Got a lose diagnosis

[Guest ChefErik93]

I've been seeing my gender therapist for a few months now and we have worked through a lot of stuff about my gender. Working through the DSM (some medical book), yesterday she told me that, based on the info she has about me, that she could definitely put me in the bracket of having gender dysphoria.

She also thinks I am going at a good pace and that I have some healthy fears. She would be more worries if I was more comfortable or wanting to move quicker.

So I think this is a good thing deep down I know I am not comfortable as a female. I just wish so badly that I could test drive a male body for a day to truly know. I am still scared as confused and I don't really know what to do with this diagnosis. She hasn't submitted it to insurance yet but I don't think that matters.

I know, as of now, I want to start hormones but I am so damn scared! And I don't even know what of! That's what irritates me. I simply can't accept this yet. At least not fully. It's like I know but I can't say it.

I want to be a man. Wow...saying it is strange to me. But imagining myself as one is so comforting.

One question that caught my GT off guard was...I asked her if I would make a good man. Maybe that is one of biggest fears?

I don't know what the point of this post was...I just needed to get that off my chest.

Also, my girlfriend of 3 years and I are not looking so hot. I see an end in sight. I have a lot going in right now. She is still very supportive which is good!

Thanks for listening,

Erik

[Guest LizMarie]

Don't rush!

There is no timetable for this. If you are not yet sure, then don't!

One thing that I would note is that my endo and I had a long chat before I began HRT. He's been doing this since 1975 and something he saw much of in earlier years and still occasionally sees are gay folks who sometimes believe things would be better if they are the opposite gender so he wanted me to be sure that was not my situation. And it was not. Now, I'm not suggesting this is the case for you, but that's a very valid question to ask yourself.

I've met an FTM nurse here in Houston who is very happy with his choices. He's had top surgery but not bottom surgery. He's been on T for many years. His voice is thus masculine, he has a goatee and the beginnings of a widows peak in his hair. You wouldn't mistake him for anything other than a somewhat smaller guy. He's not "stealth" but he's not out at his latest job. It's just not their business, as he sees it. He's "one of the guys" and happy with that. I wish he posted here on Laura's but he avoids internet TG forums. It would be nice to let you two talk.

But regardless, Erik, do not rush this! Go as slow (or fast) as you wish. Don't make a decision until you are comfortable with it. Be advised that once you begin T, certain effects are difficult to reverse should you change your mind so be sure you want this.

[Charlize]

Erik,

I'm both sorry and glad you are struggling at this point. As your therapist pointed out if you run ahead with your eyes closed you can end up hitting a wall. Take your time dear and it will be easier on you. I felt pressure to change but circumstances made me move so slowly. It taught me a bit of acceptance and how to enjoy the day regardless of gender issues. If we can't love life before transition our post transition chance of finding peace is less.

Was I a good man and am i a good woman. I hope so. The change of gender presentation hasn't changed what is inside of me. E does allow me a peace that i've never known but i think it is because a weight has been lifted and i've dropped the rock of feeling things aren't right and i can't be myself.

I have several FTM friends who enjoy their lives as men and when i came out to one of them he didn't believe i would give up "male privilege". He was in the end very supportive.

It sounds like you have good advice from your GT. Saying "i want to be a man" could someday be replaced by saying "i am a man." Take your time and try to enjoy the journey. We've got your back.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Madrone26]

One thing about taking testosterone that I have discovered that is both good and bad is that the changes take a long time. When I started I could feel a difference inside me almost immediately, but it took several months before anyone around me could see any changes. The process is slow, and it gives you time to grow into being a man, if that's what you decide you want.

[Carolyn Marie]

Erik, your therapist seems very wise. My G.T. told me almost the same thing yours told you; she would be worried if I didn't have the fears and doubts I had, and they are a healthy sign.

The advice already given is excellent; go slow, and do nothing to your body until you are sure it is the right thing for you. I know the idea of a "test drive" is enticing, but IMHO, hormones are not something to mess with, and even a short test drive could be a mistake.

Whatever you ultimately decide, I wish you well.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest ChefErik93]

if you run ahead with your eyes closed you can end up hitting a wall.

charlie, i love this! you are totally right about this and i will have to take that into consideration.

also, everyone else...thank you for your words of wisdom. i intend to take this very slow. I have days when i am very impatient and other days when i am indifferent. My GT has not submitted the diagnosis to my insurance yet but it is nice to know that these feelings aren't for nothing. I would love to talk to an endo sometime soon. even without starting hormones it would be interesting to get their take on where i am and compare it to other trans patients. like LizMarie said, these feeling can be mistaken for something else. i this point i don't think they are but there is always the chance.

