Member of an All Women's Group

[Guest ~Emmie~]

I always believed the "classic" trans model was "I hate my genitals, and just want to get the right ones", but that was when I first started to figure this stuff out. There's increasing numbers of transgendered people who either don't mind their birth sex organs, or can deal until they save for SRS.

Personally, I am both ambivilant about 'em, and really want my girl parts already. But it means a lot that my gf likes them. As a guy, I was fearful of stuff going into my body- but now thinking

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Dupe and uncompleted post from http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=56782

[Guest Jamie_cd]

Wow, it's believable that some people (and apparently countries) are so in accepting of who we are. I hope her killer(s) are brought to justice but again it doesn't seem likely.

[Cyndee]

Dupe from Events @ http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=57117&page=0

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[Guest Delphinus]

Out of curiosity, has anyone considered the possibility of doing an androgyne/ genderqueer/ agender calendar with proceeds going to a charity? I know there are FtM and MtF ones out there...

[JenniferB]

Reminds me of an analogy a MtF girl gave me about transitioning. She said it was like taking a long road trip by car, the scenery changed but since it was so gradual, you hardly noticed it in a car. People around you every day may have a harder time picking it up but someone who rarely sees you is more like a trip by plane. You arrive and wow everything looks different all of a sudden.

There are so many subtle changes that occur every day as you become more at home with yourself. Thanks for sharing, it is encouraging to those of us who see a mountain of changes ahead to have patience and know we will get there.

Diane

Thanks Diane. This is exactly the case. I was thinking about this more when I realized my brain had rewired, and I wasn't even conscious of it until recently. I became aware I thought like a woman. The way I move now is subtly trying to draw attention. You notice others out of the corner of your eye, while doing what your doing. I'm definitely more aware.

I read so much here about the brain being rewired. I thought the brain was hardwired at birth. Even though it took me over 2 1\2 years to notice it, I can definitely say this is the truth, at least to some degree. I think, and act more like a woman now. I'm doing it naturally, and that is what caught my coworkers eye. She told me I acted completely different than I used to act. I've mostly forgotten the way I acted when I presented as a man.

If I ever have to stop HRT, I don't know if my brain will revert back to thinking like a male or not, or whether the change is permanent. I just know, more than ever, detransitioning would be a disaster.

{{{Hugs}}}

Jenny

[Guest Astrosmurf]

Wrote this to my mother after years of denial and trouble. I'm in a better place now. The truth will set us free. Peace all

"Dear mum,

this isn't an attack or a rant and I'm not bitter about the past, so please hear me out. I’m very stable at the moment and not about to rush into anything drastic, but I’m going to have to make some changes and it’s up to you if you want to try and understand, support and help me or not. I really hope you will, but I’m prepared for the worst outcomes all round. Saying that, I won’t hold it against you if you have trouble coming to terms with something that’s taken me half a lifetime to understand and fully admit to myself.

"Bad, weak, thoughtless, fool," - you yourself have called me all these things. I agree that sensitivity and empathy are good qualities but I don't think you really wanted me to be that way for whatever reason. You were too worried I was turning out a sissy and what other people would think about it and how it reflected on you, but the problem is that deep down I am and always have been what people call a ‘sissy’. I'm not a gay man, I'm transgendered. I'm talking about gender identity, not biological sex or sexuality. My gender doesn’t fit the body I’m in. This might make sense to you or it might be a total shock; either way I expect you won’t like hearing it but it’s the truth and I’m tired of trying to pretend otherwise.

I always knew I was transgendered even before I knew the term for it and even if I've tried to deny it and be anything but. The causes of it still aren’t fully known but it is a medical condition and there are prenatal reasons to do with hormones, brain differences, and genetic indications, so I know it's not my fault and I can’t change it no matter how much I desperately wanted to, just so I could fit in more with society and not be rejected or abandoned.

A few years ago I tried the opposite approach to the standard treatment of this condition, asking my psychiatrist if he would prescribe me testosterone. He told me that wasn’t possible for health reasons but sent me to an endocrinologist for tests. My testosterone levels were average but my estrogen count was unusually high for a male. I think that is why my hips are wider, lips fuller, lashes longer, why I began to grow breasts whilst on Rispiridone, why I have no chest hair over the breast tissue, why I can’t grow a full beard, why my skin has always been softer, why I don’t smell like other men or have the same interests, and why I cry so much more easily.

I’ve reached a point where I just can’t go any further suppressing myself in order to keep everyone else from feeling awkward. My attempts to be other things have all failed and this is my life – I would like to actually experience some of the basic freedoms of personhood that almost everyone else takes for granted before I die. If I don’t take some action to live as I am then I will die in some inner way anyway and my opportunities for fulfillment will only diminish rapidly as I age.

I remember feeling fine with it and expressing it in various ways as a small child but then it dawned on me it was very wrong for me to be that way (in the eyes of others) in a male body. You say you're proud of me and who I am but I understand the reality that you might not be or might not want this to be true (I certainly didn't). You did shame me heavily as a child for whatever reason and I felt unable to expose who I was or even walk comfortably because of things you said to me. I was preoccupied with that tension I felt from being inherently ‘wrong’ in who I was, or else trying to escape it in daydream and fantasy.

I expect I have that to thank for my creativity, so it's not all terrible. I've discovered there are actually many good things in it too. But as a child I could only fully relax when I was alone for fear of being scrutinised, shamed or humiliated. Alcohol gave me some freedom in that way but it's no longer viable. I felt I was an embarrassment and let-down to you and the family and I've discovered the same thing writ large in society as a whole (but things are changing with increased awareness and understanding).

