Not who I thought I was?

[Guest Janice24]

Hello everyone. As recent posts of mine indicate I'm very confused. This post is to explain why.

Ever since I first discovered the term "crossdresser" and that it relates to the transgender umbrella I've identified as such. It made sense because I didn't grow up identifying as a girl yet loved to dressing as one. I've known for a long time that I'm more "feminine" than most men, and felt the crossdressing was an extension of that.

I'm not so sure anymore. Recent events have forced me to evaluate myself more deeply, and what I've found surprised me.

Ever since I discovered crossdressing I've had an undeniable need to "pass" both in private and in public. It wasn't enough to dress as a woman or "act" like one; I wanted to be seen as one (at least while dressed). I figured that this was simply typical, but now I'm not so sure. The more I think about it, the more I want to buy and do "girly" things. I also wish I looked more feminine than I do, and now I even sometimes find myself envying the women I see rather than feel attraction to them.

The obvious question that comes up is do I want to be a woman? Am I "transgender"? A typical crossdresser? Am I only thinking this way in a subconscious attempt to conform what society expects of a transgendered person? What are the correct questions to ask myself and others to come to the truth?

I know that most of my questions cannot be answered by anyone but myself; I'd still like to hear opinions though if that's ok.

Thank you all.

*hugs*

[VickySGV]

You are quite typical for someone that has some degree of Gender Dysphoria!! That does put you someplace in a multi dimensional matrix of being Trans*. Cross Dressing was where I was at "once upon a time" and it was fun for a while, but it was not me, and I had to become me. This post that Cindy made is a great one as far as GD itself goeshttp://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=58690 and may give you some help.

I admit that even now I am a bit confused about exactly what has gone on with me, even though you would think its a little late if you look at my signature line. GD is NOT about sex or sexual preference, and almost all of us on my side of the line have defintely gone through our days of envy of women. Hell, I still envy other women, and get some of my best shopping leads from them to boot. I have had to go from a place where I was NEVER happy, and was getting even unhappier with time, to a place where happiness with myself and the world around me happens as it will and even at all! The purpose of Gender Therapy is to find your place where the non happiness of GD becomes capable of giving you moments of contentment if not actual happiness, and then one step further.

[Guest Janice24]

Rereading my post, I realize I made a huge mistake.

The big misunderstanding that likely popped up was when I discovered crossdressing. I forget that it was months ago that I re-joined LP and mentioned that I discovered it as an adult, not a kid. I was a feminine kid, true, but I rarely dressed as a girl. I can remember a handful of times clearly in my teenage years where I wanted to dress as a girl, and it wasn't until years later was when I finally starting to act on that desire (aside from one skirt when I was still young). In other words, the line should really read:

"I didn't grow up identifying as a girl yet I now love dressing as one."

I apologize if that caused any misunderstanding.

=======

In response to your post Vicky, I found the article very interesting. It's hard, though, to tell what I indeed relate to. I've been diagnosed since I was little with severe depression so it's hard for me to turn around and say "oh it was dysphoria all along!" Some things rang true though, like being disconnected to emotions and having no meaning to my life. Also I admit that I was always hypersensitive to how others saw me and always wanted to be "normal" and "accepted" like my older siblings. As I previously stated here http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=53087&p=544534 I''m starting to work with a therapist (and maybe a counselor) about my possible gender dysphoria, so I'll try to see if I've been wrong all along.

The envy also comes and goes, so it's hard for me to get a true understanding of it.

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Janice,

My best advice is to discuss your feeling with a Gender Therapist.

You can find some here:

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

They are listed by State, or you can choose one who uses Skype which is listed under Web Access.

You can also find some additional Gender Therapists here:

http://drbecky.com/therapists02.html

There is no timeline when or if you transition.

The important thing is that you are Happy.

Do not be concerned about Labels.

Woman, Transgender, Cross Dresser

Do not be concerned about what Society expects about being a transgender person.

Be concerned about what Janice wants and needs to be Happy in life.

I do not fit the typical Transgender Profile, yet I could not be Happier and the public accepts and respects me as a female even though I am "obviously" a Trans-Woman.

I wish you Success and Happiness on your Journey.

Hugs,

Carla

[Guest LizMarie]

Janice, when you discover this about yourself isn't really an issue. Many people repressed it for years and years. As Vicky notes, it sounds as though you have some degree of gender identity dysphoria (GID).

But having gender dysphoria doesn't automatically mean you need to transition, so shove that thought aside right off the bat. If you need to transition, you'll figure that out.

The goal of treating gender dysphoria is to remove it as a source of pressure, tension, and unhappiness in our lives. That doesn't mean we won't have pressure, tension, or unhappiness, just that we won't have it from our GID and that we can focus on what does make us happy, what we do find rewarding, etc. How you treat your GID is entirely up to you. Many cross dressers are perfectly happy to cross dress occasionally. for example, and that's the extent of their treatment for their GID. Others have GID that they treat in various ways. I've met one person who deals with their GID mainly by writing female centric fiction and occasionally cross dressing, for example. Others have sufficiently deep and persistent GID that they can only find relief by transitioning.

So the range of responses is wide. The first thing to do is figure yourself out and a gender therapist can be of great assistance in doing that. Once you've figured yourself out, you can move forward.