Who Saw This Coming?

[Guest TBForLife]

Here it is, quite expected I bet.

I'm at the point where I'm satisfied with who I am. I'm no longer pushing a male binary. It no longer matters to me.

I really don't want to be male haha.

I certainly don't want to be a female. I love testosterone, I love my enlarged clitoris, I love the idea of getting testicle implants. I do not want a vaginectomy but I do want a hysterectomy.

I do love my body, I don't really look either male or female now and I'm finally happy.

I feel this body all around me... its neither male nor female, its...perfect.

Giving male hormones to this female body has brought it to a perfect middle ground, it feels like peace.

I always thought I had to choose, I am no longer as of this point acknowledging any formal gender.

Nor am I accepting any rules that society has put upon me.

Through my path as a female it was painful, unacceptable to exist as a woman.

It felt wrong, disgusting, unfamiliar and dirty in ways I can not begin to relate.

I'd rather swallow burning coals and glass then to live as a female.

But at this point, I'd chase it with acid before living like a bio male.

My hatred of my existence as a female has driven me to transition feeling it was the only escape from what I felt was my own personal hell.

However short hair, bulky clothes, arrogant stereotypes and macho bull have made me sick and I'm sick of it, totally f ing sick of trying to be a guy.

I want my long hair and my makeup, my heels my tight clothes and my deep voice, my flat chest, my hard muscles and my altered genitalia.

I just want to be myself. That self is sexy like a woman full of poise and grace, artistic and brilliant but in respect strong and deep, emotionally balanced and full of controlled aggression that makes me firm and assertive, logical and calculated. As creative with my accomplishments as I am technical.

I'm amazing.

All I had to really do, is stop trying to be, and just be.

Still going to be "ftm" to my medical providers, they'd have a fit if they saw what I really am, although for once in my life, healthy and stable!

I still need my T and always will. I love male hormones, they compliment my female body, call me a monster of modern science and hate me for taking advantage of what I have been given but I'm still going to get my meta and my scrotal implants done and I'm keeping my vagina, I could never live without it!

So this is where I'm going to be, myself, forever embracing just who I am.

I know a lot of ftms and mtfs are fighting for the right to be in a gender binary and i respect that right totally and completely. I feel everyone has the right to be in a body that feels like mine does to me, just perfect, or at least really getting there.

For me I have realized that finding this feeling does not mean becoming what society deems as acceptable gender expression and forgive me if I'm closed minded creating an excuse to be the way I am but what gender we fit into in their eyes has nothing to do with feeling a sense of peace and knowing in our own beings who we are.

I often find the world to be just the opposite. Most females I find have more socially male traits and vise versa no wonder we're all so messed up trying to fit into shapes drawn out and dictated to us as healthy and normal. No healthy and normal aren't fitting into them. It's being you and fitting into your own self regardless of where you sit on any spectrum, living your life and refusing to be deemed unacceptable by ANY standards because THIS is the ONLY way I can BE. Take it or leave it.

This isn't to change anything today, but a change that has been evolving internally for some time.

This is me coming out in the middle, where I belong.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

It's kind of sad that you can never be real with medical providers or psychologists, isn't it? I feel the same way. I present a strong male binary persona, just so I don't get screwed out of my T. Now, I am one of those male binary types anyway, but I hide any femme traits because I want to be absolutely sure.

I'm glad you have found an identity you feel comfortable with and are going with it. Good stuff.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Androgyne? Park it sweetheart - put yourself whereever you feel comfortable. Be what you are - ENVY ENVY ENVY - God I wish I could be there.. I have very little female body characteristics but too much male... I want it all - I know the male side - been there done that - but the female? When is it MY TURN???

Go GO GO - live the life you love!

Lizzy

[Guest TBForLife]

It IS scary.

I want more T, not to get cut off my T totally. I need that hysto now now now!

When I first got denied T it was because I did not present someone who GENUINELY behaved Male.

I faked it hardcore being tuff and grungy. Forgot how to dress myself and stuck my hand down my pants every chance I got.

I think at that point in my life more people saw my mango then had seen my actual genitals up to that time.

I just whipped it out and peed like everywhere to prove that I had a penis.

Wore glasses, never took off my hat and had a buzz cut under it!

This is ME back THEN

Right BEFORE that stage I was great.

Before I had to be someone else to get what I wanted

And AMAZINGLY this still exists. I dressed up as a girl to meet someone maybe it was like my grandma LOL

Oh SIGH. Yea I'm looking pretty Androgyne right now eh?

Dont know how to change my lil thing on the side here but it fits me pretty well. I'm still pretty ftmish but the goal is not to become like a bio guy at this point!

[Guest TBForLife]

This is also tonight. I love being an artist

[Sally]

Peace comes not from getting everything that you want but from wanting everything that you get.

At first you wanted to go all the way, be a guy until you realized that you didn't want to give up being female.

Most people are too much into beiing accepted to take the bold step of lingering in between long enough to realize that this is what they wanted all along.

I am so happy for you that you have found your place along the path, for you you have made the transition from where you were to where you really want to be, cngratulations!

Be happy, that is the goal of everyone here.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest TBForLife]

Not that I didn't want to give up being female. I didn't want to give up a few things associated with being female. I totally gave up "Being" female. I'm still a little bit more male in any case

Thanks so much

Peace comes not from getting everything that you want but from wanting everything that you get.

At first you wanted to go all the way, be a guy until you realized that you didn't want to give up being female.

Most people are too much into beiing accepted to take the bold step of lingering in between long enough to realize that this is what they wanted all along.

I am so happy for you that you have found your place along the path, for you you have made the transition from where you were to where you really want to be, cngratulations!

Be happy, that is the goal of everyone here.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest androgynous]

Most people are too much into beiing accepted to take the bold step of lingering in between long enough to realize that this is what they wanted all along.

I think that is certainly part of it. Somehow we all sought (or still seeking) for some acceptance by others, one way in convincing them is to change the appearance. But I think that the toughest part in all of it, is that one must accept yourself and care less what others think about you. Oh yeah, that's a mindjob and hard to do. But when it boils down to be happy, I think it certainly comes down to you, and how you feel, no matter in which box you are being put. Because on the end of the day they will always box you up, no matter what you change on the appearance or in what ever direction you go. It's cliche, but it's reality: You are how you feel, and usually people will notice that. I am biologically male, but before I even knew about androgyny, It was dropped on me by some people close to me. Same as beauty (my opinion eh?) If you are beautiful, people will notice. Not through soft skin or something, but your real beauty: YOU. What you radiate from inside. Like, often I see people smile with their face instead of their eyes. Smiling with your eyes displays true beauty, and people pick it up.