I've tried to be many other things in the hopes of gaining some acceptance, affection and approval. I've tried all these different relationships, places, groups, drugs etc. I've tried different images and characters. I'm nearly 40 and I feel I've come to terms with it in myself but that I'm unable to fully overcome my core feelings of embarrassment, shame and humiliation at present. It's apparent now that my social development has been somewhat stunted because of this and I can't go any further in life without facing this issue. I don't know what else to tell you. I know the truth of how people typically see the transgender issue and that discrimination is likely to come from anywhere including one's own family members (although I intend to keep this mostly to myself).

I’ve put this off so long because it seemed such a gigantic challenge that only amazingly brave and determined people could ever face. What I’ve learned is that the people who go through this are very ordinary just like me and the only reason they suffer through it is because they feel they have little or no choice. Psychologically speaking it is a matter of survival. The younger people are when they start to make changes, the better the outcomes. You may be surprised to learn that many transgendered people transition from one gender to another without anyone even suspecting anything, except of course those who knew them prior to their transition or those they work with. Years of preparation can result in the switch of roles being made without anyone on the street being any the wiser. Perhaps that’s optimistic but it’s true for many and there’s no real reason I can’t potentially do the same. Saying that I’m still very much in the first phases, so please don’t panic.

It’s not your fault either. The problem is the psychological damage that has come from the denial of who I am. Again you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself because we are all the product of our times to some extent and my story is typical for the vast majority of transgendered people from my generation. It was worse for older generations and it’s somewhat better for post-internet generations, but transgendered people statistically still face much worse discrimination and psychological stress than any other group in society. My stress in that way is diminishing since I’m coming to terms within myself, and the only other people who have to know are those I decide to tell. I feel like I need to tell you if our relationship is going to continue in a meaningful way. I want very much to know that you will love me in spite of this but again that’s up to you, I can’t make you accept me unconditionally and to be frank, as an adult your approval and acceptance are no longer essential to me.

I’m fully aware of the realities and drawbacks and that’s why I’m not rushing anything; however, as I’ve tried to explain, this isn’t a path or destiny someone chooses. Transitioning into the other gender to some extent or other is not a ‘lifestyle choice’ as people commonly tend to think. It is an attempt to relieve a crippling sort of discomfort and live a more integral life as one’s true self. Along with all the trials one gains the power and joy of authenticity, even if that has to be owned from a place of fear and vulnerability.

I expect you have all sorts of horrifying images of men in drag etc. but it’s really not like that either for most people who end up transitioning from male to female. I expect this is enough for you to digest for now and I’ll explain another time how xxxx relates to it if necessary. We can talk about this more but I’d like to continue via email for the time being.

Love . . ."

[Guest Jamie_cd]

Thanks for posting this Liz! I needed to read this after the week I've had. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

[Guest AlexR]

Lily,

My wife and I were also unable to have children, so we opted to adopt. She is, in every way, our child. She may not look a whole lot like us but she its 100 percent our daughter.

Born as the only son of an only son, I too understand the pressure of "carrying on the family name". I think my mother today would still like for me to try to have a son. But really that's a terrible reason have a child.

Unfortunately, there are many, many children of all ages throughout the world who are in need of a loving family. They may come with special challenges due to whatever left them without a family to care for them, but the rewards are endless.

[Cyndee]

Dupe from Poetry forum @ http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=58662&page=0

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[Guest chargrl1]

I don't know if anyone else has addressed this, if they have sorry for any redundancy of my post. Public mailing lists and all of the agents that sell them, they are so annoying to deal with! There are so many of them, and no matter if you have changed all of your public records including property ownership and national directories, there are still those out there who maintain outdated lists and sell them for commercial purposes and you will continue to get mail for that person that doesn't live here any more! An unwanted, annoying thing in your mail box to constantly remind you when you least expect it of that name that you want to put behind you and forget forever. It's like trying to get rid of ants, I swear! And places that pay no attention when you return their solicitation mailings with "addressee not at this address", like they are a bunch of automated robots that just send stuff out regardless. Is that green or sustainable? I don't think so, huge waste of money and paper! And just serves to throw an annoying speed bump into my day, it certainly won't get them the coveted customer that they are after. Some humorous irony to that, although I really don't find it amusing~

Good luck finding these agents yourself, unless you can find a cooperative business who sent you something (well, sent something to your address, it's really not to you at all) to contact the one they bought a name from and tell them they are a rip off and a nuisance!

I could go on and on and on with this, but I'll stop and let you ponder it and wonder what makes these people tick along with me.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Dupe from http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=58973

[Guest Natalie64567]

No thats ok I think I get the gest of what you were saying. I am happier now because I just found out that my Medicaid is helping to pay for what medicare lwft behind for seeing the endochrinologist so instead of having to pay $80 everytime I see him in reality its going to only be $3. For someone like me who's on a limited income havibg to pay $80 everytime to go to endo would be very expensive so I am feeling way better today. I don't get it when gender dysphoria kicks in I just lose all hope and am extremely depressed for the whole rest of the day. Thanks afain for being there to set my vision straight and letting me vent.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Dupe from http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=59011&hl=

[Guest April Kristie]

Let's try that again and if it doesn't work, take it down please;

[Guest Jamie_cd]

Hey Janice, you look wonderful! I'm happy life is going well for you and hope that it continues to.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Dupe from http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=59072&page=0