Carolyn Marie, the test drive would be the best thing in the world for me right now but i know that it is not realistic. I also know that many effects of HRT aren't reversible. these facts along with other factors are keeping me at a good pace at the moment. I am a thinker...or should i say an overthinker. I don't think i could rush this process if i wanted to. I analyze everything to the finest points.

I just don't know when, why, or how the next step will take place. i don't even know what the next step is for that matter. i guess it doesn't matter really. as long as i am happy and comfortable with the decisions and so is my therapist. thanks again everyone

[JJ]

For me this is something that is a little more challenging for FTMs in some aways. We have less fear of physical violence and social disapproval but greater fear of measuring up to our target gender. We have been socialized to believe that men are more responsible in some ways-they do all the physical stuff and take charge etc. As well as socialized that they automatically measure each other and you have to measure up. That whole "be a man my son" thing. So much emphasis put on it in our culture.

O expected to move into a harder and more isolated world in a way. Somehow living as a female I never caught the non-verbal by plays between men that are not confrontational but friendly. The fact that though I joked that men actually like to gossip more than women there is a grain of truth in it. You have to send a different set of signals in different ways but I have found-probably because I fit at last and feel right-that those signals came easily as learning all the woman stuff never did. Found I did have an instruction book after all and one that actually applies to me. Had said all my life it felt like everyone else got an instruction book and I didn't. Now I find I did -it was just for a different model. That is another aspect for me too. As hard as it was to act right and fit in as a woman relearning a new role was daunting -seemed perhaps impossible.

Sometimes I still find myself asking how men judge because it is so different from women and I tend to analyze everything to the nth degree. The truth is that there are as many ways to be judged as there are for women but they are on the surface different. And those differences come naturally to me. Where a woman sends a set of signals with clothing and makeup and accessories etc-men fit into broader and les judgmental categories that way. No one cares if I'm wearing last year's shirt. They do see how I am groomed but not as specifically -just what group I fit in because that is a clue about how I may interact. But body language is everything. And it comes naturally. So far I've found I am much better liked as a man and that the world is a far nicer and friendlier place than I ever knew. I am also admittedly driven to take charge and no longer have to be tough and seen as a female dog because of that. It just happens ad I'm still able to be seen as a nice guy.

I wish I had an answer for how to test drive male for awhile but unless you have been very blessed it often is just impossible. Women act masculine and wear men's clothes all the time. They get treated as masculine lesbians and I know from going through looking that way as I transitioned that people treat them altogether differently than men. It has to really be a leap of faith after running through the scenarios in your head and asking ourselves what we really feel despite the fear. The fear is natural but also irrelevant to the decision that is best for you. Whatever it is. Do you want to live as a man? Bottom line. You can-as hard as it is for us to get there-with T we can and do. People never think of FTMS so see as male. And we look and sound male. I have seen a couple of men I suspected might be trans IRL but in both cases did not know. Even interacting could not tell.

Finally it has been shown in the latest studies that all but 4 days a month women really prefer less macho type men and are more attracted to them than the jocks. If you look at the rock stars and movie stars the big stars dress macho sometimes on stage but overall in appearance they are most often not. They tend to be smaller men in fact with boyish faces. Like most FTMs.

Your decision needs to come from who you are because what kind of man you are will be up to you and unless you want to be an Arnold Schwarzenegger you CAN do it. (FYI While I'd like to be taller and all, like natal male bodied I didn't get to chose but would rather look more andro than Arnold any day. I hate uber macho ). Until I did it I didn't really think I could and I say to myself now and then-"Wow. It really worked. I did it" And while I regret some of the awkwardness being trans can create and all the fear I felt in the beginning I have not regretted transitioning for a single minute.

Johnny

[Guest ChefErik93]

Thank you Johnny. once again, your response is very wise and helpful. the difference in signals between men and women is very interesting. and you're right...men communicate a lot of things to each other and women differently than women do. i guess this goes along with your instruction book. unfortunately i am not blessed enough to pass all that well. as soon as i open my mouth i don't pass. If my voice were lower it would be a LOT easier! and luckily i do not want to be macho man. just a man.

thanks johnny,

Erik

[Guest Jaques]

Erik, Im not a macho man either, I also took my time, not because I wasn't sure but because I had grown children who see me still as their mother, which of course I am, and also as an older person needed to know I could cope with such a huge change, its so much easier to adapt to life changes when we are young - so I lived, as much as I could, as a guy for 10 yrs before transitioning. Im not suggesting you take this long - we all need to go at our own pace and go with how we feel, so if it takes 10 weeks/months/years, it doesn't matter so long as we reach our decision feelling at peace with it.

[Guest ChefErik93]

Very good point Jaques. I am taking this one step/day at a time. I am impatient at times but in the long run I am in no rush. Every day is different. My gender therapist is happy with my pace, as am I. For the moment all I can do is think about everything and move slowly.

Thank you,

Erik