and has never really gone away 40 years later.

At the age of about 16, my sister left home and I moved into her bedroom. She left behind some clothes that she didn't care about anymore and that's when I started cross-dressing. I couldn't believe I was doing such a thing, but it eventually became a habit. Thanks to mail order catalogues, I eventually was able to build up a wardrobe. as the clothes that my sister left behind wasn't really doing it for me anymore. Wearing women's clothes can only take you so far though. You're still stuck with your male body.

Today I'm truly transexual 24/7 and in my opinion it was triggered off by not having access to women. Given the choice, I would transform to being a true woman at the blink of an eye. I want to have sex with a man, but I don't have a vagina. I want to be a woman whose straight, not lesbian, even though in my man's body I am not remotely interested in men. I fantasize about being a women who has sex with men. This is a contradiction that I find totally bewildering. When I first started self gratification at the age of 11, I fantasized that I was having sex with a girl in my class at school. She was the tallest girl in the school and unattractive. As I fantasized whilst self gratification, I would be the girl and she would be the boy.

So there you have it, I can't understand my predicament. My statement has at least two contradictions. I would like your opinions as to why I am what I am. Does anyone agree that my transexualism is down to being starved of affection? My mother deserted us when I was 5, would that have had some sort of effect? I wish that I could be normal; i.e. a man with access to women or else to actually be a woman, instead of option 3. I hate living a double life, having to hide bras, skirts etc before I invite someone into my home.

[Charlize]

Jordan,

First let me welcome you to Laura's playground. We ask all new members to read the terms and conditions at the bottom of any page.

Thank you for sharing with us. It is a difficult thing to do. After opening up here i found that i understood myself so much better after some time. There is much that i and others do not understand about our gender issues. They are linked with our sexuality sometimes but often not at all. I wish i had more answers for you but i do know i shared some of your fantasies as a child. Please read and post and in doing so you may find some answers and also gain more acceptance of yourself. It also helps at times to go to a gender therapist or other mental professional to share and understand your path.

When i first came here i considered myself a cross dresser. I didn't know there was anything else or if i did i didn't want to face the possibilities. Dressing was enough and that is true and wonderful for many. Laura's has helped me as has my GT. I have found myself and while i don't know why i am here i am content as i have never been. I hope you find the same peace.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Rebecca A]

Hi Jordan,

Welcome to LP, and I am happy you shared with us. I don't know about being an 'untouchable' and find many times it may be a self-confidence issue, saying that is because well you seem to have an inner beauty that I think you may need to let shine. Just reading your writing I can see your spirit is beautiful. So I'm not sure about the specifics but I hope you find your way.

As far as being a straight woman, I totally understand the idea, for years I pondered the idea of being a gay man, and it never fit. I was like what is going on, I have these behaviors, other kids would often make fun of me and call me gay. I even had an episode at lunch where someone was making fun of me saying I bet you wear barbie underwear. So I think I was giving 'vibes' off from a very young age, of course all of these experiences and having therapists and parents who didn't understand what was going on just made me suppress myself. Now as a 'man' I was attracted to women, though the physical encounters I have had have never been very great or 'euphoric' so to speak. So part of me wondered if I just admired women and what they had, that I may have been jealous and attracted to them out of a want to be them. Then as a woman, well I want to be a woman in all aspects, and while it's an evolving world and I still consider myself pan-sexual, I look at the world and say well the spirit I am going to fall in love with is a spirit that wants to take care of me and take on 'stereotypical' male roles, or a majority of them whether a woman or a man.

Either way, I hope you find yourself, and come out of your shell, you are not alone, we are here to help :: hugs ::

[Guest GinaInside]

Hi Jordan,

You are definately not alone in what you have experienced.

It is very difficult to say what triggers this phenomenon, I've been searching for the "why" for decades; science is starting to make a few breakthroughs, and there are some good thoeries, but it's still probably a long way from any definative answers.

I've been dealing with this since I was a child, and understand what you are going through. I can totally understand wanting to be a woman for a man, and not a gay male. I thought maybe if I tried being gay, my TS would stop, but that did'nt work, and neither did hyper-masculinity. It may well be, that acceptance is the only way forward in dealing with this.

I wish you all the best.

Hugz,

Gina