Working on the 4th step in AA

[Guest erinanita]

I recently started back to AA after an absence of about 6 years, due to the fact that I was transitioning and didn't feel welcomed by AA members that I had discussed my situation with. So since I've come back I've been making a really big attempt to work the steps to get back on track with my sobriety. I have arrived at step three and am listening very intently to the god of my understanding to learn about the resentments that I may be harbouring.

It came to me this evening on the drive back from a meeting that I really resent the fact that I have an intersex condition. Because of this condition I still suffer from a learning difficulty and an inability to communicate with others without causing serious disharmony. More and more as I age I am becoming more sensitive to the fact that this condition rendered me sterile and that I was never able to have children - a family.

I am learning that I have many other issues that are causing resentments, more than I ever believed before but this intersex thing is really starting to get on my mind. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy - the stuff that I've suffered with throughout my life. This sounds totally ridiculous to me but it just won't go away. Can anyone offer me some helpful comments? Thank you for your thoughts.

Erin

[VickySGV]

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the power to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!!"

My body has betrayed me all of my life too, but with other issues, although being DES son may be closer to IS than some other issues. I have a chromasomal varience that affects my blood supply, and two of my children have it as well, not what I wanted to leave them as a heritage either. I can understand where your resentment over your body is pretty huge. As to what to do about it, I faced the resentments (and they do boomerang on you a bit) and told both a friend and my HP about them in detail, and then just shut up for a short while and listened both places. What I heard was, that yes the resentments were warranted in many ways, but that I had other gifts I was ignoring by making them the center of my life. The goal from both a sponsor and HP, find the gifts I was given. As I began to find them however, I developed some resentment of my self for not having seen them before. Recovery can get to be circular at times. With sobriety there will be more chances that you can find ways to fill the void that not being able to have your own children has created. There are places and ways even we Trans* and IS can parent children and maybe even certain not so children who still can use our help.

You are different, but not alone. Look for your GIFTS, you do have them, they cannot undo the resentment, but they can make it seem its proper size.

[Charlize]

I find different resentments coming to the surface as time and sobriety allow me to see them. The 4th step was important and helped but a daily inventory helps me to find the new things i discover. Sometimes i think i should be able to simply remove those resentments with a magic wand (maybe my witch costume will help). Instead i've seen some simply become less demanding as i ask my higher power for help. The pressure to "solve " these defects of character has faded as i try to give my will over to the will of a higher power. At the end of the serenity prayer in the "12 and 12" it says 'Thy will not mine be done". We don't necessarily say that in most meetings i attend but i have learned to say it due to my first sponsor. If i can give the resentments to my HP and realize i'm not running the show like i felt i was, i can get some relief from those defects of character. I can recognize and accept them as being a gift instead of a curse. We all have a role to play in this world.

Hugs,

hugs,

Charlie

[Michelle 2010]

I was recently listening to a speaker discuss Forgiveness, which, of course is the flip side of resentments. A woman at a womens meeting... discussing philandering husbands and such....

The discussion included the fact that, #1, forgiveness is for us, not the one being forgiven. Whether cursing god, or fate, for the events leading to resentment, and feeling of being wronged or violated, forgiveness and acceptance is needed to lead a quality life filled with love rather than desolation or pain.

The path followed for achieving that forgiveness included looking at our own step work, the classic "whats our part or role in the situation." Once we recognize our own character defects, the goal is to turn them over to god, right? It isn't hungry hungry hippo where we try to hammer them out of our selves. We have proven as alcoholics that we lack power in many areas of our lives. Self will to reduce character defects or resentments is often like self will solving the alcohol problem... ineffective.

So what to do.... Take my divorce for instance. While "wronged", I could see, with the aid of an alanon and aa sponsor, what my part was.... With the IS condition, it may be that actions taken(or not taken) during or after active addiction contributed to the fact that you are still grappling with it at this point in your life. Was there Sloth, Fear, Pride, Envy and such that kept you from dealing with it years or decades ago? If so, (and I have no idea if those defects played a part btw) then, it isn't just Fate or God that played a part.... The good news is....

We learn in AA, by doing the steps with a sponsor, that we are worthy of Redemption as we are reborn... That we were sick rather than bad... And if we play a part in our own misery, then not only are We worthy of forgiveness, but so are Those that wronged us. Accepting ourselves as we are in terms of not being perfect, allows us to see that others, or lifes circumstance, can also be accepted as less than perfect.

The Solution comes, the feelings of well being, as, after accepting things as they are, we start to ask god what his will is for us. By asking on a daily basis (STep 11) and honestly putting god first, we are getting out of our Self and self centeredness. This is an action step, not a thinking step. Doing works for a loving god puts us into action doing loving things. Who we are has changed from who we were. So....

God is the solution, but not by begging to be relieved of the Bondage of Self. As long as I am begging for relief from self i am in self, right? I must ask what gods will is for me and take action, thus getting out of self (and resentment), and into Love and Action.

As the woman speaker said, "The goal isn't to become someone who used to steal from her baby's piggy bank alot and now only steals occasionally; rather the goal is to become someone who doesnt want to steal from her baby..." So, for us that means we change into someone who doesn't resent the hand dealt us less than we did before, it means through having god be our guiding light, we become folks who don't live in the past... We embrace doing gods will and doing deeds that will please him/her. Our focus shifts to embracing what time we have on earth rather than picking our scabs and making them bleed.

I had no god when I arrived at AA. I learned to embrace a loving god from people who overcame their difficulties, have a sparkle in their eyes, and carry that message to other alcoholics.

If I were sponsor shopping I would ask what their higher power does in their life.

I posted what works for me, tho at times the healing has taken time, but it works for me

Michelle