I don't know what I am...

[Guest b-rad20]

I don't know whether or not I am transgendered. I have a strong desire to know what it would be like to be a man in every sense, but for starters I'm married to a wonderful woman that hates men, so I feel sort of trapped. I want to be able to explore what it would be like to appear as a man at least to strangers, but I doubt that she would allow that. We have talked about this over the past few months, but I have had the feelings/desires since I was a young teenager if not earlier. I go to a therapist and she is wonderful and all, but I still feel trapped with no options because of how my wife feels about the subject. Is this normal? Am I normal? Relative questions I know, but I feel they are valid all the same. How do I go about exploring what I feel I want to be when the woman I love is seemingly against it?

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Welcome to Laura's playground b-rad,

Is that normal? Well really everyone is different has and has different experiences but yes I would say it is a fairly normal experience. I know many feel confusion from childhood to present but never really are able to explore it so the unsureness remains. Many people also struggle with dealing with their gender while dealing with a relationship with a spouse and the fear of damaging that relationship or even hurting that person..

I can't really give you too much advice since I didn't have to transition while in a relationship, but there are many others who have and others who likely share similar experiences with you here. So you have come to a good place to ask questions and get ideas.

We do ask that all new members check out the terms and conditions at least once which you can find here, or by clicking on the link at the lower right hand corner of this page.

Looking forward to seeing more from you.

Sarah

[Guest ChefErik93]

b-rad, your feelings of fear and not knowing are normal. I too identify as lesbian at the moment to people who know me, although i have been coming out as "gender neutral" more and more. in an attempt to ease people into understanding me as TG. I have been dealing with these feelings of wanting to be a man for several months now but apparently i expressed these concerns to mother going as far back as 5 years ago. I am in a very committed relationship with the woman of my dreams. We are not married but we have been together for 3 years. It seems as though your wife is strictly lesbian, but i have heard stories of the wife transitioning sexuality as the partner transitions gender. That is all on an individual basis though.

One night as I was expressing my fears and concerns about my possible transition to my girlfriend, she stopped me...grabbed my arms and looked me in the eyes. she said "honey, you are trans...and that is ok". She told me that she couldn't promise me she would still be there after the fact but that i need to make these decisions for me and no one else. She told me that she would love me no matter what, and that we may part ways but that all she wants is for me to be happy. If that is not the definition of bittersweet i don't know what is. It was wonderful to know I had her support, but scary to know that what she was supporting might tear us apart.

let me back up some more. I am 20 years old and pre everything. I have been dressing masculine for years but have just now ( over the past few months) starting binding, packing, and presenting myself in a solely masculine fashion. I've always been the butch lesbian but I have now taken that a step farther. I see a therapist and this helps a lot. You say you have a strong desire to know what it would be like to be a man in every sense. I had and still have these desires. I often say I would love to "test drive" a male body for a day.just to see what it would be like. just to see if i would like it. about a week ago my therapist diagnosed me with gender dysphoria and I have been trying to wrap my head around it. Just because you have GD does not mean you have to transition. The TG spectrum is huge! who knows where we lie after first being diagnosed? I cannot accept that i am fully transgender at this point even though deep down i know i am.

over the last few months I have been doing nothing but researching the TG culture on my free time. Watching transition videos, being on here, researching binding/packing/passing tips, experimenting with more masculine body language, any and everything having to do with being a man (FTM). It has been eating me alive recently.

being in a relationship while transitioning, or even thinking about transitioning is hard. I would continue to look into yourself to figure out where you are. Continue talking to your therapist. ultimately this transition is about you. That is not to say you shouldn't take your wife's feelings into account, but you do need to make yourself happy. Go slow, there is no rush. keep her involved in your thoughts and decisions. also, you have to try to understand where she is coming from in her own thoughts. Just because transitioning is about you doesn't mean that it doesn't affect everyone around you.

I am still sorting through a lot of my feelings, but your story stuck out to me. I really hope that this made sense...but my thoughts are still pretty jumbled. I hope that this didn't just confuse you more ha. if it did...just take this bit of info. post as much as you can on here. ask questions via comments or starting your own threads. there are so many helpful people on this site. they have helped me figure out a lot. even when you KNOW you are, you are not alone. there is someone else who has gone through a similar situation. We are all here to help each other. Once again, I hope this helped more than hurt. I hope to see more of you around here!

Erik

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, B-Rad. I'm sorry that you're feeling trapped and conflicted right now. Hopefully that won't always be the case. Being in therapy is a good idea. Is your therapist trained or experienced in gender issues? If not, it might be good to explore that option, as there are many issues that TS folks face that a general therapist is not familiar with.

No one can know if you are transsexual or not except you. Even a gender therapist won't (usually) come right out and say that. It's something you have to figure out for yourself, with a therapist's help. If you decide that is who you are, then the decision about what to do about it comes next. Those are not easy decisions to make. We can give you some advice based on our own experiences, but again, it comes down to you.

I encourage you to read through a lot of the forum threads in the FtM Forum and elsewhere, and learn all you can. Ask as many questions as you need to. We'll be here for you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

I came to to my wife and finally told her i had to live as myself over a year ago. We have been married for 42 years now and after a year life is better than it has ever been. Please don't feel trapped. I did for so many years but finally was honest. Erik is right ….there is no rush, take your time to find yourself but once you di if you feel you must be a man then don't hide it. Hiding who you are only causes pain. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. Mine helped me to keep my marriage.

Oh yes i forgot…Welcome to Laura's. New kids have to make cookies.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Brad,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. I cannot speak to your relationship with you wife, but I can tell you this.... who you really are will eventually come out. There is no escaping it. Believe me, I tried for decades, but she found her way out and there I am

In the context of being transgendered, yes this is very normal.

Love and Welcome.

Brenda

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Brad,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.
We all look forward to seeing you.
vanna

PS Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You ~Dr. Seuss